Undone

Scott was pretty tired, and didn’t get to write an entry into his journal. That just means I get to first. 😀 Ha ha ha!

We went to The Pie last night for Artemis’ birthday party. We got there first, because we’re apparently more prompt than the very people who were hosting the party. *shrugs* it’s not uncommon. Anyway. Everyone got there in a lump sum, pretty much. Artemis with Dateless (I really should change his name…) Guts, Monkey, and a few other people from work that don’t have nicknames on here, because they work at other stores. anyway. They stood in line and ordered while all of us sat and chatted. The first eventful thing of the night was Monkey screaming “YOUR FIANCE IS WIRED!” and like five tables turning to look at us. I’m sure they all needed to worry, since half of them looked like frat boys out with the local sorority. *rolls her eyes* After Monkey got done screaming, we both explained (to either end of the table) that Scott has Diabetes, and it was his insulin pump. I’m sure if Monkey had been paying attention, he would have been embarrassed. Monkey and Guts both ate wax on a dare (from me, heh heh) I gave Artemis the gift of Pocky. (happies!) I met a few new people, but I couldn’t tell you their name if you asked. it was around ten when Gert got there, and I introduced Scott. We can both attest to the hilarity of his look when I said “This is my fiance, Scott.” I seriously wish I had taped it, so I could play it back for you. It was great. *nods* He said congratulations to us, which I was really appreciative of. I told him thank you, and that no one else was really very fond of the idea. (Which If you read the previous entry, I don’t really care about. THP)

Guts came and sat by us for a second, and I asked him to punch Monkey in the side, which he did for me because I’m like his little sister, and he just loves me that much, i know. 😀 I’d never abuse my powers. We went back to my house to watch the end of School of Rock, and talk to my sibs. Scott got to meet Wudan and Sukie (as their nicknames online are) for the first time. Basically we hung out. I have to say, it was a VERY fun night, with the smiling and the cuddling and the hand holding. 🙂

I just need to get a few things done, and I can stay at Mandarin’s house tonight… I hope. 😉 BTW, any one can comment, you don’t have to sign up for anything or sell your soul or anything…. I just like to hear your feed back, k? Not a big deal. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [Need to Get Ready] Out

I’ve been invited to have Dinner at Scott’s on Sunday. This is gonna be the first time I formally meet his family. I’m sorta nervous, but really excited at the same time.

My goal:

To find an outfit that, while modest, causes him to be breath taken.

*nods* Off to the mall I go! Long Live the shopping spree! Down with homework!

Derringer Meryl [Thank you for reading] Out

I’m tired. I’m arguing with The Specialist, and I have to say that I provoked it. I”m in a magical kind of odd mood. Where I swing understandably from one happy mood to an angry one without warning. I’m slightly Gert-ish. Anyway. Time for a Lyric Spew. Extraordinary, Liz Phair

You think that I go home at night

Take off my clothes, turn out the lights

But I burn letters that I write

To you, to make you love me

Yeah, I drive naked through the park

And run the stop sign in the dark

Stand in the street, yell out my heart

To make, to make you love me

I am extraordinary, if you’d ever get to know me

I am extraordinary, I am just your ordinary

Average every day sane psycho

Supergoddess

Average every day sane psycho

You may not believe in me

But I believe in you

So I still take the trash out

Does that make me too normal for you?

So dig a little deeper, cause

You still don’t get it yet

See me lickin’ my lips, need a primitive fix

And I’ll make, I’ll make you love me

I am extraordinary, if you’d ever get to know me

I am extraordinary, I am just your ordinary

Average every day sane psycho

Supergoddess

Average every day sane psycho

Supergoddess

See me jump through hoops for you

You stand there watching me performing

What exactly do you do?

Have you ever thought it’s you that’s boring?

Who the hell are you?

I am extraordinary, if you’d ever get to know me

I am extraordinary, I am just your ordinary

Average every day sane psycho

Supergoddess

Average every day sane psycho

Average every day sane psycho

Supergoddess

Average every day sane psycho

Average every day sane psycho

Supergoddess

Average every day sane psycho

Average every day sane psycho

Yeah, that’s me. I’m insane. I’m extraordinary, but no one takes the time to know me. And with the exception of Dax and My mom, my family doesn’t know me. It’s like them and us. I’m affection starved. Especially for as large of a family that i have. That doesn’t mean I don’t get it, but you want it from certain people, and they go along assuming that you’ll always dote on them the way you did when you were eight. I’m tired — and I’m upset that even within my own family, even with my own siblings, never an ounce of affection was ever directed back at me. There was a time I would have never imagined arguing with the Specialist, all I wanted was to be good enough for him. And it seems through impeccably high standards, i’ve given up. Maybe it’s all intrinsic. Maybe I’m still doing this all inside of my head. Maybe I was just a supremely annoying child, (I have no doubt) but that doesn’t mean that he didn’t mean the world to me at one point. Which he did. Every part of it.

Derringer Meryl [Reminice] Out

While I admit, I love my siblings all very much, and they’re all very special, I”d like to take this moment to express my anger at one of them.

The Specialist.

I’m sure it’s a very hard life being abnormally smart, as well as looked up to. I’m sure that’s a horrible burden to bear. I’m sure it’s hard for people to ask you for things all the time and then to deal with their anger when you don’t necisarily know the answer. I’m positive that all of that is hard. Difficult to deal with.

But there’s a thing called “No” Maybe you should have started to say it earlier. I don’t know. But now you’ve gotten yourself tangled in a whole bunch of promises (either said or unsaid) and you can’t keep them all. So most of them get half done.

Maybe i’m saying this when i’m too angry about it, maybe it’s the fact that I can’t write without music, and thus the fact that i can’t hear a LARGE amount of my music means that nothing is getting done. I have the feeling that several large Bobbie pins have been shoved through my left eye, and i just want to break down and never move again. Dammit, all i want is my damn music.

My father has spent three hours trying make it work, and I’m sure …. I don’t know. I’m just so … stress that my throat is constricting and i’m crying because i can’t listen to my stupid music. it’s stupid and childish,a nd I’m probably not even that mad at the Specialist as I am that life sucks and I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want to do school. I don’t want to Date, I don’t want to think, I just… don’t want to function any longer. I want to lay down in my large luxurious bed, and not get up.

it’s horrible to say that. I hate myself for saying that, which is probably just as contradictory as anything. My head hurts, my teeth are clenching so badly that my jaws hurt all the way up into my forehead. My cat Bit me, and i have a major paper due on tuesday, work tomorrow night. I’m so… tired. I’m so. … i’m just done. I just want to be done with it.

Derringer Meryl [Stressed to where It hurts] Out

2004-01-01 – 12:25 p.m.
I’m posting this for the Specialist … he seems a little down, i suppose we were ragging on him a little for not being more emotional… but — our emotion is what makes us human, and stuffing it away– well, that’s of no use. So… today, instead of a lyric spew– or even my own personal poetry — i’m going to spew some of Langston Hughes whom i began to learn about in the ninth grade. I loved… his work from the beginning. *nods* I don’t want to sound like a dork– and list off about how he was one of the lead writers in the Harlem Renaissance, and a completely amazing writer (I love him more than Red loves Maya Angelou.) and someday, i’d like to write like him.

Mother to Son, By Langston Hughes

Well, son, I’ll tell you:

Life for me ain’t been no crystal stair.

It’s had tacks in it,

And splinters,

And boards torn up,

And places with no carpet on the floor —

Bare.

But all the time

I’se been a-climbin’ on,

And reachin’ landin’s,

And turnin’ corners,

And sometimes goin’ in the dark

Where there ain’t been no light.

So boy, don’t you turn back.

Don’t you set down on the steps

‘Cause you finds it’s kinder hard.

Don’t you fall now —

For I’se still goin’, honey,

I’se still climbin’,

And life for me ain’t been no crystal stair.

Nope. Life ain’t no crystal stair. and dammit, it’s never going to be one. That’s just the way it is. (I wish you could see all of the neat things he did with the indention, but … unfortunately Diaryland won’t let me do that) I must say, he’s one of the best writers ever.

This is for you, Specialist.

Derringer Meryl [Keep Climbing] Out