Undone

My heart aches when i hear this song. It’s his favorite band, or group, or whatever.

It reminds me of him, and that’s what hurts. I’m going to make a CD of all the songs that remind me of him, and then– then listen to it all day, and all night, and get him out of me.

Last time I talked to you,

you were lonely and out of place.

You were looking down on me,

lost out in space.

Laid underneath the stars,

strung out and feeling brave.

Watch the riddles glow,

watch them float away.

Down here in the atmosphere,

garbage and city lights,

you gotta save your tired soul,

you gotta save our lives.

Turn on the radio,

to find you on sattellite,

I’m waiting for the sky to fall,

I’m waiting for a sign.

All we are is all so far.

You’re falling back to me,

the star that I can’t see.

I know you’re out there,

somewhere out there.

You’re falling out of reach,

defying gravity,

I know you’re out there,

somewhere out there.

Hope you remember me,

when you’re homesick and need a change.

I miss your purple hair,

I miss the way you taste.

I know you’ll come back someday,

on a bed of nails awake.

I’m praying that you don’t burn out,

or fade away.

All we are is all so far

You’re falling back to me,

the star that I can’t see.

I know you’re out there,

somewhere out there.

You’re falling out of reach,

defying gravity,

I know you’re out there,

somewhere out there.

You’re falling back to me,

the star that I can’t see.

I know you’re out there, oh.

You’re falling out of reach,

defying gravity….

I know you’re out there,

somewhere out there.

You’re falling back to me,

the star that I can’t see.

I know you’re out there,

somewhere out there.

You’re falling out of reach,

defying gravity,

I know you’re out there,

somewhere out there.

You’re falling back to me.

Well I know,

I know.

You’re falling out of reach.

I know…

Derringer Meryl [Pathetic as usual] Out

I think this describes last night at work, well to a tee. I can’t help it, it’s so true.

It took me by surprise

When I saw you standing there

Close enough to touch

Breathing the same air

You asked me how I’d been

I guess that’s when

I smiled and said just fine

Oh but baby I was lying

CHORUS:

What I really meant to say

Is I’m dying here inside

I miss you more each day

There’s not a night

I haven’t cried

And baby here’s the truth

I’m still in love with you

That’s what I really meant to say

And as you walked away

The echo of my words

Cut just like a knife

Cut so deep it hurt

I held back the tears

Held on to my pride

And watched you go

I wonder if you’ll ever know

What I really meant to say

Is I’m dying here inside

I miss you more each day

There’s not a night

I haven’t cried

And baby here’s the truth

I’m still in love with you

That’s what I really meant to say

What I really meant to say

Is I’m really not that strong

No matter how I try

I’m still holding on

And here’s the honest truth

I’m still in love with you

That’s what I really meant to say

What I really meant to say By Cyndi Thomson.

I sang that to myself all night… *sigh* I’m just hopeless I guess.

I worked

I worked well.

I worked like the moron I am.

I got HIM a cd he had lost. Well correction, I burned him a CD that he had lost. In anycase, I got it for him, he’s probably listening to it right now. He was very greatful for it. I was happy to make him happy. I wish I was happier.

Want a happy-o-meter? I’m indulging in Ben and Jerry’s. I”m not sure, but I htink I may be lactose intolerant, but I’m just addicted to my B&J’s, and I just don’t care. I don’t care if it makes my tummy go into knots every time I eat it.

Oh well. Cause i’m just screwed. No one wants to talk to me about HIM anymore. They say i talk too much about him. It’s more than likely true.

Painfully true.

SO I hate myself for it. I hate myself because I know nothing can happen because I’m a good girl, and he’s a good guy, and I’m … practically five. That’s what it feels like anyway. I wish I just felt older. That’s a justified wish, right?

I’m supposed to go to bed at a decent hour so I can get up and ready my room (ie clean) for my friend. She’s moving in with me, and I need to get it ready for her to live in. I have to box up some stuff, and I have to put some of it in storage.

It’s all good. It’s a price I’m ready and willing to pay. I just need to keep cleaning.

Derringer Meryl [Sometimes I wish I was stronger] Out

I suppose I’ll redo my journal entry now. *sighs*

It was just really long, and I usually write the things in here as they come to me.

I got my senior picture proofs, and can I say nasty! Ew. Gross. ew ew ew ew. I look horrid. I’d show you, cept that it is literally against the law, I even had to sign a little paper that said I wouldn’t reproduce them.

SO there. I wll never show them to any of you because after tomorrow I won’t have to look at them ever again. Cept the two good ones I’m going to order, which means I have to boogie in the morning and get to the bank.

Yes I am the grownup, I’m paying for my pretty pictures. Oh so pretty. *gags* RIght, they didn’t look so swell.

I worked last night, that is Tuesday. It was fun, HE walked me to my car, simply by accident, but it was sort of endearing… even though it was by accident.

I tried so hard to hate you

But it only makes things worse

I only end up hating myself

And as my hatred grows

So do the lies

It’s hard to face the truth sometimes

God I feel so useless

God I hate myself

It’s the truth, when you get try to get over soemone you want to hate them, cause that will make the pain justified, make the divorce from what you want to do, and what you need to do easier.

And you can’t. Sometimes you try to hate someone to divorce yourself from those feelings, and they just keep — you just can’t you can’t stop liking them, can stop from wanting to spend more time with them, even though you know its bad for you, even though you know it willhurt more next time–

Next time they don’t notice you.

I think you’d know by now i’m not a quiet girl…. but people seem to forget I’m there often enough. I hate it. I hate that I am not enough to pay attention to….

Thats what makes me feel like a little girl, the fact that everytime i’m with people i feel like i have to raise my hand in order to say something. I don’t always feel like that, but sometimes. Like at work. I feel like I have to wait my turn, and that people turn me out of their conversations because i’m not grown up enough. Sometimes i enjoy being innocent, but not when it draws me on the outside of something instead of the inside.

How annoying.

I didn’t go to girls camp. I know i”m such a horrible girl for not going. but honestly I have to say that girls are annoying. That is the number one reason why I will NEVER ever EVER understand lesbianism. Girls are the most annoying creatures on this earth. I do not exclude myself from this. THey aren’t always annoying, in small groups they are fine, but you get more than fifteen women together and you have mental break down.

I can’t handle that many girls. It annoys me to no end.

I know this entry is totally different from the original one… but i feel different now, just the whole mood thing, i change like that. I just do.

Derringer Meryl [‘Cause you know I’d walk a thousand miles] Out

thought i’d post more about my fourth, cause in long and short– it was odd.

I did go to the BBQ. it was great, I met new people. they were…. more my ‘age’ if that makes sense, since the lot of them were older than me, but they acted with maturity and immaturity, so it balanced, like me.

Bummer I left (now i know) three hours before the party was over. I got to watch some of the fire works. It was nice, because I got to hang out with all of these new people.

(Oh the lameness) My parents, yes both of them, came and picked me up from the party, in our white minivan, known affectionately as the BMW. (Big-Mormon-Wagon) I left and waved bye to all the new people I met, and my shirt (as it was a little short) showed my stomach. sue me, I dress like a hoochie when I’m around certain people.

Well that flipped my Dad’s lid, and I got a talkin’ to on the way home. I did not enjoy this. He ended up walking home since he got out of the car and insisted that he walk.

At that time it was fine by me.

I wanted to get out too, go to Wyoming, where my best friend lives, or just run and hide somewhere. I thought about where I could go when things sucked it a lot….

I realized that there weren’t many places I could go.

That scared me. I thought about going back to HIS house. That was out. Total impose-ment.

I thought where I could go if my dad had the next day off of work (ie Friday) The only solution:

Work

I know it seems odd, but i realize now, and then, that work is the only haven i have from this harsh world. While that seems odd because work is normally the place where you get a harsh dose of reality, i feel my safest there, and I love being there.

I don’t know what i’m going to do when I get transferred.

Probably Cry

No doubt.

But as luck would have it, Dad had work the next day. I woke up for my bike ride, and then slept till two-ish.

For the first time I had double bags under my eyes.

My mom pointed out to me that most girls wouldn’t be proud of that. I say bah, bags are nothing…. it was the squelching headache that killed me.

I went into work, for a minute or two, to get my check. I thanked *HIM* for inviting me to the party, cause I was grateful, my family played chicken foot (dominoes) all night. It was, to say the least, less than exciting. I showed them my double bags under my eyes…. I didn’t tell them that I got them from crying, I’ll tell them later, when my mom isn’t around.

I didn’t have to hide out all day, but I know that hanging out there, is my favorite thing to do.

Odd ne?

Oh, and if *HIM* or You, since I’m addressing *HIM* directly– well if you come here, stumble upon it in some sort of — well accident….

tell me something… say something. say “pancakes taste good by gardenias” for all I care– just say something.

Derringer Meryl [Devil in Desguise] Out