Undone

[Songs Stuck in my head: Brick, Ben Folds Five; Brandy, Looking Glass]

It’s amazing how far you can come in a year. A year ago, I was fighting with Red, in a shaky pretty much one sided relationship (with who I still believe to be a great guy, just not for me.) I recap the depression i went through with that, and I realize that the only people who kept me moving, I haven’t had the chance to talk to in a while.

I do miss them. I miss Marco and Monkey, Guts, Mouth, Artemis, and despite my loathing of him, I miss Gert too.

For the longest time they were all i had. I dont’ understand why I care so deeply about these people, and so few of them care that deeply back for me. I consider Marco more than a friend, he’s a brother. That’s that. Monkey is possibly the best straight guy friend out there. Sure, I could talk to a girl about my boy problems (when I still had them, or had more of them) but why? I could talk to a perfectly sensible man about them, and he understands me very well. The Mouth and Guts are simply the funnest people ever. I think I wasted a lot of good opportunities to hang out with Guts. I wish I had. I miss them SO much.

*sighs* I think I miss how I could just pick up the phone and talk to them. Now it’s long distance on a phone that isn’t really mine, so I don’t want to run up the bill. I miss Friendjamin, who I don’t have any way of contacting.

I miss Red. We didn’t get to hang out much after she went off to college, and I think we both changed a lot too… I don’t know.

But I look back, as it is good to occasionally, and I don’t have many regrets. I regret Dating before i was 16. That was just a mistake. I regret spending so much time with J. He was so destructive to my self esteem, and Scott’s still working on repairing it. I regret letting my therapist manage my medication. She was wicked with boosting me to unknown heights. I mean she was good. Made me better, just by talking. THe meds were driving me insane….

literally.

Lets see. after recovering from my break up with Monkey, I was lonely. So I got what could be best described as a desposible boyfriend. I regret that in a way. I think it was a growing experience. I think it had it’s value as a relationship. It’ll help me when my daughter has to learn how to break up with someone. I’ll at least know how to do it sometimes… heh.

That boy would have married me if I hadn’t told him that I wasn’t interested. I was lonely. Makes me feel bad. in a way anyway…. Better than leading him on for years. RIght? It was sad. I have to admit i dated him only beacause I was lonely.

Very lonely.

Not so now!

I love that. I love the fact that as i’m writing this, I have a husband, and he’s at work, and he’ll be at home in four hours, and he loves me.

Do you know how insane that is?

That he loves me? I’m freaking boggled at the thought.

Derringer Meryl [Everywhere and No where] Out

Warning: If you are a sibling of mine, or otherwise weak of stomach please stay away from the stupidity of this entry. As a disclaimer though, if you enjoy laughing at the innocent-ness of me, please, continue

With that out of the way– I can say this….

I don’t know how to kiss. *blinks* To be honest before Scott I kissed one guy, once. And it sucked. Bunches. We were in the middle of playing a video game, and he just randomly kissed me. *raises her hand to the square* I swear to you this. I figure since I didn’t feel anything (nada, I could have been kissing my grandma for all I felt romantically) I stuck it off as a stolen kiss, and not really my first kiss. In anycase.

People at work laugh at me a lot (Mouth and Artemis) because of my innocence. Yes, it is ridiculous that I didn’t get kissed before i turned 19. (I’m more than a little thankful, actually) I’m sure Scott would say it just makes me cuter, and maybe it does.

All I know, is that I suck. All I’ve learned about kissing I learned on Buffy sixth season and everyone who has played enough Chaos Bleeds knows that Stage kissing is not at ALL like real kissing. It’s all about where your head is, and if you’re in their light, and according to James Marsters, it’s often like kissing your sibling. Definately not what i’m striving for. Nope. Nuh-uh.

So I’m sitting here, I have a cut on my lip, I’m sorta wondering where it came from. I certainly didn’t put it there.

And the thought occurs to me– that I want to remember most everything about tonight forever. I want to remember the silly argument that Scott and I had (it wasn’t really an argument, it was a “You’re cuter”, “no, you’re cuter” kind of thing.) and I want to remember all the wonderful advice he gave me about Red, and how to sort things out. Even now i can feel my brain leaking vital information about tonight into the oblivion of nothingness. I’m a stickler for details. I want to experience a lot, and remember a lot. I want to be able to tell my kids when they’re little about the time I actually beat their dad at magic. All the little jokes he makes.

I wish I could remember it all.

Derringer Meryl [Frustrated with Memories] Out

First day of full time college. Weird. Can i say that? Of course I can, I just felt like asking…. for no reason. I didn’t run into Monkey, which I find slightly a good thing. I didn’t need any help making this day stressful…. (I’m going to add in here that Monkey is a great guy… I just… It’s a me thing when it comes to stress… not him.)

Mom wants me to join the on campus Anime club, which i’m totally for, Ya know… cause it’s anime, and i’m with a bunch of people who are as geeky about Anime as me. (I’m the uber geek, otherwise known as an Otaku. I own a LoTR Barbie, I think I fall into the Otaku catagory. I take Standee’s home from work and dissect them. I want to get a subscription to Newtype Magazine. I’m taking psychology just for fun. I write fanfiction. I make collages. I own five seasons of Buffy and One of Angel. I own two complete anime series, and portions of several others. I convinced my mom to buy a magnetic poetry calander….. I have a toy collection that rivals my siblings’. I have a larger doll collection than most girls my age (I have one for every year i’ve been alive, and then some). I cosplay (Inu Yasha, Steve, and various other anime characters, oh, and Buffy)

Which makes me think of the time I cosplayed as Buffy. I was depressed…. uberly so. I don’t remember why. Maybe it was because every guy who is interested in me… *sighs* doesn’t REALLY know me. Who knows. But– to make me feel better, Red dressed me up pretty (like Buffy) and did my hair (like Buffy’s, only in my shade of brownish red) I had a sleeveless turtleneck on, and skirt, which I love to this day even though it’s at Red’s house, which was horrifically short. If it hadn’t been for the fact that Red told me every five seconds that I looked pretty, I would have ran away, and put on long pants. But when we got there, my friends (guy friend specifically) helped me feel better too. They complimented me on my outfit, and while i still felt uneasy, all it took was a glimpse of my ex to solidify any sort of emotion i had. I became confident and happy. Anything to look like i didn’t need him. *nods*

I was giddy. I still am at the thought. that was positively the most empowering outfit ever. Marco and Staples liked the outfit too. which is good…. always good. *smiles at the memory* one of the best nights of my high school life.

Derringer Meryl [dressing for the occasion] Out

I’m feelin’ a little down. I had a friend of mine over yesterday, and we hung out, and stuff, it was fun–

one of the things we did was reminisce– about Graduation Night. She was one of my special presents– she came over for My Graduation, special. She watched me graduate from way high up some place– and then we went out to rent a movie… with monkey.

I guess that’s where the pangs begin. That’s where the “I should have” feeling starts, and it just keeps going. I shouldn’t have been such a dumbass….. i should have been nicer, i should have let go faster, i should have …. been better, done better, smiled more, kept my insides to myself….

*whispers* i should have been better about Red liking him.

I still have issues about that. But I really need to let go. Monkey wasn’t mine, isn’t mine, won’t ever be mine. I should just push him out of my mind– but still I cling to the memories i have– maybe it’s because he’s the first guy to actually treat me decent. to be kind to me, and do things for me, without expecting some kind of action out of me later on that night. And maybe i screwed up so much because– because his honest kindness towards me confused me. Boys aren’t supposed to be nice — they’re supposed to be jackasses, so i can move on faster, so i can stop loving them, and feel okay. And maybe i could let go of him– if i was able to hate him for something. But i’m not. Sure, things that have happened hurt, but — i don’t blame him. I blame myself. I’m not what he wants, that’s not his deal, it’s not even a deal, it’s just a fact. So I can’t hate him for it… can’t hate him for not being attracted to me that way. It’s just a thing. A fact.

I let go of J-Bob so much faster, maybe it’s because i knew i never had a chance with J-Bob. I knew it wouldn’t work out. We were so different…. are so different– but i feel light headed still when i talk to him. *shakes her head*

I’m still in the high school frame of mind. Thinking that ‘liking’ a guy is enough to make a lasting relationship on. Not common interests, or anything like that.

Which reminds me, my friend Lynn (who was the friend i was reminiscing with) has common interests with Gert. Maybe I’ll see what i can do with that….

And I bet you’re wonderign why i’m setting up my friends with guys I like. Well. I’ve come to the decision, no one would be happy with me anyway, so i’ll pair friends with friends, and see what happens…. I”m no Miss Match, but whatever. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [Got Gadittude?] Out

Wedding Bells? Is that what I can hear?

Yeah, it is. My friend Hikergirl, is getting married this month. I’m excited for her, just because she’s so happy. I can’t help but wishing her the best, and I’m going to get her a present from me… just me, not my parents too. *smiles*

See– the year my brother and sister-in-law got married, i had a real rough time with them getting married– I wrote about it in here, I just can’t remember where i did, for the life of me. … anyway. It was way hard for me. and for some reason, I told her– I told her, this friend of mine. In fact I told everyone in my ward that i tried to kill myself. I don’t know why I did, and i still don’t– but i was walking back to the car to go back down the canyon (i wasn’t camping with the rest of them.) and she hugged me so tight– so tight… that i knew she cared. I knew it meant something to her– me living. We were never close– not like Red and I are, or anything, but we always had something– we’d talk and what not– and i wish her the best in her new life. The very best. If there’s anyone in this world who deserves it, it’s her. I never told her how much it meant to me– that hug– but you bet i will.

Life is made up of little moments– like that one — that make it worth living.

Derringer Meryl [If i could do anything] Out