Undone

Time to lay down the smack down, right?

I’m trying to convince myself so. I can’t bring myself to wreak havoc on another human life, no matter how insolent and insufferable their actions. I’m weak that I way, I guess. I think it’s more of a blessing, partially. *frowns* and in another way it makes me a doormat. I can’t stand others to feel pain, even if it’s because of their own actions. *sighs*

I called Gert about The Mouth today. He didn’t answer his phone, so now he has a message that i’d like to talk to him about the mouth. *mutters* What am I going to do.

And their (his and a part-timer’s) words just keep running through my mind….

Did you ever stop to think that the constant in all of your failed relationships, is you?

yes. I also knew that i was lame. I knew that no one i worked with likes me enough to spend time with me, out side of work. I have a flat personality, an unexciting life, and extremely low self-esteem. Almost every relationship i’ve been in (Romantic or not) has been abusive, in one way or another. I don’t want people to pity me for my past, i don’t need pity friendships… I have those. Those are tiresome, and i hate it. I want someone to see me for what I am, and like me anyway. I’m broken, I’m tired, I’m ragged, and GOOD GRIEF, i’m not the prettiest thing you’ll ever see, but i’m alive… and i have emotions, no matter how well hidden they are– they’re there. Inside, burning and seething and controlling me.

I don’t plan on masking how I feel every day for the next however long. I can’t quit, and I don’t want to be fired– I just want resolution. Quite honestly, I don’t know one woman who enjoys being called a “Bitch” on a frequent basis, if at all. I don’t enjoy having my low points being joked about. If i was comfortable with my low points, i’m fairly sure i still wouldn’t be comfortable about them being joked about. I’m not saying that i’m the only one who feels this way, that has crappy stuff happen to them…. but i’m the only one who can feel what i’m feeling, just like any other person.

No one deserves to be treated the way i’ve been treated, Not even the lowest of people. Not Drug Addicts, Not Whores, Not Crime Lords. Not one of them. Not even the Mouth HImself.

It’s not right. Not now, not ever.

Derringer Meryl [ticked off] Out

Possibly the worst day at work ever.

I’ve been told that i’m whiny (okay so YES, I am, but you got to do what you do best, right?), Lame, *mutters off a few questionable words she’s been called* and i’m not feeling so awesome about it.

Cause everyone loves being called a bitca, and it’s so much fun being told that you’re the wet blanket and annoying….. I know I am. I know i’m the outcast at work. I know that no one there likes me that much, and that they’d really like to vote me off of the little island that is the store. I’m not their favorite person. I’m not anyone’s favorite ANYTHING. Cause i’m me, I keep it real, and i say what needs to be said. And Yeah, I’m a nice girl. I’m trying to stop swearing so much, and i’m trying to be nicer, and i smile my way through being called all these horrible things… and i don’t know how i’m going to do it anymore.

really. I love my job. and I love working there, i really enjoy Artemis and Gert…. They’re funny and they’re great. They tease me, but it’s okay, because i know them more than i know THE MOUTH…. i know it’s insane … i know that i need to give him more of a chance to get to know me… and me to know him….

but from what i’ve seen so far I dont’ care to know him. At all. Ever. No. I hope he gets his tongue cut out by some thief on the street. I wish he would…. I wish he could just learn to control that blasted MOUTH OF HIS! It’s like he has no consideration for another human being ever.

I’d never consider myself ‘straight-laced’ not even. No way. But I figure, first comes the friendship, then the casual joking and the calling of names. When I know he doesn’t really mean it. NOW, I don’t know that. It’s a thing that I don’t know. I don’t have a tough skin. I’m not a brave girl. And yeah, when he calls me a bitch, i want to sit down and cry. But I can’t because there’s work to be done, and things to do.

*mutters* What a jerk.

Oh Yeah. I have a test tomorrow… .how much does that suck?

Derringer Meryl [Exhausted] Out

Still Gimpy… and I now get to experience three hours of standing. just standing, and talking and helping annoying people get their fetching video games.

I no likie this idea. Bad bad idea.

Derringer Meryl [Chronological Order] Out

I’m Evil. I’m wrong. I’m down and out. Time for a midweek Lyric spew, Right-o?

Heal My Broken Heart, Smile DK

Derringer Meryl [I’ve made a New start] Out

You are… YOU WERE MEANT FOR ME. Time heals all wounds… but you know better.

What Jewel song are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

I love Quizzes. I got this one off of HPgirl’s Live Journal *smiles* I’m no good with quick names. She mentions everyone’s real names in her Journal, but I sincerely don’t think she’s ever mentioned me. That’s okay. You wouldnt’ know anyway, right?

I need to add a little banner for her on my little side bar there. *smirks*

I’m still here, all hurt and what not. I really hope my foot feels better by tomorrow. I have a stint at work, and while I’d enjoy feeding off their sympathy for me (honest, I’m an emotional vampire, and it feels nice.) i’d rather not. I prefer concern, as other things seem to not satisfy the craving as much. *smiles* I’m a bad girl for manipulating people so…. but how can you replace genuine concern for someone, it’s a rush, I tell you, A RUSH! *blinks* And I couldn’t sound more like a psycho, could i?

Maybe, but it’s not something i’m trying for, at least right now. Wudan didn’t come to get his son today, his wife did, so it was a little weird. I thought i was still asleep… (as I have been for most of today) Blah. I needed some information from him on a job for Marco. *Frowns* Poor Marco. *smiles Nicely* One of my bestest friends ever.

Oi, Now I remember what I was going to write about! FFX-2 the first Final Fantasy Sequel ever! oKay, I must tone down the exclamation points, but i’ve been playing the demo today, and the fact that you can make the characters dress up like Pop-Idols and sing to kill the monsters (well sorta, sing to cast spells, they can’t actually kill the monster… which is quite annoying…) is very very entertaining to me. I have to get used to the Active time Battle again (oi, it’s a bit of a pain, especially with gun slingers…) And I’m glad it’s got strong female characters as role models for little girls…. (and as Eye candy for grown up boys. I know how it is, I work in a fetching game store…. I am eye candy.) I just wish more people would realize that even Rayne (from Blood Rayne) could be a good role model for children. She doesn’t take none of that NAZI crap! She’ll suck your blood and use you as a shield, yo! *smirks* Okay, maybe not for really young girls, but for girls who are in their teens and are having problems with the Male Pigs out there in the world. (as I did) You’re not ANYONE’S stepping stone, baby-maker, or dinner cooker. You do what you want… if he wants food… he can get off his lazy butt and do it himself. Let him miss five minutes of his precious hockey game, or quality television like “Debbie Does Dallas”

Honestly. I’ve run into guys like this. I worked with guys like this, I serve guys at my store like this. It sickens me. I’d rather vomit on their shoes than sell them a game i know is serving as some sort of sick subsitute for a girlfriend. (And i mean the sickest kind of substitute…. some of those games do NOT come back looking pretty….) *shudders* I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again. The programmers in Japan, are very lonely lonely men. LONELY

Derringer Meryl [Enemy Inside of Me!] Out