Undone

Hurrah for spring break, that’s what I have to say. Because of Spring break, i got to spend nearly my entire day with Scott. *beams* So– we went to the mall– originally in the thought to go look at wedding rings for Scott. (as in the one he’ll wear for to keep the girls from mauling him :)) Well, the guy that i know at the jeweler in the mall didn’t work yesterday (or today, what a lazy bum) He’s a really nice guy. *waves her bucket o stuff* I have his card, but I got it when he worked at another location (downtown instead of in the ghetto like he does now…) we went to see Marcus. Scott found out that Worms 3D came out, and now wants that really badly. (I also informed him later that Metal Gear Solid Twin Snakes came out too. Luckily it’s not as expensive of a game– it’s only $39.99, which really isn’t bad for a new game)

After that, I took Scott to meet J-bob (former co-worker) and found him in a rotten mood. (he seems to always be in one lately) So we left before saying goodbye. Psh. I admit it, J-bob used to be one of my best friends. I told him lots. Though< I told Marco more, I told Friendjamin a lot too… But I don’t know. J-bob used to tell me all sorts of neat stories. I felt a really neat connection. we had a lot in common. 🙂 Who knows where that all went. In the garbage when I left. Bah. Who cares.

I had to go to work last night, so Scott stayed at home and played Magic with Dax. I got confronted with the “You’re changing” discussion. I think it’s more of a mood i was in than a permanent change. I understood what the Mouth was saying, and I understood what he meant by me being different around Scott. I am. I’m much happier. I’m a different person now too– Change happens. Happens to everyone. I usually hate change, but this isn’t so bad. 🙂 Not bad at all. The mouth said I was much…. more… snooty I think is the best word I can think of for it.

I don’t know. I just didn’t find the uber metalic armor as funny as he and Guts did. I was sorta in a funk. I don’t know. Maybe my brain wasn’t in the right place to find it so funny. Scott doesn’t get to see it (luckily) but I tend to get a little grouchy when he’s not around. It’s not charming. It’s me all stressed out. Maybe it’s some sort of addiction. Blah. *gets a bad feeling, like after kicking a puppy* I wonder if that’s a bad thing…. *uneasy face*

Well, now i’m aware, I guess I can work on it. I don’t want to get rid of the addiction, I just need to control my actions when Scott’s not around, so I don’t become some sort of uber beyatch.

Derringer Meryl [I loves you Piggies] Out

I really need to get a new layout. New picture, less green this time. 🙂 *nods*

I’ve been thinking a lot. The Mouth gave me a few things to think about yesterday (I couldn’t call Scott at work when I felt all icky, so I annoyed my co-workers instead…) about how Maybe Red could have been in my line if things had worked out differently. I’m not sure. Did I have plans to involve Red in my wedding? yes. I did. Am I certain i want her there now? Not really.

Oh by the way, see where it says Norahl on my side bar over there? Click there to read what she said.

See the thing is, Amy and I … well …. we don’t have the most healthy of relationships. I USED to depend on her for her approval in things. She literally picked out my clothes before dates (I asked for help, I felt like I needed it.) I made her read all of my writings… I desperately needed her in my life to say “You’re doing great, keep going.” And I guess with her gone, i’ve learned to live with out it. Learned that I can pick out clothes that are cute and modest. Realized that my writing doesn’t need her seal of approval. I don’t think what we had was a friendship as an apprenticeship. That’s what it felt like. Sure, we did friend stuff. We hung out, we went shopping– but for me every minute I was looking for her approval.

I guess I don’t need it so much anymore. Maybe that’s another reason why I don’t want her to meet Scott. Or she didn’t meet Scott. I don’t know how my brain works. I can’t make excuses for myself. it’s the lazy way out.

Our relationship was abusive, on both our parts. We know it. We’ve had that discussion before. I guilt her into things, she guilts me into things. We’re both very guilt prone people. We use it, we abuse it. It’s bad.

I don’t think there’s much of a point to this entry– except to say, I don’t think I’ve ever hated or discounted (consciously said she was less than me) Red as a person. I could never hate her. NEVER. I couldn’t throw her out like yesterday’s news. Nope. I do love her as my friend.

I just don’t like the person I become when I’m with her. Some how unconsciously I degrade myself when I’m with her. I’m rude (very very very rude) and I disrespect my parents. I don’t listen to anyone when I’m with her, but her. I put her into the place of power.

I don’t blame Red for this. It’s really REALLY not her fault. It’s mine. It’s some sort of psychological mishap in my brain. In a way, I make her a victim of my victim syndrome.

Whatever.

Derringer Meryl [Trying to Sort things] Out

So many things buzzing through my brain…. lets start with where my brain is first.

I never thought I would have a Fiance. So looking back on my entries, I wrote them as if no one was reading but me. If you ever choose to go back in time and read my angsty highschool ramblings, keep that in mind. Not only if you’re Scott, but if you’re someone reading this. I didn’t expect people to read this… and it’s written as such.

Next, I was thinking about Strawberry Shampoo. I own strawberry shampoo, and I was considering how i came about to own it. While I know Scott loves Strawberries bunches and lots– that’s not when I got it originally. It was because of reading too many Buffy fan fictions. When you describe a scent of someone (Buffy in this case) you like to attribute it to a certain welcoming smell. (at least romantically) Buffy got a lot of Vanilla and Strawberry. So I chose those. I literally have Strawberry Shampoo and Vanilla shampoo in my shower because of Buffy. How oddly sad is that? Now, Normally I like the Vanilla better. I used to use it more often than not– But upon hearing Scott’s favor for Strawberry, I switched– just because. I wanted to see if he’d notice…. (He did, kinda. He didn’t mention it until I mentioned it. :)) I was thinking though– if Joss Whedon sat down with some fragrance people and created a scent and said “This is the scent that Spike can smell on Buffy. It’s what draws men to her. Sure, she has bad luck with men, but you could change that for yourself with this scent.” Yeah, probably not the best wording ever, but it’d sound a lot smoother coming from Joss himself.

Next– I do this thing. I don’t know if Scott Notices it– but almost every night after he drops me off I go and hop on my couch, kneeling so my chest is to the back of the couch– which consequently means you can see right outside through the little peep in the curtains. I watch him drive away. I don’t know why I do– I just do. *shrugs* I guess I should put a Mush warning on here. I don’t care. People should know by now that i’m just all sorts of gushie and what not.

I can’t think of the other things I wanted to say– *sighs* Blah. Oh well. I’m sure there are other odd intricacies of me that I’ll get around to exposing. None of them are embarrassing. … or at least I don’t think they are. Psh. Would I be putting them on here if they were?

The parents meeting went about as I had imagined. the snuggling level was prime. I still lost at the on going tickle war…. curse these tiny hands of mine. *sighs* I’m going to have some pretty nice bruises on my legs (on an unrelated note) I had a little girl sit on my lap today in primary, and she was a foot swinger… right into my leg, like fifty times in five minutes. So that’s gonna be nice. I’m going to have my little pretties burnt off my foot tomorrow. Good bye you little pieces of hell. (seriously hurts to walk or stand too long thanks to the little bits) It’s like my own personal hell on earth, and hopefully after a few treatments, I won’t have them anymore. 😀

This week is Spring Break (Huzzah!!!) so I’m gonna be bummin’ around my house, hobbling as llittle as possible. Maybe sending someone out to get me humorous new slippers (I have six pair at least… I love Slippers. What can I say?) Spending time with Scott– as much as possible if i have my way. I’ll also be calling up a few of my friends whom love me to bits and pieces (because I say so.) and see if they can help me out with the wedding stuff. (Piano player and florist) Of course not for free (psh, I wouldn’t for free!) but in a symbiotic “I help you you help me” Kind of way.

Did I mention I”m trying to grow my nails out again? I find that it helps when scratching Scott’s back, long nails are more effective. Go figure that one out. Also, I’ve been trying to quit biting them for a while now. If I can make it through this wedding planning without biting, then I can make it through anything. 🙂

Okay, I think I”m done for today– Unless something major happens between now and midnight.

Derringer Meryl [Being in Love is the greatest thing] Out

So one of the three votes are in (sorry Specialist, I’d like to see you in that swag top though– :)) and the bohemian and the swag are in the lead. I just need Scott’s other sister’s opinion, and Care Bear’s.

I have to make this quick, the yeast and flour upstairs are calling to me….

My mom just pointed out to me, that Scott will be going home early tonight, because he’s driving his parents up here. Which is also the reason he can’t come to my ward this week. 🙁 *sighs* Well– there’s always next week, right?

Which reminds me again, I have like fifty million things to do– so i better go.

Derringer Meryl [The Fun Never Stops, even when you want it to] Out

WARNING: Before you begin to read, this is going to be major high on the smooshie level (smooshie: romantic “I’m in love and it feels so freakin’ awesome” stuff.) If you can’t handle it, if you have a weak stomach for that kind of stuff– pack your bags because this is one of those entries.

I think i’m starting to go crazy. Or getting progressively worse anyway. Since I’m sure your first reaction was “You’re already crazy, you freak!” I’ll give a hearty nod to that, and go on to the point that this entry is about.

Now, I’ve spent about a month and … *does the math* a half or so? Well, since I first saw a picture of Scott, thinking to myself “He sure does look a lot like Ewan McGregor” (I swear I’m not making this up) and I’ve been looking around at pictures of Ewan today (Which coincidentally who one of my nephews is named after– from what I understand anyway.) and I’ve gathered a few that remind me of Scott. (Kay, the dork-o-meter is going up from here, if you can’t take the heat, get the crap out of my crazy kitchen.)

Ewan talking he looks excited– This is a lot the same expression Scott gets when he’s telling a story about him and his friends as ruffians (if you could call it that.) But I have to admit, Scott is much cuter when he talks than Ewan McGregor is. (ducks tomatos from various single women)

Intense Stare on Ewan’s part. Now– overall the facial expression here isn’t one I’ve seen Scott wear a lot– but the eyes are what strike me the most. Taking into consideration that this is a black and white photo, the eyes stand out remarkably well…. I don’t know what it is exactly that reminds me of Scott, but It does. *smirks* Maybe i’m just insanely in love with Scott and I see him in everything– or maybe I’m just obsessive– I don’t know. Sometimes I wonder if I’m gonna freak him out with how much I talk about him on here.

But I don’t think anyone has ever made me feel this good before. Nothing has felt this right. Sometimes I just get so scared that I’m going to do something stupid– or something that’s just so completely unforgivable or something like that…. so I’m unlovable. (Mind you I’m not being down on me– It’s just odd feeling this happy) I just wish I could freeze some of these moments in time so I could keep them forever. *taps her brain* that’s why I keep a journal… or a blog, whatever. Because I have troubles remembering things. Also why my hands become my own personal sticky notes too…

I’m scared of loosing all this good wonderful feeling. I know things have to change– progression and what not. THe only thing in life that is certain is change…. Not “He’s going to leave me” change, just– regular change. Everything is in constant motion. I wish I could just freeze some moments so i can keep them forever in my head. That’s all.

Derringer Meryl [Oddly Random] Out