Undone

*sighs* I went to school today. I got a new assignment from class (wahoo) it’s due in april, so I need to get that done. Then I need to read my two books for class (Blah and blah-er) and write two more papers for my psychology class. (I should be doing that paper soon, so i don’t get swept up in the busy-ness of wedding prep.)

It’s been just over a week since Scott and I made it officially unofficial (I don’t have a ring yet, but we’re still getting married 🙂 June Ninth) We introduce each other as our fiance (if you read in the comments that’s what he posts as.) I love being engaged to Scott. I love Scott. It’s mind boggling how fast this all worked…. *sighs* The wedding planning is getting stressful. It seems like my brain is taking in a lot of excess stuff that doesn’t need to be there. Maybe that’s just me. Maybe I’m just one more ADD Bride who feels like there are two million things that need planned and wedding planners (like day planners for weddings) only make the stress worse. I’m horrible at making choices. In fact, i don’t like to make them at all. that’s just me. I just– really don’t like decisions. I like input (I get a lot, I just space it out) and I like opinions and ….

I guess that’s the best part of getting married. Someone to rely on and help out. All of the wedding stuff I’ve been reading says “Make the groom be involved.” Scott’s more involved than me I think. 🙂 I think it’s cute. I always ask his opinion, because– well… Brides tend to get this thing going of “It’s my special day and I’m gonna do it the way I want!” Which is wrong. The whole fetching idea is wrong. While most of the time the groom is still elated that the bride actually said “I do” he doesn’t care what anything looks like. I’d have to say that for me and Scott, this is OUR day. I’m elated he loves me. He’s elated that I love him (to stick words in his mouth, hee) and so, we want our day to be great.

I’m pretty much in happy giddy wonderful jubilant land. Even if my wedding cake is falling apart, and the happy couple standing on top have devil horns and start chasing around the guests– I couldn’t be happier. Because I’ll be with Scott.

Derringer Meryl [All Sapped] Out

Looking back on yesterday, i realize I should probably wait later in the day to write my entries…. but then I’d loose some of the intricacies of what goes on through out the day, ya know?

I went to sleep with my Bunny Bear last night. I think I’m reverting back into some childlike state when Scott’s not around.

I have a test in my Legal Secretary class today. it’s midterm (HUZZAH! Only alittle while longer and i’m FREE!) I know that makes me sound Like I hate school. I don’t hate the actual learning … I love that. I just hate the waking up and the driving (which sounds insane, it isn’t that far) and then attempting to find a parking place– the stairs, and sometimes I really dislike the other students…. so yeah, I’d probably do better when I’m not around those things– but I have to be. So I am.

Alright– I’m going to focus my energy into staying awake now– sans caffiene.

Derringer Meryl [Toodles] Out

I just got done reading one of my Bridal Magazines. Some of it was helpful. Some of it was junk, and some of it was just plain mind blowing. I guess it takes being on this side of getting married (not the “Im watching you, but I don’t understand what’s going on side” but the “I’m the one actually doing it” side) to feel this stressed.

I wanted to stay on at GS until the semester is over so I could stay with a PT job until then. I don’t know if I’m going to be able to do that. I just looked through the list of everything that needs to be planned, and … wow. Florists and tuxes and cakes and… *gasps for air* I think the magazine is going for a more complicated wedding than I was planning in my brain. *shakes her head* Blah.

The more I read, the more I really don’t want a reception. Heh. Or at least don’t want to plan it. I’m one of those “I’ll think about it later” people (I suffer from Scarlett Syndrome) and so I flip through the magazine, and just go “I can’t be worrying about all this right now. I have school!” *raises her fist in a victory pose* I will do both. Other girls can do both. So can I. *nods* I’m gonna do it, and I’m gonna succeed.

and Now– I’m gonna go to work. Maybe someday they’ll give me a raise.

heh.

Derringer Meryl [Wow. Eye opening] Out

I didn’t have time to blog last night, and this morning I woke up too late, so i’m guessing i can do it now, from school (or Skool) Say hello to beautiful Community College campus. Not huge, but i just walked half of the campus, and it’s a pretty nice day, i thought about walking all of it just for fun, so I could think about things, but I ended up deciding against it. I’m not wearing a watch, and could be seriously late to class.

I woke up this morning and decided to not eat. not necessarily in a manner of fasting, but a “I’m just too dang nervous to eat anything at all” type thing. Besides the fact that i can’t have milk for breakfast (lactose intolerant) and all we have to eat pretty much is breakfast cereal, I decided not to risk it.

Scott is going to meet Guts, Marco and Gert today. I’m sorta excited. Not sorta, I am excited. Scott means SO much to me, and my co-workers (I guess Gert is the only one who falls only into that catagory) are my friends. Scott said not to freak about it. But Guts calls me “Mistress Molesta Dawn” and I’m not even kidding. Scott thought it was funny. I have to agree, it’s my funniest name yet.

I feel like i’m bouncing around the topic i want to talk about– I’m afraid to talk about it. Sorta the “if you talk about your wishes they won’t come true” mentality i think. I don’t want to jinx it. I don’t want to build up all of these good feelings and just loose them because i’m too stupid to realize otherwise.

I forgot to talk to my parents about staying over at Mandarin’s house this weekend (full nickname Mandarin the Corruptor, she picked it, so there ya go) she’s one of Scott’s excellent friends (excellent is my word, all of his friends are his best friends. Which is a lot like me. All of my friends are my best friend) and she’s invited me to stay at her house after D&D this week. It’d be SO nice to do that, I just … hope I remember right that my parents said yes. *sighs* living with your parents who treat you like you’re still sixteen, is a drag. The uber drag. *makes notes to not be a drag when a parent of a teenager later in life*

I parked uber far away, Dax is gonna be so angry. Too bad! so sad! heh. we need the exercise, and plus, i didn’t want to stalk someone for their parking spot. (here I am dancing around the subject again)

I’m just making myself ill with worry. My mom keeps making plans and I say “Scott doesn’t have his answer, and I don’t want to assume yes.” *sighs* this is not the kind of thing you enter into lightly– but it feels so right. I’ve never been happier than when i’m with Scott…. and his friends all say that he’s happiest with me. what can I say besides Hearing that makes me giddy. (giddy is the word of the week i’m thinking) Nothing else has ever felt this right. I’m hoping God agrees. For two main reasons…. 1) I love Scott, and I want to be with him forever. 2) I don’t know the road back from here emotionally. If this weren’t to work out– I’m just not sure what i’d do. I’m not saying this is a “We’re going to do this or else I’ll kill myself” type thing. Heck no. It’s more of a “If this doesn’t work out, i’m not sure where i’d go from here.” type thing. I’d probably still quit Gamestop as I am planning to do. It’s become viciously apparent from going to the mall and my mom saying “Ohh look at these rings” while I shrugged her off…. (she’s been all for this since day one.) that the teeny pay check I pull in from GS won’t support any of my wedding aspirations. So I’m guessing I’m going to have to grow up, and throw Gamestop in the trash, like i’ve been assuming for a long time. :S But I remain there for the social aspect, that’s why i’m still there– why i put up with the stupid demands and the horribly low pay. (i’m the lowest paid worker at my store, I can almost guarantee) I might just go and be a waitress for a while. I’ll be one of the good ones too, the ones that don’t spit in your food. Heh. 😀

Anyway– I had better go. I have classes that I should TRY to focus on, but I’m telling you– my brains won’t be there. I’ll be thinking of Scott… and praying, the entire time.

Dn Angel: A Graceful Evening

even peaceful time and the sorrows of a small heart

appeared to be shining very beautifully

the wind blows against the silent you

that’s just so pleasant I sing a little song

when you stare at me, I can’t really breathe

hey… please don’t laugh

peaceful time passes away silently

I didn’t notice it but spring has come

soon everything will reach the sky

just swaying swaying swaying and floating there

you can stand in the wind, flowing far away in the stream

lets quietly disappear so that no one can interfere

quietly…

peaceful time passes away silently

I didn’t notice it but spring has come

even the tiny world in our tiny hands

are glittering, shining as if we’re inside a dream

as if we’re inside a dream

as if we’re inside a dream

Derringer Meryl [Jpop Queen] Out

I woke up this morning feeling the best I have in a long time. Usually (because I’m lucky, and it’s my lot in life) i wake up feeling sick. Excess stomach acid the doctors say. I say they’re trying to get me to take more pills, and I could regulate it without medication, but it would involve me becoming a hermit and living via the internet and credit cards– and an inexhaustible amount of money.

Somehow, I woke up this morning, and I didn’t feel sick. I didn’t feel nauseous, I didn’t feel anything but a little tired (five to six hours of sleep will do that to you.)

I spent my morning fasting. I thought it was a swell idea, really. Of course, i neglected to remember that today was my “you have to walk up six flights of stairs to get to class” day. So after two flights (one floor up from the entrance) I began to get a little woozy. I was too weak to open the water I had allowed myself to buy simply on the fact that a girl has to stay hydrated (it’s another talent of mine to become dehydrated at the drop of the proverbial hat.) and I couldn’t really deal with the idea of passing out because of lack of water. So I struggled up the remaining flights of stairs, asked a fellow student to open my bottle (I’m such a freak) and drank. Where upon finishing drinking (not the entire bottle, a few swigs though) I decided to leave the class room and break my fast with a prayer.

Other than the passing out, the day was without much incident.

I went out shopping with my mom, and she treated me to an Italian Soda…. It made me happy, even if they didn’t put any whipped cream on it.

I should be writing for my class right now. I suppose I’d better get to that– but honestly that’s just what i’m going to do until Scott gets online…. then I’m totally talking to him. This whole “homework” thing is starting to wear on me. Especially when the teacher is so specific about what she wants.

Today I’ve been assigned to write a piece that takes place in a small unit of time. BLAH! What does that mean? None of my prose is longer than 500 words, and none of my poetry would really work. Is my teacher insinuating that I should actually WORK in a Creative writing class? *gasps* Oh the horror! The HORROR!

Alright– 🙂 *Shifty eyes* I just wish I could explain more about things. But I gotta keep my mouth shut.

Derringer Meryl [I know something… Special?] Out