Undone

so– fifteen or so hours when i finish work tonight, for this week alone. *smiles* that means out of my alotted hours of time in my life this week, i’ve spent (or will soon) spend fifteen and a half hours working.

*frowns* I can think of fifty million other things i’d like to do. Like hang out with my friends, which i never get to do anymore. Blah.

I bought a new game, Sword of the Berserk: Guts Rage and i’m liking it. The thing is, is that, i’m not a little girl any more. When i get done watching an anime, or a movie, i feel sad, and a little bitter. Because, *sighs* Okay, in this video game Guts, who is this hardcore guy who thinks “i don’t need you, and i don’t need one damn person in this world.” Basically a guy after my own heart, but somehow, a fellow warrior, Caska, works her way into his heart. He falls in love with her, and she’s completely smitten herself… and then…. she looses her mind. Another guy does some real shibby stuff to her, and she’s gone. Guts ends up devoting his life, to make her remember what they had before.

And I get all sad, and angry, because i don’t have that. I dont’ have someone who would kill a hundred men to save me. Hell, I don’t have someone who would risk being pricked by a thorn because they love me. I mean, amorous kind of love, not like “My mommy and daddy love me…” type love. I have that coming out my ears. i guess i should be grateful, but …

you begin to miss what you never had, simply by seeing what others have.

Now, the two-hundred-million-dollar question….

Do I love someone enough to fight off a hundred men?

Well. yes. I try to make it go away, and i guess i try to hate people, but… deep down, i love people. That doesn’t mean they don’t annoy me to the point of wanting to murder them sometimes– but… Yeah, I love someone enough to die for them.

I’d crawl two thousand miles on broken glass, just to lie in their shade.

It’s sick.

I’m sick.

Derringer Meryl [and i never want to do this again] Out

Yeah…. So I realized today that i’m uber pathetic.

I found my ticket stub for charlies angel’s two– and nearly started crying.

I miss the good old days when…. when i hung out with people, and they returned phone calls, and….

I was so desprately alone.

No one but my brothers read here now– at least i think so. Red is too busy with school (Good Girl, be busy, it’s okay), and i’m fairly sure Monkey just doesn’t give a flying rats ass– or i’m mistaken and he’s reading right now. Heh.

Anyway, Since its just you and … um, well technically since you is me, that means the basic reader is me. So since it’s just me and me, i’ll say this, I have a poem for me to post. hahaha!

Mistaken Sin

i liked you
you liked me
and it was simple
so simple
i don’t know where
we lost each other
no–
i don’t know
where i lost you
because,
that’s how i see it
i lost you
the chance to be with you
the ability to
be near to you
to feel your touch
to be in your company

and i look back
on the short time
we had together
and i feel silly
so very stupid for
saying what i have to say
but i feel something
so very deep inside
something i never felt before
that only you can reach
you made me smile
and laugh
in a way that i missed
that i still miss now
and i can’t help
but feel angry
hurt
scared and confused
because that comfort was
so abruptly taken away

and now it hurts
to look you in the eye
because i feel
ashamed for the
emotions surging
through me
and i can’t
— no i won’t —
i refuse
to tell you
how i feel…
we had a chance
and you
and we
and they
it was stolen away

God–
Can’t my love
Be between
i and he?
can’t this world
only exist
of us?

Please God
Save me.

Derringer Meryl [Realization Burns] Out

you stand back, try to be the impassive friend, try to like the little fucker she’s picked out for a boyfriend, and Oh Believe me, I tried. I even talked to the guy

but you can tell he’s bad news, from the moment he says you look like you’d castrate a man. Oh Yeah. You love the guy she’s chosen to spend her time with instead of you. he’s a great guy. but you keep quiet, because it’s the polite thing to do. You keep your mouth shut. Cause you love your friend more than anything, and you want her to be happy, but you see the brick wall she’s about to hit, you want to keep her from it, somehow save her– but it’s too damn late now.

all you have now, to keep her from being sad is Ben and Jerry’s and kicking the bastard in the nuts till he cries like a school girl…. Oh, and since she doesn’t want to do the first one– you’ll do the second. A lot, ya know, to compensate.

and eventually that won’t even make you feel better. and hell, since you’re the one doing bodily harm to him, she’s probably not feeling any better either.

It all comes full circle back to Ben and Jerry’s

Rich Jerks.

Today sucks. that’s about all i have to say. that today sucks. Gert almost got electrocuted and Friendjamin was in a bad mood. Monkey only ate a little of my damn brownies, and *eyes narrow* shit just happens right now.

A whole lot of stuff i don’t want to think about now or never. So there.

*shrugs* Screw this.