Undone

or maybe I’m turning the page….
I crave closure. Not having it, drives me a little crazy. It’s just a lesson of not having what you want I guess. Today was my first day turning a completely new page. I thought a lot about it. I feel like it’s all completely inexplicable. I’ve been here before. I wonder why I can’t eek out the words I want to say. Why I can’t peek inside myself to see what is making me destructive like this. It’s very depressing. I am normally very in touch with my emotions, and lately I have been shocking myself, things out of left field, things very unlike myself are beginning to surface, and I wonder why. I try and peer inside to see where this is all coming from, and I am lost.I have been feeling for months that I didn’t know who I was anymore, but it seems to have really came to a head recently.

I once wrote something for my english class, I’ll have to dig it up. It was all about who I was. I wonder how much of it’s true. I’m going to go search for it… I’ll update again when I find it. 😉

ETA: apparently my files are hidden, but I’m reading my teacher’s notes from college about my work, and now that i”m older and less “I know everything about writing, because I write all day all the time, and I’m the awesome-est writer ever” I’m thinking her advice is good. I want to start tinkering with my old poems again. I have over 300 poems. I kept nearly everything I’ve ever written, I submitted it for a lot of critique, I didn’t write much in college, because I could just re-use what I wrote in High School. And people were a lot more honest. I want to work on it again. I want my 300 little babies to be published.. in a real book. I want to be a real poet. I”m not Maya Angelou or anything, but I’d love to write and have people read it. Maybe I’ll self-publish and send one to Oprah 😉

Derringer Meryl {Mission: Find Meryl} Out

I keep thinking about recent events in my life, I will say this month (now it’s almost over) has really been one of the worst ever for me. Which considering good and happy things happened this month, makes it sad really. I’m quite happy that Pepper was born this month. Little pepper, and her cuteness. 🙂

People, in general, think they are special. This isn’t true, not really. I mean you’re unique, but even that uniqueness is not that unique since everyone else is unique too. But just because you’re unique doesn’t mean things won’t still happen to you in the same patented way they do to everyone else. I guess I’m saying, you’re not the exception, you’re the rule. Somehow people (and i include myself here) think “Sure, that’s how it was for someone else, but i”m going to be able to do this, and nothing bad will happen.” They stare the universe in the face and say “I’m going to do what I want, and this will be the outcome.” Which is funny. We think we get to chose what happens when we jump off a cliff, you’re not going to walk safely down like there are stairs, you’re going to fall dummy.

And some people stand on the edge of a cliff, knowing if they step out, that they will fall, and they will crash, and there will be pain… but they want to feel the fall. For some sort of rush… It can’t be explained. People think, that they can walk the line, walk a tight rope, and not fall to their deaths. And sure there are people who can. Most people are not those people.

this month, I learned (yet again) to not stare the universe in the face and tell it what to do. It won’t listen, and you’ll end up being taught that in a painful way. You can only choose your consequences by choosing your actions.
Derringer Meryl [I keep my eyes wide open all the time] Out

here again.

Sorry these titles just pop into my head as i start blogging.

Life has been hectic. Amazing and horrible.  Mostly the second one, but as of yesterday (being friday, not Saturday) I have started to feel a lot better. I don’t think it’s my medication, I think I have just… let go. I have a hard time remembering to not take on more than I should. That no one (but myself usually) expects me to be perfect and to do all these amazing/wonderful things and … I over extend myself a lot, which causes problems in any situation.
I would say “don’t worry about me” but that is a stupid thing to say. So i guess something better to say is, Thank you for worrying about me. I appreciate it. I realize that I’m very dramatic, and it’s hard for me to simply say the things I need to, but… I am trying to be a happier person, and to find some peace within myself. I also plan on going to the doctor in the next few weeks to discuss my medication. The side effects and it’s lack of improvement in me, is enough for me to want to kick it to the curb and get back to Zoloft. I’m not nursing anymore, so why not? At least I’ll be on something that works again!

Since church is at 9 am, I should probably sleep (Audrey too, she’s Scooting now, and has scooted herself from the main part of our basement over to where our computer is. Little butt scooter. She’s a dear heart.

I love that she has the name she does. it just seems like such an optimistic name for such a happy light hearted girl.

Derringer Meryl [scooting] out

That I started depression medication? Maybe I did. LOL One of the side effects of the med is that you can’t remember fact from fiction. It’s quite annoying. there are things in the past few months that I can’t remember if I really did them or not, or if I just through I did it. It’s … FRUSTRATING. I dont’ like the medicine too much, I don’t really feel like it’s helping. I just need to find the time to go to my doctor and get adjusted, or just get a new medicine. Since I feel pretty much the same as I did before if not worse.

depression is the damndest thing. Nothing interests me much anymore. I look back over my hobbies and think “ugh. I don’t wanna” and I also think “I only was doing that for someone else”

I’ve come to realize that I’m the kind of person that lives her life for other people. Quite frankly I would have been done with this Popsicle stand a long time ago if not for 1) the fact that killing yourself is wrong and 2) people don’t want me to. I do still have times where I forget (sorry for being morbid here people) that people don’t want me to. That people would be sad. That’s the dementia that comes along with depression. You can’t understand or see anything clearly. It’s like looking at the world from really strong prescription glasses(when you have no need for the prescription) Nothing seems to make sense. I am sorry if I’m a bring me down here. I like to speak frankly and honestly about my depression. It weighs on me, and i prefer not to be silent. I have had a hard time this time. Most people probably don’t know that this bout has been nearly 2 years for me. It’s been bad. it has been hard for me to be away from my kids, and when I am with them, I can only think “oh I’ll have to leave again tomorrow” (for work) and sometimes I think they’d be better off without me. I know it’s not true, but… Once again, delusional.

I miss going to the theatre. I am watching the Scarlet Pimpernel on the TV currently and I am looking forward to 110 in the shade and The Scarlet Pimpernel coming to Hale Center Theatre down here. I have never seen 110 in the shade before, but I want to, very much. I have only seen the TV movie of The Scarlet Pimpernel, not the musical, but I look forward to it. 😉 Sink me!

Sir Ian McKellen, you were a handsome Youngman!! 😉

Katie scratched her eye today with my old sunglasses. I feel bad. I was looking at fabric and she was rifling through my purse, and she has been crying ever since. She did get a new pony and some candy out of it. But she’s been a very good girl today, considering that I was not up to being a very active mommy.

Did I mention that Audrey said her first word? YES!  the first weekend of April, she said Mama. I have witnesses. Ok, one witness, but it was my dad, so there you go. The next weekend she said “Dada” so I am quite pleased. No random object realization for her, it’s Mom and dad! 🙂 She is full on Scooting now. which is adorable. And a little annoying, We’d prefer her to crawl, but I doubt if it should happen at this point.

Derringer Meryl [Sweet Thang] Out

This is a twilight post. I think that statement should warn you pretty well.

I read New Moon and Twilight together, consecutively after my Mother in law and sister in law met Stephenie Meyer at BYU for a lecture one day.  Had I known then that I would become such a squealy fan girl, I would have demanded I went with so I could lick her face… or ask her to blow her nose in a tissue to so I could make clone. (HAHA, I’m crazy.) In any case, they suggested I read them, because they were (and are) good. So I hesitantly agreed. I’m not good at reading books people suggest and say “Oh you’d enjoy it!” I usually spend months trying to drag my way through suggested books. The therapist I went to recently actually says I probably lack the attention span to read. He’s quite right. I’m not a good reader. I was once an excellent reader. I think I heard too much that I was an excellent reader, and now I’m lazy about it. Anyway, not the point here….

I sat down and read Twilight in a short 8 hours or so. I stayed up to finish it. It was RIGHT up my alley as predicted. I immediately started New moon, which took me days to finish. It was hard. It felt like it was hard to write too. I chalked it up to poor writing on Smeyer’s behalf, but after reading and re-reading and learning and thinking, i realize that it wasn’t hard for her to write because of writers block or poor writing skills or anything like that– it was emotionally difficult to force her characters to do something emotionally difficult. To make the story more complex.  It was physically hard for me to read it as it was like looking in an emotional mirror, on some levels.

I, like so many others, saw myself in Bella. In High school, I struggled emotionally with depression. I struggled physically with the energy it took to get out of bed and go to school. To be at school. I felt like I was being smothered… Like I was drowning. Nothing was fun, or happy. (Which I’m sure you can understand is no reflection on the people around me. I could have been at disneyland and I would have felt like this) Even through some of the happiest times, I felt like I was drowning. I wish i could pinpoint what exactly made me feel so horrible. There are a lot of things I could blame it on.  Mostly things were bad. They felt bad. I felt bad. And as I turn the pages November, December, January…. last time I read it, I cried. I cried for the years I lost to depression, and I did. The experiences I missed, or couldn’t fully enjoy. For the friends I lost, for the people who stood by me. For my parents who had to watch as I became just a shell of myself. Who couldn’t help me like they so desperately wanted to…. I had convinced myself on several occasions that if God really loved me, and really wanted me to be happy, then it was ok to Kill myself because I would be happier dead. For those who say “I knew that book was no good, See Bella tries to kill herself” I say, what the hell book are you reading? Bella only keeps going because that’s what Edward wants. Also, I say, who are you to judge? Sure she’s a fictional character in an alternative universe, but HEY, have you ever felt so down that you felt like killing yourself is the only escape? That the harshness of this world is too much and you just need to escape. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem… but You can’t judge the people who have done it. Just don’t. You haven’t been where they are. You can be mad at them, and mourn them, miss them… don’t judge them.

I feel as though the new movie (as you may have heard, they’re making New Moon into a movie) is going to spill all my emotions onto a screen with a poor actor who couldn’t possibly understand. I feel like she will be making a farce of all the tender emotions… How can you know? How can you possibly act out the agony of depression? It is not simply moping around with a frowny face or avoiding friends.  I felt physically broken.  This isn’t some tawdry scene of feeling sad because a boy left. It is the deep agonizing journey to try and repair a hole that someone or something has ripped in you. I am afraid of the disrespect that the actors, writers and directors could pay to this while focusing on wardrobe, chilled beverages, and keeping their primadonna actors in line and doing what they’re paid to do… instead of the emotional weight that the book carries.

Maybe I’m the only one who is that emotional about the book.

Derringer Meryl [Depression claims lives even when it doesn’t kill] Out