Undone

One week until my happy winter break freedom is ripped ever so cruelly from my hands.

Can you tell that i dont’ like school? I mean, i like SOME of it, and the classes i’m taking i really hope i’m going to like… i’m a little scared of one of them, my serious career class (on the third floor of the building i’m going to) mainly because i don’t know what to expect. It’s just… going to be interesting. I hope i don’t make some kind of fool of myself. I can see that seriously happening. But ya know… 🙂 Things happen.

I finally finished Silent Hill 3 which i have to say was possibly the most horrifying experience of my entire life. Most of the noises in it, are shocking, freakish, and don’t go away like you’d hope they would. The walls bleed in a frightening manner, and while you’d hope this is all an acid trip the characters in the game (the villians at least) proclaim the world of death and horrifying blood and gore to be one that “god” has created. I use god in the most loose of terms, not meaning the God that I worship, but the unnamed destruction loving raised and bred from hatred type of god that they mention in the game. Blah. Enough about the religion of the game, because it’s not really BASED on any REAL religion that i know of, or that is socially accepted in this world…. but the scariness level, is extremely high. Very little time is spent on the streets of Silent hill, which is nice because it’s hard navigating through the very thick fog of what is presumed to be white claudia… One thing that is heavily woven into the morbid tapestry of Silent Hill is the Hospitals. Especially Hospital Cruelty. and that coincides with the fact that anyone can be bought or lied to. Hence the fact that the girl named “Alessa” was kept alive though she was a heavily burned corpse for seven years… Blah. The storyline is complicated, and intricate. I do believe that’s why i enjoy it so thoroughly. I enjoy a good storyline. I love to be enthralled by a webbed story. Yes. A good story is what (to me usually) makes a good video game. Silent Hill (Either three or the rest of the series) is one of the best.

You know that phrase Speak of the Devil and he shall appear? Well, it’s not necessarily nice to say it to one of your friends. Cause i mean, being call the devil, otherwise known as the father of all lies, isn’t always… uh– flattering. But see, I have this mouth. It says things, and i don’t mean them…. Mou. I’m bad. I’m bad at keeping things inside that should be kept inside.

and the words I’m Sorry are beginning to be trite, and overused, when it comes to me and my friend. And that makes me sad.

But I can say, the feelings are gone. I’ve moved on. And I have someone who makes me happy. and then …

i’m going to look stunning. Not cute. Not pretty. I’m going to look gorgeous, fabulous and breath-taking.

And Taken

Derringer Meryl [Waxing Poetic] Out

Oi. Life hates me. Want to see?

Barbie is being sold at an insane price, here on Ebay, Mom says she’ll help me bid on it tomorrow. 🙂 Huzzah. 🙂 So, happy for that. Then, Inuyasha’s second part is being sold now. I thought i’d have to wait until February to get the newest one. I’m so excited. That means a whole bunch of Ram will be freed on my computer once I can afford that. Psh. *coughs* and THEN There’s Full Metal Panic (FMP) and Full Metal Panic Fumoffu (only the first eight episodes, but STILL) why does this all show up after Christmas?

Mou!

All this stuff, and I have books to buy. While some people say “Don’t buy them” But then again– i’m not very good at studying without them. HOnest. I have no work ethic. Not to mention– I sorta want to. So, tomorrow I’m going to go buy a basket load of books (nine) adding up to about $350. Fun, eh? And I’m excited, Just because I’m spending a whole paycheck, and then some.

Oi. And it’s not on anything fun, nope, just… stuff.

Derringer Meryl [School Prospects] OUt

I passed!

i wish i could show you all the official everything about me passing my Math class, but unfortunately, i’d give too much info about myself away! *laughs maniacally*

Yes, I passed my Math 101 class with flying freakin’ colors (otherwise known as a B)

Isn’t that amazing? I’m so excited….

I was talking with monkey tonight (technically the eighteenth) and we were talking about the Holidays and Gert’s sudden mood swings. I honestly think it’s because he’s romantically alone for the holidays. (Though honestly– he COULD be otherwise, but he’s just too dang stubborn for his own good. Ya know?) Monkey says it’s no fun being alone for the holidays– but I honestly have to disagree.

I’ve always been Happy at Christmas time (i’m Christian, I celebrate Christmas, so… there.) It’s my birthday (ish, a few days after Christmas) and it’s Christmas. Sure, I’ve never had a relationship like Gert has at Christmas, so i cant’ miss what i never had…. but– It’s just the way– *shrugs* I don’t know how to explain it– Christmas to me is about being a kid. Feeling like a kid. And when you’re involved in a relationship– that doesn’t promote kid like things. There’s serious things. Like commitment and Love and … devotion. I guess adults make those kind of things complicated. So maybe love is better at Christmas time. I don’t know.

Honest. I’ve only experience unrequited love at Christmas, so i wouldnt’ know.

But Since people seem to need some cheering up around this time of year, let me leave you with this: SakuraSaku Roughly Translated it’s “Cherry Blossom Blooming”

On the roof, looking at the sky, the sun’s light is warm and gentle

When I look at the sky my entire body is filled with energy

THAT’S SO WONDERFUL! I am living

I can’t quit it! I can’t give up

Good bye to the bewildered yesterday

My feelings are springing up

I can bring them up many times, let a flower blossom

Memories are sweet hiding places

Live to see another day

One day a blessing will come, Stretch out your hands

The sunlight that swims the sky over the roof is glorious

When I look up at the sky, happiness is filled throughout my body

THAT’S SO WONDERFUL! I am living

I can’t quit it! I can’t give up

Daily life is like an angry wave

A cycle of heaven and hell

I can bring it up many times, let a flower blossom

Run, run until you find love

If I was to suffer, let it continue

One day a blessing will come, Stretch out your hands

Good bye to the bewildered yesterday

My feelings are springing up

I can bring them up many times, let a flower blossom

Memories are sweet hiding places

Live to see another day

One day a blessing will come, Stretch out your hands

Stretch out your hands, Rise up both your hands!

I have that hanging over my bed here at home. 🙂 It helps me calm down when I’m all grump-i-ed out. I’m planning on giving it to Gert for Christmas with his present. :S I hope he understands.

Derringer Meryl [Memories are sweet Hiding places]

*urk* Welcome to Finals Week. It’s not finals everywhere, some places may have finished finals, and others, well– may have not taken them yet (i know BYU hasn’t yet…) All i know is that mine is tomorrow, and i couldn’t be more nervous. I’m trying to remember a few key equations, and i”m just dying to have this over with. *sighs*

I can’t wait for something So much better to come along. I hate math, i dont’ know why i took the bloody class, but i can say that i’m glad that it’s done. Today though, i’m going to relax a little. First off, I’m not feeling too well, and i’m going to do something that’s rare for my blog, i’m going to not only lyric spew, but i’m going to break it down. Word yo….. Just as soon as i figure out what i’m lyric spew on.

I Love you, Sarah McLachlan

I have a smile

stretched from ear to ear

to see you walking down the road

we meet at the lights

I stare for a while

the world around disappears

And what could be more heart wrenching than feeling like this, and knowing that it can never be willingly returned. Why does life have to be like that?

just you and me

on this island of hope

a breath between us could be miles

let me surround you

my sea to your shore

let me be the calm you seek

I could be. I could be the calm you seek. I could be so close to someone… that it seems insane. I’ve been that close to someone before. It’s amazing the heartwrenching pain that courses through your body when they leave…. not just for a little while, but for good. The way you’re so sure that they mean the things they’ve said, but the knife that was so tactically plunged into your stomach is twisted and explores the inner caverns of your body when you see them…. so openly betraying you.

oh and every time I’m close to you

there’s too much I can’t say

and you just walk away

and I forgot

to tell you

I love you

and the night’s

too long

and cold here

without you

I’ve expressed this before. I’ve expressed how you want to say things to someone…. you want to embrace them and tell them they’re the world…. and you just… can’t. Someone once said it’s rarely a case of can’t and almost surely a case of won’t. But mostly, i’ve concentrated on how lonely the night is without the warmth of another…. you. Without You. (I’m not sure who you is yet… but i hope to find him someday….) But people seem so far away, trapped in their own little shells, afraid to feel emotions… afraid… because they know life isn’t a fairy tale…. and they’re afraid of how life will be if it doesn’t end like Cinderella’s….

I grieve in my condition

for I cannot find the strength to say I need you so

oh and every time I’m close to you

there’s too much I can’t say

and you just walk away

People do that. They just leave. And you have so many words buzzing in your brain that you want to say… so many things that would all sound so beautiful if you could just say them at the right time, and the right way …. knowing that the other person loved you simply and kindly as much as you…. and it makes me wince a little knowing that the words wouldn’t be accepted…. by so many. I don’t knowhow i do it. How i keep living after being rejected so often. *laughs* But here I am…. alive and a little worse for wear….. still helplessly falling in love. How sad.

and I forgot

to tell you

I love you

and the night’s

too long

and cold here

without you

And I forgot…. no… i didn’t forget. I never meant to tell you. I knew what you thought of me, from the beginning. I let myself be deluded by my dreams of fairytale grandeur…. You couldn’t accept even the simplest of affections. And that being the way it is…. and me knowing that you and i aren’t… we …. dont’ match up– then why is the night so cold knowing that you’re no where near me?

Derringer Meryl [A little Truth, a Little Fiction] Out

I thought i’d get off my lazy butt and begin my new week of Blogging, sooner better than later, right?

Whatever. I’m trying to be better. I started making my Christmas cards today. 🙂 I think they’re going to turn out fairly well… *shrugs* I really hope they do.

On Wednesday I can start to register for next semester of College. *sighs* I don’t wanna, but i gotsta. Unless someone out there who is reading my blog has a job with great benefits and wages to boot. I guess i can get those after I finish school, right? All I know is that I would be a lot closer to school if i lived more Southernly than I do. *shrugs* I know people there willing to let me shack up with them, but then, it’s really far to work…. *sighs* Unless I got transferred, and God Knows I wouldn’t mind that. 🙂 But I keep figuring that moving stores wouldn’t be the best idea, because i’ll just keep finding new reasons not to date Gert. I’m a chicken. I’m a scaredy cat. … i’m everything like that. 🙂 I know it, i admit to it, and admitting the problem is the first step, right?

Not really, but we can pretend.

I’m one of those people who you have to coax out of their shell. It’s annoying to some people, but honestly, once i know someone, i’m fairly open about how i feel about things. I have to wonder sometimes why I don’t. Why i’m so shy. But I was thinking about it… I was a very hypersensitive kid. I never wore a pair of jeans until i was fourteen, i kid you not. I didn’t like the way they felt against my skin. I didn’t like to be touched, unless i was the one who was starting the touching… like i LOVED to hug, but only when i was the one who started the hug. … i think that explains it a little better…. I didn’t like revealing clothes for a long time, I think my parents were relieved by that…. now days I can’t get enough of showing skin. I don’t dress like a slut, but i have to admit, I show more skin than a lot of LDS girls. *shrugs* It’s not a habit, my temperature fluctuates like crazy, so you’ll see me with a tank top and a sweater on over it…. That’s what i’m wearing currently… heh.

I was a social butterfly, yet i had no friends. I talked to people, ya know? I was friendly and kind, I still am, but I couldn’t say that someone knew all of my deepest secrets. Now days, only three people do, maybe four or five, depending on the deepness and the darkness of the secret. *laughs* People were constantly telling me things, confiding in me, and letting me carry their burdens. Shameful things, things that I had never heard of before. They still do it. I know how it is. You did something, and you have to tell someone, anyone to ease the pressure you feel, and so you tell a friend, and then THEY have the burden. Heh. Isn’t it nice. That’s why a spouse who has been unfaithful tells their significant other, to ease the pain…

Their own private torture. Heh. I deal with my pain, with my penance. It’s something everyone has to do. Deal with the problems in yourlife. I guess my journal is one of the ways i find relief. I’m not PUSHING my burden onto someone, i’m just sorta… sending it out into thin air. *laughs* Or cyber space, what ever. Someone can read it, or it can just sit there and rot, no one knows either way…. *sighs* but then it’s not on my shoulders. Right?

I’ve decided that romance stories (Movies or Fictional Novels) are degrading the social standard. No one canbe like that. Pretty and slim, and sexy, or romantic and dashing. Everyone has those days where you wake up and you jsut don’t feel like getting all pretty, and you feel fat and ugly and no amount of cute clothes or make up can make you feel any different. It’s just the way you feel. *nods* and i have yet to meet a guy who was dashing and romantic who wasn’t already been yearned after by fifty other girls.

Heh. I think I’d like to add something to my list for Christmas, you can say that it’s for my birthday, ok? I’d like One Meaningful Relationship no hassle, no ruckus, nothin’ …. Just something simple and nice.

Derringer Meryl [Staring at the Sun] Out