Undone

Guys dont’ think in code. Girls do. So when girls try to figure out what guys are thinking, they try to decode it– but it doesn’t work out because– there’s nothing there to decode. It’s so simple it often boggles the female brain.

And while it seems communication between the two sexes would remedy all complications between both sexes, it would seem that either are too shy, too scared, and unsure to do anythign about their miscommuncations, and simply allow them to continue forward.

I’m one of those girls. The girls who think guys are coded. Mostly I’m just too scared, and confused, and I can’t ask for help, or clarification, that’d be a weakness, and I cant’ let the enemy see my weakness.

Since when did guys become the enemy?

All I know is that I get lost and confused when I get around Monkey. He makes me feel all happy, and yet… slightly scared. I don’t know where I”m going, or when or why or any of that– and the thing is, if you ask you could ruin the ride. It’s back to the sunny island you’ve been sent to. You can enjoy the time you have, or risk it to find out you’re being experimented on for some nasty cosmetics company.

Right.

It’s like the fear you feel in a relationship is the price you have to pay for feeling so good.

The question still remains– where am I?

Derringer Meryl [That’s okay cause I like the abuse] Out

there is no end. This Blog is like some kind of continuum where the fun and moronic acts never end.

Yeah– Monkey and I spend the weekend together, with my family. Crazy funk my family– with their Dr. Mario obsession. We also watched Charlies Angels: Full Throttle which left everyone quite perplexed by the ending, and me wondering if Dillan was destined to live her life alone….

Poor Creepy thin man. *frowns* That wasn’t a fun way to die. Now was it?

And today– I get to go to the local community college and look into classes, even though i think it’s a waste of time. Because I don’t really find any of the classes– well worth how ever much they’re charging for their educational goodness. I’ve absorbed a lot of education, and I don’t want to pay a ton to learn nothing,

it’s this crazy deal I have. Iknow.

Anyway. The trick though is, I have to take full schedule of classes to keep getting my meds and what not. It’s insane, mostly Because

A) Me with out meds– well it basically equates to me looking very pallid in a corner shaking until I vomit.

B) Me in class looks a lot like me with Meds, but I guess I just have to risk it because, not unlike High school, I have to be there AND pay for it.

Derringer Meryl [educationally frustrated] Out

it’s been a pretty good week. while nothing huge or horribly exciting has happened, i don’t mind that. i like my life better as comfortable, not a drama.

Comfortable is good. However the mix of comfortable and confused, is not quite as good. So on the ranking of drama, comfortable confused, comfortable and not confused– I’m the one in the middle.

I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I don’t know where I stand with my friends, or my family, or the monkey– but i’m not going to beg for comfortable and unconfused, because comfortable is a darn sight better than drama, and by pushing the issues at hand, I could make it drama.

Can you tell I really hate drama?

it’s like …. say you got whisked off to a beautiful island. You have no idea where the island is, or why you’re there… and you have two choices:

1) Enjoy it– you don’t know how long it’s going to last, and it’s a good thing, so you’re going to ride it out.

-OR-

2) Investigate, and ruin the whole damn thing because you find out you’re actually being brain washed by some mass cult group or something.

*shrugs* I’ve done too much investigating in my life– too much prodding and pulling and what not for my own good. I ruin things by not just taking them for face value, analyzing and trying to label them. I’m not going to do that this time. I’m trying my best not to be all anal and possessive and what not–

but it’s there, always nagging, saying stupid little paranoid thoughts and feeding on itself and it’s draining me at the same time.

I don’t knowhow anyone could WANT to be paranoid. I don’t think there is a person in the world who enjoys it. (Although the side effects from constantly being in flight or fight mode could be slightly …. beneficial) You end up sabotaging your own relationships with your family and friends, and significant others.

And I dont want to be like that anymore. *laughs sadly* Do you remember the movie As Good as it Gets it’s about a guy who has OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) and falls in love with a waitress…. and she is about to leave him on a date, she says to him “I need a compliment Melvin, I need one now.” and he becomes very nervous and jittery, and he does a few of his OCD habits, and then he looks at her and says:

“You make me want to be a better man.”

She’s stunned and sits back down to dinner, and says “That is possibly the best compliment anyone has ever given me.”

*smiles sadly* I think you know where that leads to.

Derringer Meryl [if you could only see] Out

Right– so I have choices to make, and a very limited amount of time to make them in.

I could stay home for the possibility of hanging out with Monkey, and some Buffy-age

-OR-

I could go out with my debate friends, eat some Pasta at the crazy spaghetti factory, and just– live my glory days (or what ever you might call them) all over again.

Both sound fun. Both are good for me. Both are social outings in which I could possibly escape my family. Red will be at the dinner, and …. well it sounds like a good idea to go and hang out with her for a while. Maybe I can hang out with Monkey, after? All I know is that I am seriously dilemma-ing.

Blah. *sighs*

I guess I’ll go get free food, and hang with some of the gang (after all, it wouldn’t be fitting if the matriarch didn’t show up to her family dinner)

*sighs* Stupid….. Grr and the Argh.

Derringer Meryl [Pouting too much] out

thought i’d get in here before the ten o’clock rush. Ya know, every one realizes how depressed they are at 10 pm GMT. So here i am, a little ahead of schedule, at nine thirty.

whatever, i’m just sitting here, at my computer, slightly confused, a little floundering, and …

floundering in what you say? a sautee of emotions, what else? i’mjust sitting here, slightly confused as to what I’m supposed to do next in life, obviously a better job, since GS pays like jack, not to mention they UNDER pay me…. that’s another post all together. So there’s that– but it’s like– this is my last summer vacation. The last time I’ll ever have to be like– kid-like, and not be called immature. I want to go and do something….. just for fun, with someone who isnt’… (no offense Mom, I love ya) my mom. I want to go and hang out, and just be a kid.

I haven’t had enough opportunities to be a kid. Unfortunately, I’ve burned too many bridges– or didn’t build very good ones in the first place. So, I feel a little lonely, despite the fact i’m also floundering in the warm fuzzies of what could be a new relationship.

*laughs* My boss asks me yesterday “So how are things with you and Monkey?” and I say “Good.”

“Good?” He repeats raising his eyebrows. I knit my eyebrows and say, “Yeah.” he looks confused for a minute.

“Are you guys like dating now?” I become very flustered and paranoid as well as frustrated because the answer is “I don’t know.”

Honest. I have no sort of relationship depth perception. I don’t know, maybe that’s why i screw up so much, even with my friends. If people said what they meant, to the person they meant to say it to, life would be so much more simple.

Like I practice what I preach.

Derringer Meryl [He looks straight ahead] Out