Undone

Okay, so I’m the queen of oddity, I know that.

But over the past few days I’ve been thinking, a lot, about the human mind. The balance we all have inside of good and evil, passion and romance, love and apathy. All of these things balance inside of us, and too much of one or the other can make us—

inhuman.

unhuman. whatever, I don’t know. But you aren’t feeling or living or anything like that if you’re experiencing too much of one thing. Balance. Man did the chinese or who ever thought of balance have it right!

Too much passion and you spoil it. The relationship, the experience, anything. Too much passion and love becomes hate. Too much romance keys you towards an unfulfilled desire. it’s really– interesting how the human mind works. How we don’t completely understand even though our existence has been long and — slow. We are some of the slowest things on this earth. We learn very little. Even the smartest person on this earth could not tell me why people do what they do.

You are not truly intelligent unless you know the workings of the human mind.

I know it seems like crap, and total…. well BS and what not…. but think about it. We know nothing or next to it, about the human psyche. How we live and move and have personality. Where does that all go after we die? I mean I know, and I only do because I’ve searched for it…. but scientifically no one can prove it. They won’t know. They don’t have balance. HA!

Guys are always wondering what girls want from relationships. Honestly I can answer that question without a moments pause.

We have NO clue whatsoever what we want. Good luck guessing, because we are too. We want an amazing lover, who is gentle, romantic, passionate, and kind. We want a just man, a quiet man, a handsome man, a pious man….. blah blah blah! I could go on forever, but it’s a matter of fact that each girl not only wants something different, it is also a possibility that she is conflicted in what she wants from a guy.

I know I am. Romance and Passion are conflicting attributes. So there. *shrugs* I don’t know what i want, but I do know there is someone out there for me.

Derringer Meryl [Someday I’ll find a door that opens, it’s called faith, look it up] Out

the story of me is a long and confusing one.

I freely admit that. It’s at least a novel, and it wouldn’t make much sense. Well– unless you wear tinfoil hats worried that the aliens will steal your brainwaves, but i’m getting off the subject here.

Which is how screwed up I am. Now, I’m not beat on or anything (at least not that I can remember….) and while traumatic things have happened to me, I can honestly and fully say, I have not had it SO bad in life. The thing is, not what happens to you, but how you handle it. I don’t know if i’ve mentioned that before in here, but that’s the key to life. Not how you act so much to how you react. This guy I was listening to said it this way:

“Through your life you may run into some real bastards and they’ll take you for a ride, but all of that doesn’t matter. What matters is not how they act, but how you react.”

and that’s totally true. *nods* I may not have had the short end of the stick and I can greatfully say that I have never been raped in my life, or physically abused by my loved ones. While other types of abuse have been practiced on me (mainly by the general unloving public) I never understood it’s not how bad of a life you’ve had, it’s what you’ve done with the experience.

That’s the key to how screwed up I am. I pickled my crap. Yes I freely admit (once again) I have pickled crap. I took everything that ever bothered me and I stuffed into a jar and let it set until it hurt so much. Blah. this had a point.

The thing is– this will hand you the laugh of your life– all goes back to this guy I like. Not the same I guy I ranted forever about. He’s a doll, and a wonderful guy, and he’ll make a wonderful husband to some very lucky girl. I guess I finally accepted it wasn’t me. *shrugs* I may have a thick skull, but I’ve seen thicker.

I haven’t liked him forever, just since I met him. It was like, take your breath away charisma. *sighs* hard to describe. It’s like– in my Big Fat Greek Wedding when the guy says that his life was dull before he met Toula. I wouldn’t go so far as that…. *blinks*

It’s an extreme statement. I do not negate it. Basically, he makes me excited about living and doing things, and writing, and makes me want to talk, not just listen. So vibrant and alive– funny and sensitive, and very very friendly.

I openly admit that I was very light headed the first time I met him. Still when I talk to him, it’s like some kind of out of body experience.

and I sound like some fan girl drooling over the latest boy band. *gags*

and yet– it seems like something special, in a very real way. Almost– magical.

Derringer Meryl [Sappy Me] Out

My fingers are all pruney.

I just spent the last hour washing dishes as a deal so I could come on here and update. Hee hee hee. I did a good job, it’s not my fault that everything smells like vinegar (gack).

I was thinking about my older brother (sure I have a lot of them,just to keep you guessing) he’s only four years older than me. Well… three years and six months, but I figure, what ever. Anyway, I’m a devoted little LDS girl, I’m not ashamed of it. I love my religon (Before you flame me I adhere strictly to the 11th article of faith which states that (in Lay terms) you do what you do, I do what I do, we just let it go. k?) and I know it makes me happy. It might not do that for everyone– but I know it made him happy. It was one of those things you could see in his eyes, even when he was mad– or sad– that he knew it was true. That God loves us…..

Then — I don’t know where it all went wrong. I don’t know when he stopped believing it all– but I didn’t like the person he became. I still love him, he’s my brother, there isn’t any way I couldn’t. I just know that he isn’t — that he doesn’t

that he doesn’t feel right. He’s struggling. He’s confused. Because the rest of his family is LDS and he isn’t, and he doesn’t want to be on the outside, but he doesn’t want to go to a church he no longer believes in to make someone else happy.

All I know is that my older brother… the one who looks like my twin. The one who i’ve always looked up to, the one I strive to do everything right so I can be like him–

Can’t go to my wedding.

Sure I’m not engaged, or anything like that, hell, i’m not even dating much! But As I sat spinning in a computer chair today at the local store, My mom said: “That’ll be useful for when you move out” and for the first time really– it hit me.

I’m a grown up.

I have only a few months left of my life as a reckless kid, who stays out late and does things that are fun on the weekend, and — who doesn’t think about the concequences when they buy some stupid thing at the store. Then I realize–

I’ve been grown up for thirteen years now.

My brother used to stay out late, and made stupid choices without thinking about the concequences, and I saw how it hurt my family. How it hurt me. I didn’t like it, so I decided that I wouldn’t do that. And when he got his girlfriend (now wife, thank you very much) pregnant, he stepped up and took responsibility.

I was afraid. Dammit, I still am. Because– because we’re almost twins. We look so much alike it’s scary, I kid you not. Because I’m afraid of making the mistakes he made, I became my own parent. I told myself “Is it very responsible to go out and do things with people when you have homework?” and I got better grades. I said to myself “Is it really responsible to go to dances when that big test is on monday?” and I stayed home. I didn’t need my parents to ground me, or yell at me, or remind me of the concequences of my actions.

I did it myself.

I wanted to do everything right, every last thing. I wanted to take the AP tests he didn’t, I wanted to pass the classes he didn’t, I wanted to win the awards he didn’t. I wanted to be him, and better. Every good thing about him, I wanted to be.

I lost myself while playing his shadow.

Not to mention I’m a perfectionist. It’s not hard to take the tests he didn’t, or pass the classes he didn’t– but the awards, the glory. He was an editor, and went on all the dates to all the dances.

I didn’t wish to repeat the dances– that would take away from my academic glory.

But here I am at my senior year, and the world is rushing me out into life, into the world of uncertainty where you don’t have someone to hold you hand–

and i don’t have a path to follow.

It makes me nervous. I had my entire life planned out. I was going to graduate from the academy of Travel and Tourism, work as a travel agent through my college years, and then become an English Teacher for a high school.

Then My senior year happened. I didn’t like High school students, the academy became much too– well lets just say it was far too challenging for the beginning classes you take. The college I wanted to go to, and wanted me, was Catholic, so that was banned by a higher authority… ahem. So here I am.

I’m going to go to SLCC until I decide where else to go. What a plan.

Derringer Meryl [Game of Life] Out

Sometimes it’s easier living a lie

Boy, was Tom Hanks right. I got back from watching Catch me if you can and All I can think is…

why doesn’t the world stop when I want to get off? Sure, I can understand that the world doesn’t revolve around me, but why– heavens why, do people move on? Sure resenting things and being bitter– bad stuff, I can swear to it. But why not hold onto a little scrap of something good, so maybe, if it comes back, you can remember what it was like.

She cheated

She got married to her lover

And had a new baby.

She replaced lover

She replaced Husband

She replaced child.

Why do I feel that she drove her son to fly around the world? That she made him want to leave, to run away. Because she did. She didn’t take the time to think about the lies she was telling, and who it would break in the end.

It broke her family

It broke the government

It broke the world.

Sure, he had a choice. There is no doubt in my mind that Frank Abignale Jr. had a choice every time he impersonated someone new. But the rush, the thrill,

it’s enough that you can become addicted to it.

Something tells me deep down inside, that he couldn’t help but want his mom to see him. She never saw him. Never.

He kept saying, ‘Catch me. I want this to end. I’m so tired of it all.’ and all i could think is….

I know that feeling. Wanting to be caught, someone to call your bluff and say “I see you. I see what you do–” Because you can’t do it yourself. Because running from the truth is all you’ve ever done in your life, and stopping is out of the question. Someone has to make you stop. Make you want to stop.

I can’t say what made me stop lying. Stop pasting on the smile that made my heart bleed until I felt so exhausted that I would sleep for hours. I think– I think it was when it caught up to me. When I felt it all, and I knew I was caught. Not by anyone, not by anything but the web of my own lies. And I had to bear the guilt alone.

For the most part.

I was lying to myself.

Derringer Meryl [finally caught up] Out