Undone

So you know how i’ve been complaining about how Kharma doesnt’ exist, and how i was fairly sure God really really hated me, and was actually punishing me for all of my sins ahead of time… contrary to what I actually believe– i was just PLOMing it. (Read: Poor Little Ole Me, also known as “No body likes me every body hates me, i think i’ll go eat worms” disease.)

And at the beginning of this new year, as happy and glorious and special as it is, i’d like to point out the ever so obvious…. Without the Ups, there’s no point in downs. it’s stupid. It’s insane. It’s frustrating. So what? Doesn’t that sound like everything else in life?

Sure, you have to drive behind some REALLY slow old people, but ya know what? You still get to where you’re going, right? You might get there slower, but so what? Who cares? There’s fifty million other things to be happy about, and you focus on the stupid things that are depressing.

And trust me, i’ve been into a whole lotta funks, I practically live in one– but then I sorted a few things out, and i’m not saying i know the secret to everlasting happiness, because HELLO, life isn’t a video game with a guide and things like that. There are no cheat codes and there’s no reset button.

Mou. Life is hard. But if it was easy, then we wouldn’t have people making money off of selling blogs. No one would read books, no one would bond in pain. No one would go to therapy, no one would want to be entertained, there COULD be no entertainment, No computers, no internet, no ANIME!

OH GOD MAKE THE EASE STOP! *giggles insanely* So I found a happy in my life. I remember a time when the Specialist had such a happy in his life that he chased it until the Happy accepted him.

I’m not saying that there are no down point. I”m just saying instead of looking down to them when stuff is good, keep moving.

I don’t know how to explain it. it’s a little crazy. it’s a little blurry, but… it’s good. And so… you dont’ try to puzzle about things when God gives you a blessing, don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, you say “Hey, this is good. I like good. Good is Good.” and be happy.

Accept things. Love them. Feel them. And go from there.

Derringer Meryl [Feeling Philosophical] Out

Oi. Life hates me. Want to see?

Barbie is being sold at an insane price, here on Ebay, Mom says she’ll help me bid on it tomorrow. 🙂 Huzzah. 🙂 So, happy for that. Then, Inuyasha’s second part is being sold now. I thought i’d have to wait until February to get the newest one. I’m so excited. That means a whole bunch of Ram will be freed on my computer once I can afford that. Psh. *coughs* and THEN There’s Full Metal Panic (FMP) and Full Metal Panic Fumoffu (only the first eight episodes, but STILL) why does this all show up after Christmas?

Mou!

All this stuff, and I have books to buy. While some people say “Don’t buy them” But then again– i’m not very good at studying without them. HOnest. I have no work ethic. Not to mention– I sorta want to. So, tomorrow I’m going to go buy a basket load of books (nine) adding up to about $350. Fun, eh? And I’m excited, Just because I’m spending a whole paycheck, and then some.

Oi. And it’s not on anything fun, nope, just… stuff.

Derringer Meryl [School Prospects] OUt

2004-01-01 – 12:25 p.m.
I’m posting this for the Specialist … he seems a little down, i suppose we were ragging on him a little for not being more emotional… but — our emotion is what makes us human, and stuffing it away– well, that’s of no use. So… today, instead of a lyric spew– or even my own personal poetry — i’m going to spew some of Langston Hughes whom i began to learn about in the ninth grade. I loved… his work from the beginning. *nods* I don’t want to sound like a dork– and list off about how he was one of the lead writers in the Harlem Renaissance, and a completely amazing writer (I love him more than Red loves Maya Angelou.) and someday, i’d like to write like him.

Mother to Son, By Langston Hughes

Well, son, I’ll tell you:

Life for me ain’t been no crystal stair.

It’s had tacks in it,

And splinters,

And boards torn up,

And places with no carpet on the floor —

Bare.

But all the time

I’se been a-climbin’ on,

And reachin’ landin’s,

And turnin’ corners,

And sometimes goin’ in the dark

Where there ain’t been no light.

So boy, don’t you turn back.

Don’t you set down on the steps

‘Cause you finds it’s kinder hard.

Don’t you fall now —

For I’se still goin’, honey,

I’se still climbin’,

And life for me ain’t been no crystal stair.

Nope. Life ain’t no crystal stair. and dammit, it’s never going to be one. That’s just the way it is. (I wish you could see all of the neat things he did with the indention, but … unfortunately Diaryland won’t let me do that) I must say, he’s one of the best writers ever.

This is for you, Specialist.

Derringer Meryl [Keep Climbing] Out

when it comes to relationships i’m the dumbest one

and i don’t mean just with [boys], i mean with everyone

your illustrations always point out just what’s wrong with me

it’s chapstick, and chapped lips, and things like chemistry

it’s chapstick, and chapped lips, and things like

it’s chapstick, and chapped lips, and things like

it’s chapstick, and chapped lips, and things like chemistry

Isn’t it insane the insight i’m finding today? And then again– i’m all sorts of not sleeping right. My internal clock is all screwed up….

Besides the fact it thinks i’m like… 35. that too… is also bad.

Derringer Meryl [I was never good with Chapstick] Out

*growls* I’m glad that there wasn’t any PESKY guilt or anything building up in RED’s brain about missing my birthday.

I mean, it’s not like it’s a special day, or like this is a special year or anything. It’s not like next year i’ll be out of my teens and i’ll have to be all responsible or anything. Mou. No. It’s NOTHING like that at all.

Yeah. Well, i’m sick of waiting around for her to get off her butt and decide to be my friend again.

One day out of the whole freakish year. She can screw me off the rest of the year. She can think of me as some kind of boorish whore, but my birthday, that’s my freakin’ day. MINE. *growls* and i don’t need this. I don’t need the guilty feeling when i nearly forget her birthday, and go all out anyway, and then get forgotten (second year in a row, ladies and gents) for a little boyfriend.

So you’re serious. Good for you. Huzzah. I hope you’re happy. *waves her hands* Not like …. *sighs*

and now i’m feeling guilty. I know Red is being pulled in twenty million different directions. I know she has a temp job, and she has school, and a real job, and a boyfriend, and a family, and two cute nephews…. and … ISSUES.

but then again– Sakura has a job, goes to a real college (just like Red does) has a family, and she has issues. She’s got her fingers in a bunch of different pies. JUST like Red. And HELL, i dont’ talk to her as much as I do Red– and she remembered my birthday, and even took five minutes out of work, and called. And I wasn’t asking for a damn surprise party, i was asking to be thought of.

and really, is that so much to ask? I mean– just a phone call, or something.

Mou. I guess I’m not worth the fifty cents it takes to call someone now.

Derringer Meryl [Yeah It Really Hurts] Out