Undone

Antigone’s (that’s the Specialist’s Wife) blog is closed down now. It makes me sad, I really enjoyed reading it– But when her mind is set, it’s set, i guess.

Her writing seemed honest and extremely…. *thinks of the word* insightful. She works now, and so consequently they dont’ come down to visit so much anymore unless it’s a holiday. *nods* So it was nice being able to read what was going on, and learning more things about her. My mom always says “A son is a son until he takes a wife, a daughter is your daughter all of your life” Cute isn’t it? Well– the cute little saying pretty much amounts to the fact that my brother is my brother until he gets married. Not that my brothers and i were SO tight before that. Dating takes care of that.

Which is why i vowed i wouldn’t forget my friends when i began to date. Loosing myself in another person …. is dangerous… as well as very hurtful to those around you.

But I’ve vented about that kind of stuff before– today I’m going to focus a little bit more on Antigone. I was informed, that i was rude to her. Meh, that sounds wrong. I probably was. I was too old for how young i was acting. Ya see, despite what it should be, I was extremely close (in my opinion) to the Specialist. I stole his style, and his clothes, and (even now, to some extent) I want to be just like him. I wanted Antigone to be my sister-in-law, but as soon as they got engaged, (even before that, but i suppose I didnt notice as much) the Specialist stopped spending so much time with his lousy sibs… and I suppose i latently blamed Antigone…. i shouldn’t have, and i see that now. Maybe that’s how people got the vibe I was being rude?? I dont’ know. Maybe i’m just a really rude person underneath it all…

I apologize to her if I was rude– I was (and i still can be) very immature.

She and I don’t have a lot in common, except our love for Anime. So I found it interesting to read her blog. But I do suppose it was her choice to take it down….

*pats her blog* I love this one too much to take it down.

Derringer Meryl [My Precious] Out

as if you hadn’t noticed, there’s a new Layout, I like it– and i find it an accurate portrayal of me. *nods*

I’m a walking relapse

I do things, things that i’m ashamed of, and i try to stop, but i relapse. I forget, and i do them again. Or sometimes, being a creature of habit, i simply do them without thinking at all.

I relapse into emotions, actions, habits, …. though i have to admit, emotions is possibly the one that kills me the most. Artemis, Mouth and i were talking (isn’t that a mouthful to say) about the kind of person we’re attracted to. Artemis automatically opted for saying she liked pretty-boys who were consequently jerks. I dont’ remember the mouth actually divulging what particular ‘type’ girls he likes, but i do remember clearly what i said….

Jerks My first was a jerk. I don’t mean the kind of jerks who beat you…. no, that’s more than a jerk, that’s an abuser, and he probably has a lot of complicated emotional issues… No. I mean guys who are sweet and nice and then– one day, it just goes wrong. It’s not necessarily their fault– sometimes it just happens.

*pauses to calm her tremors* I don’t know why but they’re particularly bad today….

Monkey was never a jerk — not intentionally. He meant what he said about wanting to stay friends, but after hearing it from a jerk, the phrase is ruined. It’s nothing against him, i think he’s a great guy– he just has that Y chromosome that seems to be rooting against him and his actions. And despite what I said before, Monkey doesn’t stare. I take it back, I retract that statement– Only Miroku stares… *nods* I hope that clears up any confusions….

Maybe Jerk is the wrong way to put things…. I don’t mean they’re rude… well… *blinks* well…. Okay. *sighs* I like guys i can spar verbally with. Quick wit, and sharp tongue (verbally speaking…) someone who can joke with me, and not be scared that i’m going to take his joke the wrong way. Of course, when the relationship ends, that tongue continues to be sharp…. *shudders*

My first ex said I slept with my Drivers Ed instructor to pass the class.

*nods* I do not kid. He told people that. He probably meant it as a joke– but… it didn’t feel like it.

and Monkey, he didn’t ever INTENTIONALLY hurt me. He was always very sweet– leaving nothing but good memories. I just feel like I should re-affirm that since I seem to be lumping all the guys I’ve liked as jerks…. Anything that hurt from him– was usually self inflicted. THinking about things too much, or having people say things … *thinks of how to say it* … the feeling that he didn’t trust me with information…. I guess is the best way to say it.

*raises her hands in a sign of surrender* I don’t mean to open this to discussion– This is my journal– and yes it is online, but… i’m not always ready personally to talk about somethings with others. *looks down* I’m not trying to be rude. I once again re-affirm that Monkey was the most positive relationship i’ve been in…. ever I hurt because I hurt. THat’s me. Not him. *nods*

*laughs*Then you take into account that i had a crush on Miroku, who is positively the largest Lecher that i’ve ever met in my entire life– My crush on J-bob (who only invites me to see Rated R movies which I refuse to see) and my crush on Gert, and my newest one that’s forming for …. *gasps* The mouth. *sighs* I figure If i’m more open about it–

maybe it’ll go away?

Despite the fact that he’s a jerk– i mean it too, he called me a bitch *grumbles* Of course, he said he was sorry after he found out i was offended…. and when Monkey threw the keys at work at me slightly askew and they cut my hand, he was sorry about that too… and he always seems to be challenging how I feel, and how i am. Why I do things, and Why I am the way I am.

It’s been a growing experience for me. I’ve learned new things, and I love that about people… I love that about spending time with different people, they highlight things you didn’t know about yourself.

Like spending time with Artemis has helped me understand my Dad a little better…. and she (even though I don’t approve) encourages me to lie to my parents… and i’ve learned why I don’t like to.

Because that is me. I don’t lie to my parents. It’s ingrained into me, and I don’t want to change that. It makes me unique that i can hang out with the people i do, and keep that. *nods*

and not seeing Rated R films– well… part of me longs to– but it’s not so much for the film that i want to go. It’s so that maybe they’ll accept me. i don’t want to go for the film, it’s paying seven bucks so that I’m cool.

and Honestly, when the day is done, Blood is thicker than water. My friends are friends, and I love them all, but … nothing goes beyond my family. I couldn’t betray my parent’s trust like that.

And i’m a goodie goodie, and it probably sickens you to the end of the earth– but ya know what? Sooner or later, that movie is gonna be on TV. So *shrugs* so what. It’s free, and I can record it…. legally.

Derringer Meryl [the not cool, cool] Out

I thought i’d get off my lazy butt and begin my new week of Blogging, sooner better than later, right?

Whatever. I’m trying to be better. I started making my Christmas cards today. 🙂 I think they’re going to turn out fairly well… *shrugs* I really hope they do.

On Wednesday I can start to register for next semester of College. *sighs* I don’t wanna, but i gotsta. Unless someone out there who is reading my blog has a job with great benefits and wages to boot. I guess i can get those after I finish school, right? All I know is that I would be a lot closer to school if i lived more Southernly than I do. *shrugs* I know people there willing to let me shack up with them, but then, it’s really far to work…. *sighs* Unless I got transferred, and God Knows I wouldn’t mind that. 🙂 But I keep figuring that moving stores wouldn’t be the best idea, because i’ll just keep finding new reasons not to date Gert. I’m a chicken. I’m a scaredy cat. … i’m everything like that. 🙂 I know it, i admit to it, and admitting the problem is the first step, right?

Not really, but we can pretend.

I’m one of those people who you have to coax out of their shell. It’s annoying to some people, but honestly, once i know someone, i’m fairly open about how i feel about things. I have to wonder sometimes why I don’t. Why i’m so shy. But I was thinking about it… I was a very hypersensitive kid. I never wore a pair of jeans until i was fourteen, i kid you not. I didn’t like the way they felt against my skin. I didn’t like to be touched, unless i was the one who was starting the touching… like i LOVED to hug, but only when i was the one who started the hug. … i think that explains it a little better…. I didn’t like revealing clothes for a long time, I think my parents were relieved by that…. now days I can’t get enough of showing skin. I don’t dress like a slut, but i have to admit, I show more skin than a lot of LDS girls. *shrugs* It’s not a habit, my temperature fluctuates like crazy, so you’ll see me with a tank top and a sweater on over it…. That’s what i’m wearing currently… heh.

I was a social butterfly, yet i had no friends. I talked to people, ya know? I was friendly and kind, I still am, but I couldn’t say that someone knew all of my deepest secrets. Now days, only three people do, maybe four or five, depending on the deepness and the darkness of the secret. *laughs* People were constantly telling me things, confiding in me, and letting me carry their burdens. Shameful things, things that I had never heard of before. They still do it. I know how it is. You did something, and you have to tell someone, anyone to ease the pressure you feel, and so you tell a friend, and then THEY have the burden. Heh. Isn’t it nice. That’s why a spouse who has been unfaithful tells their significant other, to ease the pain…

Their own private torture. Heh. I deal with my pain, with my penance. It’s something everyone has to do. Deal with the problems in yourlife. I guess my journal is one of the ways i find relief. I’m not PUSHING my burden onto someone, i’m just sorta… sending it out into thin air. *laughs* Or cyber space, what ever. Someone can read it, or it can just sit there and rot, no one knows either way…. *sighs* but then it’s not on my shoulders. Right?

I’ve decided that romance stories (Movies or Fictional Novels) are degrading the social standard. No one canbe like that. Pretty and slim, and sexy, or romantic and dashing. Everyone has those days where you wake up and you jsut don’t feel like getting all pretty, and you feel fat and ugly and no amount of cute clothes or make up can make you feel any different. It’s just the way you feel. *nods* and i have yet to meet a guy who was dashing and romantic who wasn’t already been yearned after by fifty other girls.

Heh. I think I’d like to add something to my list for Christmas, you can say that it’s for my birthday, ok? I’d like One Meaningful Relationship no hassle, no ruckus, nothin’ …. Just something simple and nice.

Derringer Meryl [Staring at the Sun] Out

Things are eating away at me. I cna’t say I can think of anything too specific, and if I did, I probably couldn’t say it in here anyway. Gotta protect the innocent, ya know? *nods*

*shrugs* Just things. Dating things, and how inexplicably clueless I am…. Friendship things, and how stupid I am with that…. school and applying …. and… I don’t know. How it’s okay for anyone else in the world to be scared of the opposite sex…. but me. I love that one. I love how it’s normal for every other person but me. *laughs* Oh well. Lets see… i started my christmas list. It’s things I want, but cannot have, like ever. Ya know a list of “I wish” Completely. …. and if you could do these things for me, I’d have you as my husband, in two minutes flat.

Meryl’s Christmas WISH List

1. Five guys like the ones from Queer Eye For the Straight guy. (Gay, Straight, I couldn’t care less, Five complimenting guys around me for a day, i’d feel like a princess)

2. To take Back everything from this summer, and shove it in a rubbermaid container. Memories, emotions, and actions. All of it, stuffed in a container, so I can show my kids I was a &^#$ing moron too.

3. Direction and money to use the direction. I lack it, I need it. More importantly I want it. Of course the minute my life seems to gain something good in it, the good thing flits out the next opening it can. Like a butterfly. I guess life wasn’t meant to be good.

4. An Apartment, no strings attached. (I say what I mean. I don’t want an apartment where I have to sleep with five different men each just to pay for it. I just want a place that isn’t here.)

5. To know why. Everyone needs some closure in my life, and the only bit i’ve got is the fact that in every failed relationship in my life, i’m the only factor that is common.

6. Courage. I’m more cowardly than the Lion. Nuff said.

7. Understanding. To understand that saying NO isn’t hurting someone, and I can’t think of it that way. To understand that mooning over someone who will never think of you THAT way isn’t any way to live. And to understand how to get past it all.

8. My two front teeth… or a car. EIther one. 🙂

9. For One person, anyone, anywhere, to love me as much as I love them.

10. To be able to accurately speak, and be correctly construed. I have a problem with this…. all the time. *laughs*

Fin Wish List

Derringer Meryl [All I want for Christmas Is you] Out

I’m a conflicted little girl. (I was going to say git, but whatever.) I’m just all, here, and then i’m all, there, and it’s getting really annoying.

I gave monkey the ring he made me back last night. *shrugs* I don’t know if he even noticed, but i felt much lighter. I’ve decided to just give in to what he wanted, which was a professional working relationship. I don’t have that kind of relationship with the rest of the guys at work, but he wants it…. so he’s getting it. Oh, and is he going to get it. *eyes begin to well, lip trembles* i felt better though. I honestly did. I was icy, I was platonic, and there was no emotion behind my actions…. unless you count hurt, and pain. *bites her lip* but it’s my own fault. and that’s that.

I did this.

And I”m a permanent life time member of LDSmingles.com now. It’s really fun, and exciting… but every time I meet someone, i’m constantly going “Oh, Gert does that!” or “Gert would find that pretty funny.” and it’s basically what my mind focus’ on now days. *looks down* I tried to get transferred to Dateless’ store (Who in relation, is apparently not so dateless…) but he said Gert would have to approve it– and so I’m back at square one. I mean what am I supposed to do? “Can I switch stores? Because Of Monkey, and mostly because I like you, and i want to see if it’s just a proximity crush, and if it would really last, and if you’re even interested at all… That’s why i’d like to switch Gert”

How about, NO!

There is no way that I, completely sober and ready for work, would say that to Gert’s face, or even over the phone…. or even like to a facsimile of him. I dont’ think so. Not now, not ever. I’m too…. what’s the word… stupid.

*sighs deeply* and I really could use some useful advice. And basically all i’m getting is a whole bunch of “I don’t know what you should do” or grunts while someone is playing some video game….

but there is no way whatsoever I’ll go back to my therapist. I can do this on my own….. With God. I can do this with God, and I won’t need anyone else. I’m positive.

Derringer Meryl [Think, Think, Think] Out