Undone

*growls* I’m glad that there wasn’t any PESKY guilt or anything building up in RED’s brain about missing my birthday.

I mean, it’s not like it’s a special day, or like this is a special year or anything. It’s not like next year i’ll be out of my teens and i’ll have to be all responsible or anything. Mou. No. It’s NOTHING like that at all.

Yeah. Well, i’m sick of waiting around for her to get off her butt and decide to be my friend again.

One day out of the whole freakish year. She can screw me off the rest of the year. She can think of me as some kind of boorish whore, but my birthday, that’s my freakin’ day. MINE. *growls* and i don’t need this. I don’t need the guilty feeling when i nearly forget her birthday, and go all out anyway, and then get forgotten (second year in a row, ladies and gents) for a little boyfriend.

So you’re serious. Good for you. Huzzah. I hope you’re happy. *waves her hands* Not like …. *sighs*

and now i’m feeling guilty. I know Red is being pulled in twenty million different directions. I know she has a temp job, and she has school, and a real job, and a boyfriend, and a family, and two cute nephews…. and … ISSUES.

but then again– Sakura has a job, goes to a real college (just like Red does) has a family, and she has issues. She’s got her fingers in a bunch of different pies. JUST like Red. And HELL, i dont’ talk to her as much as I do Red– and she remembered my birthday, and even took five minutes out of work, and called. And I wasn’t asking for a damn surprise party, i was asking to be thought of.

and really, is that so much to ask? I mean– just a phone call, or something.

Mou. I guess I’m not worth the fifty cents it takes to call someone now.

Derringer Meryl [Yeah It Really Hurts] Out

Short Rant. Or maybe a long one, Who Knows.

Firstly. I know I whine about being lonely. And the obvious remedy would be to date people– right? Well you’re wrong. I can’t go out and find someone yet. No siree. I refuse to. Last time i was in a mind set like this, I ended up in an abusive relationship. After I got out of that, and waited a year and a half to start the next one– i was paranoid to the point i sabotaged the freakin’ thing. So… Yeah. I need to build my self confidence up before I get myself into dating.

But that doesn’t mean I can’t look. 🙂 Hee hee hee.

That’s not what is really bothering me though…

Today is my birthday. I got a resounding Chorus of “Happy Birthdays” When I went into work for a minute today– but it was only because I had called and ribbed Monkey about not knowing it was my Birthday…. despite the fact i emailed him about it being my birthday, and blogging about it, and what not… i wrote it on the schedule at work. *laughs* Poor Boy.

…. *grumbles* I got a phone call from my fellow Animegrrl, Sakura. She was at work, but remembered it was my birthday (or close to it, but she was smack dab on.) and so decided to call. That’s not the grumbly part. The grumbly part is that Red hasn’t called. Mou. She’s busy, i’m sure. I’d be all mopey about it…. but in the end, I’m probably overreacting. I mean… it’s not like I didn’t dote on her for her birthday, right??

*coughs* Fourty Bucks I wasted. Honest to Jesus.

Mou.

Derringer Meryl [All I ask is a fetching PHONE CALL] Out

Like I said, I went to See LoTR. It’s great. I loved it. I loved going at midnight, and while the movie got started late, it was okay, because i made a potty run right before it started. *nods* We had our ticket stubs checked like… fourty times. I got trompled on by like… the same four kids, twenty times over. I wanted to yell at them… but i didn’t.

I don’t want to give anything about the movie…. but there were a few flubs, that were noticeable– but i’ll leave you to find them for yourself– I don’t want to ruin the movie! I had fun with my co-workers. A few of them dressed up, but not in the way you’d think. Instead of wearing the more traditional cloak and scabbard– they chose to wear decorated underwear on the outside of their pants. It was funny. One of them read “Which Way to Legolas’ Bedroom?” It was cute.

We didnt’ save enough seats– and the i ended up sitting with people i didn’t know– but were with the company and the Mouth’s ex girlfriend. *nods* The guy i was sitting next to found my “I Love you Sam Wise Gamgee!” and “I love you too, Mr. Frodo!” Bit quite funny. 🙂 i waited a while to use it– and in the meanwhile while my neighbor wondered where Aragorn got something from (a torch I do believe) since he didn’t have it before he entered a cave– I theorized he got it from his pocket, where all great heros keep everything. You can fit anything in your pocket when you’re hero. Grenade launchers and torches, and a various assortment of green herbs…. Yep, Hero pockets, they should sell pants like that for the average Joe.

*nods* The Movie was good. If I was in charge of Emmy Nominations– I’d nominate the actor who played Pippin and the actor who played Golum. they were both great. While I enjoyed Legolas (of course, he’s nummy, how could you not?) I agree with Orlando Bloom’s Position on his character. “He’s a Man of few words– he has to get most of what he’s saying across with a look.” And that’s what he does. A fine look, might i add. 🙂 So while he’s a great actor, i don’t think i’d nominate him for anything but “The Hottest Man ALIVE” award. *nods* Viggo Mortensen was good as well– he really stepped up to the roll, and you see his character change from the Ranger, to the King. It’s amazing. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [Could it be any longer?] Out

Ohhh I”m off to see Lord of the Rings: Return of the King…..

Okay, that didn’t have the same ring to it that I’d thinkit would. *nods* Oh well. The thing is, it’s like, six thirty-ish, and i’m off to go stand in line. You may think it’s early for standing in line, but I find it oh so late. Some people from my group went to stand in line at one in the afternoon. Amazing, huh?

I’m glammed, I’ve got contacts, I’ve got Monkey’s SP which he so kindly let me borrow (thank you so much monkey!!) as well as a plethora of games which he also let me borrow (thank you again Monkey!) and several hours to sit on my butt and think about me, and why I am the way I am, a journal to write it in, a flashlight, cd player, cds, various junk foods to eat, and the newest Newtype magazine. 🙂 I’m SO ready. I’m loving every minute of being in line– and of the anticipation of seeing my precious….

Orlando Bloom. Yep, I’m one of the sick fangirls. 🙂 Sue me

Derringer Meryl [I drool at your feet!] Out

Someone should stand by my front door and screen what i wear before I leave the house. I’ve thought that before, since i often wander out of the house in my PJ’s and without my hair done up nicely, and i look a right horrid sight to be seen. But then– THis happens.

I had to hurry off to work for a moment to give Artemis some money to buy my LoTR ticket for me. She and I fall into the Geek check area of watching the movie at midnight when it opens. I count myself lucky to go– but more on that later…. It’s pretty cold outside, so I pull the only sweatshirt that’s clean out of my closet, and pull it on. I arrive at work, after a short five minute drive, and hand my money over to Artemis, and she comments on my sweatshirt. It’s a curious George one, I bought it two years ago, and it reads on the front “(heart) the monkey” One of the part-timers read it aloud, and then I final understood something… That wearing that shirt, was a bad idea. (I bet you thought that it was that I love Monkey, huh? You’re so wrong! of course that WOULD be the obvious teenage answer, but then again, i’m not the obvious teen!) I stuttered for a moment, and commented how i didn’t think of that before I wore the shirt to work.

It’s a mistake I won’t be repeating…. Today is Guts’ birthday. (Guts is a co-worker and friend– he has cute little nicknames for me, and he loves to make me laugh, almost as much as i love to laugh at his jokes.) I don’t know how old he is, but all in all, Happy Birthday to him. I should have made him a card. Shame on me. *frowns* I was supposed to go to Halo Night, and while I would have loved to– It seems like a bad idea. I’m not close with anyone in the group, and honestly– no one seems to care if i’m there or not. *nods* not to mention the right long lecture I’d get for going.

Which makes me wonder, why don’t we do bad things? is it because of the punishment, or is it because it’s wrong?

Faith in Buffy: I could ride you at a gallop until your legs buckled and your eyes rolled up. I’ve got muscles you’ve never even dreamed of. I could squeeze you until you popped like warm champagne, and you’d beg me to hurt you just a little bit more. And you know why I don’t? Because it’s wrong.

Sure, Faith puts it a little… *coughs* crudely, but honestly why don’t we go out and give in to our baser demands….? Why don’t we sleep with everyone and anyone– kill who we can, when we can– hurt everyone…. To paralell Faith:

I could cut you. I could make thin gashes on your skin, all over your body, and you’d sweat because of the pain, and the sweat, would roll into those thin shallow cuts, and cause your entire body to feel as though you’re on fire that cannot be extinguished. Then, after your cuts closed, i’d make ten cuts diagonally along the closed wounds, reopening the original wound, and adding smaller but deeper wounds. I could stick needles underneath your toe nails, and make thick shallow cuts underneath your eyes and your cheekbones, maximizing the pain from the tears you’re crying by this point. I would make you regret every wrong thing you’ve ever done, not to mention the things you did to me. I could make you so sorry– and after i was done, i would make you live with it…. carefully avoiding the arteries.and you know why I don’t? Because It’s wrong.

*blinks* If you’re more than frightened, good. I’m not sure where i channeled that from, but i want you to know I’m scared too. *blinks again* my mind just knows pain, i guess. From months and months of hating someone (J, my first Boyfriend) I’ve thought of millions and billions of ways to make him hurt. Nothing extreme (severing body parts) as that would be too simple. Something permanent, that would teach him that I wasn’t to be stepped on. I dreamed of things like this. I guess that makes me — disgusting… I suppose. That’s why i stopped hating him. IT was killing me, more than it was hurting him. He had long before stopped caring how i felt. Heck, I don’t think he cared during the relationship, which he denies we had one. Makes me look psychotic.

Then again, so does this whole entry.

The point is, every person has dark, AND light. Some people choose to embrace the dark, and some choose to embrace the Light. And some choose to pull from both sides. Every person should be feared, and loved. It’s just.. the nature of things. But– can there be fear in Love?? Not really- but the fear is the natural thing, and the love is the unnatural.

While I have evil thoughts brewing in my brain sometimes, i do tend to lean to the unnatural state of mind.

Derringer Meryl [Reaching for Yin and Yang] Out