Undone

Balance. I demand BALANCE!!

I was at work tonight. Talking to a co-worker friend of mine. Mostly about my relationships, and how apparently the entire state is on crack. I asked the guy I was raving on about in here out on a date. He said no (Of course, what else do you expect from me?) and once again added to the trama that is me. 🙁 Blah.

The whole balance thing. Well my friend was taunting me– about my whole deal with the guy who turned me down, and how i wouldn’t mind even being a controller in his hand, because I’d be near him. My friend of course had to take that all wrong. And THen I started listening to music from this total cutie from another state– he’s romantic and sweet and

Everything I want

Everything I need

Everything Inside of me

That I wish I could be–

but– the thing is, I don’t know. I don’t even know how to say it. I think there needs to be an equal balance of passion and romance. It doesn’t matter how much romance there is, if there isn’t any passion it makes it sap. If all you have is passion and no romance, you might as well be screwing a giggalo. So do you understand? The need for balance.

I’m not against telling someone they are beautiful, or opening doors, or sending flowers– But the passion– the feeling that you can’t breath when you’re around them. That their touch makes you want to die inside– That’s what I need. Both. I guess I’m too demanding.

It’s hard to do that. Find a balance. I’m not sure which I need more. At this point– The passion. The Lack of passion in my life is despicable… as well as completely disgusting. *sighs*

My friend asked me if (very embarrassed he was) I was in need of a good shag. I pled the fifth- I still do. Not because necessarily I do, but I know for a matter of fact I need a little passion. *Pouts*

Derringer Meryl [Music Gets the Best Of Me] Out

the story of me is a long and confusing one.

I freely admit that. It’s at least a novel, and it wouldn’t make much sense. Well– unless you wear tinfoil hats worried that the aliens will steal your brainwaves, but i’m getting off the subject here.

Which is how screwed up I am. Now, I’m not beat on or anything (at least not that I can remember….) and while traumatic things have happened to me, I can honestly and fully say, I have not had it SO bad in life. The thing is, not what happens to you, but how you handle it. I don’t know if i’ve mentioned that before in here, but that’s the key to life. Not how you act so much to how you react. This guy I was listening to said it this way:

“Through your life you may run into some real bastards and they’ll take you for a ride, but all of that doesn’t matter. What matters is not how they act, but how you react.”

and that’s totally true. *nods* I may not have had the short end of the stick and I can greatfully say that I have never been raped in my life, or physically abused by my loved ones. While other types of abuse have been practiced on me (mainly by the general unloving public) I never understood it’s not how bad of a life you’ve had, it’s what you’ve done with the experience.

That’s the key to how screwed up I am. I pickled my crap. Yes I freely admit (once again) I have pickled crap. I took everything that ever bothered me and I stuffed into a jar and let it set until it hurt so much. Blah. this had a point.

The thing is– this will hand you the laugh of your life– all goes back to this guy I like. Not the same I guy I ranted forever about. He’s a doll, and a wonderful guy, and he’ll make a wonderful husband to some very lucky girl. I guess I finally accepted it wasn’t me. *shrugs* I may have a thick skull, but I’ve seen thicker.

I haven’t liked him forever, just since I met him. It was like, take your breath away charisma. *sighs* hard to describe. It’s like– in my Big Fat Greek Wedding when the guy says that his life was dull before he met Toula. I wouldn’t go so far as that…. *blinks*

It’s an extreme statement. I do not negate it. Basically, he makes me excited about living and doing things, and writing, and makes me want to talk, not just listen. So vibrant and alive– funny and sensitive, and very very friendly.

I openly admit that I was very light headed the first time I met him. Still when I talk to him, it’s like some kind of out of body experience.

and I sound like some fan girl drooling over the latest boy band. *gags*

and yet– it seems like something special, in a very real way. Almost– magical.

Derringer Meryl [Sappy Me] Out

Awkward. I’m always so awkward. I trip over my own feet, and I’m not meaning on purpose.

I wish that I wasn’t such a klutz, because every word I say comes out wrong, and people take offense, and i end up shoving my foot in my mouth, over all I wish sometimes that I could be a little bit more balanced.

Ya know, like, not all insane, maybe slightly attractive to someone besides — I dont’ know some sort of horny tree squirrel.

No — I don’t look like a nut. I am one, but I don’t look like one. There’s a difference.

I wish I was pretty. Serious. Guys say I am, but then they end up saying that I’m too much like their little sister to date. What the heck! I mean, I’m not sure what’s grosser–

The fact I’m little sister like-

Or the fact that some guys find their little sister hot.

I’m just tired of being left in the rain when everyone has their hunny to snuggle up to when it’s cold outside.

I have a penguin.

And despite what you may have heard, penguins are not as warm as you might assume.

Derringer Meryl [and the one little duck] Out

PS: Microsoft today– not as special as it could have been.

It’s insane.

How much I am a hopeless romantic. I want someone to run home and call me, because they miss me. I suppose that’s too much to ask, especially in this day in age.

Plus Romance isn’t something you find often in high school, if at all. I can’t help but want it.

I’ve wanted to be married since I was little. I wanted to be away from all the bad things in my life, hiding in the safety that I thought was marriage, where you can hide and no one cares that you’re leaning on your spouse because you’re supposed to.

Then I grew up, and while I still long for the companionship of marriage, I am afraid for all the other things that marriage brings.

Like divorce and fights

and money problems, and finding things out about my spouse that I never knew, that I didn’t want to know. Dealing with all that, and having problems, possibly such big problems that we can’t work through

and then I’d be alone again.

I want to meet someone so devoted to me that they’d dress up as hello kitty for me. Not because I say it all the time, but because then I’d know that they’d really love me, that making a fool of themselves isn’t something that’s bad, and that I’m worth it.

Trust me I have a list of things that are I’d do, or I’d like someone to do for me.

Screwing is not one of them.

I figured blunt was the best way to put that one. Sometimes making love can be the deepest and most binding things in a relationship, but since not everyone thinks that way in the world, it’s not one of the things I’d do for a relationship. It’s not. How easy is it to pick up your clothes from a one night stand and leave.

Too easy.

Sure it’s equally easy to step out of a hello kitty costume and say “I’m breaking up with you” but hey, no one calls you a few months later saying “Hey, Remember that one time that you wore that hello kitty costume? Well I’m pregnant.”

I’m an odd little kitten aren’t I? Well Demented is one of the things I do best. Strange isnt’ it? I thought so.

It’s insane.

I never want to feel emotion again. Never. I want to chuck all of my feelings and emotions into the jordan river and watch them float in the mucky duck water. I don’t care.

I DON’T CARE!

I musnt run away

I musnt run away

I musnt run away

I musnt run away

Derringer Meryl [Having a Shinji Moment] Out

*sigh*

Sigh is all there is to say. I’m irritable and mean and ….

Hopeless. Simply hopeless. Just like all those Disney characters you see, that become attached to the hero….

cept I don’t have one really.

I can see myself now, like five (or less) years from now being proposed to. I say no, and it won’t end like it does in Anne of Green Gables, he won’t wait for me, won’t wait for me, he’ll move on and find some girl who’ll say yes, and never look back.

No one waits in this day and age.

Why?

Why can’t someone say, “I’ve loved you since the day I met you, and i’ve tried to move on, but… .I know that we’re really meant to be.”

I”m like Anne, I can’t really think of anyone I like that way. No one I can imagine myself spending the rest of my life with

Not to mention eternity.

And it saddens me, because i don’t have a Gill Blythe who will wait for me while I philander around the world, because the boys now days are too fickle. People have a hard time staying together for the time allotted on earth, not to mention forever.

Everyone is Fickle. Everyone.

Even me. But I know that I don’t love anyone right now. I know that i think people are foxy *drools*

Anyway.

I should sleep, I’m getting sicker each night I go to sleep later and later.

Please. I beg. Sadly I beg, Just tell me this “Pancakes and Gardinias Taste good together”

Derringer Meryl [I’m lying here on the floor where you left me]