Undone

You know what my fetching lot in life is?

Doing something completely nice and wonderful for someone just so they can take it for fucking granted that this is what I just “always” do.

LIke this morning for example. I’m going to an interview. I get up at eight thirty, get a shower and get ready… and Scott doesn’t like the fact that I turned the light on, cause it woke him up. I’m doing this interview because he was depressed on Saturday or Friday, and honestly, I don’t want him to be like that. If It hadn’t been for that, i’d still be picking through a bunch of jobs I know i’d like instead of going to interview for some places that everyone I know says they are a pain in the ass.

Why? Why do I try to make people happy?? They never say anything. They are never overjoyed. I think this time It’s because i want the heck out of the basement too. Sure, but *sighs* Do I want out through convergys or myfamily? I don’t know. But damnnit, he could at least say thank you for my effort to try better. :-S

Am I right, or am I just whack?

Derringer Meryl [Whack or wiggity whack] Ou

First off, not all Rollins Band Songs are good (in the lacking of cussing way). Not all of them are my favorite, and I have to admit, they probably all sound like me in one mood or another. My CD player is retarded, and won’t play them (is sad, dang it!) But I like what I heard, and this song really struck me.

Liar, Rollins Band

you think you’re going to live your life alone

in darkness and seclusion… yeah, I know

you’ve been out there and tried to mix with those animals

and it just left you full of humiliated confusion

so you stagger back home and wait for nothing

but the solitary refinement of your room spits you back onto the streets

and now you’re desperate and in need of human contact

and then you meet me and your whole world changes

because everything I say is everything you’ve ever wanted to hear

so you drop all you defenses, and you drop all your fears and you trust me

completely, I’m perfect in every way

’cause I make you feel so strong and so powerfull inside

you feel so lucky

but your ego obscures reality that you never bothered to

wonder why things are going so well

you want to know why?

’cause I’m a liar, yeah, I’m a liar

I’ll tear (rip) your mind up, I’ll burn your soul

I’ll turn you into me, I’ll turn you into me

’cause I’m a liar, a liar, a liar, a liar…

I’ll hide behind a smile and understanding eyes

and I’ll tell you things that you already know so you can say:

I really identify with you, so much

and all the time that you’re needing me is just the time

that I’m bleeding you, don’t you get it yet?

I’ll come to you like an affliction then I’ll leave you like an addiction

you’ll never forget me… wou wanna know why?

I don’t know why I feel the need to lie and cause you so much pain

maybe it’s something inside, maybe it’s something I can’t explain

’cause all I do is mess you up and lie to you

I’m a liar, ooh, I’m a liar

but if you’ll give me another chance I swear I’ll never lie to you again

’cause now I see the destructive power of a lie,

they’re stronger than truth

I ca’t believe I ever hurt you, I swear I will never lie to you again

please, just give me more chance, I’ll never lie to you again, no,

I swear, I will never tell a lie, I will neer tell a lie, no, no

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! Sucker! Sucker! Sucker!

I am a liar, yeah, I am a liar, yeah, I am a liar

I lie you, I feel good, I am a liar, yeah

I lie X4 ooh, I lie, yeah, I lie

I’m a liar, I lie, I like it, I feel good, I like it, and again

I like it again and I’ll keep lying, I’ll promise

You want to know what. I’m gonna have to insert a bit of a rant here. Sorry for those of you who dislike rants. I’d like to hurt a lot of people who are being REALLY stupid. I”m a firm believer in the compassionate way is the right way. I’m a firm believer that making someone you love happy will make you happy.

Can you imagine how much it would disappoint my parents if I told them “Hey, ya, I was thinking, I want to be a bartender.” And I mean, it’s not about the drinks. I want to talk to people. I don’t want to be pretentious and hide behind a degree. I don’t want to hurt my family. I’m not the kind of person who would say “Screw you Mom and Dad, you gave me everything i ever had, and any hopes you have for me have been officially flushed down the toilet. sorry!” I just… don’t want to hurt them like that. I guess the people at work don’t understand that. Don’t understand what love is, or how it works. I’m not sacrificing much. In fact, I’m not really that serious about being a bartender. I don’t really care.

And what I hate more, is people who ACT like they understand. Act like they’re your friends, but ambush you when you don’t want to do something like them “What Meryl, you don’t want to go out and Drink? WHy not? Are you some sort of sissy follower? Your mommy and Daddy get mad?” I feel like smacking the ever so nice friends of mine who maybe don’t PARTICIPATE In the ribbing, but don’t stop it either.

Screw the pansy walking around it. I’m fetching pissed. I don’t care what you do with your life. Do it. Do what you want. Can you not have the same respect for me? Gert sucks (for scheduling me the wrong day), Monkey Sucks (for not standing up for me), Artemis sucks (for always making me feel substandard), but Guts doesn’t. He was gross (IMO) but i always find it funny when he says it. *shrugs* I don’t know why. I suppose it’s because he never directs it at me!

I’m tired of being a target because I appear innocent. I”m tired of being the one everyone goes after because I’m good. I’m not perfect, but i’m not an ubersinner. I’m not my parent’s puppet. I’m not THEIR puppet. All they want is their turn to stick their hands into my strings and play me. I’m done. No more. As I have been repeatedly told, I might have to tell them to stick it where the sun doesn’t shine. :S I’m no one’s puppet. Maybe some opinions that are strong have influenced mine– but I’m fairly “do what you want, I do what i want, and we all can be happy.”

Derringer Meryl [Spanking her inner Moppet] Out

Can i tell you i’m excited? I’m playing D&D this saturday with Scott, and I’m playing an elf (I seriously considered a hobbit, but ended up going with my first choice of Elf) Luckily i’ve read enoug Lord of the Rings Trivia to know some good Human Jokes. Heh. Ah yes, the IMDB is a good thing.

I changed my layout, obviously. I have to keep up with the jones’s, or the Specialist’s whichever. I haven’t changed mine nearly as much as he has, but psh, whatever. This is mostly because i found this elf picture,and it’s pretty cool.

Also in layout news, I figured out how to BOLD My dates and times so it doesn’t just blend in with the entry. Huzzah! I’m actually pretty ashamed of how long it took. I might end up going back and inserting another break between the date and entry. I dont’ know. *shrugs*

I had a good nap, from around ten to one, which is basically when i’m in school. I sluffed today (That is so a local word, if you don’t know what it means, too bad) and stayed home because I have moments of sincere ookiness. *nods, then laughs* I have moments of sincere Willow Channeling. Isn’t that great? If I could be like Pre-Wicca-Lesbian Willow, that’s alright. I wouldn’t mind. 🙂

Some of my contacts lost a brave war today. The war against small children, *shifty eyes* part of me wants them to learn a lesson, part of me knows I should have put them away– and another part of me wants to scream at their parents to watch them more carefully!

I can’t do that though. Mom wants everyone to get along while they’re here. Psh. Those were expensive contacts half a paycheck, Now how much I make isn’t the issue here (though it’s a very small amount) but imagine half of your paycheck just became a child’s play toy, to the point they were ruined.

Happy image, eh?

Then I pointed out to my brother they had trashed several pair, and he says “Yeah, Tht was Ewan” and I was pretty angry. Did he watch him trash them? Or what? I mean, C’mon! If he knows what kid did it, he should have reprimanded them, or something! I’m not hard core into punishing kids. In fact i’m a big sissy. I admit it…. But Ya know, when it gets down to SCREAMING because their parents are inattentive, and TRASHING expensive things…. That’s when it’s time for a fetching intervension. *hmph*

My Buffy Poster (I got it free, it’s my baby) got ruined. Kinda. I can still use it, but it’s getting pretty thrashed. it’s used to being on my door… I had to get a new toothbrush, mine was ever so nicely used in the tub (ew. I’m sorry, but ew.) They drew all over the walls in the extra bedroom (you can guess what i’ll be doing, scrub scrub!) Ruined one or two DVDs. And…. basically made me feeling like i’m living in some sort of wierdo prison.

Don’t get me wrong. I love kids. I just don’t love it when the kids are unruly, and very very VERY bad smelling (trust me) because their parents have decided to be a passive parenting type. i don’t enjoy the fact that nothing can be left out (including food) because “the hoards” can come and swoop them up. Ack!

Blah. i think i’m done Ranting. I’m going to go check on my precious Contacts, in my room, and see exactly how many died in the battle.

Derring Meryl [Saturday is a Special Day] Out

How to get to know yourself, 101.

Um. If i knew how to get to know myself, i’d know myself, and then I wouldn’t spend time thinking about it all the time. It seems like every part of my personality screams “You’re just like….[insert sibling’s name here]” and it just makes me tired. I’m tired of people saying “I wish you were more like The Specialist” or “You write just like Wudan” I’m sick of it. I guess most of it is internal stuff. I’m comparing myself to them. I’m not as good at computers. I don’t’ have the kind of memory for that kind of thing (no pun intended) I don’t have much of a memory at all. I can recall billions of useless things though.

I’m not a good artist Like (realises that her oldest brother doesn’t have a nickname, shrugs it off, and continues) The Specialist, or Dax. I dont’ have an affinity for programming like Wudan. I don’t have a sharp tongue Like The Specialist or Wudan. (Though my oldest brother does have quite the knack for deflating ones self esteem.) I’m not witty, or clever. I dance like a spaz, though i suppose everyone in my family does. I’m not good at Math, Spelling or any of the sciences like Wudan or The Specialist (respectively). My collages look like a frat boy threw up on some porn magazines.

I dont know what makes me special I don’t know what makes me lovable, I don’t know what makes me worth saving…. Thus I don’t fully have an appreciation for what Christ did. Mostly I’m grateful that He died for my friends. I think they’re pretty damn great people, and i’m happy that they’ve been saved. I don’t understand what… makes me so special. What makes me worth the time, the blood and the pain. (as well as a million other things i don’t care to list at the moment)

I’m naive. I’m deathly clean in the dirtiest kind of way. I’m lost, and I’m not sure what makes me so …. worth the time.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not all about to get my switch blade and my razor blades out and begin hacking at myself (it’s not the funnest way to go at it anyway.) I’m not suicidal. I’m obviously alive for a reason, and God knows it. I just wish I knew it too. knew what made me so worth while. I’m all work and no play…. but that seems to be what life has been telling me to be. Work to be better than your brothers. Never make their mistakes. Stay true to the gospel. Feel bad when you do this. (which i never understood why certain siblings were allowed to do things, that i have been forbidden to do BY them. Because falling in love for a Catholic is so deathly wrong. Good grief.) Do good in school. Get a Job when you’re sixteen. Get great grades. Make people laugh. Smile. Put on makeup. Look good, you never know who is watching.

I just… feel like not doing those things. I guess that’s why i’ve been going to school in my pajamas the past few days. Because i’m literally three steps away from having some kind of break down. and I want to tell someone. Someone who can make it stop… Someone who can pull me back. But everyone looks at me and diagnoses me normal. You’re normal. You look normal. You’re fine. You don’t need help.

and i just want to scream at them. I want to say how much I hate them. How much I hate them for saying I’m fine… when I’m not. How much i just want to break down and cry until my perfect mascara ruins my perfect mask.

God — How did I get back here? I was here three years ago. I thought i was keeping it real. But the urge to satisfy others outweighs all. To make Mom happy, dad, Friends, Family, Church goers, Insurance Company.

When was the last time I did something that made me happy?

About seven months.

Derringer Meryl [The Reason] Out

I had to get this out…. Before I burst … or whatever. I’ve discovered when you’re teeming with rage, it’s not really the time when you’re searching out proper english.

I’m not one of those people who are well composed when they’re angry. It’s like some sort of circle that feeds on it’s self. I’m angry at nothing, and I don’t know why… and that makes me more angry.

– I’m angry that it’s my birthday tomorrow…. and I can’t do anything because it’s sunday.

– I’m angry because i’m too stupid to ask the things I want to….

– I’m angry because I’m going to be nineteen, and I’ve never been kissed.

– I’m angry that I’m not closer with my siblings.

– I’m angry that I let my fears control my life.

– I’m angry that so many other people know where they’re going.

– I’m angry that he didn’t keep his promise.

– I’m angry that my life isn’t a fairy tale.

– I’m angry that I can’t control things. I can’t do things to control people.

– I’m infuriated at my writers block.

– I’m frustrated at my social awkwardness.

– I’m confused as to why I let my parents still make choices for me. Even more so because I don’t know what i’d do if they didn’t.

– I’m pissed that people don’t know what they’re missing out on, by passing me by. I’m psychotic, but damn, It’s fun– if you’ll just join the ride.

– I’m angry that I’m psychotic without my medication, so much to the point it seems that no one wants to be around me when i’m not on them.

– I’m angry that i’m forgotten so quickly….. and replaced even faster.

Mostly i’m angry because i’m depressed. Oh No. Not normal depressed. I’ve got to be Bi-polar. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone who has mood swings quite like I do. Who lets things affect me like I do. I don’t know how to distinguish whether i’m normally moody, or chemically unbalanced moody.

I’m not interested in anything. Not video games, Not Buffy, not Angel…. not even shiny Orlando Bloom-y goodness. Doesn’t seem…. intriguing. I mean it does, but I just don’t feel like it.

I’m not suicidal, so put your damn phone down. I’m not in the need of the Boystown hotline, not yet anyway. I don’t think I ever will be. I’ll just convince myself that this is some kind of punishment for my unsavory conduct.

Trust me. I’ve done enough of it to warrant God’s wrath. I dont’ think he hates me, quite the contrary, I think he’s doing this because what I’m doing is wrong. Hates the sin, not the sinner, and all that…..

Don’t try and cheer me up. It’ll just make me more angry. I don’t need your fake friendship now. Maybe you should have tried calling me more? Talking to me occasionally.

No, it wouldn’t have helped. I’m fairly sure this is a damn chemical thing. Still. Having someone to listen would be nice.

Idon’t think i’ve ever felt worse in my life. This ranks right up there after J and I broke up. I feel ugly, none of my clothes fit, and the paranoia reaches all time highs.

and….

and…. I…

I want an exercise bike.

I want to be stunningly thin.

I want to take your breath away.

I want to make every man that ever said NO to me, want to scream yes.

I want to make them take it back.

AndI’ve done it once.

And I can do it again.

Derringer Meryl [After College, then Bike] Out