Undone

Does NO ONE take pride in their work anymore? I mean, you buy some Bootleg anime, and you expect at least for it to play in your fetching DVD player. I have to admit that this is the first time that my DVD player has made sounds of STRAIN while trying to play a dvd. I mean it makes the hummy noises, that are normal, but it whirrs and chokes like death is at it’s door. It’s slightly fitting that the anime i’m trying to play is called Slayers isn’t it?

*sighs* Enough of the complaining about my anime that i’ve been waiting a week to watch, but now however cannot because of the crappiness of the quality. *grrs*

I went to see Brother Bear with Artemis and Dateless (or Undateless, if that makes any sense) The mouth and his ex…. while it felt nice to go and hang out with them, and i was quite pleased that Artemis invited me to come along– the movie BLEW. I think Disney has gone quite downhill, involved too deeply within macabre story lines. Certainly they have stopped producing children’s films and now simply produce them for the necrophiles of the world. It was nice that it was just the five of us in the theatre so we could scream at how stupid it was. The only redeeming part to the film were the canadian Elk (I think they were elk– or caribou i guess… which ever. Moose?? I have no clue… i’m wild animal illiterate) who were a blast. They made you laugh, and forget how dirty you felt watching a film where two of the main characters die within the first half an hour. Happies.

I THOUGHT I lost another contact down the drain… I really did. Then I was sewing today and my brother found it, on the counter. Damn thing went all invisible when it hit the counter, so I couldnt’ find it, i figured it had gone down the drain like it’s predecessor.

Lets see– Um. Poor Marco has Pneumonia (which is quite a kick since I had it too back in the day.) and I made him soup, and his wife some brownies. It was nice to see him, even if it was for five seconds before i had to scoot off to work (which went nicely…)

Anyway– I’m off to see if the nice customer service people are going to take the dang anime back….

Derringer Meryl [No Pride in Workmanship] Out

is it just my imagination, that if you get away from an addiction, and even flirt with the idea of going back to it, it’s got you in a grip tigher than one of JLo’s dresses?

Yeah. That’s the way it is. It sucks you back in. *sighs*

Poor Mouth. The Mouth. The Mouth I hate and usually despise, or at least loathe. (At the Very Least) He got ditched by his girlfriend after them spending two years of their life together. I guess he really didn’t see it coming. *shakes her head* I wish heartbreak on no one. Being betrayed like that…. can hurt worse than anything. *frowns* I’ve had my own share of “I care, he doesn’t” relationships. It’s really rather annoying. I did one relationship like that for ten months and nearly killed myself (no joke), so the idea of doing it for two whole years, and then having to live– it’s hard. Apparently she just wants to see if what they have is real– like to see if their relationship will last.

I think that’s crap. I think it’s stupid to back away from a perfectly fine relationship and say “Hey, want to screw this up as much as we can by dating other people??” I mean YEAH you’re going to be attracted to other people. Good Grief. I mean, Even during my relationships I find other people attractive, I just don’t chase any tail. IT’s how it goes. So the idea of splitting up a successful relationship because you “aren’t sure if it’s working” is some lame scape goat excuse so you can get out of a relationship you’re obviously afraid of.

Buckle down, Batten the Hatches, and face your FREAKISH fears, okay? I’m afraid of going to college. Like going there. Being there makes me ill. Passing people on the walkways makes me depressed, and going to class takes a will of Iron (I have a will of Aluminum foil, so I dont’ go to class) But in January, I’m going to go full time. I’m buckling down, and i’m doing it. I don’t wanna, but I hafta. So there. Do it. Do what you don’t want to.

I’m not saying stay in an abusive relationship, and I’m not saying stay in a relationship where there’s no chemistry, but don’t bail because you’re bored. Trust me if you’re bored, your significant other, is five times as bored as you. Spice things up, try something new. And if you’re BOTH still bored, seek some help–

Giving up is for Sissies.

Derringer Meryl [stupid vortex of love] Out

LYRIC SPEWAGE

Amsterdam, Guster

I threw away your greatest hits

You left them here the day you split

Your bass guitar and shaggs CD

Well they don’t mean that much to me right now

I’m going through your things

These days, I’m changing all my strings

I’m gonna write you a letter

I’m gonna write you a book

I wanna see your reaction

I wanna see how it looks

From way up on your cloud

Where you’ve been hiding out

Are you getting somewhere?

Or did you get lost in Amsterdam?

You won’t get too far from me

believing everything you read

You’re wasted in the great unknown

and I am getting ready to dispose

of all your vintage clothes

Your drugs and every secret code

I’m gonna write you a letter

I’m gonna write you a book

I wanna see your reaction

I wanna see how it looks

From way up on your cloud

Where you’ve been hiding out

Are you getting somewhere?

Or did you get lost in Amsterdam?

From your red balloon you were

a super high tech jet fighter

Floating over planet earth

Come back down here, I’ll show you where it hurts

Take this bitter pill

Is it easy to swallow?

I’m gonna write you a letter

I’m gonna write you a book

I wanna see your reaction

I wanna see how it looks

From way up on your cloud

You’re never coming down

Are you getting somewhere?

Or did you get lost in Amsterdam?

Okay, so the explanation behind this– there are some people in your life you write off as jerks, or complete flakes, and then, someone like that, comes along, and surprises you. Does something out of the ordinary, for them, and impresses you. You’re certain they won’t ever do something that nice, or wonderful again, and you don’t know why it happened, but hell, you aren’t one to look a gift horse in the mouth, right?

Random Acts of Kindess

I believe in them. Regularly practice them. Everyone needs a fucking pick-me-up occasionally, ya know? A present, a cookie, a letter, something that shows you that someone, besides your family, cares that you exist. It gives you a warm fuzzy, they feel good, and HELL, who doesn’t need to feel good?

I did a RAoK on saturday…. I don’t know what possessed me, honestly, I just said, “Hey, they need me a pick me up, they need to feel good, and so, they will.” (it was Gert actually, that i did it to.) I was having an uber shitty day, and i needed to feel good, i needed the little warm fuzzy, and i needed to do something for someone else. Sure, He’s not destitute, or starving or anything, but Cheeze and rice, people who are okay, need positive affirmation too. everyone does, and if every person would just get off their lazy ass, and do something for someone else, even tiny things, it’d be a billion times better to live in this fucking world. 🙂 I know i was in a MUCH better mood after RAoK-ing Gert. 🙂

Anyway, the song is about cleaning out another person’s stuff from your apartment (room, whatever) and how he’s going to get all of his frustrations off of his chest by writing a letter to the SOB that left the stuff at his house. He guesses he got lost in Amsterdam (Note: This is personal interpretation…) And that has to deal with this past saturday, I just felt like going insane. Stuff around the house was going crazy, and then my friend (former roommate, and what not, I don’t even know….) comes back, after telling me she was done trying to make our relationship work, and that was that. So I cleaned her stuff out, this past week, and then she shows up, (In a friendly manner) and picks some of it up, apologizing and what not. Because i was on my RAoK high, or other reasons unbeknownst to me, I took her back. Without thinking too much about it. *shrugs* So that’s the lyric spew story…. the end.

Derringer Meryl [Id like a date in payment] Out

Don’t ask me why my mind is where it is– but it is.

and no, for once in my life, it isn’t in the gutter.

I’ve just been listening to my music (depressing mostly) and I was thinking about Red coming to visit next weekend, and i’ve already mentioned how excited I am– and i was thinking

what if, God Forbid, this was the last time we spent together? What if she didn’t even make it to my house, and she never completely understood how much I love her, and value her, as a person and a friend. Then I was thinking, what if we got into a fight this weekend, and something bad happened while she was driving back, we’d never get to work it out. *sighs* and i can just see myself crying, these horrible huge tears, screaming at Monkey, that it’s his fault, that it was his fault that i didn’t get to say i was sorry. That it was okay….. and I can see myself, pretending again. Pretending to be happy when a horrible loneliness was eating at me inside, and I could see Gert asking me if I needed some time off, and me cheerily answering “What for? Did something happen?” and just hiding from the fact I had lost my best friend forever.

and Monkey wanted to switch me shifts, so i’d work saturday, instead of friday (which sucks that i have to work the weekend at all, but i suppose Red will rest on Friday night, and we can party all day long Saturday!… unless she has plans… But, we can party ALL of our allotted time! WAHOO!) and at first, i bent to his will… I said “sure Monkey, whatever you say monkey!” Because i’m me, and completely spineless. Then I called him back, and said “Actually Red is coming up that weekend, and i would really rather spend my time with her than covering your shift… so you can wait to go and kill deer until sunday… okay? Right.” I’m a little slow at it– but I’m getting my priorities right again, cause:

If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends,

Make it last forever friendship never ends,

If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give,

Taking is too easy, but that’s the way it is.

Something like that. But Like I said before, there just isn’t anyone in this world at this point in my life, who i really want to shag. Be happy for me. My hormones are now under control. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [Spice Girls aren’t evil] Out

I’m feelin’ a little down. I had a friend of mine over yesterday, and we hung out, and stuff, it was fun–

one of the things we did was reminisce– about Graduation Night. She was one of my special presents– she came over for My Graduation, special. She watched me graduate from way high up some place– and then we went out to rent a movie… with monkey.

I guess that’s where the pangs begin. That’s where the “I should have” feeling starts, and it just keeps going. I shouldn’t have been such a dumbass….. i should have been nicer, i should have let go faster, i should have …. been better, done better, smiled more, kept my insides to myself….

*whispers* i should have been better about Red liking him.

I still have issues about that. But I really need to let go. Monkey wasn’t mine, isn’t mine, won’t ever be mine. I should just push him out of my mind– but still I cling to the memories i have– maybe it’s because he’s the first guy to actually treat me decent. to be kind to me, and do things for me, without expecting some kind of action out of me later on that night. And maybe i screwed up so much because– because his honest kindness towards me confused me. Boys aren’t supposed to be nice — they’re supposed to be jackasses, so i can move on faster, so i can stop loving them, and feel okay. And maybe i could let go of him– if i was able to hate him for something. But i’m not. Sure, things that have happened hurt, but — i don’t blame him. I blame myself. I’m not what he wants, that’s not his deal, it’s not even a deal, it’s just a fact. So I can’t hate him for it… can’t hate him for not being attracted to me that way. It’s just a thing. A fact.

I let go of J-Bob so much faster, maybe it’s because i knew i never had a chance with J-Bob. I knew it wouldn’t work out. We were so different…. are so different– but i feel light headed still when i talk to him. *shakes her head*

I’m still in the high school frame of mind. Thinking that ‘liking’ a guy is enough to make a lasting relationship on. Not common interests, or anything like that.

Which reminds me, my friend Lynn (who was the friend i was reminiscing with) has common interests with Gert. Maybe I’ll see what i can do with that….

And I bet you’re wonderign why i’m setting up my friends with guys I like. Well. I’ve come to the decision, no one would be happy with me anyway, so i’ll pair friends with friends, and see what happens…. I”m no Miss Match, but whatever. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [Got Gadittude?] Out