Undone

Happiness all around.

Red has a guy friend from the net, whom she is totally and completely crushing on, I got a new pair of pants and two new shirts for all my trouble at work, and —

despite the fact that I don’t have new job, and I still live at home…. I’m happy. I mean how can I not be? My best friend is happy, and slightly link-ed-ish, so that’s happy news!

Oh and the new picture on the diary. Right. I got it from Eden (Click the artist link at the top, it’ll take you to Jason Chan’s website) and I goofed with it a little, hope Jason doesn’t mind…. ^_^;;

I’m working on finishing off my real journal soon, only fifty or so pages left. It makes me feel so GREAT when i finish a journal off. The next one I want to look like a comic book, it’s spiral bound and has Cat Woman on the front. It absolutely love it. It’s probably going to be my most colorful Journal yet.

I’m so happy, I went to (I really need to spend time thinking of nickname’s for my friends… this takes too long.) I’ll call him Monkey, because the monkey on my desk has the same name has him. ;D Well for the first time I went to his house sans Marco. It was nice, not that I didn’t get the grill when I got home because I went to his house (hello, with permission) and my mom forgot to ask if anyone else would be there. *sighs* It’s the catch-phrase of the moment, but I need to move out.

I know, maybe i’ll take some little certification classes like Excel and some other programs, and see what I can do. People want experience, and if I can be all certified, it’s certainly a start. I’m not sure if i’m into the whole college thing, I just want to write, and I want people to listen, I don’t know if I have to spend fourty years at college for that, or if i need to send my manuscripts to Oprah. whatever, i just need to get on the ball.

Priorities

– Get a Good Job, Pays well

– Get a Car, Point a to b, runs etc.

– Move OUT, preferably sans roommate in the traditional roommate-ie sense.

There ya go. What I need to do. Sure, I’d like to take a few classes at the college, just because the college experience…. well, I think If I experience more things then my readers will be able to relate to me more.

Whatever.

Derringer Meryl [Teach Me Yoda] Out

I’ll never understand the thought pattern of my parents. Sure, someday I will, or at least hope to be, a parent. But I don’t get my parents.

So I’m semi-like seeing this guy. I’m not sure what it is, and right now, i’m just enjoying the fun and the being swept away by the warm fuzzies. It’s what I do. I’ve never been in a relationship (friends or otherwise) where I can be so relaxed that I just enjoy everything for face value. I don’t analyze everything to death and back…. I’m just– me. And It’s nice, with the sweeping and the light flirtatious-ness. It’s very, refreshing since I’ve just came out of a very serious relationship (See, High School, re: the hatred of) and it’s nice. It’s uber nice.

then I get all these heavy feelings. My mom and dad are all captain disapproval (of what i’m not sure) I’m not even sure if they disapprove, or if their just captain bring down. I’m just going a little insane while i’m keeping it light with him, my parents are all “He’s not active and blah blah blah.” Yeah, so it matters to me, but right now, I’m not wanting to think about it.

I don’t know how to explain it, and it’s really crazy since this is me, and what not, but i’m not planning a marriage, i’m living in the now for once in my FRIGGIN’ life, and enjoying it. I’m enjoying every bit of it. I’m thinking about how nice it feels to cuddle, and not how to plan my wedding reception.

And they keep hounding me, and i’m beginning to become annoyed. *laughs* we were watching BUffy when my mom came in and tapped her watch (it was 12:12am) and he leans over and says “You really need to move out.” To which I heartily agreed. Unfortunately, I need to find myself a better job first *le sigh* I nearly left my family at the movie theater to get home and talk to him–

now i’m too chicken to pick up the phone, dial and talk.

Congrats, you’ve met someone more psycho and paranoid than yourself!

Derringer Meryl [Everybody’s coming to] Out

You know those Car Hop girls? The ones that have two trays, and wearing skates.

I feel like one of those. Except I’m no good at balancing on my own two feet, let alone on rollerskates, it’s insane!

So imagine me, trying to balance Me, and not getting all overly stalker-y with this guy I like, and my friend who likes him to, but sincerely promises me that she won’t go after him…

So I feel all of these things, all of these ways, and it’s starting to annoy me. It annoys me that I cant’ voice anything– because If I do, I may offend someone I love.

I don’t know if he wants to even come over to my house and watch Buffy, or if he’s doing it to be polite, or what. I get confused. He doesn’t ask me out on a date, but invites me to hang out– maybe I’m just this super cool friend that knows what girls are thinking.

I have No clue.

And right now, I feel like I’m chasing my tail. No matter if Red is pursuing him nor not– I can never be as good as her. Not at flirting, not at anything. I’m slow, I’m scared, and I’ve lost the ability to put on a brave face for the sake of myself and others.

In fact– I don’t know what to do. One of the girls from my school… she’s getting married in two months. TWO MONTHS! It’s scary, she is going into this world of all these new things, and I feel like I haven’t even made it to the adult table for thanksgiving yet. I feel like a five year old stuck in the sandbox, while everyone else is growing up, and passing me by.

I don’t know what to do, why i’m not growing up too… I’m just here.

And beyond that, i’m angry. I have one of the HIGHEST Seniority at my work, and got SCREWED over on my pay. I trained the people who are getting paid better than me. I trained my old manager, I trained my co-workers, I trained managers for other stores. And I get paid friggin’ less than ALL OF THEM!!!

And the fact that I’m a girl, and they’re all guys, makes it look bad. Very bad, for them, because I’m the HARDEST worker they have. All of my co-workers can tell you, I’m married to my job. I love it, I spend extra time off the clock just thinking about what we could do to make the store better. I stratagize, and BLAH!!

I’m the queen of that store!!

Derringer Meryl [Melodramatic Fool] Out

So, it’s been a while. I splattered my heart, but lucky for me– that wasnt’ what hit the fan.

My insecure mind, along with the English language and the abuse thereof, caused me and my friend Red to fight. Er, fighting. Or something. It’s currently still a war that’s being waged. And part of me doesn’t want to try and fix it, because i know i’ll make it worse.

and that scares me. I’m not usually the fix it girl. I’m the incapable of fixing it girl. I guess it’s my own negative attitude that keeps me from having a good life, but I think to myself every night– “What have I done in my life, that makes me think that i deserve good things from life?” and i know the answer, and it’s the same every night as I roll over…

“Absolutely nothing.” I contribute nothing but pain and hurt into the world. I dont’ expect Kharma or the law of the harvest to give me good things, because I haven’t put any good into the world. I expect the worst, because I believe that’s what I deserve.

I don’t deserve a good friend like Red, so I make it up in my mind that there’s something wrong with her, and so– it’s justified.

I don’t know. I’m sick, and twisted– and i could be walking on cloud nine if I could just figure out — why I can’t trust my best friend. I need to. Yeah. She made a mistake, but DAMNIT, so did I. So do I…. I told Nym that she liked him. It was stupid and she kept trusting me with out missing a beat.

But I’m so scared. So many people have hurt me.

What can I do?

Derringer Meryl [If my eyes don’t decieve me] Out

So it’s uber late, and I’m up, writing in this… because I haven’t gotten around to writing in my physical journal… but this entry would (and does) vary very much from the real journal.

Because anyone can read this one. The other one, I’d say is under lock and key… but it isn’t… so … that would be really lame. Blah.

The psychological theory or proximity in choosing a mate is interesting. Also, it’s interesting to test it’s application in real life. I mean, take this for example. I used to have crush on my former Assistant Manager. I don’t any more, because I never see him. Don’t get me wrong, he’s still a friggin’ hot toddie, but the elastic in my underwear has ceased to melt. Maybe it’s because we don’t talk all the time, or maybe I’ve finally hyped myself out of it… I dont’ know. But it’s done. It’s run it’s course, and it’s done.

then I liked this guy from another store. Barely knew him, never saw him… blah, all of it. Now that, was pure, unadulterated LUST!! How can I tell? Well the fact that I couldn’t breathe around him, and the fact that I don’t remember hardly anything that he ever said to me, but I could tell you, he has one hell of a six pack and the most gorgeous smile you’ll ever see on a man…. *drools* that’s lust. I want him for his body. then that was done. Mostly with the whole multiple rejection thing and because he doesn’t seem too interested (cause I’m so damn fine…. HA!)

Then there’s this new guy. It wasn’t like a *WHOOSH* crush. It was like a gradual thing. In fact in the beginning i hated him. He was a major pain to me. Competition or something. Vying for our bosses attention. Sure, I thought he was handsome, but it wasn’t the major thing I noticed. he wasn’t a major pig was actually the first thing I noticed. he was polite, but not like prom polite, ya know? where you just open the door because it’s prom and you figure, “Well it’s just for tonight….” and then you do it…. Naw, he was like genuine.

My friend Red keeps telling me that I”m so brave, and that I always have the courage to ask guys out…. and I’m so brave and what not. The truth is, It took me a year to tell my assistant manager that I liked him. And I did that over this journal. (See the Pancakes and Gardina’s thing… crazy crap) and the other guy, well I was off in “I’m so happy i found an inexpensive prom dress and i could be going with the most handsome guy i have ever seen and could be a model” land that there was no time to be nervous. (Oh, yeah and he shot me down — like an american fighter pilot.) Eh, What can you do? So when It comes to this guy, he seems so nice, and ya know, i don’t have the perfect “He so wonderful” image in my mind (which is actually good, because that just ends up hurtin’ ya more.) he’s got flaws, but they balance with mine.

I guess the other guys were shots into the mystical wonderland of “NOT EVEN POSSIBLE” -ville that it didnt’ hurt because i was expecting it. I don’t know what to expect here, Really. I’m not sure what is going on in his mind…. but DAMN, would I love to crawl through it sometime.

and the fact he could be reading this, at any time, is really scary to me. Cause it’s like — ripping your heart out, splattering it on the net, and then waiting…..

I think the waiting is the worst

for the rejection that I KNOW will come. I can’t say I’m welcoming it with open arms, but it’s like…. an expected thing now.

A sturdy “Sorry but NO, Meryl.” and off to Ben and Jerry’s Land. (as well as 20 pounds heavier.

Whatever. Apathy is the key to living a successful life.

Derringer Meryl [Scared Pantsless] Out