Undone

First off, it’s not quite time yet,but i thought i’d spring this out early Happy Birthday Monkey!!!! With that said, I’d like to continue on with a rather interesting issue I was discussing with myself earlier. 🙂 Not that Monkey isn’t the bestest guy friend ever. Er. I can’t say that, i have mostly guy friends. Um…. The bestest ex boyfriend ever…. were we dating? I don’t know. Sheesh… i’m stickin’ with that one though.

So you can see the image that i put on Monkey’s card that has a story behind it. that’s Chii from the anime Chobits. I love it. It’s a complex esosteric storyline that i couldn’t explain to you if i took the time, which i’m not because i really should be in bed so i can wake up early tomorrow and not die from it. 🙂 Right. Story.

Well see, Red and I, we’re Chii. we both think she’s pretty but luckily there’s two of her. A dark Chii (Red, traditionally) and a light Chii (me, of course!) Now in Chobits one isn’t evil and one good. Nope. One is simply older than the other so the older one wears darker clothes (i’m older than Red, but that really has no meaning here.) So… Yeah. This Chii pictured above looks … vulnerable. Scared (just a little), but mostly she looks incredibly sexy without being slutty (there’s a thin line)

Now, I admit. I’m not going to wake up asian. I’m not going to wake up with blonde hair. I’m not going to wake up with bigger boobs or smaller thighs and a trim waist. I realize that most of these things are rather attainable, except of course becoming asian…. though some people seem to think that I look asian anyway– Hm. But see, it’s like how sexy she is comes from within. I want that. I want to capture the innocence that seems to leak from within. It’s frustrating.

I guess my main flaw is the fact that all i do is look at other people and say to myself “I wish I could be like that” or “I wish I could look like her” I’m spending my life wishing i was someone else instead of enjoying me.

Now if i only knew who I was to enjoy… if that makes sense.

I gotta love myself — otherwise i’m going to spend my life wondering why anyone does, or doesn’t.

I wonder if there is some balance between a guy who thinks i’m beautiful and cute and entrancing, and a guy who wants to jump me. Oh, and a guy who hates my guts. I so very much wish to find him.

Derringer Meryl [Needing some balance] Out

Happy New Year! Isn’t this exciting? it’s already 2004! Amazing, i’m sure you’re just as amazed as i am. If you’re not, you’re probably reading too many cynical novels, or some such garbage. Relax. Even if life sucks, you should laugh, cause none of it is gonna matter later anyway–

Well, as was apparent from the influx of customers at the local places of Religious merchandise, it’s a new year, which means New Years Resolutions. I don’t have a ton…. but that’s because i’m trying to keep them fairly simple, so maybe i’ll actually follow them…. right?

Loose Weight Yeah, i was sorta inspired by Alanis Morrisette’s You Oughta Know, that’s what really got me to wanting to loose weight. Mostly because the song is about a bitter ex. I want to go back to every single guy who ever said no, and remind him, and make him wish he’d said yes. *smirks* I’ve done it before, I can’t wait until i’m skinny enough to do it again.

Clearer Skin – This one sorta coincides with the above resolution though, the Acne Perscription is sorta depressing me. I have to cut out every food I enjoy and like to get clear skin. I mean, yeah, I like olives, but i can’t live off of Olives alone. Or Celery, and the like. The only meat it allows you to have is fish, and i have a deep detest for fish. Don’t ask me why, I used to love fish, and most of the time the kinds of things i loved as a kid I love now, but for some reason, fish didn’t carry over. Not to mention I have to take at least thirty pages worth of vitamin supplements. …. I hate that. I hate vitamins. *growls* I’ll do it though. I might even end up eating Fish too. *frowns* I hate fish.

Religious Resolve – It’s my observation that my family is full of religious wishy-washies. Very few of them actually take a stand on their religion, and the ones who do, take the “I don’t believe in it” stance. This year, i’d like to do better on my “I do believe in it” Stance. Maybe i’ll get some new and better friends too.

Loving Myself First – Trust me, when there’s a bash Meryl line, i’m first in it. Heck I think i lead the barrages on my self esteem, though I have to admit certain male members of my family don’t help much. It’s not like i need help identifying myself as a complete dolt. *frowns* But I’d like to love every part of me…. including my flabby stomach, and thighs. *shakes her fist* we’re not best friends…. my thighs and I.

to add, i’d like to make my cat stop sleeping in my room at night since he seems to have picked up the bad habit of sleeping in there, and then waking me up at all hours of the night. That’s really no fun. Ohh, and …

Do better at my Job – I’m the queen of the store, but when all you’re doing is garbage and alphabetization, it’s not hard to be queen. And since i’m the only girl who isn’t management– it’s uber easy… But i’d like to do better so if Artemis or the Mouth quit or something, i’d be able to move up, instead of being overlooked again! It’s getting a little depressing. okay, it’s getting a LOT depressing. I am going to get a management job, if it’s the last thing I do!!

Thats all i can think of. I need to work on scheduling out my next few months — so i can figure out what nights i can work and which I can’t.

Derringer Meryl [Not so Anal Retentive] Out

Doesn’t it drive you insane when you’re trying to remember someone’s exact words and all that comes to mind is gibberish. *growls* I want to remember what Aragorn told Eowyn… when they talked before he went into the mountain.

It went a little like this:

Aragorn:”Why do you linger here?”

Eowyn: “Do you not know?”

Aragorn: *pause* “The Man you love is but a thought and a memory.”

I think that’s what he said. it’s the last part i’m worried about. Please, if you’ve just seen the film, i’d LOVE to know. *coughs* You could always Email me… and i’d be greatly beholdin’ to ya. *giggles*

i’m thinking of changing my layout again.. I’m just a fickle girl, I know. Oh, For those of you who haven’t been keeping track of the titles of my blog as of recently (the ones on the pictures) I’ll indulge you (like you care)

Affirmation, Acquiescence, Relapse

it may not seem like a lot to you, but honest. It means something.

i sorta want to explain it to those of you who don’t know me that well, but– part of me hesitates… because i don’t want to keep going on this. I’m tired. I’m tired of ragging on it. That’s what Acquiescence was about.

Passive assent or agreement without protest

it’s okay. I’m going to sink silently into the night, and not bring it up, because– i want the best for you. i want you to be happy. See? This is what i mean. Then… I relapsed.

To fall or slide back into a former state. To regress after partial recovery from illness

or addiction. Obsession. That works too. It’s bad. But I guess i’m sorta dealing with more than just… the one thing. There’s the fact that i’m not taking my medication anymore…. and the relationship that exists mostly in my mind (I guess, but i’d rather not discuss) and …. my first boyfriend. i can’t help it… but every time i look in the mirror I think of the words he’d say

You’re ugly.

you’re not worth anything

God, could you be fatter.

and it’s hard. to not believe him…. to not look at myself and see what he sees. What he saw. He doesn’t look anymore. He’s fairly successful… he has a job, makes more money than I do– he’s still a charmer– and despite the fact that they saw– they SAW what happened to me … girls still fall for it.

I pity them all.

And… I … I would have fallen back into his arms in a heart beat. He had me trained. Might still. *shrugs* i’m not around him enough to know. I can’t let my guard down around him because… if i did, for one minute– i’d be back there– in the hellish place… being hurt– being told those things again.

and the worst thing is that i’d believe him. Every word. because affection, even in it’s most sullied form, is affection. and i need it. I crave it.

i’m more than just casually addicted.

and no– my mum and dad hugged me enough as a child. and there was a lot of love in our home. I know i’m wanted here… that they love me.

but it’s never felt right. The only girl, only daughter, and the youngest, is a dangerous kind of cocktail. Two things you should never mix in a family with alcoholism and depression in it’s background. (not that i’d drink– but still, addictive tendencies) It’s like you’re asking to have a psychotic teen on your hands.

and people always say that i have to love myself before others can love me.

and I’d tell you what i think of that, but i’m trying my hardest not to swear. It’s a bad habit, highly addictive. Gives off lots of tension, with the slip of a tongue. shame on me. *looks sheepish* it’s a load of crap though. There is only one person who can love me the way i am, and sometimes, i don’t talk to him the way I should. Once again with the shame on me…

and honestly, the only people in the world who love me are the ones who don’t know me well, or have known me long enough that they simply must. It may sound like i’m depressed but….

honestly, i’ve not felt better in a long time. not since… well before. I guess I see what i as good and what is good, is different.

I think when I’m not hungry, it’s good. Like yesterday– i ate one meal, and wasn’t hungry the rest of the day. That’s good. good to me. I know it’s because of my depression that i didn’t want to eat– but my desire not to eat, made me happy…. so– my sadness pleases me.

Could I be more masochistic? But I guess, if i wasn’t so down on myself… if i didnt’ hate myself for the way i am– then every thing would be okay. I wouldn’t be so depressed, and i wouldn’t be so masochistic… (being the second and third definition, not the first.)

The deriving of pleasure, or the tendency to derive pleasure, from being humiliated or mistreated, either by another or by oneself.

A willingness or tendency to subject oneself to unpleasant or trying experiences.

That’s me. I hate myself. WHy not put myself through hell? I deserve it.

Why not re run the millions of things i could have done BETTER in a relationship through my head until it makes me ill. Until i can’t sleep… until i can’t cry anymore and the day breaks, and no one knows…. and I can’t tell them. Because they think i’m wrong. that i’m sick

and that i’m misshapen. Ugly, disgusting, foul, defective, erratic, faulty, mishandled, unsound, blasphemous, indecent, iniquitous, profane, damaged, mangled, feeble, and screwed up.

I am. I am all of those things. and I don’t know why. I don’t know why the images linger still. I don’t know why I can’t go on like everyone else.

Maybe i cling to those who show affection who had no need to. It shocks me. Intrigues me…. thrills me. i don’t know why they do it. I want to. and before i can ask– they’re gone.

in a heartbeat.

how can a bond so tight be broken so quickly?

Maybe it’s like shoe laces. You pull them too tightly, and they bust.

I feel busted.

and some of this is about one thing, and some of it is about another. and honestly, i don’t know where the line separates. it seems to be one large ball of pain inside of my brain, and i try to shove it away– try to keep smiling, but i find when i don’t notice what i’m doing, tears begin to well in my eyes. the smile that is so often permanently plastered on my face dissipates.

I’m…. hurting. From things so far in the past that i can’t even remember them clearly– from pushing them away so hard…. and from the present. the constant sting of my ever absent friends. but i keep reminding myself.

not everything is about me. everyone has problems. everyone has hurts, and everyone deals with them.

why are you having such an issue?

sometimes i’m angry with myself for saying that. I’m NOT like everyone else– i care. I care about everyone. I care about the freakish jerk who cuts me off in traffic. I care about the homeless person on the street.

and this isn’t a little care. This is overwhelming care. This is inside of my brain all of the time– constantly making me feel. as if to make up for all of those years of not caring…. for not feeling anything….

Derringer Meryl [Something’s here I’m not quite getting] Out

*dances*

I’m soo…. enthused. I dont’ know why– maybe it’s Christmas. Maybe it’s because I’m actually feeling good about being alone, again (tho, I’m still a firm believer that i’m ugly. Ten months of someone telling you that everyday, you start to believe it.) and it’s good.

Life is. ya know. I’m going to be Nineteen, and i’ve never been kissed– but i have a feeling i’d not be very good at it…

Blah– but i’m good. Stuff is good. i don’t feel all…depressed for no good reason. It’s good. I mean, sure there’s stuff I could complain about… like how i nearly hit someone on my way home from taking presents to work– but i don’t really want to. I don’t feel the need to. *sighs* And I’ve been reading romance novels (novelettes, fictions) and i’m okay. I don’t care that i don’t go to sleep with someone holding me.

Cause all that seems to bring is drama. Nothing works out as simple as it does in the movies. Heck…. Because if we watched a movie that was life like– it’d never end. And you’d be depressed. and no one would want to see it.

We want to see fake movies, that are up lifting and cheezy. Those movies are good, and make you feel good about life… Tho, if we sold a depressing movie with a suicide booth right out side of it…. we might make a … killing. Heh. What a horrid pun.

Anyway, I’m off to make a killing selling adult video games to children. It’s fun to see their parents come back after christmas, pissed off, and powerless. Heh heh heh.

Feeling a bit evil?

Derringer Meryl [Yes, Yes I am] Out

There are days, where you feel your lowest. To strictly contrast that, you have days where you feel your highest…. Most people don’t have those in the same day.

I do.

You can call it what you want. Bi Polar, Depression, Chemical Imbalance…. whatever you want…. i call it life. I don’t think it’s right to just muddle through, but I’ve been down the paths that the world seems to scream as useful and at one point in my life, i swore by them– but now, things have changed. *frowns* I’m not sad and depressed because of a chemical problem– i’m sad and depressed because of who I am.

I can’t get a good guy. Now before I piss off those of you whom i’ve dated before, let me continue. I can’t get a good guy TO STAY. and it keeps repeating in my mind, i’m not good enough… and that all of my relationship problems come from me. ME. I do it. I break things, and i make them bad. I do it. ME ME ME! Don’t try and tell me that’s not true. I don’t want words. I dont’ need your words. I miss a simpler time when i didn’t feel.

and I miss it. I miss being dead inside. I miss not living. I miss not caring about people…. and I miss not loving. I wish i could wish it away.

I wish I could not hear people. I wish their words didn’t sting and ring so true in my ears. and i wish that i could see what makes me so completely undesirable to the male sex.

Every guy says he wants a girl like me, interested in the things they’re interested in, but– they never…. I’m too much like a sister or a best friend…

Or there isn’t any attraction there anyway.

Say the truth. Say what burns. Say what you mean… Tell me i’m ugly tell me that i’m the fattest thing you’ve ever seen– i just want to know.

It’s insane.

i feel like my brain is fallin out of my ears and i’m not sure why I feel like sobbing– but I know i’m scary. I must be. Why would everyone run so? Am I that appallingly boring in personality that no one desires to speak to me?

Derringer Meryl [the answer is yes] Out