i am trying (TRYING) to write a story. Not even a novel, or a novella, not anything trying to be presumptuous. I’m trying to dig back into something I’ve kind of shut myself off from (writing) and it’s H-A-R-D. Seriously. It’s not like another hobby you can put down for a few years and then just pick it back up again, No problems. It’s killin’ me. I feel though, like the story is burning to get out of me. I feel like I should write it hot and fast and just… put the fire out.

It’s like holding a breath in, or dieting. All you can think about is when you get to breathe again, or eat something GOOD. I’m frustrated.

No. I won’t be posting the story on the blog. Not that you wanted to read it anyway. Like I said. Hot and fast. Messy, and angry and OUT.

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Dream Recap

Recently, a coworker and I were discussing about what our bliss was. For those who go “what the what?” when they hear that, it’s a job or task that you feel happiest doing. Like if someone paid you to do that, you’d be in heaven. For me, i have a few things that zen me out. Like I would LOVE to do them for a job. 1- Bein’ a mom. It’s ROUGH right? But I love my kids. I would totally nanny it up and take them to parks and to mueseums and stuff that’s hard to do now because I’m at work, and exhausted all the time usually (not to say SAHM’s aren’t exhausted, I’m just sayin’ you muster up energy when it’s your job and you’re getting paid!!) I would love to get paid to just… be a mom. I think I’m pretty good at it. Not perfect, but as I always say “I’m not snorting crack off my baby’s stomach, so i’m not the worst mom out there.” 2- Write. I am not always the best writer, but I think I could grow and get better. Boogers that reminds me of something i wanted to write out earlier….. Anyway, the proverbial cherry on the sundae of awesomeness would being able to write about being a mom gamer. i think it’s kind of a new situation for a lot of women out there. Also to the moms that aren’t gamers, I feel like I could lend a mommy hand and say “i know this seems weird and you don’t get it, but let me help you” I don’t know. The damn wii opened things up so a lot of mom’s are getting into it more, but I guess that doesn’t mean they understand it completely…. anyway… third, i think, is the most shocking. 3 – Broadcasting/Radio DJ. I am serious, fo’ shiz. I listen to the radio a lot, more than anything else i’d say, because I love Radio Dj’s especially the local ones we have here on X96 in the morning. I’d love to work with them as a intern, but they only take people in HS or in college. I’m neither. So I just sit and listen to the good time they’re having and think “I’d love to be doing this. I think i could do it!” Although in the past I have thought I could be the following: Teacher, Lawyer, Actress, Librarian, Secretary, Realtor and accountant. i would still like to be a secretary, but… whatever. The fact of the matter is, i keep comign back to being a mom, and being a writer. I think, besides my voice, it’s something that has gotten me the most compliments (notice though that I didn’t ever mention wanting to be a singer. The only song I love singing absolutely at this point? Self Esteem by The Offspring. Oh yeah.)

Anyway. I was discussing Pioneer Woman (Ree Drummond) and how she has this MEGA SUCCESSFUL blog and ladidah. All i could find to say was A) more power to her, I would love to be like her and B) I am too tired after a day of wrangling adults who act like toddlers at work, to come home and do what she does. HELL I’m too tired to come home, play a video game, and then Blog about it. Oh massive tip here, a year of gamefly for Christmas? T’would be awesome. la la la love it. anyway. I have ideas, always in my head, and I think about how to bank roll them, but never really get past the idea part. I think it would be great to have a mocktail bar down here in dry-county. I think a place that is fancy enough that there would be a dance floor (for BALLROOM type dancing) would be fabulous, and have yummy meals and NO screaming kids. and no bongo drums, or people singing happy birthday…. maybe a nice string quartet… I’m just saying. I have plans. I have ideas. I think with help, my ideas could be successful. Also, I would like to eat out somewhere, where it is all tables for two. Where you sit and think “oh this would be a great place to be proposed to. Something classy! C”MON UTAH!!! CLASSY!?!

anyway. I think I better go jot down that idea I had.

derringer Meryl [wha wha WHAT UP!] Out

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the one where I want to be a real blogger

You know, the bloggers who have actual followers and they get free crap in the mail! THAT KIND!! The Julie/Julia Kind, A Ree Drummond or Crissy from Toy With Me (Mom don’t read that blog. Seriously. Don’t.)

I should get my stuff together and really write something. Sit down, organize and write. I want to be a real writer. I want to be able to have people read my stuff and love it. I’ve got so much to say– now to get a theme, and write it!

Don’t have enough debt to write about getting out of it, don’t have enough talent to cook (I’m lame like that) I only know a little about gardening, and it’s awfully late in the season for it. I could do a geek quilting blog. Or just a quilting blog. I really need to get motivated on my quilting project.

Who knows. Maybe I could write about being a depressed mom who works at a job that makes her insane? (hoohoo?) or maybe I should just stick to fiction ๐Ÿ˜‰

Derringer Meryl [I wish i could find a spot just for me]

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the one where I talk about dreams

I hate dreaming. especially on the medication I’m on. it’s like being awake and asleep blur together, and I’m not sure what has happened. Last night I dreamed I decided to up and leave and go to boston, and my entire family (meaning my parents and brothers and sisters in law) were in favor of this. I remember that I thought it was too cold in Utah, and I apparently thought that Boston was going to be some sort of tropical island. It was bizzare. There were some under currents to the dream that made it increasingly more disturbing, but I choose not to revisit those.

Mom has suggested that I apply for a blogging job. I’m not sure If I’m coherent enough for that, but I figure I should try for it anyway. It’s for a “getting out of debt” blog. I’m not as deep into debt as the average american, but I think I may have an angle that works. Also I’m younger than they’d like, so i’m already fighting on that. Anyway. It’s something I’d like to do. Write for a living. Or I guess, write for money you know? They say writing is like being a prostitute… first you do it for fun, then you do it for those you love, and then you end up doing it for money. HAHA, clever.

As I mentioned I was reading through my writings from college. I find myself just staring at them a little. I want to write more. I find myself struggling with expressing the images in my head. They are beautiful, and breath taking. Vivid and enthralling. Sometimes, they are just scary. Mostly… mostly just beautiful. Sometimes i read what I write and I try to remember what I was feeling, but can’t. ๐Ÿ™ It’s sad for me. I want to recapture things like that… I was very depressed in high school, but I had passion. I felt like the sun was on the horizon, that the darkest hour was right before dawn.

Now I feel like I’ve shut myself in the closet and shut out the light. On many, very real levels, I hate myself. I do not think I deserve things. I don’t deserve to be happy. I am a thing to make people happy. I literally do not consider myself to be human. I dont’ know why… I don’t know why I’m like this. But it’s damaging. It’s a horrible way to live, it’s a horrible way to think. I feel like by not saying it for so long I’ve allowed myself to really believe it. Why i’ve deprived myself of so much. I have been thinking myself a healthy person when I’m not. No worries my friends and family. I am currently on medication, that clearly (unfortunately) is not working well, but monday I”ll discuss it with the doctor, and we’ll try again. I do not believe that depression is something to be ashamed of. I am always saddened when I find out someone has been silently struggling. I want to help people, I want people to see me and know I’ve been there too. Feeling like there is NO reason to be sad, but still hopelessly sinking into a dark hole. Wishing you were dead, just so you wouldn’t have to feel like this anymore. I have been (and I am) Suffering from a Major Depressive Episode. It is HARD for me to be out there, but the fact is, i don’t have anyone to pull me out like I did in High School. As much as my husband loves me (and he does) he cannot spend every minute of the day plotting on how to cheer me up. I know my mom worked really hard when I was in high school, trying to keep me on an even kilter. It was rough on her. I’m sure of it. I had good friends that helped her too. I feel sad that I’ve regressed so much to that girl.ย  In some ways, I am worse. Luckily for me, I haven’t thrown up from the stress, which I did in High school a couple of times. I miss the luxury of being a teenager. When you could just shut the world out. Go home and stay in your room and cry if you wanted to. Funny thing, you can’t do that when you’re an adult. You cant’ just say “Sorry I’m not coming to work today, or for the next week. I’m going to sit in my bed and eat food until I feel better, or until my skin becomes part of my sheets. Don’t dare me, I’ll do it.” Or for that matter, stay in bed because you feel so catatonic that the idea of talking to anyone at all seems impossible.

New to this bout of depression is Paranoia. (Funny Enough, Flag Pole Sitta is playing in the background right now) I’ve been… attentive before to protecting myself. But I have paranoid delusions. That people are talking about me. That people want to kill me, even people I should trust. Scott would say I’m being over dramatic. I am not. I fear it. It consumes my thoughts. i think about it a lot more than I would consider natural.

Anyway, going to go to bed. I have a nice weekend laid out for me… whoo!

Derringer Meryl [nice relaxing weekend] Out

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In case you haven’t heard

Scott FINALLY (as in we’ve been waiting since late June) got approved to get a pump. It should be here monday. We are both metaphorically doing the snoopy dance. I’m glad he’ll get some good sleep before i go back to work and that I won’t have to wonder if he’s passed out from getting a sugar low. he’s happy that he gets to feel human again instead of what passes for human when you have to shoot up insulin at every turn.

I’m not looking forward to this week being my LAST week out. I would take the month of September too if I could, but unless 2 paychecks worth of cash suddenly drops into our laps, it’s not going to happen. Oh well. I’m grateful that I got more time with Audrey than I did with Katie. I’m also grateful for the time I”ve got to spend with Katie. She’s not potty trained by any extent of the mind, but she does ask to go Potty on occasion…. which is a milestone. I’m not going to push potty training on her any too fast. It’d be nice not to have to buy diapers… but I don’t have the energy to ask her every 20 minutes if she needs to pee.


I’ve been watching The Guild online, and immensely enjoying it. I told Scott I think Felicia Day is hot, which she is, however I immediately followed it up with that I think I’m pretty dang awesome too. In case you don’t follow Biggest Loser Friend Edition, I’m doing fairly well on my weight loss. I think so anyway. I’m feeling good about it.ย  I’m also trying to be good about my intake and what not, I’m not perfect, but I’m trying to do what I can. …

Which brings me to the addiction I don’t want to admit I have. Diet Coke. to be specific, I like fountain Diet coke the best, where it’s fizzy but not bottled fizzy. For some reason the maverick near my house has CRAPPY diet coke. Don’t ask me why. It’s horrible. I have to say that the Wendy’s near my house has the BEST diet coke. I try to see how long I can go without one… it’s hard. I’m not addicted to the caffeine, but I just love the taste and the fizz. Scott thinks I”m crazy, and i can see why. I could drink anything I want and I choose one of the only things he CAN drink, it’s boring. Though I will heartily admit that a creme soda, or a fruity soda is my fav, Raspberry or strawberry preferably… but those are hard to find. A local eaterie has red creme soda, and I die nearly every time I eat there. I race the take out guys (I do this every place I do take out actually) to finish the drink before they can get my food so I can have a refill. Other places like Beans and brews I try to pace myself so that I don’t drink it too fast, try and savor it… it’s still usually gone by the time I hit the freeway. Dang it. I wish I could get a 44 oz raspberry creme soda. I think next time I do a grocery run I might snag some raspberry drink and coffee creamer and see how that works (liquid creamer, small since it’s a test) If it works well, then maybe I can wean off of the diet coke. I find that now days I can go w/o eating, but I MUST have a drink…. not that I starve myself… I just would rather drink than eat. Weird right?

I should probably be sleeping since katie is napping and audrey is passed out… still. I will need to get Katie up soon so she doesn’t wake up in the middle of the night…. also I have to stay awake to make sure Scott gets to work on time.

Did I mention our cooler died? it did. No good. It still blows air, but it’s not cool. we’re thinking the pump is kaput. we’re going to look into it tomorrow… hopefully! I don’t think i can last ALL day w/o a cooler! Lorna has offered a window cooler if we don’t get it fixed though. So here’s hoping.

I went in for my 6 week appt, all was well, Dr said everything looked like it had healed really well. No offense to him, but I don’t think he was as good as my old OB who was apparently SO magic that he couldn’t even see the scar from my section with Katie. I dont’ think I’ll have that problem this time. It’s not ugly, it’s just not invisible.

My Twilight book has now become so worn from readings/Katie Beatings (that is the beatings Katie gives it, I don’t whack my daughter with a hardback book. Or really at all.) that the cover is coming off. ๐Ÿ™ No not the dust Jacket. While I enjoy dust Jackets, I mean the hardback binding is broken, and I hate it. Scott is hating having to read it, I put forth a valiant effort IMO to like his book. It’s not my kind of thing, but I found things about the book to discuss with him. I’m trying to draw him out on discussing Twilight as his only statement so far has been “All the men are written like women and it’s clear she didn’t get any masculine input regarding the characters. I know she at least talked to her brothers about the cars, so thereย  ๐Ÿ˜‰

Anyway. I think I’m fairly unapproachable about twilight criticism. I don’t know why it’s one of the few things I feel really passionate about. Worry not fair people. I soon will have a new favorite thing (not unlike Xena, Buffy, and now Twilight) and you will all be released from hearing me blather on about it.

I’ve been toying with the idea for a book myself. I also have been toying with theidea of getting a journal so I can flesh out some of the characters. The only problem is all I have are villains, and no hero. Maybe they can be antiheros? Mmm. maybe not. they’re just unique villains. Maybe it’s not really a book idea at all… just characters I keep in my head.

At some point I’d like to be published. You know … not just internet-I-run-my-own-blog published. Like really write something and have it be published and make money. I would write just about anything… I’d write in a magazine, an online magazine, a collection of short stories, a novel, a comic book, a movie, whatever. I would love to write. I haven’t really written anything since I got married. I’ve even had a hard time blogging regularly… I suppose I think i don’t have much that is interesting to say…. However I do like hearing myself talk.

Derringer Meryl [annoyingly so] OUt

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