Undone

A couple of fiascos today.

Last night my mom and I finally went out and got the material for the blouses for the bridesmaids. It’s just plain red, so no worries on that front, sorta. I’m not gonna scan it in, but we’re certainly hemming and hawing on whether it matches or not. *sighs* Sometimes it does. It looks really great together, and other times I can hear the people coming to my wedding reception whispering “What the hell was she thinking?” While this is a regular occurrence at most weddings considering the grossness of most bridesmaid dresses– And what not, I’m just really hoping it works out. I don’t want them to say “I hate you so much for making me wear this Meryl.” I didn’t hate my bridesmaid dresses. I didn’t. Now i’m looking at what i’ve put out almost two paychecks for, and wondering what in Heaven’s name is going on in my brain.

All I know is that this wedding feels far enough away to drive me insane, but close enough to taunt me. I know what Scott means about wishing that going home meant to him, and not from him. Though I admit, I do make Scott spend a lot of time up here with me. That’s one thing i’ve disliked about my sibs and their significant others. Usually they take them away and bring them back once in forever. (no Offense to any of them, it’s just nice to hang out with them once in a while) So I’m starting to feel a little guilty in how much Scott time I’m honestly monopolizing. I love being with Scott, I’m just wondering how much of an annoyance i’ve become to his family.

Also I’ve gained a new appreciation for my sister-in-laws. It’s really hard gaining a new family. Especially for me, I tend to be very shy, and very “Hide behind Scott” ish. I’m a quiet person by nature– it’s very rare to get me into talk mode, and then once i’m there, i usually stay there for a good while. It’s a note of how comfortable I feel with Scott’s friends as I can talk with them freely without Scott around. I was even shocked at how easily I seemed to fit in and feel comfortable. I really REALLY want to spend time with Scott’s sisters, I just have this horrible life where everyone screams at me to pay attention to them. I’m thinking I’m going to clear April third off, ask them to clear April Third, and then me, Care Bear and Scott’s sisters can all go hang out and do something. I don’t know what, but I have all these new people in my life, and I seriously need to make an effort to get to know them.

as a disclaimer though, I’m not trying to replace anyone. Being the little sister in family of several married sibs, I know how much I want(ed) my sister in laws to think I was cool, and want to go do things with me, and have things in common. I’m just trying to do that. Trying to include as many people as possible, and trying to offend as few of them as possible. I have that talent though. Pissing people off. *nods* I wish I hadn’t practiced so much as a child.

It’s odd, I was never a very social person, but I always wished I was. Now it seems like everyone wants me to pay attention to them, and I don’t know how. I don’t know how to function in a lot of social instances, or maybe i used to, and i’m just really feigning ignorance. I’m not sure. If I am, I’m even convincing myself. I’m just really– not sure. I know it’ll take a lot of work, but I know i’d like to fix a few things too. I feel scattered, and lost… and just frazzled. I don’t know how to get married. I don’t know how to plan, and honestly if it was possible to do in the LDS faith, I’d so elope. Not that i don’t love all of this stuff (is eating her foot again) I’m just…. all over the place. trying to keep in touch with people and trying to put this wedding together nicely enough that people don’t shudder in fear when they enter into the reception area.

And I sorta just feel like sleeping (which I’ll probably be doing in a few minutes.)

Derringer Meryl [Scott Withdrawl] Out

I got that new layout I was talking about. Isn’t it special? I thought so. 😀 Still all blushy. I think some of the initial shock of “Oh My Goodness, I’m going to get married” has worn off…. because i’m actually eating again. Sorta scares me…. How much i eat. *shakes her head* My will is in direct comparison to aluminum. *smiles* My mom keeps gently reminding me that i need to stay thin enough that i’ll fit into my wedding dress.

I think I just need to find a happy balance between “Stressed eating everything in sight” Meryl and “I’m so in love i haven’t eaten in hours, and I’m okay with that” Meryl. Neither one is very healthy. I have three months from now until the wedding. I should really work on getting skinnier. Not unhealthy skinny (see Tracy Gold from Growing Pains) but back to a more healthy weight. I mean, I’m not super fat. I know that. I’m not obese. I’m glad of that. I don’t think I’m ugly the way I am. I just would perfer to be smaller, is all. Fifteen pounds is all it would take to knock me from being overweight, to a healthy BMI. Isn’t that sad?

It disturbs me that I’m so obsessed with this. I know Scott doesn’t care. He says I’m beautiful (multiply that into fifteen other ways to say that) just the way I am. I feel beautiful just the way I am. I just wonder if I’m healthy the way I am. And honestly– I’ve never felt prettier than when i’m with Scott. I feel … wanted. No conditions, no rules are bars or “You just need to…” statements. I think that’s wonderful. I just really hate living in this world. I hate living in a place where people are screaming about eating more healthy and looking thinner, and being more fit. I feel like i’m going insane. All that women become are pretty things to look at, very few women are admired for their minds. One tends to believe they have no mind. You don’t hear them speak out– average women. I mean sure, there’s Oprah and Rosie O’Donnell (anyone else want her to shut up?) and Sharon Osborne, but are they saying anything worthwhile? Are they saying it themselves? Or is it just something prefabricated by some person behind the scenes. Just another pretty face to push the package.

*feels a little sad* I guess I kinda went on a binge tonight (I tend to do that when I’m feeling down) I shouldn’t have eaten a lot of what I did. I had two lunches (to make up for the fact I had no breakfast) Dinner, Chips, Pocky, and Pudding…. and two eight ounce bottles of water. Every time I ate I felt my brain screaming “Don’t eat that! You’re going to get fat!” I could say I get that from my mom, one of my earliest recollections was of my mom grabbing my waist and pinching saying that I needed to loose some. I think I was like eight. I dont’ mean to sound like I blame my mom. I’m just– I’m tired of crash dieting. That’s what it is. I don’t blame my mom. She’s the greatest mom ever. She helps me all the time. I love her.

I remember not feeling as pretty as the girls at school, as young as the second grade. My hair was a rats nest, and I was a chubby kid. I was. No doubt. I had a sweet tooth. I had like seven of them. It was all I would eat. Any sib of mine can tell you that. All I’ve ever wanted was to be like the other girls. I don’t know when it finally hit me, but I finally understood that i’m not the other girls. They didnt’ understand me. THey didnt’ understand that I couldn’t do the things they were doing. I didn’t have a boyfriend in Elementary like they did.

Every message I got from my first boyfriend was that I was undesirable. I had never felt so low as I did that year. I looked horrible, I felt horrible. My life was trashed. I was thirty or so pounds overweight. It only got worse with each time he said “God Meryl, Could you weigh anymore?” Sometimes I can stil hear him asking me. I remember how funny he thought it was. I remember trying to cling to how much I loved him. I couldn’t lose him. I was so scared. I think being hurled into depression that year was the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Sure, it sucked at the time, but I felt great after it went away. Because of the depression, I lost my appetite. (Food and my emotions go together like bread and butter) I didn’t eat, so I lost a lot of weight. I learned how to style my hair. I learned that my first boyfriend was a complete and utter jerk (for the lack of a better word that isn’t profane) I pieced my life back together. But I cut a lot of social stuff out of it. I learned that people weren’t really reliable in times of need.

I love me now. I think I look great. I just dont think i’m in a place where I can withstand all the “you need to look…”s of the world. I wrote a poem about it. I got passed up for a lot of prettier girls. I was really– tired of it. Tired of being the girl the guy needed a wingman for. Tired of guys saying “Hey, who’s your friend??”

I’m so glad that I don’t need to worry about the lot of that anymore. The Singles scene. Blah. 😛

To sum this up. Scott thinks I’m great the way I am. I think I’m great the way I am. I want to fit into my wedding dress. So–

No more binging over arguments.

Derringer Meryl [And I’ve waited for him so long] Out

Alright you lucky bridesmaids (and Maid of Honor) to be, this is the thing. … I’m an impatient person. It’s pretty insane trying to get Four schedules to fit into a place where we can all go and look at pretty fabrics. So I was out shopping today and found a pretty fabric…. and so– I bought ten yards of it. (that’s thirty feet, and 360 inches, just to break it down for you.) It’s a lot of fabric, pretty heavy, rivaling the weight of an xbox.

Basically, this is the fabric for the skirt. Now…. Before you moan and wail, please consider that I have a bolt (yes an entire bolt) of ugly teal fabric in the back room, no less than ten feet from where I am right now. This is not pretty teal. This is teal that nightmares are made of. I threaten you with that into liking this fabric. The tops will be made red. I hope you like red. You will be wearing red for two nights (One reception the night of, and an open house a week or so later.) I don’t want to go all bridezilla and force you guys into liking it. It has an oriental flare…. Ish– and I’m really not trying to punish you guys– simply allow you to experience my style for a night or two… hee hee.

Now that’s out of the way…. I’d still like to have Scott’s sister’s come and hang out on Friday– maybe we’ll work on the skirts, maybe we’ll leer at Orlando Bloom in Elf attire… Maybe we’ll just sit around and giggle like freaks. I don’t really care. The bridesmaid dresses are really just a ploy so I can get to know you better. 🙂

I remember when my oldest brother got married. I had never had a sister before, and I was really excited. She didn’t take a particular shine to me (we don’t have a lot in common. She doesn’t hate me, we just … don’t really talk much) she was much too busy mooning over my brother. Ick. that annoys me. Now– I admit, i’m moony over Scott, but I don’t think it has to get in the way of how cool I think I am. 😀 (If that made sense to you, i’m happy.) *nods* So, basically, I want to be the great sister-in-law that I have (because the sister in laws I do have *ARE* great!) But i’m going to be alittle different, I can hang out with people Sans Scott. I have confidence in this. Especially since Saturday– where I hung out with Scott’s friends for an hour and a half (I’m guessing here…) and wasn’t feeling awkward the entire time. Some people feel like “I’m only so-in-so’s fiance, no one cares what i think” but I don’t get that vibe from Scott’s friends. I think they’re very eager to meet someone new, genuinely nice and warm friendly people. *nods* I haven’t felt this welcome since I was … like … um… Five I think. Maybe nine or so. *nods* It’s been a while in anycase.

I was driving home from the store, I just remembered this so i thought i’d add it, and I was thinking about how boys can buy girls flowers and presents and things randomly– and it’s cute. I feel like girls couldnt’ do that so much. I mean, sure I’ve done it before– I’ve bought things for a guy i’ve been dating– even made things– but… it always felt awkward and weird. I don’t know. I think it’s stupid. Honestly, what would you buy a guy to say “Hey, i was just thinking of you, and I really love you.” I mean, flowers… I don’t know a lot of guys who know their way around flowers enough to be touched (remembers she needs to call the florist) and well, the option of sending something like candies with Scott is just right out. (Hello, I love you, how about a box of death?) I don’t know. It’s odd. I usually settle for randomly IMing him at work *cough cough* just to say I love him. (No, you may not gag on the sap factor here.) I just don’t think it’s fair– *pouts* and he has bigger hands so I can never win the tickle war.

Derringer Meryl [Derranged Today] Out

So one of the three votes are in (sorry Specialist, I’d like to see you in that swag top though– :)) and the bohemian and the swag are in the lead. I just need Scott’s other sister’s opinion, and Care Bear’s.

I have to make this quick, the yeast and flour upstairs are calling to me….

My mom just pointed out to me, that Scott will be going home early tonight, because he’s driving his parents up here. Which is also the reason he can’t come to my ward this week. 🙁 *sighs* Well– there’s always next week, right?

Which reminds me again, I have like fifty million things to do– so i better go.

Derringer Meryl [The Fun Never Stops, even when you want it to] Out

I know, i seem to be on a crazy “Everything i eat sleep and breathe is Wedding/Scott!” thing in my posts– but honestly, it is. If you’re sickened– I suggest not reading (watches as her counter stops going up….) i’m planning a wedding. I’m going to be smooshie to get me through the blasted stress.

and dang it– I enjoy being smooshie. And I have Bridesmaids patterns, so there.

The skirt:

is pretty much decided on. You really get no imput. Sorry. It’s a very nice skirt though. If you want to see a better picture of it, go to http://www.kwiksew.com/ and look at the patterns, enter in 3108 as the pattern number, and you can read more about it. We’re going with style B. That’s what i wear, and I love it. Comfortable skirt. This skirt convinced me that it’s not so bad being a girl. *waves her hands around like a loon* I attribute it to my cuteness. Or at least part of it. This is the pattern of skirt i almost always wear. They’re comfy and can be re-worn. I’m looking to make it in the stylish black. Light fabric, possibly patterned.

Now, picking a top is harder. I wanted some Bridesmaid-y imput (and Maid of honor, she’ll be stuck in one of these too!) I want you guys to be comfortable. 😉 As much as possible.

Number one is a blue top.

I want the top to be pretty free flowing– that way it can sort of match what i’m wearing. Open sleeves, very comfortable. and airy, since it’s going to be June, you’ll be greatful– unless you’re cold blooded. I don’t remember where I found this one. I have all the patterns written down, just ask and I’m sure I can track it down. 😀

Same thing with number two Fairly free flowing.

Billowy sleeves. Also, I realize that some of these patterns dip fairly low (dang fashion) but since we’re making them (we, meaning me and the mouse in my pocket— and whoever else is willing to help. More than likely my mom) can adjust things like that. Huzzah for us! I was thinking the top would be red– depending on what the bottom of the Skirt had as a pattern.

A little different.

More Bohemian. I like it. Tell me what you think.

Swag Top.

That’s sorta the kind I wore for my bro and sister-in-law’s wedding. Swag. It has it’s downsides, I’ll admit. But it keeps the breeze going.

The original

This is the one i fell in love with first. (using the term lightly, because I couldn’t possibly love this shirt as much as I love Scott…. :D) it’s got the free flowing sleeves (again) and the material is light and open.

Okay. That’s all I have right now. I’m a little tired. I need to go work on the sewing machine with my mom, and see if we can get it put back together. Dang monkey head. Fell apart.

Derringer Meryl [COMMENT!!] Out