Undone

If I could– I’d give up nearly everything I know for a beautiful body.

Nearly everything. I’d keep the knowledge of the gospel– but everything else– gone. I wouldn’t care. I’d be gorgous and I’d sell video games– at an amazing rate.

I’d date! Shocker. I actually would date if I were pretty. If one man who was not blood related to me would tell me that I was hot. That he’d date me– I’d date.

I get the little sister treatment.

I don’t mean your best friends little sister. Imagine (if you’re a girl) that you’re a boy, and someone wants you to date your little sister.

Nasty! I know.

A boy once told me he couldn’t date me because I reminded him of his little sister. I hate that. I hate the fact that i”m not demure and — and– coy and all the things boys like

I’m not what they want. I’m not what they’ve been looking for all their lives. I’m their little sister.

Annoying, Bossy, and someone you want to leave you alone for the rest of your life.

That hurts.

Derringer Meryl Out

Today I’m home again

I’m not as sick as I was, but next week they stop taking attendance. I’m going tomorrow…. but i’m …

so not enthused.

School does not stimulate my thinking processes. To put it simply…. school is as good for me as two gallons of gasoline pumped into my body.

what a good analogy. School kills me slowly. My brain feels slightly stupider each time I leave school. I even just used the word ‘stupider’ instead of ‘more stupid’

I found out that my school ranks in the five worst in the nation for spending per student. We only spend around Four thousand a student. That may sound like alot but take into consideration that one of the other bottom states spends ten thousand per student; a difference of six thousand.

How sad is that?

They’re ‘surplussing’ some of our teachers. If you know any thing about bureaucratic ways you know that they always take the good ones anyway. It’s really sort of sad. THen you’re left with mediocre teachers who used to have a passion for teaching, but now just don’t seem to care as the good students with promise who can’t comprehend what they’re teaching, slip through the widening crevices of the school system.

Our school teaches ‘caring’.

Yeah right. Caring about what? Caring about only themselves as the facist bastards sit high in their well paid seats on capital hill. Oh they care alright as they raise their pay wages by twenty percent. “We deserve it!” they cry, as the small voices in each school district cry out for solace, cry out for a savior to help them from the depths of their own wallowing.

No one cares. Not about the Students. Not about the teachers.

We are America’s Future; You get what you pay for America…. if what you pay for is morons– welcome to the future you built.

Derringer Meryl out

Happy Happy Happy!!!!

I just got done watching Buffy. Can we say great? I won’t spoil it for you, but can we say love fest? not a gross one. Just warm fuzzie making people not kill type things…..

*nods* That’s the best ever. Anyway–

My Wonderful lovely nice and sweet and so many other nice adjectives Boss let me have the week off so I can get over my Pnemonia. What a nice man. I’ll have to bake him brownies, or something nice.

I’m getting better in more ways than one. I’m defeating that nice man and I’m not thinking about him that way anymore. In fact often I’m just thinking about schoolwork and all that. And with school work I am safe.

Ahhh so safe.

Anyway– I think I’ll go and finish fixing my web site and what not. you all will have to stop in sometime.

Ciao

Well I still am sick. But they know what it is now.

Pneumonia.

More than likely I just horribly spelled that wrong. I don’t care. I don’t mind and I’m betting that i’m the only one who reads this on a basis that is more than sporadic.

Finally it is easing up.

anyway exfiles is ending, and I want to watch.

Ta- Wish me luck on my crazy final things.

So i happen to still be sick. However add to the constant coughing the possibility with each coughing spree a nosebleed that lasts about a half an hour.

Not so much fun.

So I missed work.

Then I had horrible panic attacks all day that I would be fired. I usually can reason my little worries and what not away with some confidence with the people around me. I ask them the question that’s bothering me, and they reassure me. That’s how it NORMALLY works.

Except today.

They all agreed that it was a serious possibility that I could get fired.

To them I say a great big thank you. Nothing like panicking a person who has Anxiety disorders.

REAL great Idea.

The whole Idea was bleed all over stuff and cough on the air I breathe at work, or stay home and do the same.

I chose to stay home. I could have went. Maybe I should have. I wish I had someone to comfort me. That is other than my Cat, who is currently on my lap. While a cat is comforting, I wish he could talk. And yes that might be a little freaky– I enjoy the thoughts of a talking cat.

*Thinks about how often her silent cat is around her*

Never mind. Talking Cats are a very bad idea.

A boyfriend who is sensitive and straight is better.

I worry that every phone call is my boss firing me. Telling me that I’m not a team player…. that I’m not doing what I should.

Oy.

I’m so grouchy too. I don’t feel like talking– I just want someone to say that I don’t have to worry about HAVING a job at 17, that it’s okay that I just have to worry about highschool stuff, like the prom and whether I’m nice enough.

I don’t need to worry about a car, any kids, a job, or anything else.

Why was my childhood squandered? oh right i had no choice, and since it’s been robbed I’ll just become the cold hearted bitch that hates the person who stole it.

I can’t live life– it’s been stolen from me. ITS TOO LATE.

Derringer Meryl Out