Dec
30
2003
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a whisper of brilliance

Sometimes normal people say the most brilliant things. Sometimes normal people take characters and make THEM say the most brilliant things.

Sometimes the most brilliant people, are normal.

The monk shook his head, unable to look at her. “I told you to forget about it, Kagome-sama,” he said quietly. “And so it is not open for discussion.”

She felt her heart constrict in her chest. “No,” she told him. “I can’t. You can’t just tell me to stop.”

and isn’t that what i’ve been trying to say since June?

You just can’t tell me to stop.

Hardly anything works that way.

Derringer Meryl [Short Sweet, Thoughtful] Out

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Dec
07
2003
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A mix allows for a happy medium

*urk* Welcome to Finals Week. It’s not finals everywhere, some places may have finished finals, and others, well– may have not taken them yet (i know BYU hasn’t yet…) All i know is that mine is tomorrow, and i couldn’t be more nervous. I’m trying to remember a few key equations, and i”m just dying to have this over with. *sighs*

I can’t wait for something So much better to come along. I hate math, i dont’ know why i took the bloody class, but i can say that i’m glad that it’s done. Today though, i’m going to relax a little. First off, I’m not feeling too well, and i’m going to do something that’s rare for my blog, i’m going to not only lyric spew, but i’m going to break it down. Word yo….. Just as soon as i figure out what i’m lyric spew on.

I Love you, Sarah McLachlan

I have a smile

stretched from ear to ear

to see you walking down the road

we meet at the lights

I stare for a while

the world around disappears

And what could be more heart wrenching than feeling like this, and knowing that it can never be willingly returned. Why does life have to be like that?

just you and me

on this island of hope

a breath between us could be miles

let me surround you

my sea to your shore

let me be the calm you seek

I could be. I could be the calm you seek. I could be so close to someone… that it seems insane. I’ve been that close to someone before. It’s amazing the heartwrenching pain that courses through your body when they leave…. not just for a little while, but for good. The way you’re so sure that they mean the things they’ve said, but the knife that was so tactically plunged into your stomach is twisted and explores the inner caverns of your body when you see them…. so openly betraying you.

oh and every time I’m close to you

there’s too much I can’t say

and you just walk away

and I forgot

to tell you

I love you

and the night’s

too long

and cold here

without you

I’ve expressed this before. I’ve expressed how you want to say things to someone…. you want to embrace them and tell them they’re the world…. and you just… can’t. Someone once said it’s rarely a case of can’t and almost surely a case of won’t. But mostly, i’ve concentrated on how lonely the night is without the warmth of another…. you. Without You. (I’m not sure who you is yet… but i hope to find him someday….) But people seem so far away, trapped in their own little shells, afraid to feel emotions… afraid… because they know life isn’t a fairy tale…. and they’re afraid of how life will be if it doesn’t end like Cinderella’s….

I grieve in my condition

for I cannot find the strength to say I need you so

oh and every time I’m close to you

there’s too much I can’t say

and you just walk away

People do that. They just leave. And you have so many words buzzing in your brain that you want to say… so many things that would all sound so beautiful if you could just say them at the right time, and the right way …. knowing that the other person loved you simply and kindly as much as you…. and it makes me wince a little knowing that the words wouldn’t be accepted…. by so many. I don’t knowhow i do it. How i keep living after being rejected so often. *laughs* But here I am…. alive and a little worse for wear….. still helplessly falling in love. How sad.

and I forgot

to tell you

I love you

and the night’s

too long

and cold here

without you

And I forgot…. no… i didn’t forget. I never meant to tell you. I knew what you thought of me, from the beginning. I let myself be deluded by my dreams of fairytale grandeur…. You couldn’t accept even the simplest of affections. And that being the way it is…. and me knowing that you and i aren’t… we …. dont’ match up– then why is the night so cold knowing that you’re no where near me?

Derringer Meryl [A little Truth, a Little Fiction] Out

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Nov
25
2003
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IF I could start again, a million miles away

Nothing better than being wrenched awake by the screams of a four year old for his Grandma. Oh Yes, It’s been a pleasant morning.

My hands are better, thanks to my mom and her meddling ways, I guess I shouldn’t say that, it doesn’t sound like i’m really thankful. Shame on me… and two days before thanksgiving… *sighs*

I worked with Artemis last night. Sh’e just so funny. Dateless called her and he’s apparently sick. Poor guy. *frowns* i’m still the uneasy queen, and despite the fact that Monkey once again left his sunglasses at work, they’re still at work. I’m better about my clepto ways…. LOL, I’m not really a clepto, i just like to tease Monkey.

It’s a little crazy. I’m still bad– and the things i’ve done are bad– and i don’t know how to … i don’t know where the stopping is. I guess i don’t have the will to, for oneof my evil ways. THe guilt is going to eat me….. and well– someday i’ll be eaten from the inside out, and the minions of the devil will drag me speedily down to hell.

Derringer Meryl [Bad Bad Bad] Out

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Nov
08
2003
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Hormones aren’t BAD, letting them contol you IS!

Oh. MY HECK!

Okay, it’s not really that. I’m just really really having an excellent day. Uber great. Honest. The Mouth was nice, Gert was charming, and even Monkey got in on the making me happy action….

That could be misconstrued, but i didn’t mean it THAT way. *sighs* Nope. Sure, there was poking fun (where we play a game of poking tag, that’s pretty much it.) and he attempted to do… *coughs oddly* Um– Stuff to my spine… I resisted. *bats away the bad Monkey thoughts* No more! We’re just friends! *Leers at her brain* No more bad thoughts, *mutters something about monkey* Got it brain? Good.

I haven’t been feeling swell. Got Morning sickness (in the strictest sense that i’m sick in the morning, DUH! I’m not some slut girl, okay? Sheesh) I get all on nerves when i’m around Gert, and giggle like a freakish mad-woman. I guess i can’t help how cute he is, and how he acts– :) Right??

*brain does things* Stop IT! I said no more of that, OKAY? Sheesh. Just when you think you have a hold of your brain, you don’t — at all. Meh, Who am I kidding. I have no control over my brain at all. *nods* It’s quite… frustrating.

I got a new addition to my name tag at work (it was feeling lonely at the absence of Monkey’s ring (friendship ring, thanks….)) It’s a little sign that says “Hot” and then beneath that it says “Really Hot Chick, Alright, Giggidy Giggidy!” It’s pretty awesome, and I got it from the Mouth, to add to the shock value, right? I put a similar sticker on Monkey (like actually ON him, his shirt to be exact.)

Ya know, before, like a few months ago, i would have been thinking “Where does this put us? What is going on between us? Does he like me? Does he want to be my boyfriend??” and honestly, that kind of stuff begins to wear and tear at your mind– so now I don’t think about that. Or anything. I go for the funny. it’s funny to poke Monkey and the Mouth. It’s just fun to hear them make noises, or react… :) I like it.

I’m still scared as of yet to poke Gert. I’m a chicken, I’m scared, so there.

Oi– But Gert and Monkey wear the same cologne… and it drives me insane.

Derringer Meryl [Giggidy Giggidy!] Out

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Nov
02
2003
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How is my brain supposed to make sense when my heart doesn’t?

I’m a conflicted little girl. (I was going to say git, but whatever.) I’m just all, here, and then i’m all, there, and it’s getting really annoying.

I gave monkey the ring he made me back last night. *shrugs* I don’t know if he even noticed, but i felt much lighter. I’ve decided to just give in to what he wanted, which was a professional working relationship. I don’t have that kind of relationship with the rest of the guys at work, but he wants it…. so he’s getting it. Oh, and is he going to get it. *eyes begin to well, lip trembles* i felt better though. I honestly did. I was icy, I was platonic, and there was no emotion behind my actions…. unless you count hurt, and pain. *bites her lip* but it’s my own fault. and that’s that.

I did this.

And I”m a permanent life time member of LDSmingles.com now. It’s really fun, and exciting… but every time I meet someone, i’m constantly going “Oh, Gert does that!” or “Gert would find that pretty funny.” and it’s basically what my mind focus’ on now days. *looks down* I tried to get transferred to Dateless’ store (Who in relation, is apparently not so dateless…) but he said Gert would have to approve it– and so I’m back at square one. I mean what am I supposed to do? “Can I switch stores? Because Of Monkey, and mostly because I like you, and i want to see if it’s just a proximity crush, and if it would really last, and if you’re even interested at all… That’s why i’d like to switch Gert”

How about, NO!

There is no way that I, completely sober and ready for work, would say that to Gert’s face, or even over the phone…. or even like to a facsimile of him. I dont’ think so. Not now, not ever. I’m too…. what’s the word… stupid.

*sighs deeply* and I really could use some useful advice. And basically all i’m getting is a whole bunch of “I don’t know what you should do” or grunts while someone is playing some video game….

but there is no way whatsoever I’ll go back to my therapist. I can do this on my own….. With God. I can do this with God, and I won’t need anyone else. I’m positive.

Derringer Meryl [Think, Think, Think] Out

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