Undone

it’s been a pretty good week. while nothing huge or horribly exciting has happened, i don’t mind that. i like my life better as comfortable, not a drama.

Comfortable is good. However the mix of comfortable and confused, is not quite as good. So on the ranking of drama, comfortable confused, comfortable and not confused– I’m the one in the middle.

I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I don’t know where I stand with my friends, or my family, or the monkey– but i’m not going to beg for comfortable and unconfused, because comfortable is a darn sight better than drama, and by pushing the issues at hand, I could make it drama.

Can you tell I really hate drama?

it’s like …. say you got whisked off to a beautiful island. You have no idea where the island is, or why you’re there… and you have two choices:

1) Enjoy it– you don’t know how long it’s going to last, and it’s a good thing, so you’re going to ride it out.

-OR-

2) Investigate, and ruin the whole damn thing because you find out you’re actually being brain washed by some mass cult group or something.

*shrugs* I’ve done too much investigating in my life– too much prodding and pulling and what not for my own good. I ruin things by not just taking them for face value, analyzing and trying to label them. I’m not going to do that this time. I’m trying my best not to be all anal and possessive and what not–

but it’s there, always nagging, saying stupid little paranoid thoughts and feeding on itself and it’s draining me at the same time.

I don’t knowhow anyone could WANT to be paranoid. I don’t think there is a person in the world who enjoys it. (Although the side effects from constantly being in flight or fight mode could be slightly …. beneficial) You end up sabotaging your own relationships with your family and friends, and significant others.

And I dont want to be like that anymore. *laughs sadly* Do you remember the movie As Good as it Gets it’s about a guy who has OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) and falls in love with a waitress…. and she is about to leave him on a date, she says to him “I need a compliment Melvin, I need one now.” and he becomes very nervous and jittery, and he does a few of his OCD habits, and then he looks at her and says:

“You make me want to be a better man.”

She’s stunned and sits back down to dinner, and says “That is possibly the best compliment anyone has ever given me.”

*smiles sadly* I think you know where that leads to.

Derringer Meryl [if you could only see] Out