Undone

so– fifteen or so hours when i finish work tonight, for this week alone. *smiles* that means out of my alotted hours of time in my life this week, i’ve spent (or will soon) spend fifteen and a half hours working.

*frowns* I can think of fifty million other things i’d like to do. Like hang out with my friends, which i never get to do anymore. Blah.

I bought a new game, Sword of the Berserk: Guts Rage and i’m liking it. The thing is, is that, i’m not a little girl any more. When i get done watching an anime, or a movie, i feel sad, and a little bitter. Because, *sighs* Okay, in this video game Guts, who is this hardcore guy who thinks “i don’t need you, and i don’t need one damn person in this world.” Basically a guy after my own heart, but somehow, a fellow warrior, Caska, works her way into his heart. He falls in love with her, and she’s completely smitten herself… and then…. she looses her mind. Another guy does some real shibby stuff to her, and she’s gone. Guts ends up devoting his life, to make her remember what they had before.

And I get all sad, and angry, because i don’t have that. I dont’ have someone who would kill a hundred men to save me. Hell, I don’t have someone who would risk being pricked by a thorn because they love me. I mean, amorous kind of love, not like “My mommy and daddy love me…” type love. I have that coming out my ears. i guess i should be grateful, but …

you begin to miss what you never had, simply by seeing what others have.

Now, the two-hundred-million-dollar question….

Do I love someone enough to fight off a hundred men?

Well. yes. I try to make it go away, and i guess i try to hate people, but… deep down, i love people. That doesn’t mean they don’t annoy me to the point of wanting to murder them sometimes– but… Yeah, I love someone enough to die for them.

I’d crawl two thousand miles on broken glass, just to lie in their shade.

It’s sick.

I’m sick.

Derringer Meryl [and i never want to do this again] Out

I have to admit, life gets a lot more hectic as you get older. I mean, I get hassled by everyone about college, and jobs. (no offense to anyone, I just wish there was something else we could talk about sometimes…) Not to mention… well, I know two girls from my senior class that are getting married. I’m not saying i want to right yet, especially since there isnt’ anyone who seems keen on the idea of marriage and me. *shrugs*

And I …. i don’t know what to say. It shocks me to see all of these girls getting married. I mean, we just graduated, there’s so much else we could do. That’s on one side of my brain– and the other, well…. it says:

“Wouldn’t it be so nice? To have someone sweep you off your feet, and kiss you andhold you at night– who loves you and wants to be with you forever? Someone to do things with, and someone to come home to… doesn’t that sound nice?”

and I have to agree with that side of the brain. I have little fantasies going on in my brain nearly twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. Of someone chasing after me like in a bad sappy movie, and i’ve spent so much time trying to figure out why guys don’t chase me down like they do girls in chick flicks. And I finally came up with, i’m not in a movie. Sure, everything looks pretty and shiny in a movie, and we’d all love life to work out that way, even for just a little while. But the thing is, it doesn’t. Ever. No Man will ever throw me up against a wall and kiss me. Because I’m not a star of a film, and i don’t have a script…

i don’t know how it’s going to work out in the end.

But even for just a moment, it would be nice. I mean, sure i get little snippets. Take for example when Monkey would come into work… i could hear the music in my head swell, and what not. Sure, he may not be the hero in my little life novel, but that’s what’s so interesting….. you never know what’s going to happen in life. I guess that’s what makes it worth living in the long run.

I don’t suppose i’m the only girl in the world who wishes she was smacked up against the wall into a good ole fashioned make out session with the guy of their dreams…. now am i? If i was, then those damn movies wouldn’t sell so well.

Fourth Report

I have to say my fourth this year, was much different than last. Last year I was watching three guys play basketball and cuss every three seconds, all while the guy of my dreams (at that time) looked at porn. *shrugs* This year it was like i was staring in my own porn video… but like last year, i’m walking away with a new lesson filed in my head.

God doesn’t want me to do things like that, because if i hadn’t left, i would have done something i would be regretting. Or at least i would have tried. In any case, it would have lead to bad things. *frowns* And I feel like a very bad Meryl…. Friends don’t do the things we did… or at least i didn’t think so.

Red says friends shag sometimes. I have to admit i don’t have any friends like that. I don’t want to have snog buddies. I want it to be something special, not just a romp and wait for a phone call.

Besides…. I value some of my friends more than that. I love all of my friends, but i wouldn’t ….. i couldn’t ever make their friendship into some kind of sex toy thing. *shakes her head* If I gave it out like candy, it’d be devalued, and then where would i be?

State Street. That’s where.

Derringer Meryl [Hey Sailor looking for a] Out

Guys dont’ think in code. Girls do. So when girls try to figure out what guys are thinking, they try to decode it– but it doesn’t work out because– there’s nothing there to decode. It’s so simple it often boggles the female brain.

And while it seems communication between the two sexes would remedy all complications between both sexes, it would seem that either are too shy, too scared, and unsure to do anythign about their miscommuncations, and simply allow them to continue forward.

I’m one of those girls. The girls who think guys are coded. Mostly I’m just too scared, and confused, and I can’t ask for help, or clarification, that’d be a weakness, and I cant’ let the enemy see my weakness.

Since when did guys become the enemy?

All I know is that I get lost and confused when I get around Monkey. He makes me feel all happy, and yet… slightly scared. I don’t know where I”m going, or when or why or any of that– and the thing is, if you ask you could ruin the ride. It’s back to the sunny island you’ve been sent to. You can enjoy the time you have, or risk it to find out you’re being experimented on for some nasty cosmetics company.

Right.

It’s like the fear you feel in a relationship is the price you have to pay for feeling so good.

The question still remains– where am I?

Derringer Meryl [That’s okay cause I like the abuse] Out

So it’s uber late, and I’m up, writing in this… because I haven’t gotten around to writing in my physical journal… but this entry would (and does) vary very much from the real journal.

Because anyone can read this one. The other one, I’d say is under lock and key… but it isn’t… so … that would be really lame. Blah.

The psychological theory or proximity in choosing a mate is interesting. Also, it’s interesting to test it’s application in real life. I mean, take this for example. I used to have crush on my former Assistant Manager. I don’t any more, because I never see him. Don’t get me wrong, he’s still a friggin’ hot toddie, but the elastic in my underwear has ceased to melt. Maybe it’s because we don’t talk all the time, or maybe I’ve finally hyped myself out of it… I dont’ know. But it’s done. It’s run it’s course, and it’s done.

then I liked this guy from another store. Barely knew him, never saw him… blah, all of it. Now that, was pure, unadulterated LUST!! How can I tell? Well the fact that I couldn’t breathe around him, and the fact that I don’t remember hardly anything that he ever said to me, but I could tell you, he has one hell of a six pack and the most gorgeous smile you’ll ever see on a man…. *drools* that’s lust. I want him for his body. then that was done. Mostly with the whole multiple rejection thing and because he doesn’t seem too interested (cause I’m so damn fine…. HA!)

Then there’s this new guy. It wasn’t like a *WHOOSH* crush. It was like a gradual thing. In fact in the beginning i hated him. He was a major pain to me. Competition or something. Vying for our bosses attention. Sure, I thought he was handsome, but it wasn’t the major thing I noticed. he wasn’t a major pig was actually the first thing I noticed. he was polite, but not like prom polite, ya know? where you just open the door because it’s prom and you figure, “Well it’s just for tonight….” and then you do it…. Naw, he was like genuine.

My friend Red keeps telling me that I”m so brave, and that I always have the courage to ask guys out…. and I’m so brave and what not. The truth is, It took me a year to tell my assistant manager that I liked him. And I did that over this journal. (See the Pancakes and Gardina’s thing… crazy crap) and the other guy, well I was off in “I’m so happy i found an inexpensive prom dress and i could be going with the most handsome guy i have ever seen and could be a model” land that there was no time to be nervous. (Oh, yeah and he shot me down — like an american fighter pilot.) Eh, What can you do? So when It comes to this guy, he seems so nice, and ya know, i don’t have the perfect “He so wonderful” image in my mind (which is actually good, because that just ends up hurtin’ ya more.) he’s got flaws, but they balance with mine.

I guess the other guys were shots into the mystical wonderland of “NOT EVEN POSSIBLE” -ville that it didnt’ hurt because i was expecting it. I don’t know what to expect here, Really. I’m not sure what is going on in his mind…. but DAMN, would I love to crawl through it sometime.

and the fact he could be reading this, at any time, is really scary to me. Cause it’s like — ripping your heart out, splattering it on the net, and then waiting…..

I think the waiting is the worst

for the rejection that I KNOW will come. I can’t say I’m welcoming it with open arms, but it’s like…. an expected thing now.

A sturdy “Sorry but NO, Meryl.” and off to Ben and Jerry’s Land. (as well as 20 pounds heavier.

Whatever. Apathy is the key to living a successful life.

Derringer Meryl [Scared Pantsless] Out

Okay, so I’m the queen of oddity, I know that.

But over the past few days I’ve been thinking, a lot, about the human mind. The balance we all have inside of good and evil, passion and romance, love and apathy. All of these things balance inside of us, and too much of one or the other can make us—

inhuman.

unhuman. whatever, I don’t know. But you aren’t feeling or living or anything like that if you’re experiencing too much of one thing. Balance. Man did the chinese or who ever thought of balance have it right!

Too much passion and you spoil it. The relationship, the experience, anything. Too much passion and love becomes hate. Too much romance keys you towards an unfulfilled desire. it’s really– interesting how the human mind works. How we don’t completely understand even though our existence has been long and — slow. We are some of the slowest things on this earth. We learn very little. Even the smartest person on this earth could not tell me why people do what they do.

You are not truly intelligent unless you know the workings of the human mind.

I know it seems like crap, and total…. well BS and what not…. but think about it. We know nothing or next to it, about the human psyche. How we live and move and have personality. Where does that all go after we die? I mean I know, and I only do because I’ve searched for it…. but scientifically no one can prove it. They won’t know. They don’t have balance. HA!

Guys are always wondering what girls want from relationships. Honestly I can answer that question without a moments pause.

We have NO clue whatsoever what we want. Good luck guessing, because we are too. We want an amazing lover, who is gentle, romantic, passionate, and kind. We want a just man, a quiet man, a handsome man, a pious man….. blah blah blah! I could go on forever, but it’s a matter of fact that each girl not only wants something different, it is also a possibility that she is conflicted in what she wants from a guy.

I know I am. Romance and Passion are conflicting attributes. So there. *shrugs* I don’t know what i want, but I do know there is someone out there for me.

Derringer Meryl [Someday I’ll find a door that opens, it’s called faith, look it up] Out