Undone

2003-10-15 – 1:40 p.m.

*mutters* It’s true. SO FREAKIN’ True.

Where does freedom of speech end, and harassment begin?

I didn’t know what they were doing. I admit, i heard about this, how could I not? this is, after all, my religion. I am LDS. I love it. I admit, that like other religions, not everyone believes in it– but we seem to get beat on a lot for what we believe. I don’t think the world should PITY us, or anything– i think we deserve the same treatment as everyone else. We have millions of members, and still, we’re treated like some backwoods cult from Michigan that’s telling our followers to treat their children with snake venom– only we call it the “elixir of God.” No, we’re a Christian religion just as much as the Catholic church is. we don’t deserve to be the ass of someone’s joke any more than anyone else does. I have NEVER protested any other religion. Well, i guess that depends on your definition of religion. You want to be a Wiccan, go ahead, I really don’t care… feel free, you can do what you want. It’s your choice… but– don’t try and bring down some wiccan curse on me, because then i’m just irritated. *shrugs*

But I wouldn’t ever touch someones sacred items and belittle them. Never. Ever. I have a deep respect for other religions. I have friends who are Buddhist, Muslim, Catholic, Agnostic, and whatever else you can think of. Honest… We’re running a little low on Baptists around these parts, but as long as they agree (in pact, i agree to the same terms) to not trash each others religion, in fact, it rarely ever comes up…. i’m fine. I am defensive about my faith– and i don’t think it’s so much because I love it, but it’s because people have died for it. In fact, even people in the past who have fallen away (which is what we call it when people stop coming to church, or just leave the church all together) have never denied the fact it was true. I find that amazing. People have sacrificed so much, and i don’t think that NOW, in this day in age, when everyone gets what they want– when people who were once called Black, are now African Americans, and those who were once Indians, are Native Americans– and we seem to embrace so much that is different from ourselves– that we, as a nation, still reject a religion, Christian by all rights. And honestly– if this is what the United States of America is about, that after 200 years of boasting RELIGIOUS FREEDOM, they spit on the LDS religion, well i can tell you what–

Up yours America– I don’t want to be part of a nation like that.

I’ll take my sacred Garments with me too.

Derringer Meryl [I hate People.] Out

Right then– here I go, If you don’t like to read about any religion (if it isn’t yours or at all) I suggest you scoot. I’m having Religious dilemmas.

I love my church, God, Jesus, the whole bit. I’d write out a testimony, but that isn’t what this post is about. It’s about me… and despite the fact i’ve tried so hard to scrape every single memory of him from my brain…. HIM. I’m sure you remember. Blah. In any case, I’ve fallen again, and hard. Mostly due to my legal-ness now. It’s so hard for me to understand. I get that God wants all of his children to be happy (right, makes sense) and for me, being married will make me happy. And despite how obsessed and disgustingly sick this makes me, as far as i know right now, at this moment, I would not mind being married to HIM.

He’s not my same religion. My heart chose. and I hate it. I hate the fact that my heart is leading me someplace that I would love to go, but can’t. It’s like, there are two things that would make me happy (okay, makes sense) but they contradict each other.

Take my sadist obsession…. or being a massochist— strictly in contradiction to what I feel about the gospel. (BTW If you didn’t already know, I’m LDS…. dont’ think ill of them… Some of them are very happy people, and simply wish to extend that happiness to you. *shrugs*)

Anyway– I’m like the living contradiction girl. I love people, I think people are facinating, but I have social anxiety, I want to have a husband, but I’m afraid to date…..

I love a Catholic Boy, despite the fact that I’m LDS and can’t marry him the way I want to.

I dont’ even know what i’m talking about. I don’t even know if I want to marry him at all. But he takes my breath away and makes me feel real. Like the life i’m living isn’t just some day dream that is inside of someone’s head…. Real. Me.

It’s something new to me. I can feel every aspect of emotion– pain, love, it’s vibrant and glorious…

and i want it. I guess that’s why I want HIM so bad. Because he makes me alive inside.

I’m not sure if that’s romantic or really really scary. REALLY

Derringer Meryl [Living Again?] Out