Undone

And this one time……

I remember that i was taking piles of work out, and he handed me some…. and …. our hands brushed. It was like time slowed down. I miss that.

I suppose I should review life. Work, is great. I love my co-workers. I need to generate more bussiness. If we don’t….. then …. no hours=no money=sad me.

I’m still groaning and moaning about the total moron that is me. For the fool I made of myself.

All life is now is school and work….. and work used to include him. and now it doesn’t. life seems empty. Ya know? it was like I’d look forward to going because… he’d be there, or I could maybe see him, or be some where he was that day.

And now. it’s empty, and cold. and filled with organization, and memorization…. and blah

Feeling the adoration of the rain we’ve been having. He used to tell me when it rained “I love the rain. I love the way it smells, and the way it looks, and I love being in it….” It was…. nice.

The rain reminds me.

Derringer Meryl [Remember Me, Ever so softly] Out

It’s been a long week, And it’s only tuesday

My pretty little mood swings probably don’t help at all.

I just feel like the world is crumbling around me, and no one wants to help, only hurt.

School is being a pain. So much work to do, I don’t understand how everyone else does it. I’m hoping and praying that I can graduate early. *falls down on her knees* I really am. the social aspects of school are really starting to…. *blinks* kill me quickly.

I admit, I don’t want to work at the Gamestop for the rest of my life, it’s not one of those things you aspire to, it’s not. *smiles and looks away wistfully* what I really want to do is write. I want to write for their magazine, any magazine! I might want to start my own for girl gamers. It’s really not fair, it isn’t. There is no magazines that take the time to admire all the girly ways of the gamer. I mean really. I think it could succeed. Even guys would buy it, cause they want to get their girls interested in the games that are their life, help them to understand.

I want to publish my diary and call it Dear You: Confessions to an Imagined Lover

I have ambitions. I have goals. I can see a light at the end of a tunnel, but no one has told me how to get there yet, and that’s the part I really struggle with. Do I need to go to school and to become a good writer?

Should I be a writer at all? I don’t know where to go now. Because all of the sudden I realized that I can’t teach, and that I can’t stand high school. I can’t go back. I’d hate myself for working in a place as unbearable as a High school, and if I want to kill all the students now, what will I want to do to them then?

I lack direction.

I feel like a dandelion seed, carried on the wind of lost hope and foresight.

I had my life planned, and now– I’ve gone and lost all of the planning I had.

Sometimes I wish I knew the people who read this. So I knew who I was dumping my problems on to.

Yeah Right.

Derringer Meryl [I’m just standin’ and mumblin’ and starin’ at my shoes] Out

So life at the new store is going well, doesn’t stop my co-workers from teasing me. That’s okay, I’m dealing, and I’m loving it all to pieces.

School is hectic, preventing me from my net usage. which is a bummer and a half, cause I love it on the net, and It makes me feeel better to write on here.

I have to look down when I talk to you

I do. I have to look down now. I got my pancakes, and while I don’t know if it’s awkward for him, cause I’m not him…. But I have to look down when I talk to him. He might see the conflict brimming behind the glassy stare I’d give him. It hurts to look him in the eyes.

If you ever met me face to face, you’d know that the only time i look someone in the eye is when they’re telling me something important, like vitally. Life or death important. Like that.

Oh, Did I tell you, I started hurting myself again. it’s almost like it’s involentary. Okay it is involentary. I dig my nails into my arms if someone at school is annoying me, because I don’t understand why– they are the way they are.then of course i dug my car keys into my arm because I was talking to him, and it kept my mind off of him…. off of the fact that …..

I was rejected again.

Okay, so I promised to let go if he just gave me the little code. So I should. I should shut up.

I should just say-

The thing I miss the most about the Mall is ….. You.

Derringer Meryl [Stalk me] Out

I got my pancakes today.

I’m not sure whether to laugh– or cry…. or…. just curl up in a ball and die.

I think the ball and die one.

I’m not handling school well. The classes are over flowing….. and the students are… horrible. I can’t handle it any more. I think I have to do something.

And all I know is it’s either them or me.

With all my heart I hope it’s me. *blinks*

I’m a little miserable at the moment. Please… understand.

Derringer Meryl [I am the thing I hate] Out

You look so good

When you come my way

But I have to look down

When you talk to me

‘Cause you’re dangerous

[Dangerous by Ghost of the Robot]

What can I say, today was my technical last day at work. I should be able to say what I want to anyone at work, if i really wanted to .

But I’m not. Because:

You look so good

When you come my way

But I have to look down

When you talk to me

‘Cause you’re dangerous

Dangerous

Dangerous

And you don’t even know it

He doesn’t know me, he doesn’t see me, and that’s okay. I don’t need another heart ache, heart break. I should just be cold, and I can. I can’t ignore my feelings, but I can ignore him. He knows, I know he does.

But I can’t. I just can’t. I’m not good enough. I’m just… falling to pieces. SO there. I shouldn’t be in a relationship. I’m scary. I don’t like what I become when I get into a relationship, so I’ll just hide.

it’s okay.

Till later

Derringer Meryl [But I’ll be looking at you With your long brown hair] Out