Undone

what to do now?

So I found out that I was getting transferred.

If you haven’t understood the problem yet, you’re not living in my head, congratulations.

I can date HIM if I get transferred. He’s getting transferred too. I just wish I was more confident in myself. Then I’d just sorta– do it. Ask him, go out, watch Star Wars (Which I have decided that I”m not going to watch unless I’m on a date)

Maybe I’m foolish. But Like the song says I’m tired of pretending I’m tough. I’m so used to playing the tough girl that I don’t know how to be otherwise, and when i want to be I just end up being rude. Isn’t that special.

I’m so wrapped up in my personal life. Oi. I should be more… less.. I don’t know I should do something differently.

But one has to wonder if something is wrong with oneself if all they seem to attract is the oppisite of what they want in life. Some one that has things in common, talk to, has a great sense of humor…. and various other odds and ends that are for humor only

what you want an example?

I demand that my fiancee propose to me wearing a hello kitty costume.

Odd? It may be- but I find that if someone is devoted to me enough to wear a costume so they look like a cat with an extra large head, then I know they are truly devoted.

Or really sick like me.

I want the person I marry to be enough like me to get along with me, and enough of themselves to keep me guessing.

Someone who doesn’t mind the fact that I say the word “Like” So often it even boggles the Valley girl mind, Someone who doesn’t forbid my lack of vocabulary when i say “and I go, and he goes” instead of the traditional ‘i said this, and johnny said that” It’s so dull. I enjoy my valley girl, punk wanna be, goth edgy girl look. I enjoy how I talk. Yes maybe i say like a little too much, but is that going to kill someone?

I can understand it might be annoying to an English teacher, or someone who has a very heightened awareness of the word like, but is it that big of a deal.

You could look back at my entries and notice I don’t say “Like” in the written word too much, but that’s because when I write I know that someone isn’t listening, maybe reading, but listening is different.

Listening you have to be quirky and fast on the draw, have to say it so quick and humorously that someone will laugh. You tell a joke slow, someone will finish it for you.

Derringer Meryl [I’m a shadowboxer Baby] Out

Why do we have to hide all the time? I’ve noticed that we as a society are encouraged to hide our emotions and all sorts of silly things. Hide when we’re angry, or sad, or displeased, frustrated, anything that could be negative.

That’s annoying and stupid.

Take into consideration that one in ten rapes is reported. Isn’t that silly? SIlly… okay, stupid, moronic, asinine…. whatever. In any case I believe it’s because society thinks that a girl brings it on.

I have to say that I used to believe so myself. I was deluded and young, and I didn’t sleep much, or think. I’ve become now otherwise informed. Your right to say no is not taken away by the way you dress, or by what ally you walk down, or if you want to go on a date with a seemingly nice guy. You always ALWAYS ALWAYS have the right to say NO.

However in an addendum to that I must say that the women of the world should know that Men have out of control hormones. Seemingly nice men can be turned into odd and very scary people when their hormones take over. I heard it best said by my friend at work:

Men aren’t stupid, our hormones just misinform us

And while I would still like to believe that every man is the best, and a Prince all that…. I know it isn’t true. That may not be what they want to be.

A friend I met this past week asked me this question after writing wistfully in her journal:

Where is prince charming and why the hell isn’t he here yet?

I responded promptly: “He’s in his room drinking Malt liquor– Watching Smallville Re-runs.”

She laughed because she knew I was referring to HIM. I had to laugh as well just because I was so tired, and I thought it was next to the funniest thing all day.

Love and life don’t always mesh– not the way you want them to. Sometimes you can compromise them, and sometimes you have to choose– either way you have to make a decision, what to compromise and what to choose.

It’s your Life-

Derringer Meryl