Undone

I think everyone has bad days. When you burst into tears because of an All American Rejects in the car– you should probably be seeking help.

Probably.

Music helps people through a lot of things, takes their mind off the pain, helps them get in touch with their emotions, helps them see another point of view, and once in a while, helps you shake your booty for an hour or two. Who couldn’t use the exercise? In a mentally well person, is there a thing as too much exercise? I doubt it.

So as I sit here listening to “Move Along” I find that the emotions it evokes, the times in my life it reminds me of are still, too personal and secret to share. I listen to this song when I’m down. It helps me remember to be UP. That being said, it still makes me sad, just a little, as it reminds me a little that I am too broken of a person to reach out to people when I am depressed. I went through a dynamic change in my life last year (2010) that broke me.

I feel fortunate enough to say that as broken as I felt, and I still feel, from the experience I also found it VERY inspiring. I feel blessed, not necessarily in a spiritual way take it as you please, that I have the ability to see the bright side of a lot of things. I have the capability to get a crap sandwich and say “Thank Goodness i got this crap sandwich, it makes me happy for the good food I normally get a chance to eat” On the flip side though, I can see the dark and unpleasantness of a lot of things as well. Especially within myself.

So, I sit and I listen to this song, and It reminds me of my social inability to reach out to others. Even when those who are closest to me, Or who I percieved as being closest to me, were in their time of need, I withdrew. I feel like it’s something I’m paying for now. But I have a belief in living with your mistakes. Also, I still have that crippling social ineptness that prevents me… from being out there. I am not afraid of what might happen…

… I am exhausted. From trying, and thinking two or three steps ahead, trying to make up for how broken I am. It’s not something I could medicate for, the anxiety (the need to plan steps ahead, compulsively) is something I could medicate for. Instead, I have withdrawn. I hope no one takes any particular offense to this. I … have no excuse. I may end up dying lonely and sad, or maybe I’ll die with my closest friends morning the loss. Who knows. But I can’t control it. I can’t FORCE people to love me despite the fact that I am afraid of the rejection of calling you to say hello. Maybe so much subconciously that the thought does not even occur that NORMAL people do that. Normal people ask each other how their days were, and joke and laugh.

Dear friends, I am not normal. I am crippled emotionally. It is a good day when I can leave my house and go the whole day without hating myself. Please know that I do truly love you, despite my inability to be any sort of normal, and I am sorry if I ever gave you the impression otherwise. I will try to be there for you.

Won’t you be there for me?

Derringer Meryl [Someday a post won’t be a bring down] Out

before getting emotional, I just need to be exhausted. Maybe that’s those drunk people’s issue too? Anyway. I watched Glee tonight (Ep Asian F) and it made me cry.  Esp. Fix you at the end of it. Where Will Schuster and Ms. Pilsbury are praying together, because her parents emotionally traumatized her into fearing germs of people who are different, and she has essentially relapsed heavily in her OCD. It’s bad. I hope she gets back to Therapy. Which feels weird to say of a fictional character. But isn’t that the point that any good story does? Draws you into the characters, and makes you love them so much that you want to see them get better?

Anyway, I absolutely and always have adored the song “Fix You” by coldplay. It was released in Sept 2005 on Coldplay’s X&Y album. I was pretty depressed that year, and can recall feeling like my life was probably the worst it had ever been. I can heartily say that I am still (and probably always will be) recovering from 2005.

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I…

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I…

It just speaks so heavily of things that everyone can relate to. “When you lose something you cannot replace” Like a father, a friend, a baby, innocence, love, joy, spirituality, faith, a sense of self. There are a million things that the thing you lost could be. The interesting thing is, to me this song is not one person to another. It’s not a boyfriend singing it to his girlfriend (or visa versa) or husband to wife. It is one person. One person singing it themself.

It’s no secret that I don’t consider myself overly mentally well. I’m obviously not completely batshit crazy (sorry mom) but I am … lost in all of the things in the world. Adrift in the politics, the economics, the parenting, and work. I am a self contained capsule of self hatred and loathing. No matter what anyone else says, no matter how people interact with me, I will only see the bad. I will only see the people that detract from me.I will only long for the approval of the people who are indifferent of me. I will love the people who pass up the opportunity to be in my life, and be tortured in silence when they decide to embrace someone else instead.

My heart will break when I realize I have been harboring a deep dislike for someone who did not hold the blame as I had once thought. I will hold myself personally responsible for the failings of others.

I should be stronger. I should not care what other people think. I shouldn’t care if other people don’t love me. I should pick myself up and live the life I have.

Maybe someday

I can fix you.

Derringer Meryl [passion] out