Undone

More about WCI, just because i was in a hurry before, like a total prat, i didn’t explain where it is, and what not, and why i’dbe going there.

Okay. *sighs* The Culinary (Baking and Pastry in specifics) arts isn’t my first choice in what i wanted to be when i grew up. In fact, it never even came into mind. But more recently, i’ve been a baking fiend. I cook for my co-workers, I cook for their roomates, and i love it. I love to have people eat things i’ve cooked and say it’s good. IT’s a barrel of warm fuzzies, without the hand-holding goodness. Anyway, I want to learn how to do it better, baking and what not that is. Breads, cakes, cookies, the lot. If you can make it in an oven, i want to do it. I’m sorta scared of stoves, so i shy away from that. Heh.

WCI is in Oregon. I can hear Red screaming “OREGON! THAT’S FREAKING ALL THE WAY !!” and so on… but the thing is, they have another branch of the same place in Nevada, and one in Arizona. So I could go more, southernly, and stay near her, 😉

Red should remember that I love her the way she is, and that she doesn’t have to listen to the hellish choir that she is forced to hang out with, she means tons to me, and if she went any further south, i’d cry.

Derringer Meryl [Spike-Obsession] Out

*eyes glaze over* You know that feeling, where it feels like things are okay? School is good, friends are good, relationships in the romance area are good, everything is good–? That feeling is the best ever.

I’m NO where near that feeling. I realized that i’m going to school tonight for the first time in … *thinks* three weeks or so? I don’t really want to go back– i don’t fit in there, and being there makes my butt go numb. Blah. Then There’s Red, who i’m almost convinced is dead. [half-smile] How rude of her not to call and tellme she’s dead.[/lame joke] and i just got on my instant messenger, only to see that Monkey doesn’t seem to be feeling well either. I’m not sure, as we don’t talk very often anymore, but part of me wishes that i could get my guts in a pile and call and ask him how he is. *whispers* i just don’t want to be intrusive. Or rude, or anything.

I just want to be friendly, and i’ve come to the realization that i suck ass at being friendly. I’m overbearing in my friendly-ness and thus, it scares people. I’m like the church-lady who calls and asks you to come to church, but you look at the caller id and hide, like actually physically hide because you feel that somehow she can see you through the phonelines…..

I might be exaggerating, but i’m not sure. Anyway. I’m a worry wart, I get stomach aches from worry, but if i didn’t have my friends to worry about, then i’d worry about stupid things. I worry about Marco, Red, Monkey, Frienjamin, Dateless, Gert, Artemis, …. hell, sometimes i even take the time to worry about the annoying animeboi. I worry about my family, that everyone is doing okay, that their marriages are working out okay, that my brother doesn’t have a job, and i figure that makes him feel pretty down. I worry about interactions between my Dad and my ‘twin’ because they dont’ get a long at all.

I worry about germs, and how they can get into your body– i worry about having enough money, about what my parents think of my lack of direction… and what not. It’s exhausting, to worry about it all. But I don’t let it overwhelm me. I see worrying, as a sign of love. Worry=Care. I care about people, so I worry about them. Are they happy, are they sick, are they dating someone new? It’s not obsession, it’s love.

Derringer Meryl [piling some guts, EMAIL] Out

Oh Yeah. I have a test tomorrow… err.. today, whatever. 🙂 Wish me luck… 🙂

*crickets chirp*

Fine ya stingy jerk. I’ll get my luck from other places. HMPH.

After test, i have work (yippie) and then i have… DN Angel? Maybe. Depends on if it downloads.

I fear the Kazaa thanks to the RIAA, I just wish I knew where to find it with Bittorrent. 🙁

Derringer Meryl [sleepy by time] Out

Giddy, that’s the only way to discribe how I feel right now.

Sure i had a uber shibby day. I sucked it up on my Math Test, I ate some chocolate cake which I should probably burn off by doing some pilates, but– i’m not going to right now– hee hee. Then I went to work, still unable to count, and talked to Friendjamin about Monkey. Nothing bad, just venting my frustrations. Poor Friendjamin. He’s ill. I simply must make him some soup to make him feel better, especially after all the great advice he gave me. *twitches* Damn. It’s that time again. Time for the late night Zoloft twitches. God. I hate those.

Right, what makes the day all good. I got an email back from the great people at Xbox, and they say they want to hire me (for like three days, i hope) and i get the best pay ever!! (that i’ve had) $11 an hour! And I plan on working as many hours as possible. I dont’ mind doing odd jobs… err that’s a bad word for it.. i dont’ mind doing something that requires me to dress up like a freak (even though it’s not really freak attire) as long as i get the moolah after.

i know that makes me sound SO much like a whore, but c’mon. I’m a starving college student, puleaze! I’m in the need of money. I’m not greedy, the college is. Quality education, i’m teaching myself. Jerks. Hmph.

Anyway, I have to get up early to go to class (huzzah) and then possibly back to work. I dont’ mind though– cause i need the hours. hours=moolah.

Oh. Want to know what I heard the faucker monkey was planning on doing? Switching out to my old bosses store.

The one he has the major honking hots for.

Derringer Meryl [everyone but me you faucker] Out

I have thoughts like this running through my mind as my parents send me off to college to get married. Can you believe they’re paying Next to five hundred dollars so i can learn, and get married, or at least find a potential husband, because the man of my dreams certainly must be waiting with in the community college…

*blinks* Lets not go into that. Makes my chest sorta hurt, and images fly through my mind like i’m going to die or something.

THen i go to institute, which is like… Church school. I learn about my church. i’m sure i sound thrilled, really, but it isn’t so bad. the teachers are nice, and very funny, and then there’s the reason i’m there:

to find someone to marry, which is sorta hard when everyone there is like going with a date. Like Johnny and Suzy. Okay, so i don’t really know anyone named that, or anything, but it gets a little annoying when you’re sitting in class and everyone is holding hands with someone except you…. and your brother. ew. Anyway.

I’m just tired. I’m tired of being dragged here and there, and everywhere, when my heart rests in an invisible little grove full of dead trees. I’m sappy. And gross. I hate myself for it, but people don’t have much choice in this kind of thing, they just fall. Ya know? *laughs to herself* I’m sadly… in a sad place with people. i can’t do much about it. Not everyone deserves hate,

and i can’t fall out of…. these emotions without hating. And the person, doesn’t deserve my hate, or anyones hate, or malice, or even a smidgen of bad feelings.

He deserves everything to go right in his life. And if i could do that for him I would. In a heart beat. I would change everything to suit him.

and if someone else makes him happy, then i can deal with that– because he would be happy. I just…. I want him to be happy. Really.

Derringer Meryl [dripping with sap] Out