Undone

I think about wrting into postsecret

I never do. I wonder on occasion if each person I interact with each day is carrying a secret not unlike myself.

I know for a fact that many people have secrets that are deep and dark that make their smiles during the day hollow and fake. That the secret they keep makes them wake up each day and have to reconcile who they are and their place in this world.

Some people’s secrets make them feel like they have a badge of honor, invisible as it is. When really they just can’t see that everyone else is wearing one too.

Some people are those who are the creator of the secret– some people are the secret keeper, or even a victim of the secret.  Some people read too much into their secret, sometimes people take their secret too lightly.  Some people feel bound by their secret, and some people are so freed and satisfied by their secret, that telling anyone– is insanity. Selfish.

I think the main reason I will never write into post secret is that I cannot bear for anyone to know. Even annonymously, I fear telling might shake the universe in such a way that God might turn his head away in shame.

So i”m being dramatic. I’m trying to flex my literary muscles.  I haven’t written seriously, since before I met Scott. I find little or no motivation.  I wish I could find it again. I feel like I’m searching in a pitch black cave for a diamond. While my writing is no where near as valuable to the world, it is even more so valuable than  that to me.  Some days I feel so inspired I Might burst from holding it in. But there is this dam holding all of my creativity back. At it’s root I would call it fear. I wouldn’t call myself in High School any where near fearless, but my writing was. I wrote my passion, I was inspired and introspective. Now any spare time is not spent self reflecting, but cleaning, cooking, and care-taking. Life marches on. I don’t regret a minute of it, but i miss it.

On my way back to work this afternoon I saw a cyclist not obeying stop signs. I have to say I… people like that don’t necissarily DESERVE to be hit by a car (by no means)  But if you’re going to break the rules don’t bitch when it happens!

I’m waiting for a ebay bid to end. C’mon 8PM!  I’m really excited.

off to finish work!

Derringer Meryl [thursday is one of the best days] Out

I’m fairly sure cheetos are the devil. I love them though. That’s sick right? Anyway.  I’m going to try hard to keep my weight for this pregnancy down. Here’s hoping! I know it’s going to be tough this Holiday Season– so I hope no one tempts me too badly.

Last night Scott and I watched about the election for a while. I have to admit– I am not really awe inspired. I would have been downright horrified if McCain had won, but I’m mostly just.. Yeah, we did the right thing. I’m not all shocked that a man of African decent was voted in either. I’m glad our country is outgrowing it’s prejudices.

Scott and I were talking last night, we both agree that marriage is a religious activity– and shouldn’t be governed by the state. I’m saddened by the events in California. We also feel the same way about abortion– it’s a personal decision. I have always believed very deeply in agency of each person and while there are some things that are fundamentally wrong (stealing, murdering, rape, etc etc) some things fall into a grey area where the state, or the people within it are not able, and should NOT be able to make those choices for a person.

I usually perfer not to speak on such things as I usually have a nice way of sticking my foot in my mouth– So I’ll end it there.

Katie was HORRIFICALLY grumpy last night. Like REALLY bad. I got home from work and she was napping, so I decided to clean as much as I could before she woke up. I got the kitchen done and started on dinner when she woke up and began to scream. The screaming did not stop until I had her in my arms. She seems to be in some sort of chronic pain. I don’t know what to do for her. she has no fever, no signs of illness other than screaming and screaming.  Last night’s culprit seemed to be some gas stuck in her intestines, and if it felt like my stomach does when I have that problem, it’s like I have eaten glass and knives. I got her some apple juice (Scott made it for her, bless his heart) and tried to finish up dinner. Which was an interesting event as she wanted to be pinned between me and the counter for whatever reason. I did my best to ignore her,  while getting dinner ready. We had Shephard’s Pie, which was yummy, but needed a tad more salt. That was fine, Scott and i added it after it was done cooking. YUM! I’m not a genius at cooking, but at least the things I can make always turn out really well…. MINUS THE FREAKING CINNAMON ROLLS!! Which I might attempt again this weekend…

We settled down to catch up on some of my shows from earlier in the week and late last week after Scott had nodded off and I grew tired of watching the guys talking about the election repeat themselves a lot. Katie has discovered the volume knob on the stereo, whcih makes watching TV aggrivating. It seems like there isn’t much we can do that ISN’T aggrivating any more.

I’m really excited, I hope my friend Amy can do our family Pics ASAP (I need to get a date arranged, maybe the saturday after thanksgiving?)

I better go and be productive … 😉

Derringer meryl [love love love] out

Scott is ok, I didn’t realize people paid such attention to my facebook status. He was awake in the basement when i woke up at 7, but when i finally rolled out of bed for good at 8, he was not at home. This made me a bit worried, but like a cat that gets out of the house, I figured he’d return. 🙂 He got me a hot chocolate (yay!) and himself a soda.  He’s ok! I should have updated my facebook and not made my family worry, but he took the laptop to review the news and such (which is ironic as we were also WATCHING the news…

Anyway… Scott is ok. I caught HIMYM this morning as our DVR recorded it on the Analog station and the picture was crappy– so we had to download it. I need to re-watch Big Bang theory as I was cleaning/came home late as it was on. I didn’t cook last night as we did FHE with Lorna. We went (as Scott and I had planned) to Build a bear and had Katie build a bear … or Cat in this case. It kind of looks like twinkie 😀 LOL, We debated on what sound to put in, She really liked the jingle bell rock, but also she really liked the roar and meow. We went with Meow. We thought about clothes for the Kitty, but decided right now, that we probably better not 🙂  We sat down to name her — and I asked Katie “What do you want to name your friend?” and Katie said “KItty!” and she said it perfect. Scott says I better name her Kitty. So I did. Though to be technical I named her Kittie. 🙂 katie loves it, and hugs and loves on it all the time. She woke up in the middle of the night last night, and was crying (She actually did it several times) and so finally (in an effort to refuse baby sleeping in bed with us, it’s nigh to impossible to sleep.) I gave her the toy rocked her a bit, and then laid her down in her bed, and turned her sleeping music back on. she woke up and cried a bit more, but I just closed my door and let her cry, I need SLEEP.

It was a good night, and a suprisingly excellent morning. I was shocked to see The Specialist calling me, because we call each other about as often as… well.. As often as you see penguins hanging out with Polar Bears. But apparently mom called him worrying about Scott’s wellbeing… and he called me on my way to work. I wouldn’t have noticed except the fact that I was digging for my badge when my bag started to vibrate! Thanks for worrying. It’s nice to know people have my back 😉

Derringer Meryl [It’s been a long day and it’s only 10] Out

My former teacher issued a challenge to write every day in my blog for the month of november. Well due to the fact that I didn’t blog yesterday (november 2) I’ve failed. DUN DUN DUN! But hey, it’s all for fun, so why not.

Today was pretty chilly on the way to work. I got kicked out of bed by Katie fairly early on. I wish she would give up the paci and sleep with out it.

The view from my window is gorgeous, as usual. Katie had a great halloween, we had fun at a party. I was a bit cranky at the end, and I’m sorry for that. I got to chat with The Specialist’s fiancee, which was nice. I still haven’t met her, and i seem to be the one person in the universe who hasn’t 🙁 It makes me a little sad, but at the same time I have to keep it in check because I have to deal with the consequences of my choices.

I am enjoying the tunes of Hare Hare Yukai. Thinking about all the housework that needs to be done at home. Wishing I were there to do it. LOL that’s sick, right?

I am happy about things, in general. Sure If i could play things out I wish I had done a few things different… but there is no point in wishing for things to be different… You can’t change the past, only the future, and you can only control yourself, no one else. So I will do my best– I will wokr hard to let go of some of the hard feelings in my heart.

Derringer Meryl [So this is growing up] Out

With an amazing baby. I think a lot of stuff when it comes to people thinking their kids were “predestined” to come in a specific order and such is hogwash. Mostly because i’m a bit bitter about being the youngest. It’d be nice (in a way) for there not have to be a ‘last’ baby, but there always is in every family. In any case… as I watch Katie parade around the house with her carefully swaddled Hello Kitty Doll, i think of the MILLION of times I asked my mom to do that for me, and when she did eventually teach me how to do it for myself… and I think of Katie’s UNENDING love for Babies. I believe that Katie was destined to be an older sister.
Last night as we were sitting at our friend’s home she saw their baby and immediately held her hands out to hold it. Maybe i”m a weird mommy, or something– but Katie takes a shine to babies. ALL babies. She acts really– well mature in a lot of ways. Age means nothing to her, everyone is a play mate no matter how big ore small. I do need to teach her better about not going for the eyes… she has a bit of an eye fettish…. in any case… she held her arms out for our friends baby, who I took (katie was sitting in my lap) and she was  just in awe. She loves all babies. She loves all kids. Is it a wonder that we are supposed to be more like children and a bit less like adults? (and I mean a Minnesota bit.) She is amazingly patient (Scott would probably scoff at that, she pitches plenty of fits!) but she will wait if she can see what you’re doing. 🙂

I have felt a bit uneasy as of late. I got some slightly upsetting news and felt pretty down about myself. Correction down ON myself. I am my biggest arch enemy.  (Which duh, I know what buttons to press to make myself sink into a depression) I am worried what will happen, how our lives here will change, how we will cope and adjuts… but seeing Katie proudly tote her Hello Kitty baby around makes me feel a bit better.  Her vocabulary is expanding by leaps and bounds with such things like giraffe, eyes, MOM (she finally said it about me, though it’s not a regular occurance) She can say bella, and Kitty, Daddy… she’s getting there. It’s amazing to watch her grow. My little mimic who will sit on my lap at any given moment, who was typing on our spare keyboard just because she likes to mimic the clicky noises that mine is making by writing this entry. She is clever and a trouble maker. She is a bit stubborn, but is an amazing helper when needed as well. She loves NPH and Joss Whedon, and we enjoy a round of Dr. Horrible at least once a week. She gives sweet Kisses, and loves to hug me when I come home from work.  I look forward to that hug all day.

I do have to wonder now– how will that all change now?

Derringer Meryl [Life as we know it] Out