Me, This one is all about ME

these are a few of my favorite things…..

Not anything warm and fuzzy, like Julie Andrews would say…. My favorite things are Fanfictions, friends, friends who review, reviews… Okay, my brain extends beyond that. I’m excited about my psychology class, and i wonder if i’m going to write papers for it. It makes me kind of excited *nods enthusiastically* I’m possibly the only person in the world who you’ll find being excited about writing psychology papers.

Of course, you’d be excited too if you had me analyze what type of automobile says about your life, almost any aspect of it. i’m so odd and obsessed with the stupidest things…..

Like the male mind. Being a girl myself, one cannot help but ponder what goes on inside their brain. I mean, I know how my brain works, slightly…. and i know that all brains are not the same…. and all that rubbish i’m always promoting…. but i want to know…. why guys do what they do. Girls are attracted to color and emotion…. boys… god I don’t know what attracts them other than breasts. Honest. I’m not trying to be gross, just honest.

that’s an annoyance to me. I’ve said it before, i find it slightly flattering when a guy checks me out, i mean the once over, and it’s appreciated. I do not enjoy leers towards my chest. I mean, it’s fleshy stuff, just like your legs, or your stomach. *shrugs* I really don’t see what the big deal is. What i absolutely loathe though is having them talked to. I mean having a guy (as i haven’t run into many girls around here who have done it to me….) talking to me, but looking at my boobs. The animeboi here (i like to call him Miroku in private circles) does it, Monkey does it, though i have a feeling it’s just because … they’re there. Ihaven’t caught the Mouth or Gert doing it to me, but i’ve noticed some guys are more tricky about it. Like they notice if you’re noticing, and they keep it short…. which i don’t mind. If i don’t catch you, then it’s okay… My personal opinion.

I’m sure most of my readers (who are family…. Specialist and Dax) are blushing their brains out. I’ll move on.

I’ve increased my AMV collection by a few more videos. It gives me a thrill to watch them, and i have to admit,one of my favorite things.

Julie also includes things she doesn’t like, and i’m telling you what i don’t like. Being mistaken for a thirty-year old woman with kids Yeah. I have no kids. Hell, I’m not thirty. I’m eighteen. EIGHTEEN. Nothing great. I’m a few years away from any of that stuff people think of when they see me. I’m not delicate, or lanky, or wan, or twiggy. I look like i’ve pushed out a kid or two (isn’t that sad?) It’s just the way i look. *grumbles* yeah, I look like i should go anorexic for a little while… somehow i don’t…. mostly because i know it wouldn’t help anything… besides the fact it’s completely unhealthy… i know i’ve gained weight since i stopped my medication.

damn medication. I’m allowed to say that… i’ve decided. It ruined my high school experience, it’s given me permanent (as far as i can tell) shakes, and i’ve gained weight….. Yeah, that pretty much allows for the damnation of an inanimate object.

Sometimes i consider re-medicating myself again…. except that means going back to my therapist… and i don’t want to. She’s nice. I admit that…. but it feels like…. a friend whore. I pay her to listen to me…. and help me. that for some reason, disgusts me beyond all reason. I can’t explain it– but it makes me ill. Very ill. Besides, I’m not as sick as i was a few years ago, when i started.

I’m not sure the therapy helped. I went to group, everyone else had serious problems…. none of them i can disclose or anything… but… real deep problems, and i was the girl who’s first boyfriend abused her– and she was in therapy. I felt — odd. I felt, wrong. I couldn’t help but compare– Some of those girls had deep emotional scars…. and i was just abused verbally. I mean, yeah, I’m fat. SO what? That’s what he told me…. every day… in a million different ways. And God help me, i loved him anyway. I loved him so much, i didn’t care about the pain–

until he was gone. Then I was angry… and i felt ugly. No, i didn’t feel ugly, i was ugly. I was disgusting, and vile. I knew it. He’d convinced me a million times that i was wrong…. that i was sick and the size of a barn…. and that he didn’t love me. He hit that one home quite nicely. and i gave him everything. I gave him my past, and the present, and if he had asked for it, my future. Not anymore though… I’m grateful for that.

I’m not as weak as I was before….

Yeah, but– those others…. wow. I felt stupid. Completely stupid sitting there as they told their stories. (You just heard mine) But it’s a problem i have… comparing. seeing who hurts the worst. I know i didn’t . I know that those girls needed to be there so much more than me.

I am broken– and no amount of talk can fix that. *shrugs* That’s just the way things are. I think I’m fine being broken. Being depressed sometimes…. feeling love, feeling pain, feeling everything. I’m fine with that. Feeling isn’t what makes me broken– the intensity is. I feel it, and i feel like i’m going to be washed away in the emotion. it’s crazy. And that’s what’s broken.


Derringer Meryl [My Favorite things] Out

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How it is.

Time to lay down the smack down, right?

I’m trying to convince myself so. I can’t bring myself to wreak havoc on another human life, no matter how insolent and insufferable their actions. I’m weak that I way, I guess. I think it’s more of a blessing, partially. *frowns* and in another way it makes me a doormat. I can’t stand others to feel pain, even if it’s because of their own actions. *sighs*

I called Gert about The Mouth today. He didn’t answer his phone, so now he has a message that i’d like to talk to him about the mouth. *mutters* What am I going to do.

And their (his and a part-timer’s) words just keep running through my mind….

Did you ever stop to think that the constant in all of your failed relationships, is you?

yes. I also knew that i was lame. I knew that no one i worked with likes me enough to spend time with me, out side of work. I have a flat personality, an unexciting life, and extremely low self-esteem. Almost every relationship i’ve been in (Romantic or not) has been abusive, in one way or another. I don’t want people to pity me for my past, i don’t need pity friendships… I have those. Those are tiresome, and i hate it. I want someone to see me for what I am, and like me anyway. I’m broken, I’m tired, I’m ragged, and GOOD GRIEF, i’m not the prettiest thing you’ll ever see, but i’m alive… and i have emotions, no matter how well hidden they are– they’re there. Inside, burning and seething and controlling me.

I don’t plan on masking how I feel every day for the next however long. I can’t quit, and I don’t want to be fired– I just want resolution. Quite honestly, I don’t know one woman who enjoys being called a “Bitch” on a frequent basis, if at all. I don’t enjoy having my low points being joked about. If i was comfortable with my low points, i’m fairly sure i still wouldn’t be comfortable about them being joked about. I’m not saying that i’m the only one who feels this way, that has crappy stuff happen to them…. but i’m the only one who can feel what i’m feeling, just like any other person.

No one deserves to be treated the way i’ve been treated, Not even the lowest of people. Not Drug Addicts, Not Whores, Not Crime Lords. Not one of them. Not even the Mouth HImself.

It’s not right. Not now, not ever.

Derringer Meryl [ticked off] Out

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3 to 7

If you asked people “How Sexy am I on a scale of 1-10?” would YOU be happy with Seven? I mean, yeah, it’s above a five, which is average, but how could you be happy with a seven? I guess it’s better than a lie, I would know people were lying if i got any higher. *shrugs* I shouldn’t care so much.

Besides, I’m the one who says “I Am SO Ugly” When i look in the mirror, or “I need to loose weight.” Either one. So I guess it’s alright. Seven is better than what i deserve.

Derringer Meryl [I’m really more of a three] Out

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300 entries, aren’t you excited?

…it was fun for what it was worth…

is that all that can be said for life? that it was fun for all that it was worth? I really don’t think so. I think that drinking and sleeping around (no offense to Mayer, who said this) is what life is all about. Sure. people do it. but i think life is all about love. Not free love, and lust and all that… Dont’ get me wrong, passion is a great thing… after all what Angel says about Passion, is more than true:

“Passion. It lies in all of us. Sleeping… …waiting… And though unwanted… …unbidden… it will stir…open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us… guides us… Passion rules us all. And we obey. What other choice do we have?
Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love… the clarity of hatred… and the ecstasy of grief.
It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we’d know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank… Without passion, we’d be truly dead.”

truly dead. How horrid. Isn’t it amazing though, how many of us walk through life, living, but not alive. I can clearly remember when I started living. When I realized, that i’d be okay without my boyfriend (now ex for three years, hallelujah!!) and that he was using me, and that i was an amazing person who deserved much better. Remembering that moment in time, makes me happy. Makes me better than happy, freakishly elated, i’d say. It was like being reborn, without all of the odd ceremony or anything. That was the first moment, i realized that i was a person, who deserved more than to be kicked around and beaten on. and that i wasn’t the prettiest thing ever, but i was worth SO much more than what he treated me. *sniffles*

How DO you measure the worth of a person? Who am I to say someone is worthless, or not? I’m not– i’m not anyone to do something like that. In my experience, people are too often treated below their worth. Especially in school… especially in society– If you aren’t pretty enough, you’re valued below those who are pretty, and if you aren’t skinny enough, then you’re valued below those who are skinny. Or with men, If you’re not detached enough, or if you help around the house too much… God. It’s horrid. I figure, I should only worry about what God thinks of me, and no one else.

And God thinks me Beautiful.

Derringer Meryl [Happy 300 entries] Out

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You can’t tell me you wouldn’t like to look like that

I’d like to add, that when I broke up with my first boyfriend, I lost like, twenty pounds. I looked awesome. I looked amazing, and i loved it. i did it so he’d want me back, and I could say no– say “I love the way I am, who I am, and I won’t give the person i am to you, because i know you’ll only bring me down– and i can’t live like that.”

I feel like i’m going in reverse. I feel odd. I stopped my medication (which by the miracle called Science, was making me skinnier, or at least stable) and then i’m getting more depressed, for various reasons, and I hate the idea that i have to go back to therapy just to get my damn medication. I have ADD, therapy won’t make it go away, won’t make it better, and i’m not going to get better… it just won’t happen. Just give me the DAMN miracle pills, so i can be pretty again. So I can be skinny again, and everything will be okay.

*sighs* My body isn’t addicted to the chemicals. I have no need to take them as far as my body is concerned– I just want to take them for emotional reasons. My brain is addicted to the way they make me look. Skinny. Pretty.

Now if i wanted to look Ideal– that’d take about 20 Million in plastic surgery, so i could look like this and not break my back or anything. *shrugs* I work with men who idolize perfect women. I just want to be like that too.

Derringer Meryl [80% chance of starring in a] Out

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