Undone

You know those Car Hop girls? The ones that have two trays, and wearing skates.

I feel like one of those. Except I’m no good at balancing on my own two feet, let alone on rollerskates, it’s insane!

So imagine me, trying to balance Me, and not getting all overly stalker-y with this guy I like, and my friend who likes him to, but sincerely promises me that she won’t go after him…

So I feel all of these things, all of these ways, and it’s starting to annoy me. It annoys me that I cant’ voice anything– because If I do, I may offend someone I love.

I don’t know if he wants to even come over to my house and watch Buffy, or if he’s doing it to be polite, or what. I get confused. He doesn’t ask me out on a date, but invites me to hang out– maybe I’m just this super cool friend that knows what girls are thinking.

I have No clue.

And right now, I feel like I’m chasing my tail. No matter if Red is pursuing him nor not– I can never be as good as her. Not at flirting, not at anything. I’m slow, I’m scared, and I’ve lost the ability to put on a brave face for the sake of myself and others.

In fact– I don’t know what to do. One of the girls from my school… she’s getting married in two months. TWO MONTHS! It’s scary, she is going into this world of all these new things, and I feel like I haven’t even made it to the adult table for thanksgiving yet. I feel like a five year old stuck in the sandbox, while everyone else is growing up, and passing me by.

I don’t know what to do, why i’m not growing up too… I’m just here.

And beyond that, i’m angry. I have one of the HIGHEST Seniority at my work, and got SCREWED over on my pay. I trained the people who are getting paid better than me. I trained my old manager, I trained my co-workers, I trained managers for other stores. And I get paid friggin’ less than ALL OF THEM!!!

And the fact that I’m a girl, and they’re all guys, makes it look bad. Very bad, for them, because I’m the HARDEST worker they have. All of my co-workers can tell you, I’m married to my job. I love it, I spend extra time off the clock just thinking about what we could do to make the store better. I stratagize, and BLAH!!

I’m the queen of that store!!

Derringer Meryl [Melodramatic Fool] Out

So it’s uber late, and I’m up, writing in this… because I haven’t gotten around to writing in my physical journal… but this entry would (and does) vary very much from the real journal.

Because anyone can read this one. The other one, I’d say is under lock and key… but it isn’t… so … that would be really lame. Blah.

The psychological theory or proximity in choosing a mate is interesting. Also, it’s interesting to test it’s application in real life. I mean, take this for example. I used to have crush on my former Assistant Manager. I don’t any more, because I never see him. Don’t get me wrong, he’s still a friggin’ hot toddie, but the elastic in my underwear has ceased to melt. Maybe it’s because we don’t talk all the time, or maybe I’ve finally hyped myself out of it… I dont’ know. But it’s done. It’s run it’s course, and it’s done.

then I liked this guy from another store. Barely knew him, never saw him… blah, all of it. Now that, was pure, unadulterated LUST!! How can I tell? Well the fact that I couldn’t breathe around him, and the fact that I don’t remember hardly anything that he ever said to me, but I could tell you, he has one hell of a six pack and the most gorgeous smile you’ll ever see on a man…. *drools* that’s lust. I want him for his body. then that was done. Mostly with the whole multiple rejection thing and because he doesn’t seem too interested (cause I’m so damn fine…. HA!)

Then there’s this new guy. It wasn’t like a *WHOOSH* crush. It was like a gradual thing. In fact in the beginning i hated him. He was a major pain to me. Competition or something. Vying for our bosses attention. Sure, I thought he was handsome, but it wasn’t the major thing I noticed. he wasn’t a major pig was actually the first thing I noticed. he was polite, but not like prom polite, ya know? where you just open the door because it’s prom and you figure, “Well it’s just for tonight….” and then you do it…. Naw, he was like genuine.

My friend Red keeps telling me that I”m so brave, and that I always have the courage to ask guys out…. and I’m so brave and what not. The truth is, It took me a year to tell my assistant manager that I liked him. And I did that over this journal. (See the Pancakes and Gardina’s thing… crazy crap) and the other guy, well I was off in “I’m so happy i found an inexpensive prom dress and i could be going with the most handsome guy i have ever seen and could be a model” land that there was no time to be nervous. (Oh, yeah and he shot me down — like an american fighter pilot.) Eh, What can you do? So when It comes to this guy, he seems so nice, and ya know, i don’t have the perfect “He so wonderful” image in my mind (which is actually good, because that just ends up hurtin’ ya more.) he’s got flaws, but they balance with mine.

I guess the other guys were shots into the mystical wonderland of “NOT EVEN POSSIBLE” -ville that it didnt’ hurt because i was expecting it. I don’t know what to expect here, Really. I’m not sure what is going on in his mind…. but DAMN, would I love to crawl through it sometime.

and the fact he could be reading this, at any time, is really scary to me. Cause it’s like — ripping your heart out, splattering it on the net, and then waiting…..

I think the waiting is the worst

for the rejection that I KNOW will come. I can’t say I’m welcoming it with open arms, but it’s like…. an expected thing now.

A sturdy “Sorry but NO, Meryl.” and off to Ben and Jerry’s Land. (as well as 20 pounds heavier.

Whatever. Apathy is the key to living a successful life.

Derringer Meryl [Scared Pantsless] Out

Drama Queen.

that’s what i am. i know it, you know it, and no matter where you happen to be in this great big world…. if you’ve been around me, you know i’m that way. It’s just me.

*sighs* I gave my co-worker a welt tonight. *winces* i feel bad, so I kissed it better. He and I got to talking about Camping, and how camping doesn’t like me. And i have to say that honestly Camping likes me just as much as i like Bill Gates. … *Grins wildly* Eh.

And about the job. The girl seems nice enough. I can’t say I can totally judge, i’ve only known her a few hours… but I know I could have done a great job, especially since I was thinking about how many people I’ve helped train. Travis, Morgan, Angie, Joel, a whole bunch. Honestly– I’ve helped train nearly everyone of my superiors, ever. It’s a little frustrating. I’ve been thinking, I could work and get the benefits of Gamestop, while the money of SLCC or even somewhere else. 🙂 Depending on where I get a job, I don’t really care…. I just need to supplement my income!!

Anyway, I’ll think, I’ll read email, and I’m going to gush like the teenage girl I am. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [Gushie] Out

So I tried to enter my diary like five times last night, and NADA. Blah. So I can’t even afford $2.50 a month, sue me. I can’t complain too much cause it’s free–

and it keeps my brain attached to the rest of my body.

Moving on to what really enrages me today.

So my boss (or MR. Fuckeduppowerfreak as I like to call him) moved the Assistant manager to another store, because they had a disagreement. Not to mention he’s moving one of his cronies in. I’m sorry, it looks a little incriminating when you move your little pal in and the assistant manager that everyone likes OUT.

Let me explain to YOU what no one else seems to understand. (and sorry to Marcus, cause i’m using his name instead of some little pseudonym because I’m too tired and damn lazy to figure one out.) Marcus is the listening guy, the guy who says “Yeah I understand that, it’s really not very fair.” Not to mention he’s the one I tell everything to. He doesn’t act like he’s all superior to me, and he thinks I’m a wonderful asset. To my boss, I’m nothing but a glamor cleaning lady. And if by some miracle of God he doesn’t think that, he sure as hell doesn’t show it. In fact we’re really never sure what he’s thinking.

Back to Marcus.

He’s sweet, and he knows what bugs the shit out of me, and doesn’t do it, just because he’s nice like that. He thinks I’m funny and laughs at my really lame jokes. We’ve known each other for nearly two years, we were trained by the same manager, and we know what each other are talking about nearly all the time. He’s my best friend, my confidant, and my boss took that away.

God, do they even think about anything before they do it?

Derringer Meryl [Unsure of Dreams] Out

Balance. I demand BALANCE!!

I was at work tonight. Talking to a co-worker friend of mine. Mostly about my relationships, and how apparently the entire state is on crack. I asked the guy I was raving on about in here out on a date. He said no (Of course, what else do you expect from me?) and once again added to the trama that is me. 🙁 Blah.

The whole balance thing. Well my friend was taunting me– about my whole deal with the guy who turned me down, and how i wouldn’t mind even being a controller in his hand, because I’d be near him. My friend of course had to take that all wrong. And THen I started listening to music from this total cutie from another state– he’s romantic and sweet and

Everything I want

Everything I need

Everything Inside of me

That I wish I could be–

but– the thing is, I don’t know. I don’t even know how to say it. I think there needs to be an equal balance of passion and romance. It doesn’t matter how much romance there is, if there isn’t any passion it makes it sap. If all you have is passion and no romance, you might as well be screwing a giggalo. So do you understand? The need for balance.

I’m not against telling someone they are beautiful, or opening doors, or sending flowers– But the passion– the feeling that you can’t breath when you’re around them. That their touch makes you want to die inside– That’s what I need. Both. I guess I’m too demanding.

It’s hard to do that. Find a balance. I’m not sure which I need more. At this point– The passion. The Lack of passion in my life is despicable… as well as completely disgusting. *sighs*

My friend asked me if (very embarrassed he was) I was in need of a good shag. I pled the fifth- I still do. Not because necessarily I do, but I know for a matter of fact I need a little passion. *Pouts*

Derringer Meryl [Music Gets the Best Of Me] Out