Undone

if it were possible to have one person hate every aspect of you, even to the deep and hidden things, that would be my sister-in-law.

I hate to say it, but i feel that she does. Video games are my pride and joy, besides the fact that they’re my job too. She hates those to pieces….

i don’t know what it is exactly, but I get the vibe. Maybe it’s stress, and it’s just oozing out … I don’t know. I still get the “I hate you” vibe all the same.

Derringer Meryl [confused] Out

in a moment of brief insanity, i’ve decided to update. I have a date next monday. I have my nephews (all three of the out of staters) coming to stay at our house. I have school work blowing out my ears. I’m fairly relaxed, I’m managing fairly well. I just don’t sleep at all. that’s not bad though. I’m alright with that.

Um. Keenspace is back up, which i’m really happy about.

I have a few things i’m really keen about. after six months of self entrapment, i’ve suddenly decided to let myself go, for the enlightenment of others. *shrugs* If i wasn’t such a personal person, who likes to keep a lot of emotional things to herself (deeply emotional things) then i might elaborate. If you ask, i might tell you. that is, unless your name starts with a consonant. :0

I’m so mean.

Poor Mouth has been having a rough time of it. I’m really at a loss of what to do. Usually getting stone drunk helps him feel better, but this isn’t even touching his depression this time. It’s really odd. He’s a great friend, who helped me free myself from my own little prison of emotion. I’d like to help him too, the way he helped me…. so i’ve been thinking really hard about it.

And i’m gonna try to do something, I don’t know what yet. But something. Anything.

Last Sunday, I had a nightmare, for clarification for those who are confused. It was vivid. It was real. I was standing some place, seemed like Wudan’s old apartment, maybe. And The Specialist and I were there. He told me he was tired. He looked it too. He wasn’t smiling. He just looked… haggard… but still recognizably him, if that makes sense. He pulled a gun from his pocket, and put it to his chin, and pulled the trigger.

I woke up crying. And i was alone in my house. I was really scared. He didn’t answer his cell phone either.

It was like having the feeling that you could never tell someone you were sorry. It was horrible. And I never want to feel like that again.

Ever.

Derringer Meryl [A little scarred] Out

Oh Clay Aiken, the things you do to my brain. You make me think when I’ve taken Nyquil. Shame on you.

Right, So I was supposed to work three hours tonight, but I came home early on account of me feeling like crap. Which was Okay. Guts bought me some root beer (a whole six pack, he’s so nice to me) and I came home and took some Nyquil, and i’ve been out like a light since.

The Mouth went out Drinking tonight. I shouldn’t be so concerned about it. But I am, what can I say. Just like he worries about me following the Monkey around like a puppy, i worry about him picking up on Lesbians. I don’t know. I think mine has more room for concern, but… still. Being out drunk seems like a bad idea, especially when he’s sick like he is. (Thus the reason i’ve been feeding him soup, he refuses to take medicine… it annoys me. at least he’ll eat the soup though.)

I’m pretty tired. The Nyquil is kicking furiously at my system, telling me to go to sleep. Maybe after I read some homework– then I can go to sleep. I just want to get some work done first… right. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [Sleepy Meryl] Out

Learning more and more about myself each day. The Mouth helped out today. He made me feel better about myself. He can do that, he just usually chooses not to.

You’re an INFJ

INFJ

You’re future-oriented, and direct your insight and inspiration towards understanding yourself and thereby, human nature…your work mirrors your integrity….reflects your inner ideals…solitude and a chance to concentrate thoroughly on what counts most is important to you…you like to quietly exert your influence…you have deeply felt compassion and desire harmony with others…you’ll go to great lengths to avoid conflict…

You understand the complexities existing within people…you don’t call a lot of attention to yourself…you like to let your accomplishments do your talking….you look for a small group of people who understand and appreciate you and hang with them….you’re gentle and don’t like violence…

You’d rather have a few close friends instead of be at a big party …you’ll do well in college as your “day in the sun” where your brains count more than they did in that ol’ shallow high school…you want your work to contribute to the general good…

You have a strong love of learning…you get along well with teachers and older people…you write well ’cause you can formulate your ideas clearly… you have integrity and consistency….you don’t like the “politics” at work.. you’d rather be able to talk honestly with people than “play games.” (you still play games on the Storm Palace, but would rather post! 🙂 )…intuitive insights into situations…

You’re quiet yet persistent and determined in your efforts toward long-term goals….when you work toward your vision, you win cooperation rather than demand it…even if you don’t lead others, you still facilitate things… leisure time usually is solitary or involves the company of others particularly important to you…you’re perfectly happy just sitting around with close buds discussing feelings…you’d rather have longstanding friends than make many new acquaintences…these deep friendships are important to you, even though you may not share much about yourself…

You become attracted to someone special and prefer this one deep one over many superficial ones…this depth, though, is only partially communicated outwards…you like a regular “date”, revisiting the place where you first met your mates, or doing other symbolic things that help to continue or confirm the existence of the bond.

You may have an ideal standard of the way love is…you’re often disappointed when reality doesn’t quite match up….you want to give love and be loved… you enter into relationships just to be cared for…even when the other person isn’t right for you and you know it….when you meet the right person, though, you are quick to get involved with them and make it a serious one… you’ll end other relationships to be with this “right” one….

When you’re scorned, you take it personally and retreat inward…you may obsess about the relationship and your role in the failure…you blame yourself for a failed relationship and might even need a period of mourning.

You should watch out for becoming blinded by the idealism of your visions or if you focus only on your ideas…this could make you ignore reality when it contradicts those lofty ideals…you could stay with a belief or commitment beyond what the facts would support (stubborn?)…you’re loyal…

Also, you could lose out if you don’t act assertively and are reluctant to intrude on others with your ideas…as a result, you could keep many important things to yourself…you’ll then feel that your ideas are underestimated or unappreciated…maybe you should develop political saavy or assertiveness to sell your ideals…finally, you should be forthright with criticism of others…you’re always doing the “If you can’t say some- thing nice….” stuff. After you hold it inside, you’ll blow up eventually.

INFJ: “Inner Nuances Fosters Journeys”

Derringer Meryl [Looking for Someone More] Out

How to get to know yourself, 101.

Um. If i knew how to get to know myself, i’d know myself, and then I wouldn’t spend time thinking about it all the time. It seems like every part of my personality screams “You’re just like….[insert sibling’s name here]” and it just makes me tired. I’m tired of people saying “I wish you were more like The Specialist” or “You write just like Wudan” I’m sick of it. I guess most of it is internal stuff. I’m comparing myself to them. I’m not as good at computers. I don’t’ have the kind of memory for that kind of thing (no pun intended) I don’t have much of a memory at all. I can recall billions of useless things though.

I’m not a good artist Like (realises that her oldest brother doesn’t have a nickname, shrugs it off, and continues) The Specialist, or Dax. I dont’ have an affinity for programming like Wudan. I don’t have a sharp tongue Like The Specialist or Wudan. (Though my oldest brother does have quite the knack for deflating ones self esteem.) I’m not witty, or clever. I dance like a spaz, though i suppose everyone in my family does. I’m not good at Math, Spelling or any of the sciences like Wudan or The Specialist (respectively). My collages look like a frat boy threw up on some porn magazines.

I dont know what makes me special I don’t know what makes me lovable, I don’t know what makes me worth saving…. Thus I don’t fully have an appreciation for what Christ did. Mostly I’m grateful that He died for my friends. I think they’re pretty damn great people, and i’m happy that they’ve been saved. I don’t understand what… makes me so special. What makes me worth the time, the blood and the pain. (as well as a million other things i don’t care to list at the moment)

I’m naive. I’m deathly clean in the dirtiest kind of way. I’m lost, and I’m not sure what makes me so …. worth the time.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not all about to get my switch blade and my razor blades out and begin hacking at myself (it’s not the funnest way to go at it anyway.) I’m not suicidal. I’m obviously alive for a reason, and God knows it. I just wish I knew it too. knew what made me so worth while. I’m all work and no play…. but that seems to be what life has been telling me to be. Work to be better than your brothers. Never make their mistakes. Stay true to the gospel. Feel bad when you do this. (which i never understood why certain siblings were allowed to do things, that i have been forbidden to do BY them. Because falling in love for a Catholic is so deathly wrong. Good grief.) Do good in school. Get a Job when you’re sixteen. Get great grades. Make people laugh. Smile. Put on makeup. Look good, you never know who is watching.

I just… feel like not doing those things. I guess that’s why i’ve been going to school in my pajamas the past few days. Because i’m literally three steps away from having some kind of break down. and I want to tell someone. Someone who can make it stop… Someone who can pull me back. But everyone looks at me and diagnoses me normal. You’re normal. You look normal. You’re fine. You don’t need help.

and i just want to scream at them. I want to say how much I hate them. How much I hate them for saying I’m fine… when I’m not. How much i just want to break down and cry until my perfect mascara ruins my perfect mask.

God — How did I get back here? I was here three years ago. I thought i was keeping it real. But the urge to satisfy others outweighs all. To make Mom happy, dad, Friends, Family, Church goers, Insurance Company.

When was the last time I did something that made me happy?

About seven months.

Derringer Meryl [The Reason] Out