Undone

I have to do this quick, cause i have computer conflictions….

But I did it.

I finally did it. I gave him my internet addy. He might not get it, i left it on his car, but– well the chances are high.

The rest of the entry is in case he should actually get here:

Dear “You”-

You’re here, despite my fears. I gave you my addy, and trust me, the whole time I was asking myself why i felt the need to do it.

Because I can’t spend my life in regret. I know you’re older than me, and you’re also enjoying the single scene….. I however, am not. But I have some important things to tell you before you read the previous entries

I am a lonely girl. You can tell by the title of my site, and this very diary. But I want to tell you, you’re cute. You’re so cute, you’re funny, and you’re one of the few people who makes me feel my age. Not Thirty-one, or five, my age. Me, you make me feel like me. I’m natural when i’m around you.

You’ve introduced me to new ideas, and i like that. You’ve proven on several occasions that Coke is better than Dr. Pepper. You let me hang out with your group, let me hang out with you at your party. I appreciated that beyond all words, even the most eloquent speakers would be left without words at the expression of my appreciation.

Thank you for listening to me rant. I do it a lot, and I appreciate that when I do, i only get a slight tease, and not a lecture. That’s something that’s important. It’s something I appreciated.

When you read some of these entries, I can’t even depict what i was thinking. all I can hope is that you remember what it was like to be a teenager, and that you’ll have some sort of mercy on me.

Here’s the hard part. Yes, I like/d you. I’m currently recovering.

The thing I’m most afraid of is not rejection, but the loss of the comfort that we have around each other now.

After, or if, you read this please just say this to me:

+*=^%Pancakes taste good by Gardinias%^=*+

Say that, and just that, and let us keep going on the way we are.

Please?

Derringer Meryl [She was queen for about an hour] Out

I figured I’d post a real entry, instead of just lyrics to how i was feeling.

I bought the Our Lady Peace CD today. It’s called Gravity. I have fallen in love, how sad.

Some people might be confused at that statement… I can’t blame them, tv glorified the idea. I fell in love with love at a young age because of movies like Cinderella and Snow White. I spent my Elementary years looking for my Prince Charming, when I should have focused on more important things like…. Umm… Subtraction and what not.

I wanted so bad to be happy. I wanted to live in my own little castle, with my husband, and leave my house.

That hasn’t changed, I still yearn to leave my house.

I suppose that’s sad. I know I have it great here. I know that my parents love me, but that doesn’t mean i can deny the abusive tenancies…. that surround my childhood and life today. It’s not something I want to focus on, but the sooner I find that fetching prince the better. He’ll be my one way ticket out of here.

Sure that wasn’t what Cinderella was thinking when she went to the ball, but you can’t tell me she didn’t want to leave her home.

My head is light, and my eyes are heavy. I don’t want to sleep though, i know what i’ll dream about and it’s not something i’m really looking forward to. It hurts to dream. No I take that back, it doesn’t hurt to dream it hurts to wake up from the dream. It aches in my body to shake myself from the nightly delusions of splendor to the drab appearance of reality.

It saddens me. Everything does. Even things that once made me happy. all that makes me happy now is reading stories and watching movies.

I was never an active girl, so it’s okay with me that i literally fry in the sun.

OHHHH i’m sure you think that’s a joke, that i don’t really fry in the sun. Well here’s a reality check, I do. I would die if i spent more than three hours in the sun. Okay, Die is an exaggeration. I’d get deathly ill, and if it wasn’t taken care of quickly, THEN i’d die. So the whole basking in the sunlight with my love, is dashed all to hell.

I wouldn’t mind spending time in the sun with someone I really loved. I mean, Really really really loved. Someone who was persistent enough in their love of me, they’d make sure I’d get water, even though I’m a ditz. They’d watch me drink it…. make sure i was okay.

They’d hold my hand in the shade when I got dizzy.

Enough of that. I really don’t feel like imagining scenes that will never happen. Not with HIM nor with anyone.

No one makes me feel complete. Not yet anyway. They make me feel nice, and stuff… but not… complete.

I want to be complete. I feel like I’m walking around with half my mind in another body. I want to have someone finish my sentences, and not feel all funny and stupid about it after wards.

Did I mention I have a vivid imagination? I can see these scenes in my head. I can see them play out, and I can almost feel the breeze on my face, and my hair lightly moving around my face…… leaning against a large tree in a park, as I watch them play…. they’re playing Horse… You know the basketball game where you spell out horse, I never understood that game.

I want someone to remove the imagination portion of my brain. If you can do that, Please…. email me.

Derringer Meryl [Thought that I was going crazy] Out

(*+=Pancakes taste good with Gardinias=+*)

thought i’d post more about my fourth, cause in long and short– it was odd.

I did go to the BBQ. it was great, I met new people. they were…. more my ‘age’ if that makes sense, since the lot of them were older than me, but they acted with maturity and immaturity, so it balanced, like me.

Bummer I left (now i know) three hours before the party was over. I got to watch some of the fire works. It was nice, because I got to hang out with all of these new people.

(Oh the lameness) My parents, yes both of them, came and picked me up from the party, in our white minivan, known affectionately as the BMW. (Big-Mormon-Wagon) I left and waved bye to all the new people I met, and my shirt (as it was a little short) showed my stomach. sue me, I dress like a hoochie when I’m around certain people.

Well that flipped my Dad’s lid, and I got a talkin’ to on the way home. I did not enjoy this. He ended up walking home since he got out of the car and insisted that he walk.

At that time it was fine by me.

I wanted to get out too, go to Wyoming, where my best friend lives, or just run and hide somewhere. I thought about where I could go when things sucked it a lot….

I realized that there weren’t many places I could go.

That scared me. I thought about going back to HIS house. That was out. Total impose-ment.

I thought where I could go if my dad had the next day off of work (ie Friday) The only solution:

Work

I know it seems odd, but i realize now, and then, that work is the only haven i have from this harsh world. While that seems odd because work is normally the place where you get a harsh dose of reality, i feel my safest there, and I love being there.

I don’t know what i’m going to do when I get transferred.

Probably Cry

No doubt.

But as luck would have it, Dad had work the next day. I woke up for my bike ride, and then slept till two-ish.

For the first time I had double bags under my eyes.

My mom pointed out to me that most girls wouldn’t be proud of that. I say bah, bags are nothing…. it was the squelching headache that killed me.

I went into work, for a minute or two, to get my check. I thanked *HIM* for inviting me to the party, cause I was grateful, my family played chicken foot (dominoes) all night. It was, to say the least, less than exciting. I showed them my double bags under my eyes…. I didn’t tell them that I got them from crying, I’ll tell them later, when my mom isn’t around.

I didn’t have to hide out all day, but I know that hanging out there, is my favorite thing to do.

Odd ne?

Oh, and if *HIM* or You, since I’m addressing *HIM* directly– well if you come here, stumble upon it in some sort of — well accident….

tell me something… say something. say “pancakes taste good by gardenias” for all I care– just say something.

Derringer Meryl [Devil in Desguise] Out

Well I went to the barbecue

I enjoyed it… But I think it finally cured me of my crush…

Sure I still like HIM and all, he’s a great guy..

Very cute, Very funny, we still get along

But I realize now that I was deluded, and I can’t give something that I love so much up, just for a guy. (IE my religion) I don’t expect a guy to give it up for me. I understand that now

I’ll still like him.

But I think I’ll find someone else to crush on for now.

Derringer Meryl [Killing me Softly]

Roller Coaster…

OW- Of love.

Okay, so you’re not getting the whole picture with this, are ya? Well ya know. I’m the singing type. (Thus the reason lyrics to various songs are always spewed amid random thoughts) Roller coaster of love is classic.

*swoons*

He said I could go to his barbecue. I CAN’T go, cause there’ll be drinking and we have ‘family’ plans, but i COULD go, otherwise.

COULD– as in, if I were normal instead of the peculiar girl I am, I COULD go and make out with who ever the monkey I wanted. I could go, and I could flirt, and I could talk–

*sighs* But I”m not a normal girl. I’m the whacky patacky girl who can’t do those things.

Cause I’m moral and upright and whatever. I just — wish that he could see me… see me for more than just some girl he works with who falls down a lot….. See me as — as…

As a woman- Someone he could date, and tell his stories to, and laugh with….

*meekly* and kiss.

is that so much to ask?

I suppose it is. My heart can’t stand this. I wonder if he sees me. It takes alot of guts to say some things… like: “What kind of relationship do we have?” or just the plain old confession of: “Hey, I really like you, and I would like it if you really liked me….”

Man those are lame. I’ll go wallow in hours of Buffy Fanfiction– and

and….

being lonely.

Today he was saying sometimes he misses dating people, well girls– you know.

it was all i could do to keep myself from saying…. “I could help you feel better.”

Lame-o

Derringer Meryl [You don’t love me, the way I wish you would] Out