Undone

I wrote a lot in my other Journal (My personal one, the one I carry with me all day.)

I heard this song (I think it came out in 1999) for the first time today. I heard it, and it reminded me of me. Except I’m the person they’re talking about…. and obviously the gender thing is a little screwed up, but just switch Her with him and you get the idea.

Dream – This is Me

This is me (this is me…) this is me

Ah… yeah… (this is me) c’mon…

She stole your heart

Only did it because she could

Chewed you up and swapped you around

That girl never was no good

Baby I will never do that

I’ll love you faithfully

But your suspicious mind thinks

I’m gonna repeat her story

She’s making you crazy

Making you a wreck

Making you follow me

Making me a suspect

You seem to think I’m playing her game

Don’t you know her name

That was her, this is me

We’re as different as can be

She and I we’re nothing alike

You confusing day with night

That was then, this is now

You wanna trust me,

But you don’t know how

I’m never gonna mess around,

Set you down, can’t you see

That was her (that was her)

And baby this is me (this is me)

(This is me…)

Stop making me feel bad

I’m the best thing you ever had

The only thing I’m guilty of

Is giving you too much love

(She’s making you crazy)

She’s making you crazy

Making you a wreck

Making you follow me

Making me a suspect

You seem to think I’m playing her game

Don’t you know, don’t you know her name

That was her, this is me (yeah)

We’re as different as can be (you gotta know)

She and I are nothing alike (yeah c’mon)

You confusing day with night (day and night)

That was then, this is now (now)

You wanna trust me,

But you don’t know how

I’m never gonna mess around,

Set you down, can’t you see (see)

That was her (that was her)

And baby this is me (this is me)

(This is me…)

Don’t suffocate me, don’t misunderstand me

Don’t make me pay, for all her mistakes

Believe or not, it’s in my kiss

(Don’t see things that don’t exist)

That was her (yeah) this is me (whoa)

We’re as different as can be (yeah c’mon)

She and I are nothing alike (no, no, no, no)

You confusing day with night (oh…)

That was then, this is now (this is now)

You wanna trust me,

But you don’t know how (you don’t know)

I’m never gonna mess around,

Set you down, can’t you see (can’t you see)

That was her (this is me)

That was her, this is me (oh…)

We’re as different as can be (uh… yeah)

She and I are nothing alike (oh, oh)

You confusing day with night (day and night)

That was then, this is now (you’re mine now)

You wanna trust me,

But you don’t know how

(You don’t know how)

I’m never gonna mess around

(Mess around…)

Set you down, can’t you see (c’mon)

That was her (that was her)

And baby this is me (get a grip)

Am I crazy, or just paranoid.

I think the latter

I was reading something, and I just thought, maybe games are teaching kids to be more violent, but mothers are saying, they were never violent as children. I have to wonder if the games are teaching them, but they were naturally skiddish. I have to wonder– is it better to have an aggressive child or a submissive one. As a submissive person myself I have to say, life as a submissive person, is not one anyone should have to live. It’s a vicious cycle. BLAH

But….. couldn’t video games also teach children to become assertive (the middle between submissive and aggressive) I don’t mean to say that people should make video games where the hero tries to talk reasonably with the villain first. I mean that with an appropriate dosage of real life interaction, as well as the training of aggression and aggressive behavior…. maybe the next generation of kids, can be a little more balanced.

Derringer Meryl [Nothing Alike] Out

Shopping SPREE!

Well today was pay day, and while I didn’t get MUCH, I got what I wanted. (Besides I have to save for Winter Ball!)

Buffy Musical Soundtrack – $2.99

Wool Skirt From EXPRESS – $33.65

Grumpy Slippers – $10.66

Cloth to make my Prom Dress Acceptable – $11.66

Halelujah! I might buy more later, but I’m happy now. I would have been happy with out the stuff, but I’m good all the same. I think I’m going to drag myself into the Comic Shop (the only one around here)

Blah, I’m going to post lyrics for the rest. . . I love Boxcar Racer: There Is

this vacation’s useless

these white pills aren’t kind

i’ve given a lot of thought on this 13-hour drive

i missed the grinding concrete where we sat past 8 or 9

and slowly finished laughing in the glow of our headlights

i’ve given a lot of thought to the nights we use to have

the days have come and gone

our lives when by so fast

i faintly remember breathing on your bedroom floor

where i laid and told you but you sweared you loved me more

do you care if i don’t know what to say

will you sleep tonight, or will you think of me

will i shake this off, pretend its all okay

that there’s someone out there who feels just like me

there is

those notes you wrote me

i’ve kept them all

i’ll give a lot of thought of how to write you back this fall

with every single letter in every single word

there will be a hidden message about a boy that loves a girl

do you care if i don’t know what to say

will you sleep tonight, or will you think of me

will i shake this off, pretend its all okay

that there’s someone out there who feels just like me

there is

do you care if i don’t know what to say

will you sleep tonight, or will you think of me

will i shake this off, pretend its all okay

that there’s someone out there who feels just like me

do you care if i don’t know what to say

will you sleep tonight, or will you think of me

will i shake this off, pretend its all okay

that there’s someone out there who feels just like me

there is

I don’t know– Is there?

Derringer Meryl [Give me something to sing about] Out

And I’m so sad

like a good book

I can’t put this

Day Back

a sorta fairytale

with you

a sorta fairytale

with you

I could pick back up

whenever I feel

Well life isn’t a sorta fairy tale around here. That’s the way life is though. I wrote this huge rant about people and their lives and how it makes life horrid and what not. *smiles*

Actually, lucky me, I had the realization of what makes life horrid for every one, everywhere.

CHOICES

Regretting them, unable to make them, having them made for us, making the wrong ones….. that’s what causes misery. There isn’t one person in this world that can say their problems result from some choice someone had made along the way.

Try me. I can show you anything. The drunk stays drunk because he chooses to. The poor man stays poor because he chooses to let his monetary value decide where he belongs in society.

Sure, You could say “It wasn’t my choice, it was soinso’s choice, and I’ve been effected” Notice I said that their problems resulted from bad choices, not necessarily their own. It’s possible that some child has been subjected to abuse everyday of their lives and in turn become violent and end up killing tons of people.

Still, in the end, they pulled the trigger that took than man’s life. Their choice, their responsibility. It wasn’t your choice to be abused everyday, but it’s your choice to react.

Anyway, I’ve been examining life carefully everyday since I’m going to turn eighteen. I’m noticing that life isn’t cherries (even though I’ve known since like… forever) and it’ isn’t peaches, or any thing else that is sweet and pretty.

It’s bile if anything. Useful, needed, but a nasty thing to have to swallow.

Derringer Meryl [Full of Christmas Cheer] Out

he’d do anything to sparkle in his eye

she would suffer, she would fight, and compromise

she’s been wishin’ on the stars that shine so bright

for answers to the questions that will haunt her tonight

she must rinse this all away

she can’t hold him this way

she must rinse this all away

she can’t love him this way

how she’d be soothed, how she’d be saved if he could see

she needs to be held in his arms to be free

but everything happens for reasons that she will never understand

’til she knows the heart of a woman will never be found in the arms of a man

[chorus]

and if she runs away she fears she won’t be followed

what could be the worse than leaving something behind

and as the depth of oceans slowly become shallow

it’s loneliness she finds…

if only he was mine

she’d do anything to spakle in his eye

she would suffer, she would fight, and compromise

she’s been wishin’ on the stars that shine so bright

for answers to the questions that will haunt her tonight

she must rinse him

she must rinse him

she can’t rinse him

she can’t rinse him

she can’t, she won’t, she must rinse him

she can’t, she won’t, she must rinse him

she must rinse this all away

she can’t hold him this way

she must rinse this all away

she can’t love him this way

Why can’t the heart of a woman, ever be found in the arms of a man?

Derringer Meryl [Who just needs to find someone to love] Out

Ever just want to tatoo a huge note on your head that said “Reject” ?

I do.

Well not really, honestly I feel like there’s one there now. Like everyone is ignoring me…. like they’re hiding something. Maybe I’m just paranoid.

Ah, I take it back, I know I am. I know I”m paranoid.

Anyway…..

I just wish things made more sense. I don’t understand why God gave me a brain, when no one listens to what you’re saying unless you’re really pretty.

Then they listen. That’s what’s pathetic.

Sure, they nod, so you think you’re doing well, but when you see the ballots in front of you, you know the truth…. You know you aren’t pretty enough to be enticing…… and that doesn’t even make sense.

The words I speak, are never justice for the words I think. I know so much, but I can’t … articulate them. Now i don’t mean I speak sloppy, I mean i don’t know the right words to emphasize what i’m saying…… so I sound stupid.

I just want to have them leave me be. I never really understand why withdrawing from society will make me feel better, but at least I don’t have people who are trying to comfort me all the time.

At least I’d be where I think I belong.

she’d do anything to sparkle in his eye she would suffer, she would fight, and compromise she’s been wishin’ on the stars that shine so bright for answers to the questions that will haunt her tonight

she must rinse this all away she can’t hold him this way she must rinse this all away she can’t love him this way

how she’d be soothed, how she’d be saved if he could see she needs to be held in his arms to be free but everything happens for reasons that she will never understand ’til she knows the heart of a woman will never be found in the arms of a man

[chorus]

and if she runs away she fears she won’t be followed what could be the worse than leaving something behind and as the depth of oceans slowly become shallow it’s loneliness she finds… if only he was mine

she’d do anything to spakle in his eye she would suffer, she would fight, and compromise she’s been wishin’ on the stars that shine so bright for answers to the questions that will haunt her tonight

she must rinse him she must rinse him she can’t rinse him she can’t rinse him she can’t, she won’t, she must rinse him she can’t, she won’t, she must rinse him she must rinse this all away she can’t hold him this way she must rinse this all away she can’t love him this way

Rinse it all away