Undone

If it were possible, I’d just post my HUGE grinning face on the internet, and keep that as my entry today….

but since it’s not– i’ll say a few words. Red and i had a little party last night– and we had a super great time. Err- I did. Red got put through quite the ringer. Including, but not limited to, phone calls at three in the morning from blatent morons who only want to get in her pants. *mumbles incoherently* Anyway, i don’t like the guys she chooses at all… or the guys who are attracted to her… I don’t know.

Whatever, in any sense, most of them signal to me bad news. I wanted to take the phone and scream at him. See, I”m one of those poeple who thinks that I can take the abuse handed to me by the world and people, but i would do anything to keep the people i love away from a situation like that. and being in a lot of them myself, i know what to look for.

*yawns* in any case– i had an excellent good time last night, or this morning, whatever– while red didn’t so much. she has apparently inherited my gorgeous luck with men, and i’ve inherited her cool head– and lack of thought.

*smiles* I’ve learned the say what you mean way of life, is the way to live. sure, the ever so subtle meaning more isn’t totally dead– i’ll use it now and again– but… sayin’ what you mean, is good.

and it’s nearly an hour later– and i still haven’t posted it.

I think the people i’m talking to know who they are– but. In a roundabout way, i appreciated everything about last night. I don’t expect any more from a friendship but fun. 😉 Here’s to good times and noodle salad. Thanks.

Derringer Meryl [happy little] Out

I know– I’ve been doing some really shibby entries lately– and a lot of lyric spews– but *sighs* this song really speaks to me. So lyric spew, is what i’m going to do.

it’s me. *shrugs* So here we go– I Wish We Never Met, Kathleen Wilhoite

Disapointment stops by from time to time

to see how im doing

and he came by last night

right after you left

my life in ruin

when i dont get what i want

the spoiled child inside breaks down

kickin, screamin, prayin and dreamin

for a love lost and found

well I wish we never

wish we never

wish we never met

cuz now I’ve got my heart set on you

humiliation asked me out last night

I had nothing else to loose

so it took good kept two loopy drunk had conversations

i couldnt get through

another strangers eyes

were trying desperatly to meet mine

but i look away tabs to pay lines to say

like “how are you” “im doing fine”

ohh but i wish we never

wish we never

wish we never met

cuz now ive got my heart set

i wish we never

wish we never

wish we never met

cuz now ive got my heart set on you

and i dont get what i want

from another strangers eyes

no and i dont get what i want

from another strangers eyes

i wish we never

i wish we never

wish we never met

cuz now ive got my heart set on you

i’m set on you

and despite the fact that this is obviously about a guy and a girl, i still feel this way about most people in my life.

“I wish we never met just because every time we talk, i hurt you. And my heart is set on loving you, even just platonically– and i’m not sure who to put first, you or me.”

Red loved the gift (half of it) that i got her. Still. i feel a little empty inside. And my heart just hurts a little. Because i’ve screwed a lot of things. I’m messed up. I mess things up– and i talk, and i think, and i want to turn it all off. I wish–

I wish i could make it right.

Derringer Meryl [needs to take her meds] out

Today. Really really really really (times another fifty thousand)

SUCKS.

I’m tired, i’ve been inked, and honestly i feel like the world is out to get me. I’m a walking bundle of nerves. *frowns*

I just — I’m still new at this just being friends thing. It’s hard for me, not to mention i’ve never done it before, just because the other person was well… in the previous case, a jackass. *shrugs*

Right now, I’d like to stab myself in the eye with knitting needles.

Derringer Meryl Out

So– Yeah. I should/might explain about that last entry. Other than the fun fun fun lyric spew (which is fairly self explainitory….) the whole James Bond thing. Well. *sighs*

Lately i feel like i’ve been sneaking around my house, hell, around my life. I’m constantly in a fight with someone (serious, if it isn’t red, it’s someone.) and the choices i wish i could make in life, i can’t because my parentals would flip.

I know that some people out there in reader-land don’t know why i care if my parents flip, in fact that’s the basis of many people’s choice in life. (ie: “Will my parents flip? Yes? Okay, i’m doing it.”) See I’m the opposite. I like to make my parents happy. They have spent unknown amounts of money and time on me, and how could i turn my back on all they’ve given me? I know that sounds weird, and what not, but trust me it makes sense to me.

And part of me just wants to do whatever the hell I want. Just to break away and say “Hey I’m going to be a booth bunny for the fhqwhgads company, so I’ll see you in … a while.” and just take off for a while. I’d like to move in with Monkey, in a pure helping his month to month payment on the house go down type of way. *frowns* But for some silly reason what my parents think matters to me, and I guess it’s just going to be that way.

Bugs Red to death. That I worry about what they think, and that I care.

Blah. Back to the sneaking. I left one of my conversation windows open an my mom read it. It was strictly between me and Red…. *frowns* I was hurt. I feel a little violated. I mean, that was… just not right.

Makes you wonder why I care what they think, doesn’t it?

Derringer Meryl [Pondering Something] Out

I do bad things. I do them to people, I do them to myself. I just do. I’m not a psychologist, I dabble, but i’m not certified, but i know i’m not always right.

But I know what hurts. Pain registers in my brain, whether i’m dealing or receiving. I know i deal it a lot to red. I know she’s upset because i’m treading down a road she hates to see anyone go down. I know that she loves me, and that she just wants the best for me.

These are things I know.

I know that i say things sometimes that i don’t mean. I often don’t think before i speak, even in writing. I know i’m captain bring down, and with how many people are screaming at me to grow up and not be so self involved… but … i mean do they have classes for that kind of thing? My therapist has been telling me that i need to grow a back bone and stand up for myself… and that i’m a rug.

I really don’t know which is true. They conflict in the upmost ways.

I find myself changing, daily. especially in what i want in life. I’m not sure which road i’m going to go down, or when or why, but i try to keep my options open. I don’t like to burn bridges… I really don’t.

I guess i’m a floater. I’m not defined, and i dont liek to be.

and i don’t like to be controlled. Or told what to feel.

And I screw up, I make mistakes, I make bad choices. I don’t know what else to say but, it’s how it happens. You learn, you live, and you move on. You can’t agonize over the past. Well.. you can, but….i’ve done that, and it’s just no fun.

And why does it matter if i become famous as a writer? I aspire to Emily Dickenson levels. She wasn’t even a socialite when she was alive, she didn’t leave her house after her first year at college.

Derringer Meryl [something ruther] Out