Undone

I’ll never understand the thought pattern of my parents. Sure, someday I will, or at least hope to be, a parent. But I don’t get my parents.

So I’m semi-like seeing this guy. I’m not sure what it is, and right now, i’m just enjoying the fun and the being swept away by the warm fuzzies. It’s what I do. I’ve never been in a relationship (friends or otherwise) where I can be so relaxed that I just enjoy everything for face value. I don’t analyze everything to death and back…. I’m just– me. And It’s nice, with the sweeping and the light flirtatious-ness. It’s very, refreshing since I’ve just came out of a very serious relationship (See, High School, re: the hatred of) and it’s nice. It’s uber nice.

then I get all these heavy feelings. My mom and dad are all captain disapproval (of what i’m not sure) I’m not even sure if they disapprove, or if their just captain bring down. I’m just going a little insane while i’m keeping it light with him, my parents are all “He’s not active and blah blah blah.” Yeah, so it matters to me, but right now, I’m not wanting to think about it.

I don’t know how to explain it, and it’s really crazy since this is me, and what not, but i’m not planning a marriage, i’m living in the now for once in my FRIGGIN’ life, and enjoying it. I’m enjoying every bit of it. I’m thinking about how nice it feels to cuddle, and not how to plan my wedding reception.

And they keep hounding me, and i’m beginning to become annoyed. *laughs* we were watching BUffy when my mom came in and tapped her watch (it was 12:12am) and he leans over and says “You really need to move out.” To which I heartily agreed. Unfortunately, I need to find myself a better job first *le sigh* I nearly left my family at the movie theater to get home and talk to him–

now i’m too chicken to pick up the phone, dial and talk.

Congrats, you’ve met someone more psycho and paranoid than yourself!

Derringer Meryl [Everybody’s coming to] Out

You know those Car Hop girls? The ones that have two trays, and wearing skates.

I feel like one of those. Except I’m no good at balancing on my own two feet, let alone on rollerskates, it’s insane!

So imagine me, trying to balance Me, and not getting all overly stalker-y with this guy I like, and my friend who likes him to, but sincerely promises me that she won’t go after him…

So I feel all of these things, all of these ways, and it’s starting to annoy me. It annoys me that I cant’ voice anything– because If I do, I may offend someone I love.

I don’t know if he wants to even come over to my house and watch Buffy, or if he’s doing it to be polite, or what. I get confused. He doesn’t ask me out on a date, but invites me to hang out– maybe I’m just this super cool friend that knows what girls are thinking.

I have No clue.

And right now, I feel like I’m chasing my tail. No matter if Red is pursuing him nor not– I can never be as good as her. Not at flirting, not at anything. I’m slow, I’m scared, and I’ve lost the ability to put on a brave face for the sake of myself and others.

In fact– I don’t know what to do. One of the girls from my school… she’s getting married in two months. TWO MONTHS! It’s scary, she is going into this world of all these new things, and I feel like I haven’t even made it to the adult table for thanksgiving yet. I feel like a five year old stuck in the sandbox, while everyone else is growing up, and passing me by.

I don’t know what to do, why i’m not growing up too… I’m just here.

And beyond that, i’m angry. I have one of the HIGHEST Seniority at my work, and got SCREWED over on my pay. I trained the people who are getting paid better than me. I trained my old manager, I trained my co-workers, I trained managers for other stores. And I get paid friggin’ less than ALL OF THEM!!!

And the fact that I’m a girl, and they’re all guys, makes it look bad. Very bad, for them, because I’m the HARDEST worker they have. All of my co-workers can tell you, I’m married to my job. I love it, I spend extra time off the clock just thinking about what we could do to make the store better. I stratagize, and BLAH!!

I’m the queen of that store!!

Derringer Meryl [Melodramatic Fool] Out

So it’s uber late, and I’m up, writing in this… because I haven’t gotten around to writing in my physical journal… but this entry would (and does) vary very much from the real journal.

Because anyone can read this one. The other one, I’d say is under lock and key… but it isn’t… so … that would be really lame. Blah.

The psychological theory or proximity in choosing a mate is interesting. Also, it’s interesting to test it’s application in real life. I mean, take this for example. I used to have crush on my former Assistant Manager. I don’t any more, because I never see him. Don’t get me wrong, he’s still a friggin’ hot toddie, but the elastic in my underwear has ceased to melt. Maybe it’s because we don’t talk all the time, or maybe I’ve finally hyped myself out of it… I dont’ know. But it’s done. It’s run it’s course, and it’s done.

then I liked this guy from another store. Barely knew him, never saw him… blah, all of it. Now that, was pure, unadulterated LUST!! How can I tell? Well the fact that I couldn’t breathe around him, and the fact that I don’t remember hardly anything that he ever said to me, but I could tell you, he has one hell of a six pack and the most gorgeous smile you’ll ever see on a man…. *drools* that’s lust. I want him for his body. then that was done. Mostly with the whole multiple rejection thing and because he doesn’t seem too interested (cause I’m so damn fine…. HA!)

Then there’s this new guy. It wasn’t like a *WHOOSH* crush. It was like a gradual thing. In fact in the beginning i hated him. He was a major pain to me. Competition or something. Vying for our bosses attention. Sure, I thought he was handsome, but it wasn’t the major thing I noticed. he wasn’t a major pig was actually the first thing I noticed. he was polite, but not like prom polite, ya know? where you just open the door because it’s prom and you figure, “Well it’s just for tonight….” and then you do it…. Naw, he was like genuine.

My friend Red keeps telling me that I”m so brave, and that I always have the courage to ask guys out…. and I’m so brave and what not. The truth is, It took me a year to tell my assistant manager that I liked him. And I did that over this journal. (See the Pancakes and Gardina’s thing… crazy crap) and the other guy, well I was off in “I’m so happy i found an inexpensive prom dress and i could be going with the most handsome guy i have ever seen and could be a model” land that there was no time to be nervous. (Oh, yeah and he shot me down — like an american fighter pilot.) Eh, What can you do? So when It comes to this guy, he seems so nice, and ya know, i don’t have the perfect “He so wonderful” image in my mind (which is actually good, because that just ends up hurtin’ ya more.) he’s got flaws, but they balance with mine.

I guess the other guys were shots into the mystical wonderland of “NOT EVEN POSSIBLE” -ville that it didnt’ hurt because i was expecting it. I don’t know what to expect here, Really. I’m not sure what is going on in his mind…. but DAMN, would I love to crawl through it sometime.

and the fact he could be reading this, at any time, is really scary to me. Cause it’s like — ripping your heart out, splattering it on the net, and then waiting…..

I think the waiting is the worst

for the rejection that I KNOW will come. I can’t say I’m welcoming it with open arms, but it’s like…. an expected thing now.

A sturdy “Sorry but NO, Meryl.” and off to Ben and Jerry’s Land. (as well as 20 pounds heavier.

Whatever. Apathy is the key to living a successful life.

Derringer Meryl [Scared Pantsless] Out

So —

Yeah.

Monkey broke the news to me tonight that he just wanted to be friends. I can deal iwth that, he’s a groovy guy, and fun to hang with. However I can’t deny it broke my heart a little. *stretches her hands out*

Okay. So it hurt. I don’t blame monkey for the hurt. the hurt is just there, it’s a thing. Things hurt. I’ll struggle through with the hurt, and then it’ll be done.

and I know Monkey will be reading this. Because he does from time to time… It doesn’t hurt because of you. You’re spiffy, you’re splendorific. I love spending time with you. You make me laugh, and you like Buffy.

And I’m enough of a grown up to see that you make an excellent friend, and it’ll take a while for the hurt to stop, but — thank you for telling me. Some people wouldn’t have the heart, and in the end it’d just make it hurt more.

I guess what i’m trying to say is, I understand, and the fact that I hurt, it’s just a thing. and I like hanging out with you too.

now to leave with some lyrics…. because i like to do that. Goodnight Sweet Girl Ghost of the Robot

Are we done for now,

Or is this for good,

Will there be something in time?

With us there should.

Only girl for me is you

There can be no other one

If I didn’t have faith

I would come undone

So much promise in your eyes

Seems that I can only see

It always makes me wonder

If you save it all for me

Maybe you do

Maybe you don’t

Maybe you should

Probably won’t…

Because there will be…

There will be other guys

Who will whisper in your ear

Say they’ll take away your sadness

And your fears

They may be kind and true

They may be good for you

But they’ll never care for you

More than I do

I’ll be always there

There to the end

I can’t do much

But be your one true friend

To the end

Through the end

Our lives to spend

With each other till the end

Of time…

Still see the promise in your eyes

And still wonder if it’s for me

But i know it’s still there

Even when you sleep

So I say, good night sweet girl

I guess you’d just have to hear it. It’s awesome. After this song, I’m going to listen to the hell that is my life by Zebrahead, just because it makes me feel better about anything… and everything.

Derringer Meryl [bracing for a headache] Out

here’s some more of that grey matter exploding fun–

It’s the Memorial day weekend, and despite how much we may sedate my father with SSRI’s he’s still a grumpy ass monkey. He has mood swings that make mine pale in comparison. He assumes (not unlike me) that every one knows exactly what is going on inside of his mind, that when he snaps his fingers and says “That one thing, you know?” we all completely understand him, but are just being rude jackasses.

I guess we learned it from him.

I don’t know why he irratates me so– Maybe it’s because he’s so lukewarm. Some days he’s my dad. MINE, you know, and I can be his little girl…. and other days I’m my mom’s. I remember so vividly from when I was little …. he got angry about something– and yelled at my mom that “One of her damn kids must have done it.” we were always the easy scapegoat. always.

and i’ve always wondered if it was better to have a lukewarm, mood swing dad, than no dad at all. Then I remember what Christ said (and trust me, he’s like Buddha and Ghandi in the way that most of his stuff made a WHOLE lotta sense) “Be ye hot, or be ye cold, but be not lukewarm lest I spit ye out of my mouth.” Err something like that. It boiled down to “Be bad, be good, be something, cause being in the middle, just pisses me off.”

I’m sure I condemned myself with that last line… eh.

I told my boss, the real flaky one who had like 4 kids from two different women, and only one of them while he was married to the mother. *shakes her head* I told him, that he had such potential to be a great dad. That I wanted him to be what my dad was never for me. Sure, my dad changed a lot for me, he went to school so he could raise me right—

But I don’t know. Some of the things he’s done. Like making me afraid of getting married, or dating– afraid of loving someone– I already know that I pick scummy guys. They seem nice and pretty on the surface, but that’s the cheap gold gilding they put on until I’m in too deep. Then it all flakes off and then– then i’m stuck with a crap load of bad memories, and an extreme skittish-ness.

I don’t walk on the bad side. In fact, I’m pretty sure I walk no where near it. I admire it from afar, where it still looks enticing, and say “Wow, bad side, That’s neat.” and keep going my merry way. I’m safe and secure, and so deeply entrenched in my shell that no one can even tell by the stupid mask I put on. I try my damnedest to keep true to how i’m feeling– but…. I wouldn’t be able to leave my house, walk through a crowd, or talk to anyone outside of my family (or my second family of co-workers). It’s hard– I hate being touched. I don’t even like to be touched by my own family. Not my dad, my siblings– my mom is about the limit. She’s always right. *sighs* I don’t know how to explain it. I don’t touch customers, I dont touch teachers, I dont’ like hugging my fetchin’ therapist. Amy, My mom, Carolyn…. and that’s about it. Notice very carefully that no guys fall into that VERY short list.

why? because despite how well i get along with guys, I think it happens to be a case of keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. Don’t get me wrong– I love my guy friends, they’re all great, and while some of them have the tendency to piss me off to no end– *sighs* i don’t hate them, obviously, otherwise they wouldn’t be on my list of friends (duh) but guys are the enemy. I guess I’m still psychologically at the “boys have cooties” stage of life. and I hate that. Because trust me, I’ve fallen for a guy before. So my brain is going “Hey, You don’t like them, they’re bad, they do bad things your mind and your heart, and you in general. You shouldn’t be doing this.” and my heart just keeps screaming “You need the contact, you need to take a chance, you need to love, you need to move past that stage– It could be that man that can love you forever.”

and It hurts. Like i always have a conflict going on inside of me, driving me a little— no a lot, crazy. and so — i leave you with the thoughts (echoing mine in every possible way) of Matchbox 20 in their new song Unwell

All day staring at the ceiling

Making friends with shadows on my wall

All night hearing voices telling me

That I should get some sleep

Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on

Feeling like I’m headed for a breakdown

And I don’t know why

But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell

I know right now you can’t tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see

A different side of me

I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired

I know right now you don’t care

But soon enough you’re gonna think of me

And how I used to be…me

I’m talking to myself in public

Dodging glances on the train

And I know, I know they’ve all been talking about me

I can hear them whisper

And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me

Out of all the hours thinking

Somehow I’ve lost my mind

But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell

I know right now you can’t tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see

A different side of me

I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired

I know right now you don’t care

But soon enough you’re gonna think of me

And how I used to be

I’ve been talking in my sleep

Pretty soon they’ll come to get me

Yeah, they’re taking me away

But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell

I know right now you can’t tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see

A different side of me

I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired

I know right now you don’t care

But soon enough you’re gonna think of me

And how I used to be

Yeah, how I used to be

How I used to be

Well, I’m just a little unwell

How I used to be

How I used to be

I’m just a little unwell

Derringer Meryl [head exploding] out