Undone

Oh Ivillage.com, where you you two days ago??

You could have saved me then. But No Such luck. You rotten un-accessible people. I hate you all.

*waits a moment tenatively as ivillage starts to give craptastic advice*

I’m sorry baby, i didn’t mean it. Honest. Why dont’ you come and snuggle up with me…. *snuggles ivillage* You know I love you baby.

Derringer Meryl [In serious need of psycho therapy] Out

No one has been SO intensly angered as I was (still am) tonight.

Fear my rage– and the lack of your present. I left it at work, where you said you’d pick it up. *growls*

Follow through.

Derringer Meryl [Movie, eh?] Out

Someone should stand by my front door and screen what i wear before I leave the house. I’ve thought that before, since i often wander out of the house in my PJ’s and without my hair done up nicely, and i look a right horrid sight to be seen. But then– THis happens.

I had to hurry off to work for a moment to give Artemis some money to buy my LoTR ticket for me. She and I fall into the Geek check area of watching the movie at midnight when it opens. I count myself lucky to go– but more on that later…. It’s pretty cold outside, so I pull the only sweatshirt that’s clean out of my closet, and pull it on. I arrive at work, after a short five minute drive, and hand my money over to Artemis, and she comments on my sweatshirt. It’s a curious George one, I bought it two years ago, and it reads on the front “(heart) the monkey” One of the part-timers read it aloud, and then I final understood something… That wearing that shirt, was a bad idea. (I bet you thought that it was that I love Monkey, huh? You’re so wrong! of course that WOULD be the obvious teenage answer, but then again, i’m not the obvious teen!) I stuttered for a moment, and commented how i didn’t think of that before I wore the shirt to work.

It’s a mistake I won’t be repeating…. Today is Guts’ birthday. (Guts is a co-worker and friend– he has cute little nicknames for me, and he loves to make me laugh, almost as much as i love to laugh at his jokes.) I don’t know how old he is, but all in all, Happy Birthday to him. I should have made him a card. Shame on me. *frowns* I was supposed to go to Halo Night, and while I would have loved to– It seems like a bad idea. I’m not close with anyone in the group, and honestly– no one seems to care if i’m there or not. *nods* not to mention the right long lecture I’d get for going.

Which makes me wonder, why don’t we do bad things? is it because of the punishment, or is it because it’s wrong?

Faith in Buffy: I could ride you at a gallop until your legs buckled and your eyes rolled up. I’ve got muscles you’ve never even dreamed of. I could squeeze you until you popped like warm champagne, and you’d beg me to hurt you just a little bit more. And you know why I don’t? Because it’s wrong.

Sure, Faith puts it a little… *coughs* crudely, but honestly why don’t we go out and give in to our baser demands….? Why don’t we sleep with everyone and anyone– kill who we can, when we can– hurt everyone…. To paralell Faith:

I could cut you. I could make thin gashes on your skin, all over your body, and you’d sweat because of the pain, and the sweat, would roll into those thin shallow cuts, and cause your entire body to feel as though you’re on fire that cannot be extinguished. Then, after your cuts closed, i’d make ten cuts diagonally along the closed wounds, reopening the original wound, and adding smaller but deeper wounds. I could stick needles underneath your toe nails, and make thick shallow cuts underneath your eyes and your cheekbones, maximizing the pain from the tears you’re crying by this point. I would make you regret every wrong thing you’ve ever done, not to mention the things you did to me. I could make you so sorry– and after i was done, i would make you live with it…. carefully avoiding the arteries.and you know why I don’t? Because It’s wrong.

*blinks* If you’re more than frightened, good. I’m not sure where i channeled that from, but i want you to know I’m scared too. *blinks again* my mind just knows pain, i guess. From months and months of hating someone (J, my first Boyfriend) I’ve thought of millions and billions of ways to make him hurt. Nothing extreme (severing body parts) as that would be too simple. Something permanent, that would teach him that I wasn’t to be stepped on. I dreamed of things like this. I guess that makes me — disgusting… I suppose. That’s why i stopped hating him. IT was killing me, more than it was hurting him. He had long before stopped caring how i felt. Heck, I don’t think he cared during the relationship, which he denies we had one. Makes me look psychotic.

Then again, so does this whole entry.

The point is, every person has dark, AND light. Some people choose to embrace the dark, and some choose to embrace the Light. And some choose to pull from both sides. Every person should be feared, and loved. It’s just.. the nature of things. But– can there be fear in Love?? Not really- but the fear is the natural thing, and the love is the unnatural.

While I have evil thoughts brewing in my brain sometimes, i do tend to lean to the unnatural state of mind.

Derringer Meryl [Reaching for Yin and Yang] Out

Why I’m NOT The nicest person ever

(That is to say, a quickie top ten…)

10- I’m moody– and If you come within my bubble of space, i’ll kill you.

9- Because only a small fraction of this world has people who i’d potentially become friendly with, and you’re not one of the chosen.

8- Cause if enough money came along, i’d sell my family to the Circus.

7- Because I’d cut your tongue out for a Klondike Bar. Honest.

6- Because every moment of my life i’m playing “Anywhere but here.”

5- I throw violent tantrums like a three year old. Yes. I Do bite. Often and Hard.

4- I like Bunnies, just because i pray one will bite all of the annoying people’s heads off.

3- I flip people off British housewife style….. all the time

2- I wear black to weddings.

And the number one reason why i’m not the nicest person ever IS…..

1- No matter what i do for you, or when, I expect a DAMN good payment back. And I demand interest, or i’ll pull your hair out. *leers*

— So honestly, i’m not a person to be feared. I’m not the nicest person either. I pitch fits, I have the mouth of a sailor (I’m trying to be better about that…honest) and i have mood swings like a pregnant woman…. So yeah. I’m not Hitler by any means, but i’m no suzy sunshine either…. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [Just a gunslingin’ girl] Out

*imagines herself at a pulpit with all of the men in her life, who ever did her wrong. You might recognize some of the usual suspects*

I’m better now. Better than i ever was before i ran into you. I’m stronger, I’m happier, and i couldn’t imagine my life any other way.

*turns to all of her former romantic interests* and you. I don’t need any of you. I’m perfectly happy without your love, or desire, or even lust. I’m great. In fact, i’m better than great. I’m fan-friggin’-tastic. I’ve found someone new, someone who loves me the way I am, who sees the person i am, sees that i’m broken, and loves me anyway. He doesn’t care about any of this shit you broke up with me for, hell, not even broke up with, rejected me for. And I see now with a clarity that is granted from God that every time any of you pushed me away, or turned away, or even laughed in my face, that it was your own freaking insecurities that you were projecting onto me. I hope you live a sad and lonely life–

you deserve it.

*turns to her most recent fling* and you. I can’t believe i spent so much time, poured so much emotion into a bottomless pit like you. I admit, you are everything that i wanted, but i somehow, in all my wet dreams, in all my endless wishing for something better, forgot to mention that i wanted to be equally desired back. I don’t know how i could forget that. I gave you my heart, and you gave me your hand. No… I guess you didn’t even give me that, you offered it and took it away, like i was some kind of five year old who would be amused by this trick. Like I’d wonder– what happened? Where did it go? and then when you extended it again, be simply happy with the fact you put it out for me to have again.

*returns to addressing the whole crowd* I realize that everything that happened between us, wasn’t completely your fault. I fantasized, and put you in that fantasy, and it wasn’t fair to you. That doesn’t excuse your reaction– no, your rejection. *whispers mainly for herself* I can’t count the times i wished someone would be waiting at my house for me with flowers. waiting. just waiting for me. but i guess i’m never good enough to wait for. *looks to her fling, still whispering* the times i replayed that night in my head, wishing i’d kissed you before you’d rejected me. and how now i wish you’d be waiting at my house, not even with flowers, i just want what little we had back. i just want the companionship.

*crumbles to the floor in tears* I want to take back all of the times i teased you, all of the bad things you didn’t like, i’d do it all over again, if i could just keep you this time.

Derringer Meryl [healing process] Out