Undone

still no dress,

hating the lateness of the evening

late nights are my enemy with depression. I wallow. I’m trying to stay better. to feel better.

this year (pardon my french) is shit. I hate it. I hate how I’m falling apart all the time. I hate how lonely I feel. I hate how it’s all my fault. it’s hard to be up when you feel so down. I haven’t given up yet. Have a long to do list. after discussing things, I am calling my therapist, and working things out… I don’t think I’ll go back as often. I do still need help.

I wish i could just magically feel better. I wish I could just let go of all the things about myself I hate. I wish i could truely see what others thought of me.

I wish i could be free of the prison I’ve placed myself in. I wish i could reach out to someone. I’m too scared of what they’d think of me.

here i am. trapped inside my own head, with too much to do, and too little time.

derringer meryl [trapped] out

So we have been, over the past year, trying to potty train Kate. There hasn’t been a great opportunity because Audrey was still pretty little and was clingy. Overall, I was just at work and busy feeding Audrey and just generally tired. Well, the time has come (the walrus said) to potty train Kate. She had, up to this point, been spotty about going potty (I rhymed) she would, on occasion sit on it and potty. Finally Kate and I went out and got a BUNCH of undies. I let her pick out most of them. Pretty much pull ups weren’t cutting it. We started thursday and something just clicked. she’s doing AMAZING at staying dry at night (which is awesome IMO!!) and has only had 2-3 accidents, mostly relating to poop. Which I’m fine with. It takes time. I mean, it’s not FUN, but its’ great what she’s achieving.

Other things about Kate, we got her a chapter book today for the first time. We’re reading Matilda, by Roald Dahl. It’s one of Scott’s favorites (Roald Dahl is a great author for kids) I’ve never read any Roald Dahl Before, so it’s fun to read with her. Also it’s immensely entertaining so far.

Kate has also fallen in love with Futurama. It all started when Scott and I were trying to watch some of the new episodes, and Scott mentioned to Katie that it’s from the creator of the Simpsons. Ever since then, Fry and Leela have become staples at our house. Thanks to Netflix, we have all the episodes. we have been enjoying a lot of media lately, thanks to netflix.

Bed time though, oh my, has become a battle of “i so scared” Which frankly is  hooey. I know it is, because she just has been using it to stall bedtime as well as using “I can’t sleep” which is also hooey. very frustrating. I’m sure I’m just getting back what I gave… 😛 Oh well!! Maybe that’s why I have two girls, to give back all the drama I created HAHA.

My therapy has been going well. We are really trying to get to the root of my issues. Which is great. Previous therapists have given me what I like to think of as “mental bandaids” and this therapist really seems to want to know why I work the way I do, which seems to be important to fixing the fundamental problem. IE: are we fixing the root of the issue or just the surface? So i’m happy and excited about that. We have been discussing in depth that I need to value and prize myself enough to do the things it takes to be happy. To take care of myself. Which is a challenge for me. Somewhere in my brain I have it ingrained that to be a stellar mom, and wife, that I need to take a perma-backseat to everyone else. Which may, for some people, work well. BUT I have, with the people in my life, re-enforced a standard that I am not important and don’t need to be taken care of. Which is BS. Doesn’t everyone need someone to look out for them? I do, that’s for damn sure. I appreciate the people who see the weakness in me, and strive for me to draw it out. It’s hard to be the person to force someone to look at themselves, very carefully– but I appreciate the people who do!

Derringer Meryl [I do what I want!] Out

I don’t enjoy being depressed. If I miss a day of my medication, i feel very off kilter, and like I have lost my grip on reality. I imagine, at least a little bit that this is how people in the movie inception feel. I suppose though, that Inception in its self is a completely other blog post.

Sorry if this all sounds kind of melancholy. As I mentioned I missed ONE dose of my meds this weekend, and I am fighting the sensation of being shoved under water. It’s quite un-fun actually.  I had a good weekend, spent some time with Carebear and her Mom and Katie had tons of fun with her little girl. They (all three, Audrey included) have a great time together. It was much better than being at home. I find when I am unoccupied the bad negative thoughts have a chance to sneak in and plant themselves in my brain. it’s Been hard to keep occupied, but luckily I have been watching a lot of netflix, which has Xena on it. Which I have to say is MUCH more campy than I remember it. haha. Now. If I could find the way to connect Xena and Buffy (or more directly Joss Whedon) My cult fan girly ness would be satiated. I like things to be related, and link together neatly. IE:  I like Buffy, who was created by Joss Whedon, who also created firefly and Dr. Horrible. Dr. Horrible starred Felicia Day and NPH. Felicia day is in the Guild (and writes it too) and NPH is in HIMYM, that Allyson Hannigan is also in, she was in Buffy. Joss Whedon also has worked on Glee, (along with NPH) The office, Oh and he’s worked with Nathan Fillion (dreamy) who is on Castle.  Felicia Day has been on House (another fav) and on Lie to Me (classic!) Spreading the joy of things that link together further. *sigh* Oh and Let’s not even get into Wil Wheaton. His joy makes me all gooey. Not literally. That would be bad.

I am pretty burned out on Twilight. If I had the time/energy to find a nice new background, you bet your bippy I’d be changing it. But I can’t think of anything. I would like something classic and dark. Simply because if it’s dark I don’t have to change too much on the layout. Also I find dark colors to be more sleek and clean looking. Simplistic.

I wish i could still write. i wish the poetry and pain could just flow out of me.  Like lancing a cyst. Just watch it all drain away.  I wish the things I said weren’t trite and stupid. I wish people believed me.  Since no one does, I don’t even believe myself anymore. Do you know what kind of insanity that causes? To think your ownself a liar? Your own psyche divided against its self.  It’s painful. Eventually you just become numb. Why should it be any different? There is no more honesty. No definition of what is real and what isn’t.  It’s all just a game. living inside your head. No real enemy, no real friend. Just shadow puppets, long and lean against the wall. No one to trust or believe.  Everything is wrong, everything is right. Every step is on granite and quick sand.  No way of knowing at what point you’ll sink.  Every person you see a traitor and ally. Deep abiding paranoia and trust residing side by side in your heart. You know that every person loves you, and is going to betray you.

Maybe I have the best grip on reality of all.

Derringer Meryl [being insane is clarity] Out

I am going for an interview tomorrow. I am trying not to say anything on facebook, because well, I don’t want to cause a stir with my employer who spies on my facebook account. If the man is reading my blog well… 😛 none ya bidness MAN!

Anyway.

I’m pretty excited about it. An interview, is just an interview, but it makes me feel marketable. I hope something positive comes of it.

We went tonight to roast marshmellows and hot dogs. Delicious. Katie loved the river, and slipped in a little bit. but she didn’t get too wet. I also got off work early to go to my doctor’s appointment. It was miserable. I took the two kids, and the doctor was running an hour behind. UGH! You know what is miserable, two kids who are super grumpy and need naps trapped in a small room with a few books and one toy that the older one won’t share. That is what I call hell. Anyway. i told the doctor about my dreams that seem to just be false memories, that I swear up and down that they have happened. he asked if they were hallucinations, and I said no. He seemed nonplussed. I am much more concerned for my sanity. I don’t think all mentally unhealthy people are as easy to detect as a paranoid schizophrenic. But still. I think maybe I’ll go to psychiatrist, for all of my mental health needs. I am finding that i’m having a hard time trusting people. My paranoia is increasing. I feel tense and anxious when it’s unnatural. I told the doctor today that I shouldn’t take wellbutrin, I remember I got taken off of it really fast as a teen, but I couldn’t remember why. He still seemed insistent. There is nothing I dislike more than a doctor who is unwilling to listen to my needs. DO NOT LIKE. Anyway. Off to look for Psychiatrists in the area.
Derringer Meryl [what what!] Out

I hate dreaming. especially on the medication I’m on. it’s like being awake and asleep blur together, and I’m not sure what has happened. Last night I dreamed I decided to up and leave and go to boston, and my entire family (meaning my parents and brothers and sisters in law) were in favor of this. I remember that I thought it was too cold in Utah, and I apparently thought that Boston was going to be some sort of tropical island. It was bizzare. There were some under currents to the dream that made it increasingly more disturbing, but I choose not to revisit those.

Mom has suggested that I apply for a blogging job. I’m not sure If I’m coherent enough for that, but I figure I should try for it anyway. It’s for a “getting out of debt” blog. I’m not as deep into debt as the average american, but I think I may have an angle that works. Also I’m younger than they’d like, so i’m already fighting on that. Anyway. It’s something I’d like to do. Write for a living. Or I guess, write for money you know? They say writing is like being a prostitute… first you do it for fun, then you do it for those you love, and then you end up doing it for money. HAHA, clever.

As I mentioned I was reading through my writings from college. I find myself just staring at them a little. I want to write more. I find myself struggling with expressing the images in my head. They are beautiful, and breath taking. Vivid and enthralling. Sometimes, they are just scary. Mostly… mostly just beautiful. Sometimes i read what I write and I try to remember what I was feeling, but can’t. 🙁 It’s sad for me. I want to recapture things like that… I was very depressed in high school, but I had passion. I felt like the sun was on the horizon, that the darkest hour was right before dawn.

Now I feel like I’ve shut myself in the closet and shut out the light. On many, very real levels, I hate myself. I do not think I deserve things. I don’t deserve to be happy. I am a thing to make people happy. I literally do not consider myself to be human. I dont’ know why… I don’t know why I’m like this. But it’s damaging. It’s a horrible way to live, it’s a horrible way to think. I feel like by not saying it for so long I’ve allowed myself to really believe it. Why i’ve deprived myself of so much. I have been thinking myself a healthy person when I’m not. No worries my friends and family. I am currently on medication, that clearly (unfortunately) is not working well, but monday I”ll discuss it with the doctor, and we’ll try again. I do not believe that depression is something to be ashamed of. I am always saddened when I find out someone has been silently struggling. I want to help people, I want people to see me and know I’ve been there too. Feeling like there is NO reason to be sad, but still hopelessly sinking into a dark hole. Wishing you were dead, just so you wouldn’t have to feel like this anymore. I have been (and I am) Suffering from a Major Depressive Episode. It is HARD for me to be out there, but the fact is, i don’t have anyone to pull me out like I did in High School. As much as my husband loves me (and he does) he cannot spend every minute of the day plotting on how to cheer me up. I know my mom worked really hard when I was in high school, trying to keep me on an even kilter. It was rough on her. I’m sure of it. I had good friends that helped her too. I feel sad that I’ve regressed so much to that girl.  In some ways, I am worse. Luckily for me, I haven’t thrown up from the stress, which I did in High school a couple of times. I miss the luxury of being a teenager. When you could just shut the world out. Go home and stay in your room and cry if you wanted to. Funny thing, you can’t do that when you’re an adult. You cant’ just say “Sorry I’m not coming to work today, or for the next week. I’m going to sit in my bed and eat food until I feel better, or until my skin becomes part of my sheets. Don’t dare me, I’ll do it.” Or for that matter, stay in bed because you feel so catatonic that the idea of talking to anyone at all seems impossible.

New to this bout of depression is Paranoia. (Funny Enough, Flag Pole Sitta is playing in the background right now) I’ve been… attentive before to protecting myself. But I have paranoid delusions. That people are talking about me. That people want to kill me, even people I should trust. Scott would say I’m being over dramatic. I am not. I fear it. It consumes my thoughts. i think about it a lot more than I would consider natural.

Anyway, going to go to bed. I have a nice weekend laid out for me… whoo!

Derringer Meryl [nice relaxing weekend] Out