Undone

I should be doing homework, but I want to run over what happened yesterday, and today, and just get it out onto the net and out of my head hopefully.

Yesterday (Sunday) I woke up fairly early, read Scott’s Journal, and waited until about nine-thirty to wake him up. I’m not a morning person. In fact I never woke up in anything that wasn’t double digits (ie after ten) until I met Scott. I guess being awake is so much more thrilling with him around. 🙂 I got to talk to him for a minute or two… and had to go get ready for church and what not. I made some rolls and figured out why last weeks rolls died instead of fluffing. (I didn’t put enough sugar in. Poo.) Scott and I went to my ward together (hurrah!) where nearly no one asked who he was. Not even in Elders Quorum. Sorta makes me angry at the laziness of my ward. Sheesh. Bah. What did I expect from the Elders Quorum anyway? Moving on. We went back to my house, ate and ran since Scott had a meeting with his bishop. We drove down to his Singles Ward meeting house and talked with his Bishop. He’s pretty cool. Very friendly. I can totally understand why he was called as a Singles Ward Bishop. 😉 It’s important to have someone who gets to the roots of things instead of vaguely suggesting it. After that we went to his parents house for a minute and then to his friends house. *tries to think up some cool names, but falls short* Well, they’re awesome people. And I got to talk to possibly the funnest people I know. Scott’s sisters and *thinks again* Sheesh this is hard, I think I’ll call her Giggles. She’s just a fun and energenic person, and she loves to Laugh. I hope she doesn’t mind…. Well, i just had so much fun talking to them. Scott’s sisters had to leave at Six, and Scott was awake-ly napping in the basement… I expressed to Giggles a lot of my fears of getting married. All the fun extra stuff that comes a long with it. *makes a face* It felt nice to have someone besides my mom to talk to about it. Some things I just find really creepy to talk to mom about. I love her, and she’s a wonderful mom– but… No. *shudders*

After a while Scott decided we had better go, and he was getting pretty hungry and what not. I don’t know why but I never seem to hungry when I’m around Scott. I think it’s because i just gorge the rest of the time and when I’m with him i think to myself “You’re getting married. Remember that dress you have to fit into. Yeah. And you dont’ want to look totally heinous for your wedding do you? If you eat like you do normally, you will.” Great internal dialogue, i’m sure. I know Scott won’t care, as long as I’m healthy, but if i eat too much I don’t feel healthy. *shrugs* It’s odd. I had some brownies though (Shouldn’t have. Dang it.) and I got to meet one of Scott’s co-workers… or he was his co-worker… *thinks* I’m not sure. They both go to the Singles ward though. *nods* that i know. We also watched Rat Race, which i had never seen before. I got a few addresses for one of my bridal showers (I don’t know how many I’ll have… *shrugs*) and… *thinks* Then Scott took me home. I’ll cut all the gooshy details, but I didn’t want him to go home. :-S Once again, I can’t wait until our home is together. That’ll be nice.

I woke up this morning, did the blog/Journal rounds… I”m pretty sure I pissed off some of my sibs, but I was kinda cheezed. I understand that they all have … responsibilities and what not– and that they need to take care of that… *sighs* It just seemed really– odd. Scott said to me “I thought this was supposed to be some kind of party or something.” and I sorta felt mad at my sibs. Yeah my nephew was feeling sick, and they needed to stop for food and what not. I can understand that. I’m not really mad at them, I’m mad at the way things turned out. Which is no ones fault. I guess they have too many things tugging at their schedules to set some time apart for just sib time. It was poorly planned on my part. I know how it is. It’s been this way since forever. Everyone has some such thing that’s much too important than family. I don’t want to make anyone mad with this. I don’t. I’m just saying I feel that way. THat’s just the way our family is. Family comes after a few other things. That’s how we were raised. I shouldn’t expect more than that.

I went to school. I was silly and stupid– and very much school like. I stood in the sun for like ten minutes, and got sick. (hurrah.)I came home and slept it off until work. (hurrah again.) where I was rude to my co-workers. Rude and in a bad mood. I finally figured out that when I go there now days I just automatically switch into defense mode. Like i need to protect my soft and squishie innards. I feel that way a lot lately. I feel so good and right, and i’m afraid that someone’s gonna try and take that away from me. So I lash out a lot. I’m trying to be better. I’ve just had a lot of people pulling at me. And I feel like some sort of animal in a cage and everyone is poking at me, and when I lash out, everyone wonders why. Good grief, you’re poking me. Why wouldn’t i?

I’m all sorts of exhausted. being in a sympathetic reaction nearly 24/7 does that to a person. I just want to run away from the planning and the questions for a little while. From all the people. I’m not good with crowds. I’m not good with people. I’ll probably spaz out at my wedding reception and start screaming like a loon and make Scott wonder what he’s gotten himself into.

It seems right now, I dont’ mean most of what I say. I’ve said some mean things in the past… week and a half? and I’m sorry to everyone. I’m sorry if I’ve said something. I’m sorry if I’ve done something. I’m fairly sure I didn’t mean it in the way it was taken (if it was bad.) I’m just so… exhausted. THe only time I’m relaxed, is when I’m with Scott. I get all sorts of tense when he has to go again. I feel safe with him. I”m not sure what i’m so scared of, with him being gone… I just am.

Derringer Meryl [gone nutty] Out

Today, I’m lazy. Sorry ladies and gents. I’ll probably type up my report for yesterday later.

I’ll leave it at it was a good day, I had a good day. I had fun. I had kisses. it was FANTASTIC!

Right. So, I had to write a piece for class today– and so I posted it on my other diary (I have another?? *shifty eyes*) that’s for my poetry and prose. I thought maybe you all would be interested in reading it.

Here ya go ( Note, this link doesn’t work. Sorry!)

Enjoy. I have wedding stuff to go do. Watch as my hair falls out from stress.

Derringer Meryl [Busy Bee] Ou

Apparently Scott was so tired last night (I would not doubt it. The tiredness sorta hit us all at once) he didn’t get to post about our fun night. 🙂

First we decided (or I decided, and I told Scott it would be a good idea) to ditch out on Spycraft. I was really tired, and I didn’t want to spend time with my siblings and the great chance there was of them embarrassing me. Not to mention they started at Seven, and Scott didn’t get here until nearly ten. So — whatever. I’m sure they digressed into watching SpongeBob by then.

Anyway, we went to go see Starsky and Hutch instead. Can I say Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson ROCK!? They’re a great comedy duo. Absolutely hilarious. Of course there was the obligatory oggle women and what not. C’mon, it’s a show based in the Seventies. It’s unnecessary, sure, but it makes the film more real to the seventies. *shrugs* At least I know Scott found them as stupid as I did. Also, Will Ferral was freaking awesome. H’es so hillarious. We had Ice Cream to eat during the film, which I probably shouldn’t have had. Being lactose intolerant and all. But it looked really good, and I don’t always feel too bad after eating some… and … well… *shrugs* anyway.

After the movie, Scott took me downtown (a good distance from the movie theater we were at.) and up on a hill to over see the city and look at the lights. It wasn’t too cold outside, but I began to shiver. (stupid body) I was really excited because I thought maybe it was the surprise proposal, but then I remembered that the ring was still being sized and that there were a few other complications too. So I tossed that out of my brain rather fast. Still, it was a very nice view, I wish we could have stayed longer, but once again, the shivers took over and Scott said he didn’t want me getting sick. (Which is sweet. I don’t get sick from the cold, just stupid things I should know better than to do) It was getting pretty late at this point, so we got in the car and he took me home.

So that’s the recap. I could go into mushy stuffs and what not, but I just remembered that i have work today, and my mom wants me to go and shop for something with her– and…

Oh what the heck.

it feels so right being around Scott. I feel right, the world feels right… Sometimes I feel a little silly because he says all these sweet things to me, and I just get so dumbfounded, I dont’ know what to say back. I have so many things buzzing around in my brain, to say, to suggest, to compliment, and– it just stays there, because I can’t do anything to get it out. It’s so frustrating sometimes. That’s why I’m grateful that I ahve this to write in. Sometimes I can say the things here to Scott that I can’t verbalize properly. For being on the debate team, I sure have a lack of vocabulary and quick tongue. I’m not very clever, but … I know Scott loves me. And he knows that I love him, even though i say it in my little voice.

Derringer Meryl [Going to Fly A Kite, I guess] Out

A couple of fiascos today.

Last night my mom and I finally went out and got the material for the blouses for the bridesmaids. It’s just plain red, so no worries on that front, sorta. I’m not gonna scan it in, but we’re certainly hemming and hawing on whether it matches or not. *sighs* Sometimes it does. It looks really great together, and other times I can hear the people coming to my wedding reception whispering “What the hell was she thinking?” While this is a regular occurrence at most weddings considering the grossness of most bridesmaid dresses– And what not, I’m just really hoping it works out. I don’t want them to say “I hate you so much for making me wear this Meryl.” I didn’t hate my bridesmaid dresses. I didn’t. Now i’m looking at what i’ve put out almost two paychecks for, and wondering what in Heaven’s name is going on in my brain.

All I know is that this wedding feels far enough away to drive me insane, but close enough to taunt me. I know what Scott means about wishing that going home meant to him, and not from him. Though I admit, I do make Scott spend a lot of time up here with me. That’s one thing i’ve disliked about my sibs and their significant others. Usually they take them away and bring them back once in forever. (no Offense to any of them, it’s just nice to hang out with them once in a while) So I’m starting to feel a little guilty in how much Scott time I’m honestly monopolizing. I love being with Scott, I’m just wondering how much of an annoyance i’ve become to his family.

Also I’ve gained a new appreciation for my sister-in-laws. It’s really hard gaining a new family. Especially for me, I tend to be very shy, and very “Hide behind Scott” ish. I’m a quiet person by nature– it’s very rare to get me into talk mode, and then once i’m there, i usually stay there for a good while. It’s a note of how comfortable I feel with Scott’s friends as I can talk with them freely without Scott around. I was even shocked at how easily I seemed to fit in and feel comfortable. I really REALLY want to spend time with Scott’s sisters, I just have this horrible life where everyone screams at me to pay attention to them. I’m thinking I’m going to clear April third off, ask them to clear April Third, and then me, Care Bear and Scott’s sisters can all go hang out and do something. I don’t know what, but I have all these new people in my life, and I seriously need to make an effort to get to know them.

as a disclaimer though, I’m not trying to replace anyone. Being the little sister in family of several married sibs, I know how much I want(ed) my sister in laws to think I was cool, and want to go do things with me, and have things in common. I’m just trying to do that. Trying to include as many people as possible, and trying to offend as few of them as possible. I have that talent though. Pissing people off. *nods* I wish I hadn’t practiced so much as a child.

It’s odd, I was never a very social person, but I always wished I was. Now it seems like everyone wants me to pay attention to them, and I don’t know how. I don’t know how to function in a lot of social instances, or maybe i used to, and i’m just really feigning ignorance. I’m not sure. If I am, I’m even convincing myself. I’m just really– not sure. I know it’ll take a lot of work, but I know i’d like to fix a few things too. I feel scattered, and lost… and just frazzled. I don’t know how to get married. I don’t know how to plan, and honestly if it was possible to do in the LDS faith, I’d so elope. Not that i don’t love all of this stuff (is eating her foot again) I’m just…. all over the place. trying to keep in touch with people and trying to put this wedding together nicely enough that people don’t shudder in fear when they enter into the reception area.

And I sorta just feel like sleeping (which I’ll probably be doing in a few minutes.)

Derringer Meryl [Scott Withdrawl] Out

I love freaking out my siblings. 🙂 It’s such great payback for the various things they’ve done over the years. Now– I’m sorry that people like Sukie get caught in the crossfire– but *shrugs* all is fair in love and war, right?

I’m not going to censor myself to the point where I can’t write in here anymore. That’s silly. I’m not forcing anyone to read this. I write Bold warnings and what not for a reason. I know not everyone in the world wants to delve into my personal life, especially not my siblings.

Squeeeeeeeee!

Okay, I think i’m done now. I’m going to go get Scott’s sisters and go to hang out at the local fabric stores– and what not. *nods* So yeah, and stuff.

Derringer Meryl [Got any of dem taquitos] Out