Undone

Life keeps passing me by

Seriously. I had a good friend, she and I didn’t agree on much, she is a Buddist, I’m a member of the LDS church.

I make a lot of mistakes, and she’s a staunch Perfectionist. That doesn’t mean I don’t like her, in fact, right now, she’s the best friend I have (that isn’t directly blood related.) I’ve come to the conclusion however that I just suck at being a friend. I’m serious. I can’t express a lot of emotion– and well. I’m not really social– Social things usually end up really sucking for me. A lot, So I tend to shy away. Not to mention that friendship is usually based on proximity (that is how close they are physically) so if you have more classes with someone– then you lean towards being their friend.

It’s hard. Being a senior in high school and being a social failure at the same time. I don’t want some pity friends. I don’t want to be someone’s charity case. I don’t want someone to try and befriend me because i sit in the library at lunch.

I want something Genuine. All I know is I feel very very alone.

Like — Like everyone around me has a place in the puzzle, they fit in, in their own unique way…. and I…. I belong somewhere else. Somewhere…. different. Living here, not necessarily in this town, or state, or country, feels wrong.

Like I’m alive– but everything inside of me is rotting, falling to pieces, and no one can see. And beyond that, no one cares.

And while i know that I could never hurt anyone, not even myself…. Things inside of me scream and cry out for something more, for — a little freedom.

All I have is captive

Blah Blah Blah.

Everyone has pain, and I’m sure if we all took the time to STOP looking at our own pain, and emotional wounds– and looked at someone elses– we’d all feel better.

But that’s too easy.

You know what, I was wrong. You *are* an idiot. My life happens to, on occasion, *suck* beyond the telling of it. Sometimes more than I can handle. And it’s not just mine. Every single person down there is ignoring your pain because they’re too busy with their own.

The beautiful ones, the popular ones, the guys that pick on you… Everyone.

If you could hear what they were feeling, the loneliness, the confusion… It looks quiet down there. It’s not. It’s deafening.

Go Buffy. You sing it girl. OW – OW!

June 2001. A month I will never forget.

I was down. Very very very down. That is extremely depressed. Some sisters wont admit it, but they have a favorite brother– and mine got married that month, and yes that’s why I was down.

You see, It has been confirmned to me many times that marriage, while over all a good thing for both people, often takes good people from their families.

Like my brother.

Well, when he decided to get married– I was happy for him. it was a good thing like I said before, but I realized– that —

there was no more time.

The hours and days slipped past after he had come home from his mission, and all of it was devoted to her. Now, I do enjoy his wife, she’s a very nice girl. But I’m selfish, I admit it, I needed more brother sister time– and it was gone. I don’t know when I realized that it was finally over, but I think it was when they began to open their wedding presents. I left the room, to the furthest place away, found a knife and began to slice at my skin.

Now the blade was very dull, lucky for me, and did very little damage. I was found– crying my eyes out, and he told me he’d still visit, that he wasn’t gone forever–

he’d come back.

I’m crying now, what a dork I am.

And the truth of it is, he does– he comes back for a few minutes, from time to time, to shower or get a haircut from mom–

but it’s never me anymore. It’s never about me. I’m not sure if that’s what hurts, or what. But I know it does– really deep down, in the middle of my chest, and behind my eyes–

I can’t be upset, because I love him, he’s my brother, and he’s happy. They make each other happy. I guess I just wasn’t ready, didn’t really understand.

Or maybe it was the fact that he has to be added to the list of people who broke their promises.

Yeah– that’s it, that’s what hurts.

Derringer Meryl [Inside i’m still a little] Out