Undone

2003-10-15 – 1:02 a.m.

Up late, i know, Shame on me. YOu can beat me with a ruler later on, okay? Blah, I was just watching a little Love Hina in the form of a AMV (anime music video) to the song “I’m like Yeah, but she’s all no” It’s really good… 🙂

and i admit, i’m the typical girl, who watches Love Hina and says “Where The Hell is my Keitaro? Why doesn’t anyone love me enough that i beat them to a pulp and they still love me?” (Whether that beating is emotional or physical, doesn’t really matter in this case.) Then I think about it, how many Keitaro’s have i chased off by my abrasive words and actions, HELL attitude?

This is where the inner war starts… Good Me, Evil Me

Anyone would run away from the way you act. The way you act is completely condescending to the ‘Keitaro’ type. You’re rude, and you stop their advances before they even start.

But what is a ‘Keitaro’ boy without his ‘Naru’ Girl? Nothing? That’s the true test of his love, will he stand her abrasive attitude towards him because of his feelings for her.

Abrasive attitude? Excuse me, we like to call that abuse.

Good for you. In the end, Keitaro ends up with the girl who was just scared of her feelings, that’s why she was being rude to him. Besides, it’s not abusive, it’s self defense mechanisms. Naru is protecting herself from a particularly emotionally painful situation. That’s all.

I see. So what your saying, is that if a person has certain pre-set reactions to certain behaviors, it’s okay if it becomes abusive?

Shall we look up the word abuse? *coughs and pulls her Dictionary out* “Abuse: improper or excessive use or treatment.” Protecting yourself from what you precieve to be a dangerous situation is not abuse. She does not take advantage of the fact that he loves her– except that one time she made him spend all of his money– but that was because he asked her on a date, and then didn’t want to buy lunch…

Uh-Huh, Right, except that one time, she invited him into her room, and then punched him out.

His PANTS were around his legs. IT was sheer coincidence on his part, but still, threatening situation for Naru, and she reacted accordingly. As you are by protecting yourself from men. You know what they want. You’ve seen it before– it’s okay to protect yourself from what you perceive to be a bad situation….

Whatever. You’re on Crack.

I know I’m right.

Who would have thought it– the devil won again! 😀

Derringer Meryl [superiors all around] Out

Don’t ask me why my mind is where it is– but it is.

and no, for once in my life, it isn’t in the gutter.

I’ve just been listening to my music (depressing mostly) and I was thinking about Red coming to visit next weekend, and i’ve already mentioned how excited I am– and i was thinking

what if, God Forbid, this was the last time we spent together? What if she didn’t even make it to my house, and she never completely understood how much I love her, and value her, as a person and a friend. Then I was thinking, what if we got into a fight this weekend, and something bad happened while she was driving back, we’d never get to work it out. *sighs* and i can just see myself crying, these horrible huge tears, screaming at Monkey, that it’s his fault, that it was his fault that i didn’t get to say i was sorry. That it was okay….. and I can see myself, pretending again. Pretending to be happy when a horrible loneliness was eating at me inside, and I could see Gert asking me if I needed some time off, and me cheerily answering “What for? Did something happen?” and just hiding from the fact I had lost my best friend forever.

and Monkey wanted to switch me shifts, so i’d work saturday, instead of friday (which sucks that i have to work the weekend at all, but i suppose Red will rest on Friday night, and we can party all day long Saturday!… unless she has plans… But, we can party ALL of our allotted time! WAHOO!) and at first, i bent to his will… I said “sure Monkey, whatever you say monkey!” Because i’m me, and completely spineless. Then I called him back, and said “Actually Red is coming up that weekend, and i would really rather spend my time with her than covering your shift… so you can wait to go and kill deer until sunday… okay? Right.” I’m a little slow at it– but I’m getting my priorities right again, cause:

If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends,

Make it last forever friendship never ends,

If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give,

Taking is too easy, but that’s the way it is.

Something like that. But Like I said before, there just isn’t anyone in this world at this point in my life, who i really want to shag. Be happy for me. My hormones are now under control. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [Spice Girls aren’t evil] Out

I want to do this and that

Hey, that’s just how girls are

One slip and it’s to hell you go

So you’d better not get in my way

Aren’t lyrics amazing things? I know, i moon over them a lot. but… song is one of the many ways to truely express how you’re feeling. And it just so happens, if you’re feeling one way, someone who has written a song, has felt that way before too. Like the song this is taken from isn’t even in english, that’s the translation! It’s from the opening song to Slayers, a New anime that i’m entranced with…. I know, it’s like i have a new Anime/song each week, but I suppose if I had a new song and Anime to be taken with each week, i’d never waste a minute of my life. 😀

*coughs* Oh, and about Liz Phair’s lyrics. Sometimes the person you decide to …. relate to, has more… emotions to express in a song… than you do. *smiles nicely* I have the confidence to say, there isn’t a person that i’d actually sleep with in the world right now. : Honest.

I’m completely looking forward to seeing Red next week. I don’t know how much time she plans on spending with me, but if anything happens that we can’t, it sure as hell won’t be because i’m blowing her off…. *blinks* That came out wrong. Blah. Basically, i’m setting the whole damn weekend aside, so i can see Red. That’s that. Oh. and If you’re reading this Hun, I have some wicked things we need to do to Monkey. *smirks* secretly of course. It just wouldn’t be as much fun if he did know. 🙂

*sighs* Have i expressed my concern over him? Monkey that is. He worries me, and …. i probably shouldn’t so much. He’s a grown up, and he can take care of himself. I suppose it’s not that that’s bothering me. I know he’s very capable, in fact he’s capable of so much, it’s astonishing. …. I just wonder if he’s keeping to himself too much. I do believe (this is an educated guess. I have no clue really) that his only social outings are his jobs, and Halo night. That’s what really concerns me. BLah. I shouldn’t be so concerned, as i said before, he can take care of himself, quite capably.

I watched Down With Love yesterday, and i admit, it’s quite a catchy movie, and the songs stick in your head in a way, you’re just not prepared for. Not to mention that Ewan McGregor is endlessly hot (the only good thing about the new Star Wars, he is.) and has the kind of blue eyes that make my legs turn to Jello. Reminds me of J…. *sighs*

I don’t want to spoil it, but it ends in a manner you wouldn’t expect from the beginning. It’s amazing. You’ll just die, and I admit,there is quite a bit of innuendo, it’s nothing more than you’d get in a high school class… or like what i got in my first day of art class in Jr. High. Scared the Bejezuz out of me. *shakes her head* Anyway…. Renee Zelweger is refreshing and cute in the part, DHP is extremely funny, much like his role as Niles on Frasier… not to mention the idea of all the women in the world, abstaining/refusing sex in order to get their way to the top, is hillarious… I do believe it’s because it leaves men in a weakened position when they have gone so long without what it seems what men need so badly… allowing for the more stable woman to achieve whatever she wants… Maybe it’s sexual bribery, but, i think the idea is smart anyway– and i have to admit, the music, rocks!!

Anyway, I had better go. i have a small asian child pestering me to play Old Maid with him. I’m not quite sure i remember how it’s played, but i do believe it’s similar to the game I Win as outlined in the movie Big Daddy.

Derringer Meryl [Male Dominated Society?] Out

your heart won’t heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures

How true. I hate how i keep doing that. How it goes over and over again in my mind– how i messed it all up– God, i suppose the worst thing is not knowing, if i could have fixed this at all. If I could have had a happier experience, if i had just done one thing, instead of the other. If I hadn’t been so polite to let someone go first and demanded that i went first. What if…. what if…. what if. I’m the what if queen. I guess I spend too much of my time living in unresolved pasts, that don’t, and never will, exist. How sad. To waste your life away wondering what could have been, I hate myself for it. But i suppose that’s nothing new. I only love myself when someone tells me to…

And all this time i’ve been a liar, I always told myself I wasn’t J’s dolly, for him to fling around. For him to make a fool of, to laugh at, to hug then hurt, I told him that. That I wasn’t for him to hurt. I was lying then. I am a dolly. I’m someone you’re supposed to play with, toy with my little heart to see the reactions, then when you’re bored, throw me away for a new one… That’s the way it goes. And I try so hard to say “I am woman, hear me roar! I have power! I am a Person! You must listen to me!” What lies. I say them to myself, and no one else….

I stopped taking my medication after Graduation– probably because i was on such a natural high. I was involved, I was free of what was dragging me down, and i was free to do what I want. Free…. *laughs* Yeah. I guess i didn’t need pills. I was so happy. I had what I wanted, what i needed. I was so careless to let it slip through my fingers. What a Prat I am. *sighs*

Right, enough of that. I’m sure you’re very tired of hearing me whine, i’m fairly sure everyone is. That’s all i do anymore anyway. See?? There I go again.

I don’t fit in with my family, i don’t fit in with my co-workers, i don’t fit in anywhere. Blah. The world seems bleak. I need something that is bright and shiny to look at, so i can smile again.

I need to get out of this damned town, and away from all of the memories it holds.

Derringer Meryl [Trapped with no light] Out

I’m feelin’ a little down. I had a friend of mine over yesterday, and we hung out, and stuff, it was fun–

one of the things we did was reminisce– about Graduation Night. She was one of my special presents– she came over for My Graduation, special. She watched me graduate from way high up some place– and then we went out to rent a movie… with monkey.

I guess that’s where the pangs begin. That’s where the “I should have” feeling starts, and it just keeps going. I shouldn’t have been such a dumbass….. i should have been nicer, i should have let go faster, i should have …. been better, done better, smiled more, kept my insides to myself….

*whispers* i should have been better about Red liking him.

I still have issues about that. But I really need to let go. Monkey wasn’t mine, isn’t mine, won’t ever be mine. I should just push him out of my mind– but still I cling to the memories i have– maybe it’s because he’s the first guy to actually treat me decent. to be kind to me, and do things for me, without expecting some kind of action out of me later on that night. And maybe i screwed up so much because– because his honest kindness towards me confused me. Boys aren’t supposed to be nice — they’re supposed to be jackasses, so i can move on faster, so i can stop loving them, and feel okay. And maybe i could let go of him– if i was able to hate him for something. But i’m not. Sure, things that have happened hurt, but — i don’t blame him. I blame myself. I’m not what he wants, that’s not his deal, it’s not even a deal, it’s just a fact. So I can’t hate him for it… can’t hate him for not being attracted to me that way. It’s just a thing. A fact.

I let go of J-Bob so much faster, maybe it’s because i knew i never had a chance with J-Bob. I knew it wouldn’t work out. We were so different…. are so different– but i feel light headed still when i talk to him. *shakes her head*

I’m still in the high school frame of mind. Thinking that ‘liking’ a guy is enough to make a lasting relationship on. Not common interests, or anything like that.

Which reminds me, my friend Lynn (who was the friend i was reminiscing with) has common interests with Gert. Maybe I’ll see what i can do with that….

And I bet you’re wonderign why i’m setting up my friends with guys I like. Well. I’ve come to the decision, no one would be happy with me anyway, so i’ll pair friends with friends, and see what happens…. I”m no Miss Match, but whatever. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [Got Gadittude?] Out