Undone

Feeling the pressure of other not so happy things happening in my life right now. I guess it’s the after Christmas sting. My family could use me to give up the ghost at Gamestop and work some place that pays me decent…. oh and works me decent hours. It’s just hard to find a job late at night, ya know? Most REAL jobs are during the day. I think i’m just gonna have to stick to school until after finals, find a real job, and work Gamestop and a real job at the same time. There just is no winning. I don’t like feeling the stress of needing money. If I wasn’t so sold on the whole society thing, i’d be a hermit and not need all of this crap.

It’s hard. Really Really hard. I haven’t saved a spec for college next term. I haven’t focused on anything really. I need to do something, ANYTHING to make up the difference. If I could, I’d work at a restaurant, but most places won’t hire me yet. I’m not twenty-one so I can’t work for them yet, as far as I know. Besides, I would have to ask Gert to make my schedule stable enough so I could actually get another job. Then there’s the question, when would i have time for me? Two jobs and full time school. Ick. I’d pretty much be cutting out any time i could spend with Scott or anyone else for that matter. Besides the fact I don’t know when I’d do my homework. *sighs* I can see the option of taking up sunday work at work, then i could get one extra shift in a week.

But…. I really don’t want to do that.

Blah. Onto other things.

Like happy things. I went to see Marco today. He says it’s nice to see me with a huge grin on my face. I have to say that it’s nice to be grinning this much. I like the reason that i’m grinning too. 🙂 I’m waiting to do my homework until later on tonight, i’m such a procrastinator, so i can talk to Scott while i’m doing it. 😉 it’s just so much more fun to do things when i’m talking to him, it’s funner just being around him. I smile and I talk, and I say things… and i’m just giddy that i met him, and that i know him. He’s different from anyone else i’ve ever met. It makes me smile, just thinking about it. Sorta makes all the bad things go away in life. It’s really … really…. nice. It’s wonderful. I don’t think i know words for how good it feels. 🙂 I definitely want to spend more time with him. Normally i’m a pretty shy person, but when i’m with Scott, i just feel like i don’t need to be. Like it’s okay.

Like I’ll be okay.

Anyway, I have a lyric Spew, I may have already done this one but i’m not sure i care. It’s Postal Service Which is one my favorite bands, groups, whatever. I’m not sure what they are. *nods* but this is their song Such Great Heights.

was thinking it’s a sign that the freckles

in our eyes are mirror images and when

we kiss they’re perfectly aligned

and I have to speculate that god himself

did make us into corresponding shapes like

puzzle pieces from the clay

and true, it may seem like a stretch, but

its thoughts like this that catch my troubled

head when you’re away when I am missing

you to death

when you are out there on the road for

several weeks of shows and when you scan

the radio, I hope this song will guide you

home

they will see us waving from such great

heights, “come down now,” they’ll say

but everything looks perfect from far away,

“come down now,” but we’ll stay…

I tried my best to leave this all on your

machine but the persistent beat it sounded

thin upon listening

and that frankly will not fly. you will hear

the shrillest highs and lowest lows with

the windows down when this is guiding

you home

Anyway, i’m flipping through some job ads, so I better keep my mind on that for a while. I might start my homework at nine or so, maybe. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [No Body Else] Out

First off, not all Rollins Band Songs are good (in the lacking of cussing way). Not all of them are my favorite, and I have to admit, they probably all sound like me in one mood or another. My CD player is retarded, and won’t play them (is sad, dang it!) But I like what I heard, and this song really struck me.

Liar, Rollins Band

you think you’re going to live your life alone

in darkness and seclusion… yeah, I know

you’ve been out there and tried to mix with those animals

and it just left you full of humiliated confusion

so you stagger back home and wait for nothing

but the solitary refinement of your room spits you back onto the streets

and now you’re desperate and in need of human contact

and then you meet me and your whole world changes

because everything I say is everything you’ve ever wanted to hear

so you drop all you defenses, and you drop all your fears and you trust me

completely, I’m perfect in every way

’cause I make you feel so strong and so powerfull inside

you feel so lucky

but your ego obscures reality that you never bothered to

wonder why things are going so well

you want to know why?

’cause I’m a liar, yeah, I’m a liar

I’ll tear (rip) your mind up, I’ll burn your soul

I’ll turn you into me, I’ll turn you into me

’cause I’m a liar, a liar, a liar, a liar…

I’ll hide behind a smile and understanding eyes

and I’ll tell you things that you already know so you can say:

I really identify with you, so much

and all the time that you’re needing me is just the time

that I’m bleeding you, don’t you get it yet?

I’ll come to you like an affliction then I’ll leave you like an addiction

you’ll never forget me… wou wanna know why?

I don’t know why I feel the need to lie and cause you so much pain

maybe it’s something inside, maybe it’s something I can’t explain

’cause all I do is mess you up and lie to you

I’m a liar, ooh, I’m a liar

but if you’ll give me another chance I swear I’ll never lie to you again

’cause now I see the destructive power of a lie,

they’re stronger than truth

I ca’t believe I ever hurt you, I swear I will never lie to you again

please, just give me more chance, I’ll never lie to you again, no,

I swear, I will never tell a lie, I will neer tell a lie, no, no

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! Sucker! Sucker! Sucker!

I am a liar, yeah, I am a liar, yeah, I am a liar

I lie you, I feel good, I am a liar, yeah

I lie X4 ooh, I lie, yeah, I lie

I’m a liar, I lie, I like it, I feel good, I like it, and again

I like it again and I’ll keep lying, I’ll promise

You want to know what. I’m gonna have to insert a bit of a rant here. Sorry for those of you who dislike rants. I’d like to hurt a lot of people who are being REALLY stupid. I”m a firm believer in the compassionate way is the right way. I’m a firm believer that making someone you love happy will make you happy.

Can you imagine how much it would disappoint my parents if I told them “Hey, ya, I was thinking, I want to be a bartender.” And I mean, it’s not about the drinks. I want to talk to people. I don’t want to be pretentious and hide behind a degree. I don’t want to hurt my family. I’m not the kind of person who would say “Screw you Mom and Dad, you gave me everything i ever had, and any hopes you have for me have been officially flushed down the toilet. sorry!” I just… don’t want to hurt them like that. I guess the people at work don’t understand that. Don’t understand what love is, or how it works. I’m not sacrificing much. In fact, I’m not really that serious about being a bartender. I don’t really care.

And what I hate more, is people who ACT like they understand. Act like they’re your friends, but ambush you when you don’t want to do something like them “What Meryl, you don’t want to go out and Drink? WHy not? Are you some sort of sissy follower? Your mommy and Daddy get mad?” I feel like smacking the ever so nice friends of mine who maybe don’t PARTICIPATE In the ribbing, but don’t stop it either.

Screw the pansy walking around it. I’m fetching pissed. I don’t care what you do with your life. Do it. Do what you want. Can you not have the same respect for me? Gert sucks (for scheduling me the wrong day), Monkey Sucks (for not standing up for me), Artemis sucks (for always making me feel substandard), but Guts doesn’t. He was gross (IMO) but i always find it funny when he says it. *shrugs* I don’t know why. I suppose it’s because he never directs it at me!

I’m tired of being a target because I appear innocent. I”m tired of being the one everyone goes after because I’m good. I’m not perfect, but i’m not an ubersinner. I’m not my parent’s puppet. I’m not THEIR puppet. All they want is their turn to stick their hands into my strings and play me. I’m done. No more. As I have been repeatedly told, I might have to tell them to stick it where the sun doesn’t shine. :S I’m no one’s puppet. Maybe some opinions that are strong have influenced mine– but I’m fairly “do what you want, I do what i want, and we all can be happy.”

Derringer Meryl [Spanking her inner Moppet] Out

I have to lyric spew this. I love this song, and in the silence of the night, i’m falling in love with it. It’s more beautiful than anything I can think of.

I Miss You, Blink182

Hello there, the angel from my nightmare

The shadow in the background of the morgue

The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley

We can live like Jack and Sally if we want

Where you can always find me

We’ll have Halloween on Christmas

And in the night we’ll wish this never ends

We’ll wish this never ends

(I miss you I miss you)

(I miss you I miss you)

Where are you and I’m so sorry

I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight

I need somebody and always

This sick strange darkness

Comes creeping on so haunting every time

And as I stared I counted

Webs from all the spiders

Catching things and eating their insides

Like indecision to call you

and hear your voice of treason

Will you come home and stop this pain tonight

Stop this pain tonight

Don’t waste your time on me you’re already

The voice inside my head (miss you miss you)

Don’t waste your time on me you’re already

The voice inside my head (miss you miss you)

Don’t waste your time on me you’re already

The voice inside my head (I miss you miss you)

Don’t waste your time on me you’re already

The voice inside my head (I miss you miss you)

Derringer Meryl [Loving what is sang to me] Out

I’m tired. I’m arguing with The Specialist, and I have to say that I provoked it. I”m in a magical kind of odd mood. Where I swing understandably from one happy mood to an angry one without warning. I’m slightly Gert-ish. Anyway. Time for a Lyric Spew. Extraordinary, Liz Phair

You think that I go home at night

Take off my clothes, turn out the lights

But I burn letters that I write

To you, to make you love me

Yeah, I drive naked through the park

And run the stop sign in the dark

Stand in the street, yell out my heart

To make, to make you love me

I am extraordinary, if you’d ever get to know me

I am extraordinary, I am just your ordinary

Average every day sane psycho

Supergoddess

Average every day sane psycho

You may not believe in me

But I believe in you

So I still take the trash out

Does that make me too normal for you?

So dig a little deeper, cause

You still don’t get it yet

See me lickin’ my lips, need a primitive fix

And I’ll make, I’ll make you love me

I am extraordinary, if you’d ever get to know me

I am extraordinary, I am just your ordinary

Average every day sane psycho

Supergoddess

Average every day sane psycho

Supergoddess

See me jump through hoops for you

You stand there watching me performing

What exactly do you do?

Have you ever thought it’s you that’s boring?

Who the hell are you?

I am extraordinary, if you’d ever get to know me

I am extraordinary, I am just your ordinary

Average every day sane psycho

Supergoddess

Average every day sane psycho

Average every day sane psycho

Supergoddess

Average every day sane psycho

Average every day sane psycho

Supergoddess

Average every day sane psycho

Average every day sane psycho

Yeah, that’s me. I’m insane. I’m extraordinary, but no one takes the time to know me. And with the exception of Dax and My mom, my family doesn’t know me. It’s like them and us. I’m affection starved. Especially for as large of a family that i have. That doesn’t mean I don’t get it, but you want it from certain people, and they go along assuming that you’ll always dote on them the way you did when you were eight. I’m tired — and I’m upset that even within my own family, even with my own siblings, never an ounce of affection was ever directed back at me. There was a time I would have never imagined arguing with the Specialist, all I wanted was to be good enough for him. And it seems through impeccably high standards, i’ve given up. Maybe it’s all intrinsic. Maybe I’m still doing this all inside of my head. Maybe I was just a supremely annoying child, (I have no doubt) but that doesn’t mean that he didn’t mean the world to me at one point. Which he did. Every part of it.

Derringer Meryl [Reminice] Out

what a bad monkey i am. I only wrote two entries last week.

Let me tell you, last week sucked hobo butt. I don’t mean the clean hobos who are actually fairly well off people who go home to a nice house after panning on the streets all day, I mean the crazy hobo who can’t make any sense when he talks. Yep. That kind of hobo. and possibly a stabbing hobo. Whatever.

I got a new CD, thanks to my mom. I know i’m a sissy girl who still lives with her parents and gets all of this stuff for free. It was actually my mom paying me back for a favor i did, so it’s slightly more legit than me going “Mommy I want this” and therefore getting my way. Most of the time i pay for my luxury items. Magazines and the like, but sometimes I whine enough that my loving mother buys me stuff. *nods* What i really want are the back issues of the Newtype magazine that are sold in a store that is across the valley. (approx. 10 miles, at least we guess as much) *shrugs* Anyway, I got the Newfound Glory, Sticks and Stones CD. I was pretty excited. I was stuck between like four maybe five CDs that I wanted. (that I really really wanted.) The New No Doubt Singles Mix thingy, Liz Phair’s Newest, Alanis Morisette’s Jagged little Pill, Linkin Park Meteora (which I’m getting soon anyway), and Hoobastank’s newest. I’m pretty into music now days, which is a total 180 from what i used to be. I used to not care, I guess i can thank Chunga for that, as well as my old psych teacher (who introduced me to 10,000 Maniacs) 🙂

Speaking of Good tunes, May I suggest My Friends Over You,New Found Glory For your happy intake of musical goodness? You might think NFG is just another punk band, but i beg to differ. They have unique lyrics, and while you’d expect the lyrics to fall into a Dashboard Confessional type Punk (whiney and quiet, though I do still like them) they are still the traditional screaming and angry, though the lyrics are quiet sounding.

Before i get to the lyric spew i need to get something off my chest. I’ve been thinking lately about the line from As Good As It Gets Jack Nicholson’s character says to Helen Hunt’s, “You make me want to be a better man,” and i’ve been thinking. That compliment would make me melt. But when i examine my own dating situations. Anyone who makes me feel like i need to change to be good enough for them, slightly annoys me. I suppose it’s all in the attitude. Being in love enough that you’d change yourself for a person, as opposed to feeling like that person is demanding you change so they can date you. I think that’s the key. (Read Hoobastank’s The Reason Lyrics. You’ll sob, I guarentee.) i hate to hurt people. But i don’t like the feeling that someone won’t like me unless i’m different for them. Maybe that’s just mostly my perception. I don’t know. Maybe it’s not so much that they want me to change as I want to change because i dont’ feel comfortable around them as I am…. If that at all makes sense.

Oh, and if the Specialist happens to be reading this, I want you to ask Antigone if I can ask her some questions. I’m just a curious little monkey. Badger, whatever. I’m some sort of animal or something. Besides a curious little badger doesn’t sound as catchy as a curious little monkey.

Now does it?

Right, Lyric Spew. You know who it is, and what song, so deal with it.

I’m drunk off your kiss

For another night in a row

This is becoming too routine for me

But I did not mean to lead you on

And it’s all right to pretend

That we still talk

It’s just for show, isn’t it

It’s my fault that it fell apart

Just maybe

You need this

And I didn’t mean to

Lead you on

You were everything I wanted

But I just can’t finish what I’ve started

There’s no room left here on my back

It was damaged long ago

Though you swear that you are true

I still pick my friends over you

(My friends over you)

Please tell me everything,

That you think that I should know

About all the plans we made

When I was never to be found

And it’s all right to forget

That we still talk

Its just for fun, isn’t it

It’s my fault that it fell apart

Cuz maybe you need this

And I didn’t mean to

Lead you on

You were everything I wanted

But I just can’t finish what I’ve started

There’s no room left here on my back

It was damaged long ago

Though you swear that you are true

I still pick my friends over you

(My friends over you) x2

Just maybe you need this

You need this…

And I didn’t mean to

Lead you on

You were everything I wanted

But I just can’t finish what I’ve started

There’s no room left here on my back

It was damaged long ago

Though you swear that you are true

I still pick my friends over you

(Repeat)

MY friends over you

Derringer Meryl [So I’m choosing a GUY friend, your point] Out