Undone

My therapist says I’m getting better.

I happen to agree but she doesn’t know everything.

I suppose if I really wanted to get better I could tell her everything, but the words just can’t come. My own fault.

I’m not the shy quiet– well– I’m not the girl I was. I’ve changed. Still–

I can’t bring myself to love— love anything. If I get close to loving some thing, I’ll just —

push away.

Like ‘the guy’ I push him away. I try not to think about him and what not, but sometimes, when I least expect it.

He invades. My mind would wander from this to that– To him. At first I’ll just think about events at work, maybe a favorite television show– and I’ll just think about that, and that ‘he’ like it too. Then I’ll think about other things he likes, that I like….

And soon– my whole mind is about him. It’s a horrible thing. Horrible and wonderful and blessed…. and… and…

Confusing.

Derringer Meryl Out