Undone

This is the song of the moment. I love this song. It’s slightly upbeat. I feel like it applies here– I’m not sure who between Red and I is the singer. Who is the object (the girl) maybe it’s a duet between us? I don’t know. I think we’re on the same page as far as this. I’m just really not sure of much right now. I’m really not sure of much. (except the previous entry) Let Me Go, Cake

When she walks
She swings her arms, instead of her hips
When she talks she moves her mouth, instead of her lips
I’ve waited for her for so long
I’ve waited for her for so long
I’ve wondered if I could hang on
I’ve wondered if I could hang on

“Let me go,” she said
“Let me go,” she said
“Let me go,” she said
Let me go, let me go

Derringer Meryl [Cake sounds good] Out

I really need to get a new layout. New picture, less green this time. 🙂 *nods*

I’ve been thinking a lot. The Mouth gave me a few things to think about yesterday (I couldn’t call Scott at work when I felt all icky, so I annoyed my co-workers instead…) about how Maybe Red could have been in my line if things had worked out differently. I’m not sure. Did I have plans to involve Red in my wedding? yes. I did. Am I certain i want her there now? Not really.

Oh by the way, see where it says Norahl on my side bar over there? Click there to read what she said.

See the thing is, Amy and I … well …. we don’t have the most healthy of relationships. I USED to depend on her for her approval in things. She literally picked out my clothes before dates (I asked for help, I felt like I needed it.) I made her read all of my writings… I desperately needed her in my life to say “You’re doing great, keep going.” And I guess with her gone, i’ve learned to live with out it. Learned that I can pick out clothes that are cute and modest. Realized that my writing doesn’t need her seal of approval. I don’t think what we had was a friendship as an apprenticeship. That’s what it felt like. Sure, we did friend stuff. We hung out, we went shopping– but for me every minute I was looking for her approval.

I guess I don’t need it so much anymore. Maybe that’s another reason why I don’t want her to meet Scott. Or she didn’t meet Scott. I don’t know how my brain works. I can’t make excuses for myself. it’s the lazy way out.

Our relationship was abusive, on both our parts. We know it. We’ve had that discussion before. I guilt her into things, she guilts me into things. We’re both very guilt prone people. We use it, we abuse it. It’s bad.

I don’t think there’s much of a point to this entry– except to say, I don’t think I’ve ever hated or discounted (consciously said she was less than me) Red as a person. I could never hate her. NEVER. I couldn’t throw her out like yesterday’s news. Nope. I do love her as my friend.

I just don’t like the person I become when I’m with her. Some how unconsciously I degrade myself when I’m with her. I’m rude (very very very rude) and I disrespect my parents. I don’t listen to anyone when I’m with her, but her. I put her into the place of power.

I don’t blame Red for this. It’s really REALLY not her fault. It’s mine. It’s some sort of psychological mishap in my brain. In a way, I make her a victim of my victim syndrome.

Whatever.

Derringer Meryl [Trying to Sort things] Out

I think this has been building up in me for the last twelve days. This entry is mostly for Red, but you can read it if you want. I’m certainly not going to stop you.

Last summer, I was hurt very badly. We were on the slow boat to repairing that when you went to college. College is hard on ANY type of relationship. This you know. This we both understand. I was still really hurt from that. I’m not now– I understand why it happened. You were vaguely apologetic. You bought me things to prove our friendship. I regret a lot about graduation night. I regret ever thinking I could trust you with something so important as the very beginnings of a fragile relationship with Monkey. I hurt. I hurt a lot. I don’t so much anymore. The only thing that hurts is that you never seemed really apologetic about going after him, only that you told me.

Next. I couldn’t tell you I had a boyfriend. You were never here. Never called, never wrote, never were online. I understood that you were busy, I didn’t want to interrupt. You have very important things to do with your life. I understand that. You were going places and doing things, and honestly, things I couldn’t really relate to. Maybe I should call to your recollection the fact that you didn’t contact me at all last week when you were in town. Maybe I should bring it to your attention that I don’t trust you with Scott. I’m sorry for it, but I don’t. I wish I could, but we’re still in some sort of limbo place that we don’t seem to be moving from. You didn’t call me at Christmas either. You even stood me up at Christmas. You didn’t call me on my birthday.

I may be at blame for some of this. Sure, It’s my fault too. I didn’t call you. I admit that. That’s me. I own that. But you are just as guilty of the same offense. As for my Maid of honor. I have known Care Bear a LOT longer than you. She’s stood with me through everything. Even liking the same boy….

I love you Red. You’re one of my best friends… you should know that.

Derringer Meryl [Owning this] Out

Work is slowly becoming more of a task each day. I used to LOVE going to work, and now, now i dread going because all anyone can focus on is how quickly I”m getting married and how little I know Scott. Monkey says he’s quiet. (I beg to differ, we talk alot, it’s just not around him.) One of Guts’ friends says I should wait a year. I told him to stuff it. The mouth played a quick game of “Call everyone who Meryl knows in the company and tell them she’s getting married” and …. i was just… tired.

it was like the whole night just drained me. Monkey came in and I practically screamed at him. Or at least It felt that way to me. I asked him if was going to join in on the game of “Rag on Meryl’s idea to get married.”

I am so drained every day when I work. I envy Scott. His workers are so happy for us. I wish mine were too. Guts is, and so is Gert. J-bob and Marco… Blah.

Derringer Meryl [Time To Eat] Out

Scott was pretty tired, and didn’t get to write an entry into his journal. That just means I get to first. 😀 Ha ha ha!

We went to The Pie last night for Artemis’ birthday party. We got there first, because we’re apparently more prompt than the very people who were hosting the party. *shrugs* it’s not uncommon. Anyway. Everyone got there in a lump sum, pretty much. Artemis with Dateless (I really should change his name…) Guts, Monkey, and a few other people from work that don’t have nicknames on here, because they work at other stores. anyway. They stood in line and ordered while all of us sat and chatted. The first eventful thing of the night was Monkey screaming “YOUR FIANCE IS WIRED!” and like five tables turning to look at us. I’m sure they all needed to worry, since half of them looked like frat boys out with the local sorority. *rolls her eyes* After Monkey got done screaming, we both explained (to either end of the table) that Scott has Diabetes, and it was his insulin pump. I’m sure if Monkey had been paying attention, he would have been embarrassed. Monkey and Guts both ate wax on a dare (from me, heh heh) I gave Artemis the gift of Pocky. (happies!) I met a few new people, but I couldn’t tell you their name if you asked. it was around ten when Gert got there, and I introduced Scott. We can both attest to the hilarity of his look when I said “This is my fiance, Scott.” I seriously wish I had taped it, so I could play it back for you. It was great. *nods* He said congratulations to us, which I was really appreciative of. I told him thank you, and that no one else was really very fond of the idea. (Which If you read the previous entry, I don’t really care about. THP)

Guts came and sat by us for a second, and I asked him to punch Monkey in the side, which he did for me because I’m like his little sister, and he just loves me that much, i know. 😀 I’d never abuse my powers. We went back to my house to watch the end of School of Rock, and talk to my sibs. Scott got to meet Wudan and Sukie (as their nicknames online are) for the first time. Basically we hung out. I have to say, it was a VERY fun night, with the smiling and the cuddling and the hand holding. 🙂

I just need to get a few things done, and I can stay at Mandarin’s house tonight… I hope. 😉 BTW, any one can comment, you don’t have to sign up for anything or sell your soul or anything…. I just like to hear your feed back, k? Not a big deal. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [Need to Get Ready] Out