Undone

You know those Car Hop girls? The ones that have two trays, and wearing skates.

I feel like one of those. Except I’m no good at balancing on my own two feet, let alone on rollerskates, it’s insane!

So imagine me, trying to balance Me, and not getting all overly stalker-y with this guy I like, and my friend who likes him to, but sincerely promises me that she won’t go after him…

So I feel all of these things, all of these ways, and it’s starting to annoy me. It annoys me that I cant’ voice anything– because If I do, I may offend someone I love.

I don’t know if he wants to even come over to my house and watch Buffy, or if he’s doing it to be polite, or what. I get confused. He doesn’t ask me out on a date, but invites me to hang out– maybe I’m just this super cool friend that knows what girls are thinking.

I have No clue.

And right now, I feel like I’m chasing my tail. No matter if Red is pursuing him nor not– I can never be as good as her. Not at flirting, not at anything. I’m slow, I’m scared, and I’ve lost the ability to put on a brave face for the sake of myself and others.

In fact– I don’t know what to do. One of the girls from my school… she’s getting married in two months. TWO MONTHS! It’s scary, she is going into this world of all these new things, and I feel like I haven’t even made it to the adult table for thanksgiving yet. I feel like a five year old stuck in the sandbox, while everyone else is growing up, and passing me by.

I don’t know what to do, why i’m not growing up too… I’m just here.

And beyond that, i’m angry. I have one of the HIGHEST Seniority at my work, and got SCREWED over on my pay. I trained the people who are getting paid better than me. I trained my old manager, I trained my co-workers, I trained managers for other stores. And I get paid friggin’ less than ALL OF THEM!!!

And the fact that I’m a girl, and they’re all guys, makes it look bad. Very bad, for them, because I’m the HARDEST worker they have. All of my co-workers can tell you, I’m married to my job. I love it, I spend extra time off the clock just thinking about what we could do to make the store better. I stratagize, and BLAH!!

I’m the queen of that store!!

Derringer Meryl [Melodramatic Fool] Out

here must be something wrong, You don’t decide to not go for no reason at all.

And what if I did? What if I decided out of the blue one day to not go to school, just because? Or maybe work? No reason whatsoever, just because. I can do that, despite the ‘rules’ society has set, i can NOT do something if I choose. It’s not a big deal.

Okay, so there’s this barbeque at this one guy’s house this weekend. I was going to go, but then I decided it would probably be more healthy for me if I don’t. I don’t need to be all moony eyed in front of …. *gets angry* someone. Okay, SOMEONE. I’m tired of inflicing pain on myself. I’d much rather have someone else do it to me. That’s what a massochist is, I like the RIGHT kind of pain…

this isn’t it. this is the heart-wrenching-eternal-damnation-type-torment….. yeah, so i’m a little crazy, but that’s why my theme song is unwell by Matchbox20. I’m Unwell. That’s my singles (online) name. uNw3ll. Yeah, I’m sorta out there, but you wanna know what–

I’m out there, because I can’t stand living in here. *shrugs*

so I”m not going. I’m not perky (and I swear to God if you want to know the thing that pisses me off the most is being called perky!!) and I never have been. and despite my massochistic tendencies– I am not allowing cetain people to cause me to inflict more moony-eyed moron pain on myself. *sighs*

I know, I’m a freak. I over think things… Marcus wonders why my head hasn’t exploded yet– I think it would be the fact that I take more anti-depressant medication than any other teenager I know. Maybe that’s what keeps me from randomly killing my co-workers who can’t keep a bathroom clean or throw things away, OR dump their drinks.

That and Red. I’m sad. She’s leavin’ on a jet plane to D.C. tomorrow, and I won’t see her for like…. *thinks* five whole days! Kay, Red and I …. that’s the wrong way to start it. I’m friggin’ attatched to Red like a chicken is attatched to it’s feathers. I’m lonely and grumpy when she isn’t here. *sighs* dont’ tell– she doesn’t know. *laughs* okay, so she does.

She’s my best friend, and then… she’s going away to college.

That’s a scary topic. What am I going to do about college. I want to …. I want to go, part of me wants to learn and grow and be challenged– and another part of me wants to rest, desperately wants to rest. I don’t know why I … I should go. That is a statement. I, Derringer Meryl, should go to college.

but where, and why, and for how long??

Derringer Meryl [Complicated] Out

I don’t mean to scare you
not the intent i had
i didn’t mean to smear mascara
mixing it with tears
and blood

and i know i’m not all there
i don’t think i ever have been
but tell me truely
when i talk to you
do you want to run and hide?
I am so greatful,
for all you gave to me
that if you asked,
i’d do it all
even if it was to leave.

Sometimes i know i think too much, but– what if the people in my life are just putting up with me until — they can bear it– or until i leave, which ever comes first? What if i’m the most annoying person on the planet, and no one has the guts to tell me? I mean, maybe everyone in the world is just being… really really nice, and i haven’t even noticed it yet, like i’m one of those really naive people– *sighs* I hate thinking that way, and i know it makes me PARANOID but– does it make me OVERLY paranoid? Honestly, I ….

well let’s relate the following story. I sang for the first time in … three years last night. I was bad, I know it…. but everyone else was… I don’t know– it’s hard to explain. Like my english teacher, she didn’t tell me I did a good job [Mr. Covili did though] I think it’s just because i’ve tried all year to get her FETCHING approval about something, i’ve tried sucking up, being defiant, and EVERYTHING…. nothing. It’s like– A guy on “Single’s Ward” said: “Some comedians wouldn’t worry about the person that isn’t laughing at their jokes, but I take special care.” or something like that. I’m not worried about the people who are clapping, i’m worried about the people who are laughing, and those who aren’t clapping.

it makes me nervous, and agitated. And I have NO clue as to why.

Maybe it’s because I was the last child and i’m annoyed when i dont’ get my way? I think it’s something more than that, just that i would probably make a HUGE fool of myself for attention. Heck– I did it last night. *shrugs*

and it’s weird, because as soon as I get the attention, I don’t want it. It’s odd.

Derringer Meryl [writing fool] Out

So I have my AP tests tomorrow. I’m sure everyone who cares, is in …. antartica, but whatever.

I’m a little stressed, very VERY VERY unsure of myself. I’m scared. I can’t find ANY Tai Chi info on the net. *sighs* I need some help– and right now, I’d embrace my tiger, but I’m pretty sure it’s hiding from the AP tests too.

Last year I was nervous, admittedly, but my teacher believed in me. She said “You can do it!” and I believed her… and I did do it! I was so happy–

This year, I don’t feel that way, my teacher hardly ever tells us that she KNOWS we can do it. Her statements are… well shady and I’m not very sure of what i’m doing, or how i”m going to do it.

But I have to try. The $156 I paid to take it screams at me that i have to try. And I’m scared. Really Really scared.

And Now, I’m going to go watch Animal Farm, and Hope I learn something new. *sighs deeply* I can do it.

Right?

Derringer Meryl [Looking for Her Tiger] Out

Back to school.

The three words that drive fear into the heart of any senior. That includes me. I hate it there, and it hates me there, so I think we’d all just be MUCH happier if I didn’t have to go. Blah. It’s not like the councilors listen or do much anyway. In fact, I”m not really sure what they’re doing anyway. I mean I tell them that the kids at school make me feel a little…. what’s the word….

PSYCHOTIC

but it’s like Columbine never happened. They don’t listen to me, and I could tell them till I’m blue in the face. God. I tell my therapist too, and it’s like something I”m supposed to deal with. Yes, I should just deal with ON MY OWN a debilitating anger management problem. Because so far, I’m doing SO well. It’s like– They don’t even hear the words I”m saying. Like the things I’m saying aren’t clear. I guess that makes sense, because i don’t understand completely either. It seems fairly simple.

I get angry around people.

I am forced to be around LOTS of people

I get REALLY angry.

Now what? You’re just going to leave me there to destroy the unsuspecting masses? God I love the school districts here. It’s like they’re praying for someone to come a long and kill all of the little sponge cakes off. They ask for it, pray for it, something to ease the economic PAIN they THINK they’re in.

Deluded Bastards. Don’t know anything.

I guess everyone will be a little more than surprised when my basket breaks. I told them and told them I was a screw loose. Fair warning. So much for them listening.

Derringer Meryl [Lucky I don’t own a gun] Out