Undone

So —

Yeah.

Monkey broke the news to me tonight that he just wanted to be friends. I can deal iwth that, he’s a groovy guy, and fun to hang with. However I can’t deny it broke my heart a little. *stretches her hands out*

Okay. So it hurt. I don’t blame monkey for the hurt. the hurt is just there, it’s a thing. Things hurt. I’ll struggle through with the hurt, and then it’ll be done.

and I know Monkey will be reading this. Because he does from time to time… It doesn’t hurt because of you. You’re spiffy, you’re splendorific. I love spending time with you. You make me laugh, and you like Buffy.

And I’m enough of a grown up to see that you make an excellent friend, and it’ll take a while for the hurt to stop, but — thank you for telling me. Some people wouldn’t have the heart, and in the end it’d just make it hurt more.

I guess what i’m trying to say is, I understand, and the fact that I hurt, it’s just a thing. and I like hanging out with you too.

now to leave with some lyrics…. because i like to do that. Goodnight Sweet Girl Ghost of the Robot

Are we done for now,

Or is this for good,

Will there be something in time?

With us there should.

Only girl for me is you

There can be no other one

If I didn’t have faith

I would come undone

So much promise in your eyes

Seems that I can only see

It always makes me wonder

If you save it all for me

Maybe you do

Maybe you don’t

Maybe you should

Probably won’t…

Because there will be…

There will be other guys

Who will whisper in your ear

Say they’ll take away your sadness

And your fears

They may be kind and true

They may be good for you

But they’ll never care for you

More than I do

I’ll be always there

There to the end

I can’t do much

But be your one true friend

To the end

Through the end

Our lives to spend

With each other till the end

Of time…

Still see the promise in your eyes

And still wonder if it’s for me

But i know it’s still there

Even when you sleep

So I say, good night sweet girl

I guess you’d just have to hear it. It’s awesome. After this song, I’m going to listen to the hell that is my life by Zebrahead, just because it makes me feel better about anything… and everything.

Derringer Meryl [bracing for a headache] Out

Drama Queen.

that’s what i am. i know it, you know it, and no matter where you happen to be in this great big world…. if you’ve been around me, you know i’m that way. It’s just me.

*sighs* I gave my co-worker a welt tonight. *winces* i feel bad, so I kissed it better. He and I got to talking about Camping, and how camping doesn’t like me. And i have to say that honestly Camping likes me just as much as i like Bill Gates. … *Grins wildly* Eh.

And about the job. The girl seems nice enough. I can’t say I can totally judge, i’ve only known her a few hours… but I know I could have done a great job, especially since I was thinking about how many people I’ve helped train. Travis, Morgan, Angie, Joel, a whole bunch. Honestly– I’ve helped train nearly everyone of my superiors, ever. It’s a little frustrating. I’ve been thinking, I could work and get the benefits of Gamestop, while the money of SLCC or even somewhere else. 🙂 Depending on where I get a job, I don’t really care…. I just need to supplement my income!!

Anyway, I’ll think, I’ll read email, and I’m going to gush like the teenage girl I am. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [Gushie] Out

Confused, Confuzzled, and all around– dying inside.

I’m not sure if I’m upset for the right reasons. Afriend of mine got demoted at work, and …. i’m not upset because he got demoted so much as i am upset that I’m not getting his job.

It’s hard to explain.

He was weak, and …. i’m not even sure. He was making all these bad decisions, and …. it just seemed so fast…

and then he’s getting replaced. By some girl. The thought makes me angry because I don’t like girls, and i don’t like the idea that i’m getting passed over when i have two years of experience.

and i’m going to hear them out, going to see what they say, and If I don’t like it, i’m giving my two weeks. I hate to leave. It’s two years of my life, two years of precious memories, and I know they’ll fade…. but– God why does everything have to change at once. I need to move up, I have to go up, or I’ll never reach my goal. I’ll never work at Game Informer, and i”ll never own my own magazine……..

and I don’t know why everything is moving so fast now. I don’t know where I fit into it all.

but i’ll listen, and i’ll figure it out, and if i fit in on the outside, then it’s too damn bad, i’m gone. *sighs*

Derringer Meryl [fast movement] out

Today, I’ve decided to steal my entry from my brother and post the same lyrics as he did. It’s odd that we’re seven years apart, and going through the same thing. heh. It’s great.

right then, Lyrics are Damnit by Blink182 Enjoy 🙂

It’s alright to tell me what you think about me

I won’t try to argue or hold it against you

I know that you’re leaving you must have your reasons

The season is calling and your pictures are falling down

The steps that I retrace a sad look on your face

The timing and structure did you hear he fucked her?

A day late a buck short I’m writing the report

I’m losing and failing when I move I’m flailing now

And it’s happened once again

I’ll turn to a friend

Someone that understands

Sees through the master plan

But everybody’s gone

And I’ve been here for too long

To face this on my own

Well I guess this is growing up

Well I guess this is growing up

And maybe I’ll see you at a movie sneak preview

You’ll show up and walk by on the arm of that guy

And I’ll smile and you’ll wave we’ll pretend it’s okay

The charade it won’t last when he’s gone I won’t come back

And it’ll happen once again

You’ll turn to a friend

Someone that understands

And sees through the master plan

But everybody’s gone

And you’ve been there for too long

To face this on your own

Well I guess this is growing up

Well, I guess this is growing up [4x]

Well, I guess this is growing up

Derringer Meryl [I hate growing up] Out

Finally, twenty minutes later and I can’t even remember what I”m going to write about.

Eh. Let’s start at the beginning.

1-

Wiccas. Damnit I said wiccas. I went to read an EX friend of mine’s journal for the very first time (and last) and she’s all upset because I was ill when she was here. GOD, what?! Was I supposed to get together with all the germs in the fetching city and say “Oh By the way, Sally’s coming into town, I’d appreciate not getting sick!” And beyond that, no one knew what it was. They took like fifty ounces of blood and STILL didn’t know what it was. All I wanted was some peace and FRIGGIN’ quiet. Cheeze.

Not to mention I was angry at her ANYWAY for breaking EVERY rule my parents had in place. I mean gettin’ high, giving some jerk a blow job, and getting drunk. Great, I know how about you start to whore yourself out? And then she expects me to be all caring and shit when her life goes down the drain. I told her, I TOLD HER that those choices would end her up in bad places.

WHY DIDN’T SHE LISTEN TO ME???

I don’t know, but now she’s a wicca. I’m not scared of her, for the basic reason of if she even did have something of mine to torture me with, I have no emotional connection to her, and the person whom she may or may not be attempting majiks on no longer exists. I’m not the door mat who says it’ll be okay. I didn’t want to abandon her, but I simply couldn’t carry her dead weight any longer.

One night I had a wondrous dream,

One set of footprints there were seen,

The footprints of my precious Lord,

But mine were not along the shore.

But then some stranger prints appeared,

And I asked the Lord, “What have we here?”

Those prints are large and round and neat,

“But Lord, they are too big for feet.”

“My child,” He said in somber tones,

“For miles I carried you alone.

I challenged you to walk in faith,

But you refused and made me wait.”

“You disobeyed, you would not grow,

The walk of faith, you would not know,

So I got tired, I got fed up,

And there I dropped you on your butt.”

“Because in life, there comes a time,

When one must fight, and one must climb,

When one must rise and take a stand,

Or leave their butt prints in the sand.”

~Author Unknown~

God, she was like the poster child for this poem. I couldn’t stand to drag her any further, it’s like when you’re in the water, you can help someone for so long, but after a while their dead weight starts to make you sink. Honestly I couldn’t let myself go down with her. I saw the road she was walking, and I realized I was too late. She didn’t want help, she wanted approval, and I wasn’t about to give it to her. I don’t care what she says about me being a crappy friend, because– Because I tried. I tried to get her to feel better. But the truth was, she didn’t want to get better, she wanted a fix, something quick.

So screw you Sally. I hope you find some false peace in your “blessed be” dark arts. Because Though I walk through the valley of death each day– I fear NOT evil.

Derringer Meryl [Majick? Pshaw] Out