Undone

The Illness spreads. I have a freaking feaver, and I’ve been coughing like there’s no tomorrow.

Is there a tomorrow?

In anycase I haven’t been feeling very well. A little Ill, a little barfy– a very tired of school (good thing we’re running low on days WAHOO)

I went to work last night and kept my trap closed about being sick. Sure I was coughing like the plauge was upon us once more, but it’s not like I wasn’t hosed down with lysol or anything.

I’m sorta worried about my Boss. Don’t get me wrong– He’s a bit of a jerk sometimes, but he’s all around nice- I think so anyway. He had to go and get an MRI last night because he has had a headache for over a month. He doesn’t complain as much as me….. not outwardly.

Oh But that didn’t prevent us from fighting, oh no. We got into an argument over what agoraphobia Was.

Agoraphobia-Fear of open spaces or of being in crowded, public places like markets. Fear of leaving a safe place.

That could include social situations right?

I thought so…. anyway, we fought. It’s not un-typical of us, we have the same type of personality, we’re stubborn. I usually can let things go, but psychology is what I love, it helps me feel like i’m in control. So much for that.

He had to tease me for liking ‘him’ again. That’s my boss though, he’s a funny guy.

I’m getting better, and don’t have to work with ‘him’ until a week from saturday. WAHOO

That just ensures that I will deny any sort of familiarity and just ignore the fact that’s he’s strikingly handsome. That’s what I’ll do.

HA, I win again.

DM Out (peace)

My therapist says I’m getting better.

I happen to agree but she doesn’t know everything.

I suppose if I really wanted to get better I could tell her everything, but the words just can’t come. My own fault.

I’m not the shy quiet– well– I’m not the girl I was. I’ve changed. Still–

I can’t bring myself to love— love anything. If I get close to loving some thing, I’ll just —

push away.

Like ‘the guy’ I push him away. I try not to think about him and what not, but sometimes, when I least expect it.

He invades. My mind would wander from this to that– To him. At first I’ll just think about events at work, maybe a favorite television show– and I’ll just think about that, and that ‘he’ like it too. Then I’ll think about other things he likes, that I like….

And soon– my whole mind is about him. It’s a horrible thing. Horrible and wonderful and blessed…. and… and…

Confusing.

Derringer Meryl Out

I have to goto a wedding. So this has to be quick.

It’s amazing how one feels after a great stress has left. Amazing really. AP test is over. I feel much better.

Nothing to do– but I think I’m okay with that.

what a cold and lonely rainy day

I’m obsessed with this song. It’s by 10,000 Maniacs. It’s called Like the Weather. I just listen to it, and it descibes me so well. How I feel when I don’t think— think about him. I think I’m just in love with love. Life with out him is something i’ve obviously done for my whole life. I can do it.

Really.

I have to go get ready to celebrate someone elses happiness.

Derringer Meryl out.

I want you to want me

What a cold and lonely rainy day.

Not really. It’s really bright outside. I’m just forcing myself into a cold and lonely rainy day. I want to hide…..

So tired of studying for the AP test tomorrow. At least I know that there is a large portion of seventeen year olds doing the same thing tomorrow.

By the force of will my lungs are filled, and so I breathe

My heart yearns for ‘he that must not be named’ I can’t help it. I”m getting better just like I promised my boss.

Speaking of whom…. is a dear dear heart. I was having what i’ve now decided was the lingering effects of a panic attack. He let me go home. He may not know, but that meant a lot to me. He’ll know soon, I wrote him a letter. He’s a funny guy. He always teases me about this diary. I don’t take it to heart, I know he’s more than he appears to be, a sweet guy, really nice.

I can’t help but look up to him.

It’s not very often that someone does something like that for me, and it really meant a lot to me. I can’t wait to give him the letter.

a shiver my bones just thinking about the weather

I’m getting pretty tired. Really tired, very easily. It’s odd. I hate it. I suppose I need to exercise more.

My mom’s doctor told her if something wasn’t done soon, she could die in a few years. It really scares me. I love my mom so much, that i don’t even know what i’ll do without her. I’m tired of loosing all the people i love to various fated incidences.

cancer

moving away

death

growing apart

I just don’t know how I could survive it if she died. Not alone. I wouldn’t be able to do it alone. I would want to die….. i’d need a husband… a loving husband who knew my mother.

I can’t have that now. I”m only seventeen. I can’t get married. i dont’ want to be alone.

Derringer Meryl Out

Mom said she didn’t want me to have an online diary anymore. I decided to live in on the edge. No more living in fear

Tuesdays With Morrie did that to me. I’m tired of living the dark. I want to live life to it’s fullest… feel every emotion, and live it….

and let go.

That’s all I want. That’s all.

It’s not hard.

What was hard is the fact I had to tell my boss last night that I had a crush on ‘HIM’ Not my boss… but you know, the guy I have a crush on who I vy to remain nameless on the net. It’s super hard.

But today– I only thought of him as a jerk who was a jerk…

jerk JERK jerk

That’s all I said, to myself any way, and suffered in silence because I knew the truth.

Adorable Trustworthy handsome

I can’t keep but thinking about him. I can’t help it. It’s horrible.

bad Me

bad lama

Derringer Meryl out