I Miss You
A couple of fiascos today.
Last night my mom and I finally went out and got the material for the blouses for the bridesmaids. It’s just plain red, so no worries on that front, sorta. I’m not gonna scan it in, but we’re certainly hemming and hawing on whether it matches or not. *sighs* Sometimes it does. It looks really great together, and other times I can hear the people coming to my wedding reception whispering “What the hell was she thinking?” While this is a regular occurrence at most weddings considering the grossness of most bridesmaid dresses– And what not, I’m just really hoping it works out. I don’t want them to say “I hate you so much for making me wear this Meryl.” I didn’t hate my bridesmaid dresses. I didn’t. Now i’m looking at what i’ve put out almost two paychecks for, and wondering what in Heaven’s name is going on in my brain.
All I know is that this wedding feels far enough away to drive me insane, but close enough to taunt me. I know what Scott means about wishing that going home meant to him, and not from him. Though I admit, I do make Scott spend a lot of time up here with me. That’s one thing i’ve disliked about my sibs and their significant others. Usually they take them away and bring them back once in forever. (no Offense to any of them, it’s just nice to hang out with them once in a while) So I’m starting to feel a little guilty in how much Scott time I’m honestly monopolizing. I love being with Scott, I’m just wondering how much of an annoyance i’ve become to his family.
Also I’ve gained a new appreciation for my sister-in-laws. It’s really hard gaining a new family. Especially for me, I tend to be very shy, and very “Hide behind Scott” ish. I’m a quiet person by nature– it’s very rare to get me into talk mode, and then once i’m there, i usually stay there for a good while. It’s a note of how comfortable I feel with Scott’s friends as I can talk with them freely without Scott around. I was even shocked at how easily I seemed to fit in and feel comfortable. I really REALLY want to spend time with Scott’s sisters, I just have this horrible life where everyone screams at me to pay attention to them. I’m thinking I’m going to clear April third off, ask them to clear April Third, and then me, Care Bear and Scott’s sisters can all go hang out and do something. I don’t know what, but I have all these new people in my life, and I seriously need to make an effort to get to know them.
as a disclaimer though, I’m not trying to replace anyone. Being the little sister in family of several married sibs, I know how much I want(ed) my sister in laws to think I was cool, and want to go do things with me, and have things in common. I’m just trying to do that. Trying to include as many people as possible, and trying to offend as few of them as possible. I have that talent though. Pissing people off. *nods* I wish I hadn’t practiced so much as a child.
It’s odd, I was never a very social person, but I always wished I was. Now it seems like everyone wants me to pay attention to them, and I don’t know how. I don’t know how to function in a lot of social instances, or maybe i used to, and i’m just really feigning ignorance. I’m not sure. If I am, I’m even convincing myself. I’m just really– not sure. I know it’ll take a lot of work, but I know i’d like to fix a few things too. I feel scattered, and lost… and just frazzled. I don’t know how to get married. I don’t know how to plan, and honestly if it was possible to do in the LDS faith, I’d so elope. Not that i don’t love all of this stuff (is eating her foot again) I’m just…. all over the place. trying to keep in touch with people and trying to put this wedding together nicely enough that people don’t shudder in fear when they enter into the reception area.
And I sorta just feel like sleeping (which I’ll probably be doing in a few minutes.)
Derringer Meryl [Scott Withdrawl] Out
